vent blog

it hurts so bad ...... i miss you. ..... im sorry....

but i cant continue to play with your emotions like this,,, i cant... you deserve the peace of mind that you have earned and having me in your life isnt good.. i hope you can forgive me one day.. i love you evan.. i never wanted this to happen...

i already made my decision but of course im regretting it already...... i just wish i could hold you close and tell you from the bottom of my heart that im sorry that this is happeneing to you and i wanna listen to your heartbeat and i wanna feel your warmth... why do i do this to myself....

as soon as you said “bye” i felt empty

im back here cuz rough things are happening and i wanna rant here so uh yeah just a heads up that i dont actually wanna talk to anyone about it this is just my own person archive of rants

i am going insane

to answer you, no. i am not okay but some things just shouldnt be shared with your freinds. i want to share them so bad with you but i feel like a bother and a pain in the ass. one of you complain that its my fault that my problems are a stress in your life and i am told that none of you like me anymore because i alwaya talk to him but why would i want to talk to you when you never answer my texts and make up excuses we never hangout and at this point he has become my only friend and person that i run to when i feel unsafe and panicked. when he leaves i will have nobody at all. really you all say l be here to talk to. i care about you but in reality nothing is like that. he is the only foundation in my life and as soon as he leaves my entire fucking life is going to crumble. i wanted to have a healthy balance with my friends and my love but this stupid fucking god ripped all everything i had away from me. why? dunno.

it hurts

i know we dknt have much time left together. the thiughts never stop my mind is a thunderstorm of thoughts. the thoughts mever end and i wish they woulf kust be quiet right nkw

i hsed to be so excited to wake up and just get the day going and now i just find myself wishijg my eyes hadnt opened

they tell me to go to sleep and that it will be all better in the morning but how can i go to sleep when you were the realest thing in my life and all you are now is a figment of my imagination; nothing but just an old thought. they said old thoughts dont have to stay sour but how can i choose that when I am giving myself this stupid break. i choose to pull myself away bexause the way you need to help yourself be with me plays with my emotions and i dont want that anymore

the thoughts in my head are so loud

you say we are stagnant but what else do you expect to be when we’re basically long distance and you limit the time we can talk to eachtoher.

at this point, i am such a shell of myself that i just bottle it all inside in hopes that maybe all of thses thoughts in my head will just fill me up. i feel so alone no matter how many people tell me that i can rant to them whenever i just feel like the biggest bother and you are the only person that i can talk to without feleing like i am bothering you .  i am afraid of whats going to happen ot me if you go. 

Evan: I don’t know, it just worried me that you are hanging out with Andrew. I don’t like him very much.  Evan: Goes to their house when Fay is there and doesn’t tell me :)