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it's been unbearable hasn't it…? that restless desperate feeling sitting right between your thighs all day. every time you shift in your seat. every time you press your legs together trying to get any relief at all and getting none.

go ahead. put your hand there for me.

i know…i know it's not enough on its own. but start there. press down slow. feel how warm you are. feel how long you've been needing this.

keep rubbing for me. nice and slow at first. just feel it.

there you go.

i know it feels like a lot right now. like everything has been building up and your body doesn't know what to do with all of it. that's okay. just keep going. let it build a little more. you need to feel it get worse before it gets better and i need you to trust me on that.

keep rubbing baby. don't stop.

feel how much better that already is? feel how your body is finally getting something it's been asking for all day? that's it. that's exactly it. just keep going. keep your hand right there and don't stop no matter how close you get.

you've been so patient today. so good. and now you get to feel good. really good. the kind of good that makes you forget what you were even worried about.

just keep rubbing for me.

i've got you.

that's it. keep going for me. don't slow down.

i know it's building fast. i know it feels like too much and not enough at the same time. that's exactly where i want you.

keep rubbing. right there. don't move from that spot.

feel that? feel how close you already are? your body has been waiting for this all day. it's not going to take long and that's okay. that's perfect actually. i love how fast you get there when you've been waiting this long.

keep going baby. you're doing so well.

i know your hips want to move. let them. let your body do what it needs to do.

there you go. that sound you just made. do that again. let me hear you.

you're so close, aren't you? i can tell. the way your breathing just changed.

don't stop. whatever you do don't stop right now. keep your hand exactly where it is and keep going.

i know. i know it's a lot. i know everything feels like it's right there on the edge. that's because it is. you're right there baby. you're so close.

keep going.

"please—" i know.

"i need to—" i know sweetheart.

"please can i—" yes. yes baby. go ahead. let go for me. you've earned it. you've been so good and so patient and you deserve to feel this.

let go.

feeling you fall apart. the way your whole body finally releases everything it's been holding all day. hips moving through it. hand not stopping. riding every single wave of it until there's nothing left.

staying here with you through all of it.

after…when your breathing starts to slow. when the desperation finally settles into something softer.

the kind that happens when it's too good and too much and their body runs out of ways to hold it all in. when pleasure gets so overwhelming that tears become the only outlet left. that kind. only ever that kind.

i like watching it build before it happens. the way their breathing changes first. the way their face gets this look… overwhelmed and trying so hard not to show it, blinking fast, jaw tight, doing everything they can to stay composed while their body is already making decisions for them. i watch all of it. i don't miss a single thing.

the first tear is everything. that moment when it finally spills over despite everything they did to stop it. just one, tracking slow down their cheek while they look at me like they're not sure what just happened. like their body betrayed them. like they didn't realize how close they were to the edge until they were already over it.

i tilt my head. looking. taking it in.

they expect me to reach over immediately. to wipe it away before it gets far. to rush them through it and back to somewhere less exposed. and i understand why they expect that. most people can't sit with someone else's vulnerability for very long. it makes them uncomfortable. they want to fix it, contain it, move past it as quickly as possible.

i'm not most people.

i let it run. i watch it track down their face and i don't look away. i don't reach for it and i don't say anything yet. i just look at them. at the openness of their face right now. at everything they can't hide in this moment. at how completely unguarded they are… no walls, no composure, no carefully managed version of themselves. just what happens when someone feels too much to contain it.

it's the most beautiful thing. every single time without exception it is the most beautiful thing i have ever seen.

and i let them sit in it for a moment. in the vulnerability of being seen this completely. in the slight embarrassment of not being able to hold it back. in the slow realization that i'm not looking away. that i'm not uncomfortable. that i'm not going to rush them through this or make them feel strange about it. that i actually want to see it. that i'm watching because i want to. because this matters to me.

then i reach up. slow. thumb finding their cheek. catching the tear so gently it's almost reverent. wiping it away careful and deliberate like it's something worth handling that way. because it is.

taking my time with the next one too. and the one after that. tending to them slowly. pressing my lips to their cheek where the tears have been. feeling them try to pull themselves together and not letting them do it too fast. keeping them here a little longer. in this soft, open place where they're so completely mine it makes my chest ache.

letting them know i see them and i'm not going anywhere and this is safe. feeling them slowly stop fighting it. stop trying to compose themselves. just letting me wipe the tears away as they come and staying soft and open for me.

the tears are never the end goal exactly. they're just evidence. proof that i took them somewhere they couldn't have gone alone. somewhere past the part of themselves that manages and performs and holds everything carefully together.

"I think you'd look so pretty struggling"

"The cutest little mess in my hands"

"I was fully focused on you"

"You're so perfect"

"Shit you're cute"

"Yes honey"

"Good girl"

not tired quiet. the other kind. the kind i've learned. the slight dimming behind your eyes, the way you hold yourself a little more carefully when something is sitting heavy and you haven't decided yet if you're allowed to hand it to someone else.

you sit near me. close but not quite close enough. like you want to be held but haven't given yourself permission yet.

i don't push. just make room. let you feel me there.

you start somewhere small. something safe. circling what you actually want to say without landing on it yet. i listen and respond and don't rush you toward anything. you'll get there. you always get there.

you go quiet. look down at your hands.

"my brain is being really mean to me today."

so small. like you almost swallowed it before it came out.

something in my chest softens completely at that. at the way you said it. at how much it cost you just to say that much.

"yeah?" moving closer. keeping everything in my voice open and easy. "tell me."

"i don't want it to be—" stopping. trying again. "it's a lot. i don't want to make it a whole thing."

you apologize for needing something before you've even asked for it.

reaching over. hand finding your knee. "come here, baby..."

you hesitate. that small uncertain pause that gets me every time.

patting my lap. waiting. not pushing. leaving it open for you.

you move over slowly. settle onto my lap like you're not sure how much space you're allowed to take. like you're still deciding if this is okay.

wrapping both arms around you the second you're close enough. pulling you all the way in. feeling you hold yourself carefully for just a moment before something in you lets go and you lean back into me properly.

starting to rub your back right away. slow and steady. the same rhythm over and over.

holding you. letting you feel me.

feeling your breathing start to slow. feeling you settle into me.

"you don't have to look at me." said softly into your hair. "you can just talk whenever you’re ready. i'm right here."

the pause that stretches. long enough that i think maybe you'll pull back from it entirely tonight.

then you start.

careful at first. edited. you're watching for something. some flicker in me that means you've gone too far, that it's landing wrong, that you were right to be scared. i keep my arms around you. keep rubbing your back. keep my breathing slow and even against you.

i don't move away. don't tense. don't change a single thing.

you go further.

you tell me your brain tells you you're broken. that there's something wrong with you. not something you can point to exactly, just something you can feel, running underneath everything like a current. something that makes you too much and not enough at the same time, always. that you're the problem in every hard thing that's happened to you and your brain won't let you forget it. that the thoughts come in uninvited and mean, replaying moments on a loop with the cruelest possible narration over all of it. things you said. things you did. things that happened to you that your brain somehow turns into evidence against you. that you're exhausting to love. that people figure it out eventually. that it's just a matter of time before i do too.

you say it carefully. like you're handing me something you're terrified to let go of but more terrified to keep carrying alone.

i hold you through every word.

when you go quiet i stay quiet too for a moment. rubbing your back. breathing with you.

"thank you for telling me." into your hair. meaning it more than you know.

"i was scared to."

"i know." pressing a kiss to the top of your head. "i could feel you deciding."

"it's too much."

"it's not." said gently but clearly. "it really isn't. i promise."

your hands find my arms. holding on.

"your brain is being so unkind to you right now." said soft. rubbing your back still. "i know it feels like truth. i know it feels like everyone else has just been too polite to say what your brain is saying." pressing another kiss to your hair. "but it's lying to you. it's been lying to you for a long time and i need you to hear that from someone who is actually here. actually looking at you."

"what do you see." barely a whisper.

not rushing it. wanting to get this right. wanting you to feel every word of it.

"i see someone who feels everything so deeply it overwhelms them sometimes. and i think you've spent so long being told that's a flaw that you started believing it." rubbing slow circles on your back. "but it's not a flaw. it's just… more. more feeling. more love. more capacity than most people know what to do with. and when you don't know what to do with it your brain turns it inward and calls it damage. it's not damage. it's just you. and you are so much more than what your brain says about you when it's being cruel."

feeling you go still. listening so carefully.

"i see someone who apologized for sitting on my lap before they even sat down. who made themselves small before they even took up space. who was so scared that telling me one true thing about themselves tonight was going to make me leave." pressing my mouth to your temple. staying there. "and i'm still here. i was always going to still be here."

a small sound from you.

"i see someone whose brain has been so unkind for so long that they fact-check every good thing anyone says and takes every cruel thing at face value. like the cruelty is more credible. like it must be more accurate because it hurts more." pulling you closer. tighter. "that's not the truth about who you are. that's just what happens when someone has been hard on themselves for too long without anyone holding them through it."

"you're not broken." said plainly. close to your ear. just for you. "you are not broken. you are not the problem. and you are not too much for me. not even a little."

you don't say anything for a while.

"the thoughts are going to tell you i'm wrong about you." still rubbing your back. voice staying soft and steady. "they're going to pick apart everything i just said and find reasons not to believe it. i know that's what they do. and when they do that i need you to come back here instead of trying to fight them alone. okay? don't fight them alone. just come back here."

"what if it takes a long time."

"then it takes a long time." pressing a kiss to your hair. and then another one. and one more after that because i can't help it. "i'm not keeping track. i don't have anywhere else i'd rather be than right here with you."

the exhale that moves through your whole body at that. long and slow. something releasing that you've been holding onto for a while.

your grip on my arms tightening.

keeping you right there. arms wrapped all the way around you. hand moving slow and steady on your back. mouth finding your hair again and staying there.

not rushing you. not making you perform being okay before you actually are.

just holding you.

thinking about how much i adore you. how much i wish you could see yourself the way i see you… not through the cruel running commentary your brain provides, but clearly. the way you are when you're laughing. the way you love people. the way you showed up tonight and told me the truth even though every part of you was scared to. how brave that was. how much trust it took to hand me something you've been carrying alone.

thinking you deserve someone who stays.

staying.

unconditionally staying.