My brain is on fire same I canât sleep and am thinking of this:
The way she writes about marriage/family/commitment through these different situations across the album is soooooooooo interesting.
You have a very intense first experience of it in âThe Manuscript,â where it is first dangled in front of her/the narratorâs young, impressionable self as shorthand for real love in a situation that ended up being smoke and mirrors. Sheâs being told everything she wants to hear by someone who basically thinks itâs just foreplay. In the end, when itâs clear that the other person has no intention of actually making a life with her, it makes her feel used, but she forces herself to recalibrate and become the girl she thinks he and all the other hes want her to be. Easy breezy cool. But thereâs a sense of loss in realizing those hopes were merely banter to the other.
You have the âgrown upâ version of it alluded to in âSo Long, Londonâ and âHow Did It End?â, the years of putting in work to save a relationship and the âdeflation of our dreaming leaving [her] bereft and reelingâ leading to them âcalling it all off.â The implication is clearly that they built a home together with plans for next steps at a point in time, but the commitment is shattered. (Obviously to me it sounds like marriage.) Sheâs bitter at spending her âprimeâ years with someone who ultimately didnât want to be there, even if he couldnât or wouldnât admit it himself.
She felt like she did everything she was supposed to, but they were learning the right steps to different dances at as it were. Those dreams were at one point shared, but in the end they werenât right for each other and she admits that, though bitterly (âI founded the club sheâs heard great things aboutâ eg the years she put in for him to help him grow up will end up benefiting his new lover, âbut Iâm not the one,â âyouâll find someone,â etc.). Mixed in with all this of her resentment of him wasting her youth (sacrificing herself at the altar), and his resentment of her for reasons less defined, and insinuations of betrayal in the shadows. The fantasy of the whole package disappears into the ether, yet she still has no answers as to how they got there.
Then in comes the wolf in sheepâs clothing in many of the rest of the songs, the one who promises her all those things sheâs dreamed of since she was a kid instantly. After years of moulding herself to other menâs desires, someone comes in and tells her exactly what she wants to hear at the most vulnerable time of her life, as though the universe is answering her prayers, like some sort of cosmic payback for all sheâs suffered, and itâs the most intoxicating drug of all. Sheâs gone from her wish for a family life feeling like sheâs in a way being used for her body, to it being used as a chain to a relationship gone sour, to having someone put a metaphorical ring on her finger and tell her he wants to have babies with her, fuck those other guys.
In her grief and stupor, itâs too good to be true, which is exactly why she falls for it. But of course, itâs all an illusion, because this wolf is an amalgamation of the worst of all the men who came before him. He tells her everything she wants to hear not to make her dreams come true, but to make his. He takes the worst parts of these scenarios to make his move: heâll stand by her, heâll commit, heâll do it out in the open under the spotlightâs glare (all things desperately lacking in her last relationship), but after he beds her he stabs her in the back in private and leaves her. He got what he wanted at the expense of her losing everything she wanted, this time as her world caved in seemingly for good. She feels like she gave up everything she thought she might have had for a chance that this is where the universe has been point her all along, only to be left broken for good (you represent the loss of my life as I knew it).
Then there are two sort of codas to this. In âBut Daddy I Love Himâ we get a sassier reimagining of âLove Story,â where the girl with the scarlet letter is mouthy and crass and tells everyone to go fuck themselves for cursing her in the first place, choosing her love above all else. And no, those haters canât come to her wedding. Her daddy may have come around, but they sure canât. Finally it seems someone is choosing her and will someday give her these things, and sheâll be able to show all the naysayers. (Also interestingly one of the more fictionally-veiled songs which ends happily vs the diaristic ones that donât.)
Then of course thereâs âSo High School,â our first glimpse into what the future holds. Probably the only unabashedly happy (nay⌠electric?) song on the album, itâs all about reclaiming the buzz of youth (which is a whole other post) with a new lover. âAre you gonna marry, kiss or kill me? Itâs just a game but really, Iâm betting on all three for us two.â Itâs, er, a direct nod to a certain now-infamous interview, but again, sheâs staking her claim on her future, if not certain then at least hopeful again. This time the prospect doesnât come with a âbut.â Itâs not, weâll be pushing strollers but actually youâre too young. Itâs not, we had these dreams for our future but actually I canât move forward. Itâs not, Iâm going to promise you a ring and a baby but only until my needs are met and then Iâm out. Itâs, I know what I wanted and Iâm not leaving, and thanks to that now she stays too.
The album dealt with the theme not at all in the way I expected, but is absolutely fascinating.
