The moment the door shut in the room, Tom clung to Vanessa and cried out all the pent up pain. He kept hold of her like it was the last night on earth, then slowly pulled himself together and pulled away a little so he could look at her. âIâm sorry I havenât been in touch. I wanted to, but I thought the mess I was in⌠I would take it out on you and you donât deserve that.â He admitted. âI always thought that it would get better with time, but it just gets more concentrated.â Tom sighed. âI havenât slept in days and Iâm drinking.. a lot. I canât remember the last time I had a proper meal and not a bar snack.â He shook his head. â I have this stupid illusion that when I drink, I get so numb that I donât feel anything including the pain anymore.â
Tom bit his lip and sighed. â I whored myself all over town because I thought if I came to you I would take all my anger out on you. Because you matter most to me, apart from my family, and if I got close and you left I wouldnât be able to cope. So I avoided you, I thought that I would be over this by now, but itâs not going away.â Tom felt himself get choked up. â I have to find a way to fix this, Iâm letting down my girls.â He said and tears filled his eyes again. âI canât end up like Ellieâs mom.â
â There were nights I walked past your place and I just wanted to come in and be with you, but I knew it wouldnât be fair on you, I thought that I was damaged and until I learnt to fix myself I couldnât be near you, because..â He stopped and took a shaky intake of breath. âI guess Iâm terrified if I get close to you, you will leave me like the others did,â Tom whispered. âI just donât know what to do anymore. My mom is getting me a doctors appointment for antidepressants and I have been booked on a weekend grief counselling in February so it doesnât affect my work.â He explained, âValentineâs day surrounded by ten other men who are all suffering, sounds awesome.â He scoffed sarcastically then looked at her. â Iâm sorry I interrupted you at work, I can go if you need me to, but I just wanted to see you and say Iâm sorry.âÂ
It was such a hard position to be in. Part of Vanessa felt guilty that she hadnât been there to try and hold Tom together like he had done for her. As as he cried and told her about his excessive drinking and time in bars, her concern only continued to grow. âDrinking is only a temporary fix.â Obviously, he knew that. She just didnât know what else to say. She couldnât blame him for the drinking. She knew that it was an easy way to try and numb everything.
âI know youâve been with other people,â she said, trying to figure out how to say what she needed to. âBut please donât say I matter that much to you. I saw you kissing someone else on New Years Eve, and I know youâve been sleeping around. I thought we were seeing where this.. where you and I were going, but I suppose that was just wishful thinking on my end.â After a few moments of silence, she shook her head. âSo donât become like her. Take the steps to do better. They need you to be there for them, Tom. Miaâs a strong girl, but sheâs worried for you. And Ellie needs you more than anyone else.â
Vanessa sighed heavily. She wanted to cry along with him, hearing all of the things he was saying, but she couldnât. One of them needed to be composed and she couldnât let the waterworks start while she was at work. âPushing me away and avoiding me is the way to get me to leave. I can handle the bad stuff, Tom, I know darkness well. I understand it. But getting close to me isnât going to make me leave.â She paused. âWhen I made the choice to let you in, it was huge. I swore off feeling anything for anyone, or getting close to anyone, because I didnât know if I could handle more death or losing someone else. I get not wanting to be left and not wanting to face more loss. I wish you could see that Iâm not here to fuck around with your heart, that I wouldnât have even considered being with you if I didnât have every intention of sticking around.â
She nodded. âI think thatâll all be good for you. You may not like it, especially the grief counselling, but I think itâll help. You need to do what you can to heal and grow.â Vanessa sat down on one of the beds in the room and ran her hands over her thighs slowly. âLike I said, itâs fine. Iâm not busy right now, so unless I get paged, Iâve got time.â