starting over

.

I once stood face to face with a 10 year old boy who I’d known since Kindergarten, who held out a pinky and asked me “are you in this?” A friendship. A promise that to some people is super juvenile. But to this day as a 27 year old woman, I hold very dearly as one of the most important and binding moments I’ve experienced. Even so young, I had trouble accepting myself. I was someone who spent a fair bit of time feeling invisible on the outside looking in, and then you came along and you made me feel worth having around. You saw me, and didn’t care that I was the odd one out. You were so social and quirky and loved by many different groups. You introduced me and said “ This is Sarah and she’s going to play with us, too.” We got into so much trouble with each other almost as a competition, to see who could end up in Ms.Moses’ office the most. One of my favorites might be you pooping next to the substitutes desk who made me cry by saying I had a big head. By you I was always included, and you then gave me the lifelong confidence to see myself as someone worth knowing. A lesson you never forget. You went off to different school districts, and our friendship became one for AIM instant messenger and emailing back and forth. Nightly phone calls that lasted until 3 a.m talking about everything under the sun. Going for drives in your truck, and having the last time I was physically with you having you say “ We made it to Senior year, Sar. Can you even fucking believe it? So many plans and were sooooo broke. So hear me out, I’ll purposely get hit by a Doritos truck, and with my lawsuit winnings we’ll finally make it out to California.” We laughed our asses off for the night coming up with the most ridiculous ways to become millionaires. Mostly involving one of us getting theoretically hurt.

Little did I know, a month later, I’d get a heartbreak no billions of dollars could fix.

I lost you a decade ago. You took your last breath a decade ago. At 10 years old I stood face to face with my best friend. We were a decade old. And now it’s been a decade since I have seen your smile, heard your voice, or been given one of your “ category 5” hugs that took the wind right out of me. I still need you. I still hurt for you. Wish for the opportunity to see who you would be today.

But I welcomed you into my heart, and you will stay there always. All the advice, fun, acceptance, love, and loyalty.

Anyone who meets me, meets parts of you. Because I pass on your kindness and your willingness to be there for anyone at the drop of a hat. With your eyes I see others on the outside and always include them.

I am better for knowing you. & because you existed, I learned what it was like to be chosen and wanted.

Because you were alive, I am too.

I don’t know how long my forever is, but I will keep your fire burning brightly for at least that length of time.

If you need someone, I will be that someone.

I’d say the most beneficial thing you can do during the time you have until she goes off to school, is have her help you integrate yourself into different activities that will get you out of your house and give you something to look forward to.

I’m not sure of your age, but getting involved into your own schools activities, or community driven activities is going to be a great way to find friends and feel a want to go a bit out of your comfort zone, not every day of course, but giving yourself things to be excited about will ease the transition of her being at uni and possibly occupied with things that wouldn’t allow her to be there for you as much as you’d need/ want her to be ❤️

First off, no ones natural vagina smells like candy. Neither does a penis. So don’t feel badly about that. People have this weird expectation of womens bodies and all its curves, marks, shape, smell and taste.

Whatever.

Also, his definition of not very good is his and his alone. Plus, everyone is awkward their first time.

Lastly - anyone who has sex and shares it’s intimate details with his friends but refuses to talk to his partner is way to immature to be having sex.

If something doesn’t feel right or you want to try something different you communicate, get consent and carry on.

Don’t let this make you feel bad, just say to him

“ I didn’t appreciate that you told others about our sex life, and tried to share information that would embarrass/ hurt me. I really don’t want to be with someone like that”

As a person who lost her best friend the same way, I empathize with this hard journey she’s having to face.

As her best friend, please just realize that she’s coping her very best. She lost someone who meant a great deal to her. If she talks about it, it’s trying to make sense of it all in a way that gives her some closure and peace. She may never fully find it.

A part of me, my vigor for life, my motivation, my real smile, was taken from me for a long time before I began to be able to be happy again.

She needs you. The consistency. The normalcy. I know it’s not your responsibility, but you’re the person she finds comfort in.

Don’t put her grief on a timeline.

Her strength and happiness still needs mending.

Make peace with your feelings, and divide the unreciprocated admiration and love into things and people who will appreciate it.

When I know that I’m shooting my affection into someone that is unavailable to me in one way or another, I redirect my aim. I process, and instead of accepting heartbreak and having it backfire on me and letting myself dwell on situations I can’t control,

I

Spend time with my grandma playing cards

I write a note to each of my best friends thanking them for their support in my life

I get creative and throw energy into work and projects that will have a positive effect on me.