Ayen🌻

I wish we could go back to that day. I remember trying to squeeze in all the love we could before I left, like we were on borrowed time. I remember the feeling that it was not over yet, what if you came to visit me? I remember the confusion - I didn't want to leave you and you didn't want me to go. but you decided that this was for the best. I wasn't too sure about that, but it was too late for me to pull one last grand romantic gesture. you never really cared for those, anyway. if we had left it there, things might be different now. but instead we talked everyday for a month, it seemed like a good idea to let go slowly. and as the days passed, I noticed you were less present. when you called, I answered right away. but when I called, you were busy. that was nothing new, but a couple times you were even kind of mean, and that was new. I wanted to hold space for the fact that you had so much going on in life, that I've hurt you too, that it's not easy for you and you were as confused as I was. I thought that even though we had broken up, we still loved each other in the same way. so I felt led astray, when a month passed, I came back to visit, and you said you no longer have feelings for me. where did they go? why did you still confide in me about your stressful days, knowing how I felt about you? why could you not look me in the eye when I finally saw you again? why did you pull away when I made a joke and patted you on the shoulder? and why, why did you make plans with me to watch my favorite show, only to leave me wondering if you were even alive because you didn't come or message or call to tell me you wouldn't be making it?

is this what it means to be friends like you wanted? how? how could we be friends? I see you and I see your face as we're running around the house, so happy and playful. I see you and I see us holding each other, warm, my heart rate dropped from 120 to 80 in an instant. I see you and I see the nights I cried because I could not reach you, I was scared of losing you forever. I see you and I see us in your car, me yelling, full of anger and resentment, I couldn't believe that after everything, we'd be back here. I see you and I see us sitting on my bed, and I asked you, let's try again, and you laughed in disbelief, or discomfort, I don't know, but you said no. I see you and I see the words you wrote to me, finally, and you said I make you want to be better, you said you hope you can be the partner I deserve someday. I see you and I see the future I wanted to build with you, it was hopeless but it was ours. I see you and I see a day where we meet again and any doubt about each other was folly

I thought the world of you, even when you were in another world entirely. I loved every piece of you, even those that didn't fit into mine. I was in love with the most beautiful person I had ever seen, and I had seen a lot. You had access to me in a way that no one else has. You saw the best parts of me and the worst parts of me. I was so scared that someday I'd push you away, but you told me nothing would change how you felt about me. on the mountain, you said you would always love me. but now you don't, not in the way I love you.

you would probably relate to me on this part: it was painful to love you. we were different in the ways that mattered. we didn't see eye to eye on the most important tenet of a relationship, which is how one should show up for their partner. because of this, there were a lot of bad feelings, a lot of fights.

but I felt, I really felt that it did not matter as long as I got to wake up beside you and fall asleep knowing you'd be there again in the morning. all of it was worth it if I could just be by your side. that's what you said, too, hours before everything fell apart.

to just be by your side, it was too much to ask for from someone like you. and as much as I'd like to keep playing the blame game, I know that some things can't be changed and I can't keep trying to force a rectangle-shaped peg into a triangle-shaped hole.

so now it's time to let you go. it will be hard, it may not even be possible, because some things I don't want to forget, some things I cannot forgive, things you did, things I did. I can't do that, or I'll never learn. but with time and practice, at least I can keep you in my past, and that last day that we had together will be a good memory to revisit, but not to live in. not anymore.

To: You

I skipped a day. Accidentally. It didn't mean that I didn't think about you, rather, I thought too much. I've replayed every possible scenario through my head over and over that I've begun to dream them. It's a reprise from the other dreams.

Remember when you used to have nightmares and wake up too frightened to even explain to me what they were? I could never find the right way to comfort you. I suppose that now, every single day that I wake up from a nightmare only to find myself in another one, this is my karma for never being enough.

Is it self centered to think this way? I haven't been able to consider that. I haven't been able to consider much else besides the words I would say to you if you ever returned.

I don't know if I'll ever accept the chance that you're never coming back to me. It's as hard of a concept to think about as what could exist beyond death if there was truly nothingness. Do you remember when I gave myself a panic attack for hours after trying to imagine that? I can't remember now if I knew you yet, though it was the same year that we would've met.

If I had a stronger imagination, it would've taken over as a defense mechanism by now. I kinda wish it would. I kinda wish I could separate myself from my body long enough to skip time until you return. And if that never happens, then I hope to never return to my body either.

I would've never told you that, though. You used to think that I had found a way to heal myself, that I was strong. I only buried it all so deep that I thought nothing could bring it back. Without you, I'm realizing, I've had far too much time alone and it's been digging itself up like a zombie from a grave. It's only a matter of time before it claws its way up my throat and out of my mouth. I swear that you will never bear witness to it. If I can survive it a second time, maybe I can survive you. If that's what you want me to do. You know I'd rip my own body to shreds in a second if you asked me to. I'd stop my own heart if you wanted. If it meant yours could continue to beat, if it meant you could be okay.

My darling, I miss you too much to wish any ill upon you. Give your pain to me instead. I can bear it if it means I could have you again, even for a second.

That right love at the wrong time. Sucks, right? I know just how much you would do just to keep me in your life and how willing you are to sacrifice a lot just to make me happy. I appreciate how much you want to talk to me or see me even if it hurt. But knowing all these still can’t make me promise to be with you. I hide my true feelings so you’d never know. I let you think that we don’t feel the same way. But the truth is, I know my heart also wants you. I also want to be with you. But I can’t.

I’ve always felt that my heart would be broken once you’re gone. I’ve fallen for you hard enough to never forget you. I know you’ll always wonder why I never had the courage to fight for what we have. Why I never had the courage to tell you how much you mean to me. And I think that hurts more than a breakup. I wish I met you earlier. I wish I never hurt you.

If someday we meet again and everything falls into place for us, I will never hesitate to tell you how much I’ve waited and longed for you. And I’d never lose you again..

Saturday 09.10 am 24 Sept 2022. 

Finally coming back to this platform, since 2018 I wrote and opened tumblr .

4 years have passed, and here I am, just writing whatever popped out in my head. Word by word without any goals, just flowing out of my mind through my fingertips pressuring this keyboard to form whatever you and I read right now. 

It is a #therapy I guess? since Instagram Facebook and others is all just for scrolls, and kinda mind numbing and brain dumbing ey? 

So what about start a #dailyjournaling ? 

Next Question will be : So what are you going to write about?

Me : anything. explaining what I am doing right now…such as opening my macbook, and login to tumblr, writing this, listening to spotify discovering new song with Khruangbin-esque vibe .. [to be honest , that’s all I can hear lately, no more deep house, techno, or tribal afro.. it is all just too much for my ear]. 

Maybe this is what getting old feels …. when less lyrics and more instrumentals is sometimes better, or just pure nostalgic and all about lyrics that can make you feel like want to do karaoke while time traveling back to the 90′s …

Ok so let see, now I am going to eat up my dragon fruit bowl with greek mango yoghurt with some warm rosella lemon tea, and hoping to cure this constipation that I had since landed back in Jakarta. Kinda feel the stress….more than just an “emotional constipation” , coz the SHIT is real… literally No Shit No Fun. 

So my wish today is to have a relieving poo time and me time in this weekend and maybe later going to sugaring and facial. [cliche #metime … if not getting distracted by Netflix and spend the whole day in bed instead] 

There you go, Journaling Day 1. 

Check in tomorrow ! 

No matter how good you are, no matter how pure your intentions are, no matter how much love and respect you give to someone, no matter how good your heart is… NONE of these things will make people treat you right. Your love, respect, and efforts will not change a person if they don’t want to change in the first place. If you try to change someone for the better, they will resent you and rebel. We fear that by expressing our needs or how we feel will appear “too needy or too controlling”, But learn to speak up for what’s been bothering you because in a real relationship/friendship, speaking about your feelings would never end up in an argument.

So learn to walk away from things that no longer serve you respect, love and appreciation. Not everyone thinks like you, not everyone is on the same page as you. Stop gaslighting yourself and live upto your potential. Go with the flow.

Here I am again. Waiting without hope and not wondering for any number of words. I know. I know you know I feel for you, even if I didn’t say as much. I know you let slip your other interests to gently remind me you don’t feel the same. And I know I can’t act on my feelings. But somehow they remain. Even when you remind me again in your way that we aren’t compatible right now, they remain. Even when you try to tease them away from you, they remain. Even when I am approached and given easier, still incredible partners to romance, they remain. Because you shine in a way nobody else does. A light so precious rare it has captivated my heart, and I can only stare into it and pray I can be lost in its depths. But it is out of reach for this Nobody. Every day we speak, and every day in try to close my eyes. But through my eyelids the light reminds me of its presence. So I must watch from afar and be blinded, left only to bask in the warmth. I pray I can win your heart before then, lest mine own grow hollow.

Take what you have learned this year and heal from it. Grow from it. Understand how beautiful it is to reach this point. - To stand and inhale the life you have been granted. Let this new year be your year. Let this new year consume you. Let it guide you and let it give you the hope you need to move forward. You must know how only the best is yet to come.

1. Most of the things you’re worried about are just in your head. Once you realize this, you’ll become a more calm person.

2. Your life is yours and yours only. Don’t let other people make your life decision for you.

3. You don’t need 100 friends. You just need a few who can make you laugh until your face hurts. When you find them, keep them close.

4. Sometimes, you meet the right person at the wrong time. It may never work out and that’s okay. Breathe. You will eventually heal.

5. Don’t hold grudges. People who upset you now won’t matter in the next 10 years.

6. Not everything that happens is your fault. Stop beating yourself up for the things that you have no control over.

7. You are always, always enough.

8. People don’t stay forever. They stop being there even when they tell you they wouldn’t. Always keep your expectations low.

9. Don’t feel shitty if people only remember you when they need help. Instead, it is an honor to know that of all the people they can go to, you’re the one that they trust enough with their problems.

2018 has been a crazy ass one.

I started the year by cutting people off - cutting important people off. I left so many memories and friends behind. I closed myself off from those who cared and mattered. But that was just the beginning.

1. Treat People With Kindness. You never know what someone might be going through. Pain doesn't have to be visible to be real.

2. Voice your emotions. Your friends and family are not mind readers, don't hold them up to unrealistic standards.

3. It's okay to not be okay. Everything that you feel is valid. I can't ever stress this enough.

4. It's okay to put yourself first when you need to.

5. Crying is good. Don't hold in your emotions when they're threatening to overwhelm you.

6. Some mistakes you can't take back, but you can always learn from them and profit from the experience by growing.

7. Your friends are the family you choose. No matter how toxic your blood relatives might get, your friends don't have to be. Choose the right ones.

8. There are times when you might be the toxic person in someone's life, even if you want to be the exact opposite.

9. Reach out for help when you need it. You're not alone, no matter how lonely your mental illness makes you believe you are. Your loved ones care so much.

10. If you're not willing to work for something, you don't have the right to be upset when it turns out bad. Don't take success for granted and don't confuse hard work with simply being lucky.

11. You can be alone without being lonely. Spend time with yourself, get to know you. Sometimes, you'll be all you have.

12. That thing you're so scared of? You can absolutely do it.

13. Stay in touch with your emotions. Perceive your capacity to feel them as a strength rather than something negative. Feeling too much is always better than feeling nothing at all.

14. Take care of yourself. Open a window, drink a glass of water. Treat yourself to something nice every once in a while, you deserve good things.

15. Check on your friends. Tell them you love them. Make sure they're okay.

16. Breaking bad habits takes time and a huge amount of willpower. Change doesn't happen overnight. Don't give up on trying to improve yourself because you feel like you're not making (enough) progress.

17. Doing something nice for your loved ones never needs an occasion. If you feel like there's something you can do to make someone close to you smile, go for it.

18. Stop stressing so much about the future. You're still so young. There will be so many more opportunities, people will come and go, who knows where life might take you? Trust that you'll be okay.