they/them

I don't think about suicide that much anymore but today was.. special, I guess?

I was overhelmed by all my dogmas and really just wanted to die. My life felt like a penalty that will last for my whole life. I thought that I will never be able to feel happiness ever again, I was so mad, sad and disapponted with the people whose only "job" it was to love me, but they failed so hard that sometimes I feel like I should just fire them. Like the man that got my mother pregnant with me. His only job was to love his kids, to be present and loving, a caring father, but damn, did he fail.

I am digressing right now because my head is lost in thoughts, but what I actually wanted to tell is the story about how reaching out may save your life one day.

The first panic attack today happened when I was walking in my hood and it came out of the middle of nowhere and I called one of my best friends and daaaamn did she organized my way out of this. She was quiet, calm, she was sweet and caring, loving and most of all: she was there. Even after this long and exhausting call she reached out to me, she offered help and gave me the feeling that I am not a burden even on bad days.

My second panic attack overcame me a few hours later and this time it was even worse than the first. I really felt like dying in the middle of a sunny day, I had struggle breathing and I hyperventilated so hard that I had to vomit and I couldn't drink one sip of water because I couldnt regulate my breathing. So I called my favorite human in the world and even if they are not in a good mental health place either, they were there. And damn, did they bring me back. They were breathing with me, showered with me (over phone), reminded me to try to drink, they listened to me and remembered me of all the things I thought were killing me - and didn't. They reminded me of how strong I am and even if I really, really thought I had to die in order to get rid of these feelings, they somehow made me survive this day. After this day I'm feeling very very tired and still pretty sad,but I am so grateful and full of love and it might make me cry a little longer, just thinking about how lucky I am to have these humans in my life.

And I know its not anyones job to be there and it can be exhausting for every side to have a situation like this, but please please reach out to your loved ones if you're feeling down.