i dont wanna die but i do a lil ya feel

“That is pretty neat,” I thought. “as someone who likes both Rick and Morty and tie dye, I am vaguely interested in buying that.”

But then my senses came to me. As I stood at the window, H&M purchases in one hand and my phone in the other I suffered an Scrubs-like internal monologue.

“What are you doing Max, you can’t wear that to school. It would ruin your reputation as a pretentious boarding school educated Andy Warhol enthusiast. You would be roasted to a crisp. The lads would laugh you into extinction. Even the guys who like Rick and Morty. And if your Tumblr audience saw you wearing that you would be burned to a crisp.”

“But you love that show. That shirt would look great with your overalls. You like Rick and Morty. You wasted several days of your life binge-watching it. When have you ever cared what people thought? Your apathy is your defining feature. Besides, it isn’t as though you create Rick and Morty Musicallys and write incest fanfiction. It’s a shirt. A shirt you like. Buy it, you have money.”

I took two confident steps towards the entrance before I stopped.

“What if while you’re wearing it someone walks up to you and simply says “I’m Pickle Rick!” What will you do? You will punch them. You will be arrested for assault and spend two years in prison. Your life will be ruined. The conviction will mean you cannot get a job. You will have nothing but the shirt on your back. A Rick and Morty shirt.”

like it makes me uncomfortable when other lgbt people use that word to refer to me, but that’s nothing compared to hearing it from well-meaning cishets who have been exposed to this idea that it’s like fully reclaimed and more correct and inclusive now, actually, because for me that experience is just being called a slur by my oppressor lol

push yourself to fall asleep earlier - start with 11pm, then 10pm, then 9pm. wake up in the morning feeling re-energized and comfortable.

get into the habit of cooking yourself a beautiful breakfast. fry tomatoes and mushrooms in real butter and garlic, fry an egg, slice up a fresh avocado and squirt way too much lemon on it. sit and eat it and do nothing else.

stretch. start by reaching for the sky as hard as you can, then trying to touch your toes. roll your head. stretch your fingers. stretch everything.

buy a 1L water bottle. start with pushing yourself to drink the whole thing in a day, then try drinking it twice.

buy a beautiful diary and a beautiful black pen. write down everything you do, including dinner dates, appointments, assignments, coffees, what you need to do that day. no detail is too small.

strip your bed of your sheets and empty your underwear draw into the washing machine. put a massive scoop of scented fabric softener in there and wash. make your bed in full.

organise your room. fold all your clothes (and bag what you don’t want), clean your mirror, your laptop, vacuum the floor. light a beautiful candle.

have a luxurious shower with your favourite music playing. wash your hair, scrub your body, brush your teeth. lather your whole body in moisturiser, get familiar with the part between your toes, your inner thighs, the back of your neck.

push yourself to go for a walk. take your headphones, go to the beach and walk. smile at strangers walking the other way and be surprised how many smile back. bring your dog and observe the dog’s behaviour. realise you can learn from your dog.

message old friends with personal jokes. reminisce. suggest a catch up soon, even if you don’t follow through. push yourself to follow through.

think long and hard about what interests you. crime? sex? boarding school? long-forgotten romance etiquette? find a book about it and read it. there is a book about literally everything.

become the person you would ideally fall in love with. let cars merge into your lane when driving. pay double for parking tickets and leave a second one in the machine. stick your tongue out at babies. compliment people on their cute clothes. challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for a whole day. then two. then a week. walk with a straight posture. look people in the eye. ask people about their story. talk to acquaintances so they become friends.

Don’t let these girls give you the same recycled tropical-lyte beat with an after-chorus breakdown, mediocre vocals with not even a 1-2 step. You grew up with Mariah, Britney, and Beyonce. Act like it.