LazyPostin'

I keep thinking about how attached I was to the idea of what this connection was supposed to be. The future I assumed existed. The closeness I thought we were building toward. I didn’t just lose a person. And now I’m sitting with the the truth that none if it mattered, I was never going to be enough.

There’s something humiliating about realizing you cared more than the other person ever did. That they only cared about the version off you that they liked. About understanding that if you disappear quietly and without pushback, no one asks why. No one notices the absence the way you hoped they would. The way you hoped that one person would. It makes you question whether you were valued for who you are, or just for the role you filled at the time.

Because that's all it was. And I should have seen it. They always had a close friend or two that they would go to for validation and comfort. And that was me for a short time. Until I couldn't be who they wanted. And now that role is being filled by someone else. And I shouldn't even want it, why would I want to just be a tool for validation to someone who will never love me for who I am, or try to understand what I'm going through?