Who put the world on my back and not in my hands

The moment the door shut in the room, Tom clung to Vanessa and cried out all the pent up pain. He kept hold of her like it was the last night on earth, then slowly pulled himself together and pulled away a little so he could look at her. “I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch. I wanted to, but I thought the mess I was in… I would take it out on you and you don’t deserve that.” He admitted. “I always thought that it would get better with time, but it just gets more concentrated.” Tom sighed. “I haven’t slept in days and I’m drinking.. a lot. I can’t remember the last time I had a proper meal and not a bar snack.” He shook his head. “ I have this stupid illusion that when I drink, I get so numb that I don’t feel anything including the pain anymore.”

Tom bit his lip and sighed. “ I whored myself all over town because I thought if I came to you I would take all my anger out on you. Because you matter most to me, apart from my family, and if I got close and you left I wouldn’t be able to cope. So I avoided you, I thought that I would be over this by now, but it’s not going away.” Tom felt himself get choked up. “ I have to find a way to fix this, I’m letting down my girls.” He said and tears filled his eyes again. “I can’t end up like Ellie’s mom.”

“ There were  nights I walked past your place and I just wanted to come in and be with you, but I knew it wouldn’t be fair on you, I thought that I was damaged and until I learnt to fix myself I couldn’t be near you, because..” He stopped and took a shaky intake of breath. “I guess I’m terrified if I get close to you, you will leave me like the others did,” Tom whispered. “I just don’t know what to do anymore. My mom is getting me a doctors appointment for antidepressants and I have been booked on a weekend grief counselling in February so it doesn’t affect my work.” He explained, “Valentine’s day surrounded by ten other men who are all suffering, sounds awesome.” He scoffed sarcastically then looked at her. “ I’m sorry I interrupted you at work, I can go if you need me to, but I just wanted to see you and say I’m sorry.” 

It was such a hard position to be in. Part of Vanessa felt guilty that she hadn’t been there to try and hold Tom together like he had done for her. As as he cried and told her about his excessive drinking and time in bars, her concern only continued to grow. “Drinking is only a temporary fix.” Obviously, he knew that. She just didn’t know what else to say. She couldn’t blame him for the drinking. She knew that it was an easy way to try and numb everything.

“I know you’ve been with other people,” she said, trying to figure out how to say what she needed to. “But please don’t say I matter that much to you. I saw you kissing someone else on New Years Eve, and I know you’ve been sleeping around. I thought we were seeing where this.. where you and I were going, but I suppose that was just wishful thinking on my end.” After a few moments of silence, she shook her head. “So don’t become like her. Take the steps to do better. They need you to be there for them, Tom. Mia’s a strong girl, but she’s worried for you. And Ellie needs you more than anyone else.”

Vanessa sighed heavily. She wanted to cry along with him, hearing all of the things he was saying, but she couldn’t. One of them needed to be composed and she couldn’t let the waterworks start while she was at work. “Pushing me away and avoiding me is the way to get me to leave. I can handle the bad stuff, Tom, I know darkness well. I understand it. But getting close to me isn’t going to make me leave.” She paused. “When I made the choice to let you in, it was huge. I swore off feeling anything for anyone, or getting close to anyone, because I didn’t know if I could handle more death or losing someone else. I get not wanting to be left and not wanting to face more loss. I wish you could see that I’m not here to fuck around with your heart, that I wouldn’t have even considered being with you if I didn’t have every intention of sticking around.”

She nodded. “I think that’ll all be good for you. You may not like it, especially the grief counselling, but I think it’ll help. You need to do what you can to heal and grow.” Vanessa sat down on one of the beds in the room and ran her hands over her thighs slowly. “Like I said, it’s fine. I’m not busy right now, so unless I get paged, I’ve got time.”

After his talk with his mother and Mia and Winnie, Tom knew he had to face the one person he was afraid of hurting.  He walked to the hospital and hovered outside the entrance for ten minutes before getting the courage to go in. Everything was so clean and fresh, nothing like Tom at this very moment, creased shirt and dirty jeans, messy hair, stubble and the faint smell of alcohol were becoming his fashion staple. 

Entering the elevator, he kept the doors from closing as an old couple entered with one of them in a wheelchair. He was polite as they chatted to him, telling him how they had been together for twenty five years. He smiled and knew they were trying to cheer him up and accepted their kind nature gratefully. Once on the children’s ward. Tom saw a small boy run across the hall just under his feet and Tom felt his heartache for his lost son. He shouldn’t be here. He was just about to turn and leave when a nurse smiled at him. “ Can I help you?” She asked, Shit, he couldn’t run now. “ Er…  Is Dr Moreno in?” The nurse nodded and pointed to the waiting room “ I’ll page her now.”

In the waiting room, Tom was surrounded by children and babies, One little boy climbed up on a chair beside him and showed him a toy truck. “ That’s awesome.” He said with a half smile and then he heard her voice in the hall. Tom quickly walked out into the hall and his heart skipped a beat when he saw her. “ Hi.” He said quietly. “ If you’re busy I can come back… I just wanted… needed to see you.” He explained while trying to control his emotions. “It seems you’re the only one who can save me.” He gave a small laugh as the tears fell. The realization finally hitting him that he needed help.  

@nessamoreno​

Vanessa had just been really focused on her work ever since New Years. She saw Tom kissing someone else. She knew that he was a mess, and texting Mia only solidified it. She just didn’t know how to feel, and working was the best distraction from it all that she could think of. She wanted to see Tom, but she didn’t know how that would go, or if he was going to push her away. 

After scrubbing out of a bowel resection on a twelve year old, she got the page from one of the nurses. She tugged her hair out of it’s bun and pulled on her white lab coat before heading out to the waiting room. “Tom,” she breathed out, her eyes finally setting on the man who had been on her mind so frequently. “No, it’s fine, I.. I wasn’t expecting you to be here, but I just got out of surgery and I don’t have anything else to do for a little while.”

Listening to him talk, and seeing how he teared up, she licked her lips. The waiting room wasn’t empty, and she didn’t want him to have a meltdown right there. It wouldn’t look good for either of them. “Not here,” she said. Taking his hand, she tugged Tom down the hall to the nearest on-call room and locked the door behind them so nobody would interrupt. She held him close, her fingers running through his hair. “I’ve got you.”

Tom smiled at Vanessa and a small blush covered his face. “ You are a kick-ass surgeon and you have an awesome life. I can see why you don’t feel the need to change that. Me… I think I should spend more time in bed… with you, I have actually missed you over the holidays but don’t tell anyone.” He teased and kissed her cheek.

 “ You look hot and I will be fighting guys to get to you at midnight won’t I? I better be prepared.” He joked and tapped his glass to hers. “ Happy New Years eve Nessa,” Tom said and kissed her lightly. “I’m gonna enjoy this night before January kicks my ass and turns me into a Dr Phil episode.” he sighed and covered his face with his hands. “ I know I’m gonna be a mess.”

“I think if I’d want anything to change this year, it would be to connect with my family again, but I won’t really hold my breath there,” she chuckled. Vanessa smirked. “I think I should spend more time in bed with you too. I’ve missed you over the holidays too, Tom. Things were just so busy. I spent Christmas day in back to back surgeries.” 

The brunette smiled softly. “Maybe,” she teased, nudging him gently. “But if you want it bad enough I know you’ll fend all of them off and win the kiss,” she added as they tapped glasses. “Happy New Years eve,” she replied, kissing him back. As he continued to speak, she nodded. “You will be, but I know you’ll get through it. And I’m going to be there for you as best as I can be.”

The night was in full swing and Tom was in a merry mood. He was drunk dancing with a total stranger who kept grabbing his ass and although the first two times it was funny, the woman was now starting to get a little too handsy. He managed to pry her off him and then headed to the bar. 

Tom leant against the bar and watched the night unfold in front of him, He watched people drink and party and then felt the pang of loneliness. The only way he could numb that pain was another beer and a whisky chaser.  He ordered his drinks and then tapped the bar along with the music before feeling someone stand next to him. Tom turned and gave the person a smile. “ Happy New Year… what’s your plan for 2020?”

Vanessa was one of the lucky ones who didn’t have to be at the hospital for New Years Eve. She had been super busy over the holiday. It always seemed that more kids came in during their winter breaks, so she wasn’t surprised. She worked on Christmas, so she was thankful that she had this holiday to spend however she felt like. 

Standing at the bar next to Tom, she smiled. She ordered herself another drink and shrugged. “The plan is to keep being a kickass surgeon and living my life the way I have been thus far. It seems to be working for me, no need to change it,” she said. “What’s your plan, babe?”