Sometimes I wish depression was something could be easily defined. You will feel a certain way, you will act a certain way, and it will last a certain amount of time.  It would be so much easier if it was as easy as those drug commercials make it look. Here, take this pill and you’ll be fine.

Have you ever noticed that those commercials always feature women?

I don’t feel anything..I don’t feel sad, I don’t feel depressed...I feel nothing. Most of my time is spent in an apathetic state. I don’t care. I don’t care about work, or eating, or taking a shower. I go to work because it makes my bed all that more enjoyable.

I can’t concentrate on anything, I have no focus. I get to work and I see all these things that can be done, but I can’t get anything done because I can’t stop and sort it out in my head.  I’m just there. The more physical the work is, the better. Then I don’t have to think about it.

My head is so messed up...when I feel anything I feel lost.  I feel like my brain is full of fun house mirrors that are distorting everything. I can’t see clearly. It’s all a scary mess. I am constantly afraid of my own reflection. I don’t even see what is obvious to everyone else. 

I’m trapped in this fucking maze inside my head and I can’t find the way out.  I don’t even think there is a way out anymore.

I feel like no one is listening, nobody wants to listen. I don’t blame them. I’m tired of listening to myself.

Nobody wants to be around me, and I get it. I don’t want to be around me either.

I just stay in my bed all day. It’s a lot easier to be asleep than it is to be around anyone.

When people talk to me I feel like I have to be on the defensive. I can’t trust their motives and most of the time they just make me feel like I’m being attacked.

I haven’t felt safe in months.

And, when you go to get help in this stupid county..You have to leave a fucking message. I’m pretty positive that the number is going to be a dead end. When I did more research it doesn’t look like they can help me. I’m not mentally handicapped, I’m not incapable of getting through life. So I’m pretty sure I’m just stuck where I am.

I can’t afford a therapist, and a hotline isn’t going to help this problem go away.

It wouldn’t be such an issue to me, but everyone keeps telling me I’m not okay. I’m just whatever..I’m here. I’m in my head and I’m lost there. But there’s nothing going on. I’m not actively feeling anything. I cry, I sleep, and that’s it. I’m not crying because I’m sad, I’m crying because that’s what my body wants to do.

Sometimes I don't think I can do this anymore.

I don't know what "this" is all the time, but whatever it is..I don't want to do it anymore.

I don't want to be in love with someone who can't tell me whether or not they are in love with me. When you say those three words, you had better be pretty damn sure you know what you mean.

You sat there and told me that we are just two different people. I would/and do, go out of my way to see you. I plan and wait and beg and plead for any amount of time I can have. I would move mountains, drive hours, anything it took. You won't drive a half hour. You tell me you won't do that for anyone, you would rather sit at home and be with your parents. I am expected to believe that it's nothing personal.

You finally tell me after a year that you actually hate something I do, and I take that into thought and I agree to work on it. I have asked for months for the same things, and you won't consider them.

You say I shove myself down your throat...then cough me up and spit me out.  Don't give me excuses anymore. Don't keep piling on the guilt.

You have the gall to sit there and lecture me and lead me so off point and make me feel like I am 2inches tall and I am supposed to be inspired by this? To feel good about myself?

You ask me to explain, but you won't shut up long enough to listen to the only way I can explain why I can't do things that you think are so simple. You "don't understand" and you won't shut up long enough to try and let me help you to understand.

You think you know things, but you don't know everything. You don't know how broken I really am.  I want to trust you with that, to trust you with everything. How can I when you don't trust me?

You always tell me there isn't anything to tell, nothing happens, I'm always the first to know the big stuff...fantastic...but I don't know what goes on in your head when you are talking to me, how you feel about what is going on in the world around you, what new things you are experiencing.  Maybe I just want too much, maybe I really am obsessive and crazy.

"Don't you want a husband one day?" you asked me like it was obvious I should.  The only husband I could picture in my life right now is you. But you don't want me, and you won't come out and say it.

Why should my current crappy job situation dictate my ability to have a husband? To have a future? It's not ideal, but it is so much better than being unemployed.

You don't want a relationship with titles, even though for me it would change nothing of my expectations of you...but you won't tell me why it would change things for you. 

Whatever "this" is, it is starting to have no future in my life. 

I'm tired of being a dog who sits and waits for you. Who trips over my tail because you are giving us attention. I'm tired of being told you can't give more when the reality is you don't want to give more. 

I am so tired of playing a losing game. 

How am I supposed to pretend that everything is okay, when I feel like my foundation has been blasted away?

Why would you expect that of me?

I was having a bad day and you told me I should probably just kill myself. You were one of my closest and dearest friends, and I just wanted a little support. The same support and compassion I show for you every time you need it, and even when you don't think you do.

With those words you shattered my trust and my faith in you. Of course I'm going to forgive you, but I'm not going to forget. I'm not going to pretend you didn't let me down and set off a huge bomb in my heart. 

I let you in. Shame on me. I gave you the map and the key to my heart and you planted a bomb and set it off.

I know you never meant to hurt me, but you did. The damage is done. I can't just move on like it didn't happen. I've been trying to pretend that I'm not scared of you, that you didn't actually mean those words deep down.

It's been less than a month since you destroyed my trust. I'm working to build myself back up, but it seems like every day I'm experiencing after shocks from the things you say. Your apparent lack of compassion.

I feel like a top secret building that has been destroyed and now their are snipers and guards patrolling the area and you keep finding them and setting me into alert again. So I become overbearing. Difficult.

I'm not asking you to take responsibility for what you've done, but to realize that you have done it. That I feel this way because you took my trust away. I'm not trying to lean on you, far from it. I'm trying to separate my feelings of hurt and anger and shock. I'm trying to move on and play nice.

But how do you continue to function normally with someone who doesn't even understand the magnitude of what they did. Who can't understand that when you have a limited network of support, and part of that network is damaged, its impossible to just move on.

And now, I'm not supposed to tell you how you make me feel, I'm not allowed to be 100% honest with you, because it makes you feel bad?

That's such bullshit. YOU BROKE MY TRUST. You hurt me so deep.

And I'm the one always apologizing because I'm trying to get you to see that you messed me up.

You always tell me that if you wanted to leave you would have by now, that you're not like the other guys. But you haven't been acting any different than them.

You are selfish, you push me to the edge of reason and than laugh at me when I try to make sense of it. I don't provide instant gratification so I am not a priority.

I have never once doubt that you love me, that you care about me. But the more you push me away and tell me I can't see you, I can't ask too, I can't tell you how I feel, ...how is that supposed to make me feel loved? Cared for?

I'm not trying to be your girlfriend, I'm not trying to harness you into anything. I AM trying to get you to use your head and your heart. To EMPATHIZE. It won't kill you to try and walk a mile in my shoes.  On the other hand, maybe it would.

I am always doing my best to be understanding of the stress you are under, the constant demands that other people place on you. I am ALWAYS there to pick you up, any way I can. Even if it just means I have to listen.

I don't know what else to tell you. I have told you so many times that the key to anything with me is to communicate openly and honestly. But you don't do that. You tell me I'm ridiculous because I just assume things, that I have everything planned out and I don't just let "us" happen.

But whatever "us" is right now, it needs work. And I can't be the only one who wants to work on it.

We can't go back to where we were years ago. It's not an option, we are both too emotionally invested (or I think we both are, I know I am). But you have to understand that what you took from me, it isn't easily fixed. It's not going to happen over night. I am going to take things personally and get upset. I am working so hard on rebuilding myself without you.

You want to make this easier, you want me to relax, than work with me. Recognize how you have made me feel, don't write it off as me being crazy.

Try and understand that I am beyond reasonably in love with you. That your opinion matters to me, that you are ridiculously important to me. Keep it in mind when you decide you don't want to talk, and I have told you that if that is the case TO TELL ME. Open your mouth, or move your fingers, and put it out there. Be honest with me. I know that's not your style, but not even for me, but your future relationships will need you to be able to communicate clearly. I get its uncomfortable, but it's necessary. I can't read your mind.

I can't even tell if you are hearing what I am saying because you don't tell me what you hear.

It's not an attack on you at all. I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I'm trying to get you to understand why I have been so overbearing and desperate to find a way back to calm waters. I can't do it alone. I need you to help me because this shit was caused by your lack of compassion, and continued lack of compassion.

Just try to understand. I'm not asking to lean on you. I'm not asking you for anything more than understanding. I don't need you to come here and hold my hand. I WANT you too. But I will heal without that.

I want you in my life. I want you to want me in yours. But right now, you're pushing and poking on the wound you caused that is causing me to be so awful to deal with. Instead of pushing me right now, you should be trying to rebuild the trust.

But you don't hear me, you don't hear what I'm saying. You only see it as an attack on you. And it's not, it's a plea for you to understand and to fix what you broke.

If I can't talk to you honestly and openly without compassion, than we're just going to keep going in circles.

I'm willing to work on the things you don't like about me, I'm willing to do anything to keep you in my life, but if you're not willing to do what I have asked and work on your communication and compassion...we'll be stuck in this hell.

And that's why its so easy and not so easy. 

I can't relax until you recognize where I am and what I need from you.

Once that's done, I'll relax again (as much as I ever have), and I'll stop making you crazy and demanding your attention and whatever it is I keep doing to piss you off.

I am IN love with you. I can't turn that off and walk away.

And though I know you love me, i don't know that you are IN love with me. But either way, you have to be willing to work this out and have patience and understanding.

For those who have suffered, are suffering, or simply want to learn more.

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