Everything about High Functioning Depression

Had to go back to hospital today. I really didn’t want to cause I have been sleeping so well in my own bed at home. Returning really put my mood down a lot. Got no diagnosis yet but had a talk with a psychologist today. I slept almost the whole day. In the evening my mom came to visit me.

Woke up at 5 am cause I was so excited. I get to leave hospital for the night today. Means I get to sleep in my own bed tonight plus I am meeting my friend in a bar which I couldn’t wait for! I had ergotherapy today and made sth for my best friend - she loved it! I got a little drunk with my friends but everything was fine. I asked my friend to get me home cause I still was kinda anxious but everything turned out fine in the end. Even thought we tried to trigger Jessica which worked. He talked to her and told me that she was pretty weak and nearly collapsed. I can’t remember anything about that. Maybe will do an extra post about that. Maybe not. I don’t know.

Had my psychological test today. Results in Wednesday. Today was chill. Had a morning walk where I got sunburned. Grandma visited me today which was nice, but she came super late which got me really worried and anxious. Thought she forgot about me. But when she got here I was super glad.

Woke up at 5am cause my rommate was noisy. Went for a smoke and nearly collapsed there. Don‘t know why. Went back to sleep and was allowed to sleep in cause it’s sunday. Played ancard gane with another patient there which was fun. Read, drew a little but i didn’t like it. Took a nap then. My mom came to visit me which was nice. No other events.

Yes they know about her, but i don’t know yet if they do sth about her

My roommate was allowed to leave the hospital for a short amount of time which meant i was alone in the room all day which was extremely nice! I enjoyed the day with reading and sleeping. My mom visited me and we talked about an eventual apocalypse in the future, which wasn’t a fun talk to be honest. Was glad when she left and I could be on my own again.

Got an MRI scan in the morning for my head. I was sooo sleepy the whole day and actually slept a lot. My brother and my mother came to visit me which was nice. Today I watched „Hamilton“ the musical, which is so GOOD. I can totally recommend that (it’s on Disney+)! Ergo was fun and I also had psychotherapy today which was alright.

Slept really bad tonight. I‘ve been here for a week now and I think I‘m making a little bit of progress? Today was a really good, chill day. My medication got altered a little. Hope it works! Ripped my knee-tendrils todsy during the morning walk, now i can barely make a step. Gonna get a scan and maybe physiotherapy. Tomorrow I will have ergotherapy for the first time, can‘t wait to see how that will turn out. A friend and my mom visited me today which was nice but also a little echausting. Have a new roomate since today and she is hella annoying...

I am currently crying cause I am really feeling homesick, I told the nurse... He said „ok“ and left... I feel so alone. I can‘t do this any longer. I hope I‘ll die in my sleep tonight...

Today was a good day. Had breakfast and lunch which both were ok. The weather was nice too. My best friend, my brother and my grandma came to visit me today which was awesome! My best friend brought me a book (Good Omens!) which I enjoy reading a lot! I had two naps today which were great and I even went on the morning walk with the other patients.

Got sleeping medication last night cause I couldn’t sleep. Therefore I slept for a really loooong time. Gonna stay here for at least 2 weeks now. I was really depressed today and cried all the time. My brother and Grandma came to visit which was a little bit of a mood up lifter, I feel really good in the evening, almost like myself again.

I slept really bad, woke up all the time. Today wasn‘t good, I could feel Jessica nagging me all the time. Most of the day I sat outside with other patients and listened to music, talked and drew stuff. That was actually really nice. But it was also exhausting. Took a nap then. My mom came by again which was also nice. I AM SO BORED. Got transferred to another ward this evening...

Today was quite unspectular. Get a lot of medication to „calm“ me down so I am always tired and sleeping. Didn’t eat much today, wasn‘t hungry. My mom visited me which was nice. There‘s a part of me that isn‘t me. Well it is but it also isn‘t. Called her Jessica.

I did sleep ok. Woke up couple of times cause of the unknown surroundings. I ate breakfast and went back to sleep again. Got woken up by the doctor who was doing his rounds. We talked a little bit but there’s not really a plan here for me I think. Got 3 visitors today which was really nice. I am still bored out of my mind here. The only thing I do is going for a smoke. I am restless cause just sitting around and waiting isn’t doing ANYTHING for me. I think my head is gonna explode of all these destructive thoughts I am having. It feels like wasting time in here. I just wanna go home. It also feels like a whole different world in here, this is so surreal. But it gives me some freedom for my crazyness, cause i don’t have to hold myself together.

It feels weird being here. Some sort of surreal feeling, can‘t quite realise that I am in the hospital now. I am really worried that I might lose my job because of this. It scares me, this whole thing. I got tested a lot, they took a blood sample, my weight and I got an EKG. I also had to pee in a jar for a drugs test for some reason. The nurse who admitted me is very kind, she talked to me about my depression, anxiety and about my suicidal thoughts/attempts and my self harming which increased a lot lately. Otherwise they leave me alone in the room. I am kinda bored here, there‘s nothing to do, just waiting. In the evening I get something to sleep, hope it works. I am really doing shitty.

So the next day I went to the hospital and they admitted me immediately.