This morning I attended a punch fit class, had heaps of fun and met a handful of really friendly ladies (who invited me to work out with them tomorrow)

Things we’ve been doing lately: Craft, so much craft. The girls are loving educational play at home, using number blocks to identify numbers in their different forms and letter blocks to spell words. We’ve also been using ‘rainbow pebble activity sets’ to experiment with patterns and sequencing.

It was Alice’s 6th birthday yesterday. She had a great day and got lots of nice things (new backpack, dolls house accessories, a watch, stationary/ craft things). We went to the aquarium and had FroYo and a cake after dinner. Low key but happy.

School is back, with both girls full time in school. Lucy is back at the same school and Alice is catching the bus (1 hour each way) to her new school, a learning development Center with smaller class sizes and an emphasis on slowed down learning to help those children who are behind at school and need some extra attention and help. She is doing so well on the bus and seems happy but it’s hard for me not being there to drop her off and see what she’s been doing.

I’m feeling pretty down and lonely at the moment. School drop offs are my nightmare, I feel like the other parents aren’t interested in talking to me because I’m not pretty/ skinny. I miss my family. I feel awkward and embarrassed when I’m trying not to cry in public. I feel irritated when my partner tells me I’m beautiful because I feel like he’s telling me something that’s not true..

Things are slowly getting better.

I’ve been going to the gym for the past two weeks, seeing a PT, and watching what I eat. I’m not weighing myself or focusing on how I look, and I feel great and full of energy (and sleeping so much better at night).

I actually said something nice to myself earlier when I caught sight of myself in the mirror, and then almost burst into tears because I’ve been so unkind to myself for so long now the positive change caught me by surprise.

The girls are happy and loving school, and excited for Christmas of course. The tree went up yesterday. I can’t believe it’s less than a month away.

It’s so hard to make changes when you hold yourself in such low esteem. When you unconsciously call yourself names ‘pathetic waste of space’ ‘stupid fat mess’.

And yet, I need to make changes! If I can’t even make myself happy, how can I expect to make my daughters, and my partner happy?

But I don’t know how to love or care for myself. And I think that needs to be the first step in my quest for change and self improvement.

And I hope no-one I know reads this.

I’m so tired. I feel like the girls have been constantly ill during winter, tag teaming. Coughing, vomiting, disturbed sleep for months.

I’ve also put on a lot of weight. To the point were things don’t fit anymore.

And I’m going to be straight here- I haven’t had the healthiest eating habits, and that is so hard to break, especially when you feel constantly exhausted and you just crave what’s easy/ carbs/ sugar.

But here’s the thing- I HATE myself right now. I look in the mirror and see this fat, ugly, tired, joyless person.. and I just die a little bit everytime.

First we were walking to school and Alice ran out in front of a car. I apologised profusely to the driver, who THANKFULLY was paying attention and slammed on the brakes. I gave Alice a severe telling off and cried all the way home.

Then I made a cup of tea and was about to start study for the day and I spilt the boiling tea all over myself.

Alice needs glasses, I’ve just had to get some myself and I’ve just paid for swimming lessons and a massive electric bill from having the heating on at nights so the kids are warm enough and less likely to get colds.. and my ex who doesn’t pay a penny towards the girls expenses, owes over $7000 in child support and says it’s all my fault because I chose this arrangement (girls living with me and seeing him every other weekend).

So long and short of it is I’ve been selling things to pay bills/ get her glasses.. and I sold a single bed and base that I bought for $100 months ago and never got around to using.. turns out they’d sold me a king single mattress and single bed base so now they’re pissed and want their money back.