princess bubblegum

I can’t tell you who it was. Because I’m scared of the repercussions. This person has ruined my life before, and has the power to do so again.

I was 14. Going through that angsty stage, y’know? I’d broken up with my first ever boyfriend, and I really thought I was hot shit, going about smoking, drinking, and destroying things. It was at this time i started meeting a lot more new people, as during that relationship I distanced myself a lot from people, so naturally I really came out of my shell and started talking to a lot of new people!

There was one person I met during that time that I became a lot closer with than I ever could have imagined. We had the same sense of humour and got on like a house on fire. We soon became essentially the other halves of each others lives.

It became evident very quickly that he had developed feelings for me. I thought I had made it clear that I didn’t feel the same, but because of the constant sexual jokes and flirting, I don’t think that message was perceived very clearly, and that’s on me. I’m sorry.

It started with the depression. I knew because of my home life, I was incredibly unhappy. Things were rocky, and he knew that. I began relapsing, showing face and I was open about these struggles. We were two halves of a whole, after all. But then you started showing up to school with damage. In plain view. I could see it, and you made sure of that. You told me everything, as I expected you to. I understood. You knew I could never leave anyone in that position. 

It got worse. We were two halves of a whole, sure. But we were two halves of sheer damage. It was a match up made for disaster. You knew how to play me. To get what you wanted. It was at one of my lowest points that you came clean. It was something I saw coming for months. But I said to myself I’d accept it and move on. Allow you to get over me in time. But then you started talking. Talking about not wanting to be alive. Talking about how we’d end our lives if the other one did. Talking about life without me. That it wasn’t worth living. You pushed me so it was my decision. So it was my suggestion. ‘Just as we are, just with a label.’ I never saw us as together, but I know you did. I felt I had no choice. Then began the worst months of my life.

I tried to play you at your own game. Saying I’d give you what you wanted if I got what I wanted. And it worked, for a while. But I think you became savvy to it. I stopped in fear of getting found out. That I wasn’t in this for love. I was in this to save you, I was too scared of losing you. And losing myself, in turn.

Work experience, summer 2013. I went back to my primary school, as did you. Luckily, it was two weeks in which we didn’t see each other. Depression was at an all time high for the both of us. The cuts were so deep they made me dizzy. I’d run out of room. Things were all too much. And I told you. I told you. It was all fake. I’d never felt so scared in my life. You made me believe I wouldn’t see you wake up in the morning. And it was all because of me. It was all my fault.

After days of torture, you finally told me thank you... After all that... Thank you?!

You said no one had ever done anything that nice for you before, or cared about you that much to do that. So it was okay, and things could go back to normal.

But that was only the beginning.

The late night conversations, the constant guilt over ‘what I did to you’. You used it against me, every time.

‘Show us your tits’ ‘Go on, let’s just see you naked’ ‘Just this once’ ‘Let me see a picture of it’ ‘No.’ ‘Think it’s the least you owe me after what you did to me...’

So I did. I caved. All those 3am Skype calls where I called you up crying, that was always how it would turn. I needed you and you used my weakness against me. You got what you wanted.

And then my family found out. I was convinced by you that there was nothing wrong with it. Until I moved away, and I realised there was. I had to cut you off from everything, and did everything in my power to stop the police getting involved, because your parents didn’t deserve that. Then the ask.fm messages started. Direct quote(all I could salvage bc i deleted the rest): ‘tbh im glad youre ignoring me.. i just wanna know why. after everything we've been through i think i atleast deserve that.. you know after you basically ruined my life and stuff..’ Then you backtracked, tried to get me back under your control... ‘ok so i know ive said a bunch of mean shit to you since ive known you, but like youre the best bestfriend that i've ever had, and you mean the world to me.. but now you've blocked me on literally everything without telling me why, but im sorry if i did something to make you hate me :c i miss you tbh‘

Thankfully, I was strong enough not to cave. But, you really fucked me up. To this day, I’m still not okay with how violated I felt/feel. You changed my life forever. And I hope this won’t get back to you. I hope you’ve grown. And I hope you’re happy, and healthy.