N.C.Harkin

Just as I always am

As I always have been

Resilience isn't measured by how many times we fall

But by how many times we get back up

While the struggle runs deep

And it aches like a chore

I know I'll get back up again

Once more

Flung on an involuntary rollercoaster

Soaring in contempt

Flooring in discomfort

“This too shall pass”

And so will I

Eventually

Digging my heels

Refusing to open my eyes and accept

The severity of the loops

Whooshing by those who care

Who want the ride to stop

There’s no preventing the journey I must go alone

Spiralling down the shuddery lane

Here I go again

Lumps in my throat

Ready to break skin

And leak screams

I’m five

The memories are blurred but a fragrance of trauma lingers

Twirling in the air, enticing me to remember

Guilt tears through my chest and down to my core

I wish I knew what I did wrong

What I did that was so uncalled for

I’m ten

Dad left and I’m blaming myself again

My ears ring a tormented tone, high pitched and here I am wishing that I had never been born

I know slightly better now

But not enough to understand

What did I do to make you raise your hand?

I’m fifteen

The crowd dictates what’s in and what’s out

I blare my music to feel in power

Unlocking new songs I’ll cherish forever

The boys aren’t interested, they mock and they murmur

Why didn’t he ever ask for my number?

I’m twenty now

And I’m scared more than ever before, I toss in my sleep, hoping a paying job will fall at my feet

Using and abusing any substance I can get

Why can’t I learn to forgive and forget?

Although my story isn’t done

I’m just a girl whose future has been spun

Over and over like the barrel of a gun

While the trauma still lies, I won’t let it take hold

Of the life I want