it's gonna getcha

I have a let's call it Intense set of administrative anxieties, and having my whole university account become not just non-functional (which happened last year in the same kind of circumstances) but totally non-existent and unrecognised really really messes with my particular fear that: it will be proven through verification of ID or some other administrative process that I am A) Not a person at all B) Officially a completely different person than the person I think I am, especially C) someone who is irredeemably evil, for whom administrative errors are the first part of a reveal that all my life as I experience it currently has been a precursor to some kind of unending punishment or torment

so my university account and email have apparently deleted or deactivated so I can't access anything! Including any way to submit my work! I thought that maybe being told far in advance that I could be an external student would mean that this wouldn't happen??? Why doesn't the system know I'm not graduating??

my birthday is in a few weeks and all I want is some sketchbook(s)/drawing paper and some kind of fine liner pens. and some pen grips to make my writing/drawing implements wider n easier to hold!

difficult work today (editing/rewriting), with difficulty languaging. jam tried to comfort me, “you didn’t write [these nonsensical sentences]” and I had to say, yes I did actually!

I’m considering sending a message to someone I used to be friends with, because a lot of cool good stuff is happening for her and I want to be like, hey I’m really happy for you!