Me Be A Pirate Wit' Too Many Ships ♠

the idea of being married is so weird like what if I’m having a sad moment late at night and I wanna cry in bed and then there’s just some guy there??

next week being christmas feels fake but okay

I was wearing my plague doctor mask in the house this morning, and little did my mother know I had a kazoo inside the beak. Now I put this together in like three seconds so I was flipping my head around trying to get the kazoo in my mouth properly, and I probably looked like I was going crazy. But when I got it and was making kazoo noises in a plague doctor mask you can bet your ass I found a new way to disappoint my parents

Your parents have felt disappointment but whilst imagining this scenario I've felt nothing but unfiltered joy.

It seems that every sock that gets lost in the wash gets reincarnated as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit on any container.