Never Not Phased

I waited at the same place for days,

I wanted you to find me.

Went on the internet with my full name,

I wanted you to find me.

Gave you signs,

cleared up my nights,

I wanted to be your light,

I wanted you to find me.

Gave you time,

Wronged my rights,

Put up a good fight,

I wanted you to define me.

I left you little hints,

I wanted you to find me.

Under lights so dim,

I wanted you to define me.

I hoped I was enough,

For you to come find me.

And sweep me off my feet,

Colloquially defy me.

I sang hoping for a siren bond,

I wanted you to hear me.

Wanted to inch closer till we breathed the same air,

I wanted you near me.

Still,

I never made it clear enough,

I wanted you to find me.

If your life becomes a heartbreak story,

You know I can make it just fine.

I'll do anything to fix it,

I'll keep myself on the line.

You mean too much to me,

You're too much to lose,

So I wish you well,

Even if my endgame's not you.

Do you know?

That you've been,

Stealing hearts,

Unknowingly?

If your life becomes a heartbreak story,

You know I can make it just fine.

I'll always love you,

Unconditionally,

You know,

Even if you're not mine.

There was something about you,

That made me follow you down,

To the ends of the earth.

I could never doubt you,

But I don't know what to do with the words

That I heard.

It's my indifference to reality,

That makes me still want to breathe

Into existence

Something that could never be.

It feels different,

Seeing you again.

But this difference,

Is gonna end me,

If I don't listen

To my brain over my heart.

Slept in the same clothes,

Didn't even take my makeup off.

And I didn't drink,

But I'm still hungover?

Conversations that I

Don't wanna forget.

Feelings that I

Now regret,

Got me hungover.

I wake up to the news,

Of some other girl mending your bruise.

I wake up to the shouts,

They tell me you kissed her on the mouth.

And I feel like a loser again,

Dark eyed, a 'good friend'.

I don't even bother

To stop by the mirror now

I didn't drink

But I'm still hungover somehow.

I like the sky,

But I'm afraid to look up,

It might make me ponder

A bit too much

About the expanse

Of this wretched universe,

Wretched, but still beautiful.

I like the sea,

But I'm scared to look down.

Scared of it's depth,

And I'm scared to drown.

Scared of whatever might be lurking beneath,

I like the ocean,

But not the mystery.

I like books,

But I'm scared to turn the pages too much,

Scared of being overwhelmed by knowledge,

Scared of paper cuts.

Scared of knowing how less I really know,

I like books,

But is it just for show?

I like love,

But I don't like to face,

The mirror that is someone else's embrace.

If I see my flaws in them,

I might let them go

I like love,

Till it's love galore.

I wanna melt in him

I wanna touch his skin

And let him know that it's just the beginning

I wanna wrap him in

My favourite scent

And make sure that he'll never forget it

You lied,

Without any words,

Through unreturned trust.

You talk,

Without any words,

Through glances and guns.

Gentle violence,

Caused my silence,

And I don't know what to call it now.

So much for science,

I thought they could find,

Everything about human nature somehow.

I try,

To follow the road,

Back to my home,

But it belongs to someone else.

I try,

To let it all go,

Build a new house of gold,

But my hands don't seem to work.

Gentle violence,

Pushed me to silence,

And acceptance I didn't ask for.

I should've died,

The day it was final,

That you would never want me anymore.

I begged a killer to love me,

I begged a sinner to see me,

So my astonishment when they didn't,

was perhaps all an act?

I'm not lacking,

When it comes to cleverness and wit,

But the matters of the heart

I suppose, dumb me down a bit.

I begged a bigot to get me,

I let a hypocrite change me,

And at the end I was left drained,

Maimed, insane, and ashamed.

I kissed the dagger that bled me,

And let it undress me,

So curse me not for bitterness,

As I drank from poisoned truth.

So speak not of forgiveness,

Let it stay a fantasy,

Your life is not ruined,

Merely because you ruined me.

A hollow apology,

Could not mend these cracks,

In my heart or in your life,

So let it stay intact.

Do not say that you're sorry, love

Maybe it was me who was wrong,

For seeking love in the irredeemable,

For allowing my pain to drag on.

For letting your poison seep into

My heart through my blood,

I wish I knew that love like yours,

Leaves the deepest cuts.

I sat with the feeling,

I learnt how deal with it.

You ran to another girl,

Just like I predicted.

Her head on your shoulder,

My ghost dressed in red,

Somehow still haunts you,

My words echo in your head.

You'll be together forever,

Cause she's not like me,

She's not a cold hearted bitch.

She would fall to her knees,

Begging you to love her,

Begging baby please,

Don't you ever leave.

Was I wrong to be tired,

Of never getting what I need?

You're longing for autumn,

When summer's not over yet.

You still try to seal it with a kiss,

I guess I won my bet.

I knew there was something about you,

That sickened me to my soul.

Something told me to run,

Something told me to go,

And I knew it would hurt,

But now I think that it won't.

I could not mother,

The child in your heart.

I just wanted a lover,

Who would fulfill his part.

Take all your money,

And take all your love,

And give it to someone,

You think deserves

All your affection,

And the suffocation,

That comes with being someone

That you love.

And I was a happy prisoner,

So why did you let me go?

For someone else,

Who would resist,

The chains that I gladly wore.

I made you feel seen,

And then erased you.

I did for me,

Selfishly.

And here's something you'll never believe,

Something that may be hard to see,

I did it for you,

I always do.

I've never been

The type to cancel plans,

And I'm sorry I could never be

Your whirlwind romance.

I really tried

To put my heart in your hands,

But I think I wasn't meant to be

Your whirlwind romance.

I can't say for sure that this is closure,

Because I know when I'll go home I'll be hit by boredom,

And when I'm bored, there comes a hoard of

ideas for coping methods,

And one of them is you.

I can't say for sure that I'm over you,

Finding someone better is hard, that's the truth.

But aren't you the type to never leave clues,

Closure is hard, when it comes to you.

I imagine being next to you,

Sometimes.

I'd hug you tight, cling to you,

Without fright,

As the weight of all the things, good and bad

Weigh down on me

I'd cry, still clinging to your apparition

And realise

That I don't ever want to let go,

The warmth I find here could be found nowhere,

Even if I searched the whole world, searched high and low.

And angel, you'll go to heaven, that's for sure,

Your heart and soul, so serene, so tranquil, so pure

This broken heart has only one cure,

You.

Riley, know we love you,

You'll never not be cool enough for us.

You'll always be the mom of the group,

The butt of the joke,

The yes to our no's,

The star of the show.

Riley, know we love you,

Nobody could ever take your place.

She'll never be the mom of the group,

The butt of the joke,

The hinge to our door,

The star of the show,

Or the sun to the moon,

It could only be you.

Riley, know we miss you,

Misunderstandings should never run so deep,

Maybe some things can be ignored,

For a friendship to keep?

Riley, what in the world was it,

that caused you to leave?

You thought that we could

do without you?

How could we?

We'll never be the mom of the group,

The butt of the joke,

The hinge to our door,

The star of the show.

Riley, we love you,

And we hope you know.

Can you capture it, remember it?

The way I always do.

Can you think about it, cry about it?

The way I always do.

Can you turn these feelings into art?

Can you be the bridge that never falls apart?

Hold on to every little piece of it?

Can you capture it, remember it?

Will you let your ego come between us?

The way I never do.

Will you treasure it and never let it rust?

The way I always do.

Or will you show me every little flaw of mine?

Find a few and then leave me behind.

Or will you capture it, remember it?

Fall for more than just my silhouette?

The sky, it looks the same,

As it did a few days ago,

When I was with you,

It hurts to let go.

How is it that everything's the same,

Yet so different,

When the only thing that ever changed,

is you.

The sky looks just the same,

as it was that time we were trying to find shapes in the clouds.

So don't you make me cry,

Don't you say his name,

I'm a victim, who was addicted

to his vicious games.

The ivy on my walls,

Has flowers and has thorns

I waver, like the leaves,

That waver in the breeze.

In the barren fields,

Where you planted a tree.

The carvings on my wall,

Said that you'll be long gone,

By the time I finish my song.

I waited for your call,

From summer till fall.

But now it's a shame, I had to let go of it all.

Even the moon has blemishes and scars,

But you'd rather love the stars,

That you can't know from afar.

Words didn't seem to make much sense,

When you weren't the one saying them.

Your melody was the only memory,

That I could live again and again,

But each time I hit rewind,

I lost a piece of my dignity.

It hurts like so,

To miss the home I never had,

And it hurts like so,

To miss a song I never wrote.

You made me feel like I was

An outsider in the story of my own life.

I was just chasing the feeling,

That I got when you made me feel alive.