existing is exhausting

Know the feeling when you suddenly stop and think to yourself: “I think I am falling back into the pit again.”?

You are sitting on the bus, or in your car, or you are at school, at work or even at home and you suddenly realize that you are getting bad again.

But why?

You don’t really know. You wretch your brain for any trigger. But there is none. You’ve been getting along like usual.

So why?

Sometimes there is no “because”.

Sometimes you are just not happy. And there is nothing to blame.

But you are keeping it to yourself, except that you eventually tell your therapist about it, but that’s it. Because maybe, just maybe, it’s just the day or the weather and you will be fine in the morning.

But in most cases it isn’t that simple. You stay internally dead. And you can’t do anything about it.

You also don’t tell your loved ones, because you are scared they might think it’s their fault. For making you unhappy. But they are wrong.

It’s your fault for being unhappy.