Naughty Nerdess

Well it’s kind of an interesting story. I left Honey Badger Radio about three years ago? There were a variety of reasons I left to be sure and I’m really not going to go into it but basically in the aftermath of that I just decided that I needed to focus more on myself and just having good relationships with the people in my life. I took a good hard look at the people I was spending my time with and realized a lot of people weren’t worth my time and energy. I know that I have a problem with investing myself completely in the things I do to an obsessive extent, and the best way to keep myself healthy was to better choose who and what I invest my time in. I took a lot of bad treatment from people I thought were my friends because deep down I felt worthless, but after taking a lot of time away from everything I realized that the problem was those people more than it was me. I’m the kind of person that likes taking care of people and making them happy. I like being good to others but honestly so many of the people I tried to make happy didn’t deserve it. They were just big balls of misery making everyone around them miserable. I foolishly thought I could honestly help people like that, and I was wrong.

I didn’t guard myself enough. I let people use and abuse me, and I guess I decided to put my foot down. But since I did that my life has gotten a lot better. When I entered Men’s Rights Activism I thought I’d hit rock bottom, but absolute rock bottom came from being involved with that much negativity. If all you do is hear about how the world is awful all day everyday you’re gonna break down and that’s what happened. I realized the people around me were not my friends at all and that they never had my back. Which is a shame because I would have done anything for them,

So yeah I got stabbed in the back a bunch. I pretty much said that enough is enough and I took some time away from it all. Best decision I ever made honestly. I tried to write articles and keep things going but I really felt that many of my views had changed and no one was there to read any of that. People wanted to listen to me bitch about feminism and feminists, but no amount of bitching makes those people less awful. It won’t make you feel better about someone hurting you. It just turns you into a virtue signaling asshole seeking validation from others.

I thought to myself, “What’s the point in writing these articles if the only people who read it already believe the way I do?” So I just couldn’t bring myself to finish anything. I just started spending more time with a few actual friends instead of trying to cultivate some following online. I mean none of you folks even know me anyway. You just know me through what I’ve written here and how I was on HBR. In fact I ran into people that constantly mistook me for Alison or Hannah which was actually kind of disturbing to me. There’s probably some people who haven’t even noticed I left at all.

But yeah basically I’ve been focusing on myself a lot more. I built a computer and have been redecorating my room. I planned a trip up north to go to a Ren faire with my boyfriend which was amazing, and for the past few years I’ve been working for a company where the people don’t treat me like shit. It totally blew my mind having people that actually appreciated me and my work. Even so I haven’t really stopped wanting to write. I often write essays and find myself stopping midway through thinking it doesn’t feel right.

I saw a doctor which told me I’ve got a medical condition which causes hormonal imbalance and since I’ve been on hormones I’ve been feeling just magical, probably like 90% of the time. I had been pretty depressed before and that was from excess testosterone in my system. It was partially the reason I had gained so much weight, and since I’ve been on the meds I’ve been doing a lot better. So I feel a ton better and I’ve only been on the meds for a few months. The weight’s coming off little by little and I’ve been biking a ton.