Oh dear.

i have small hands

bring them closer to u, they r just far a way

wow you were right…

Ok this ones actually funny

Accidentally typed “indistinct buttering” instead of muttering and that is somehow super creepy. Like, you can just barely hear…in the other room…the scrape of a knife against toast.

That’s just how it is in England.

like imagine if you’d never seen a dog and you saw a saint bernard and you were like, what’s that and then someone was like, thats a dog. and then you saw a chihuahua and you were like ok whats that and they were like, that’s a dog. wouldn’t you feel lied to? wouldn’t you sense that something was amiss

You doin okay OP?

that’s the human experience right there

FUCK YOU FUCKING FUCK YOU FUVK WHY FUVK THIS WHY

N-

This is my brother.

sorry for sitting on him

Ominous positivity

You will be okay. You have no choice.

Everything will turn out fine. You cannot stop it.

You will succeed. It is inevitable.

You run a tattoo parlor. Every couple of weeks, the same customer comes in, always requesting the same tattoo: an additional tally mark on an ever-growing cluster of tally marks.

did deadpool write this.

I have a headcanon that Hermione insists her children attend some primary muggle schooling before Hogwarts, just as she had done. Now, imagine Arthur Weasley attending his grandchild’s science fair, being the ultra proud grandfather….and yet also completely geeking out over absolutely EVERYTHING.

Canon

“That is a volcano, that is a VERY SMALL VOLCANO, how - young lady, how did you make this? Baking soda and food coloring? MARVELOUS!”

the kids would love him.

Never have I ever loved anything more than I love this

All the muggle teachers would think he was being so adorable, “pretending” not to know how potato batteries and mini-volcanoes work, fawning over the hard work the kids did on even the simplest the projects. And he comes every year, because after the kids have aged out (”gone on to some boarding school in Scotland,” the teachers say over bad coffee in the break room, “they didn’t seem the type”), he gets an honorary invitation to the fair every year, because he never stops making the kids feel smart and good. 

“And this airy-o-plane, it flies by means of a… rubber band? Did I hear that correctly? No magic at all? Doesn’t flap its wings like a bird? MARVELOUS! What an ingenious method of flight!” *looks around* “You, sir! With the ribbons! This child deserves one of those prizes!”

Ppl without ADHD be like “oh if I get rid of all possible distractions then you’ll be forced to focus on the boring task!” Fool… You underestimate my Power 

#if you can’t use storebought distractions homemade is fine

“There is nothing on the desk besides my homework. Oh. Well would you look at that. I have hands.”

My favorite ever pronoun story has to be one of my German professor’s. He fondly remembers being mugged by a gang of teenagers in Dresden, who used Sie (formal you) the entire time.  

HAND OVER THE WALLET MY GOOD SIR