For years, I gave myself orgasms whenever I wanted. For years, if I asked to masturbate, he was guaranteed to say yes. The important thing was asking permission, not having my orgasms restricted.

That’s not how we do things anymore.

In recent months, we’ve gradually shifted to stricter orgasm control. He’s more likely to say no than to say yes. Orgasms are earned. If I’ve just finished menstruating and am feeling extra horny as a result, it’s unlikely that I’ll be allowed to cum for at least another 3-5 days. 10 days is the absolute max that I can be denied before it stops being fun for either of us, but 5-8 days is typically the range in which he likes to make me suffer.

We’ve discovered that I react to a period of denial in interesting ways.

Unsurprisingly, it makes me needier. I’m always aching and frequently wet. I have conditioned my body for instant relief, so even a day of denial leaves me bucking against the hand he slips between my thighs, desperate for sensation.

But the sexual frustration also makes me soft. Receptive. Floaty. I sink deeper into a submissive headspace. Everything is yes, sir and no, sir. I feel ready and willing for him to use me or hurt me. I told him the other night that it feels like I’m not thinking with my brain anymore, but with my pussy. I called it my ‘yes daddy, whatever you want, daddy’ headspace. 

I’ve realized this:

In a period of denial, my most intense need is not to cum, but to serve.

Today marks my ninth day without an orgasm. He says I can cum tonight, after I’ve cooked him dinner and he’s beaten me and fucked me. In the meantime, he’s been pinching my nipples, spanking me and choking me when he pleases. He’s been slapping my throbbing pussy and then sticking his fingers inside of me. And I’ve just taken it, happily. Eagerly.

I didn’t think I’d be able to bear losing my orgasms, not even briefly. I wasn’t sure that I could surrender that freedom. After actually experiencing the denial, though, I’ve realized that while the orgasms fulfill a physical need, I don’t actually crave them in the same way that I crave his control. The desire for his dominance has become stronger than my desire to cum, and the longer that I am denied, the more submissive I feel.

It's a machine full of power. It manages its own energy. Give a car's engine fuel and oxygen and electricity and it will work. Give a heart fuel, oxygen and electrolytes, and it will work. The heart starts and never stops as long as the conditions are acceptable.

But... what's about service? If you put low quality fuel in your motor, over revv your car all the time, apply extreme torque loads to your engine, it will wear down. the mechanical parts will wear down.

the same happens to your heart. If you are stressed all the time, have high blood pressure all the time, have infections that affect your hearts's valves, your engine will wear out very quickly.

I once met a LOLinNAD older then 90 years. She came for eye surgery. She still rode a bike every day with her friend to eat in a different cafe each day. The two of them made 2*30..50km (manual, non-electric) bike trips every day. She had no medical precondition and did not need any medication. You need luck in life and genes to be that gifted, but you can throw any amount of luck by leading a taxing life. I've met some guys at 50 at the biological end of their lifes. Checking the old ladys heart, however, it still has the same sounds and ECG as a 25years old.

Your heart does not need an electric super redemption sleeve.

Your heart needs you to care for your body and your life.

I’m writing this post to those men out there who have women in their lives who have indicated they are submissive and want you to be their Dominant.  (Written in M’s and my genders/pronouns. 100% support all the beautiful combinations of the D/s world.) What does that mean?  What does she want?  Not every man is a Dom, so how do I know if I am?

Some people will say if you have to ask, the answer is no.  To be a true Dom, it has to be part of your essence.  You can’t fake this or just do it to please her—that is not being Dominant, that is being a service top.  But that doesn’t mean asking the question means you are automatically not a Dominant.  We men have lived our lives indoctrinated in what makes a good man, at least when it comes to women.  Treat them well, be nurturing, they are equals and never, ever hit a woman.  A guy who tells a woman what to do all the time is domineering and obnoxious.  We have images of ourselves as nice guys as society defines it and it is not easy to reconcile the D/s life with what we have been taught from birth.  

But one day your girlfriend/wife indicates she wants something more.  It can be, like it was for me, a comment about how much she liked me holding her hands above her head while I pinned her legs and touched her until she fought to get away but couldn’t move, which led to a conversation about spanking.  If your wife is really brave and knows herself really well she may even write you a letter saying she wants you to spank her and that it’s OK to do so.  

But however much she expresses to you what she wants and likes, there is so much more that she just can’t say.  It’s not about the spanking, it’s about the lifestyle.  About the dynamic.  She wants you to fundamentally change how the two of you interact.  But she can’t say that.  Because as a submissive, the whole point is not to be controlling the situation, not to be dictating what is going to happen.  It HAS to come from you.  And you have to mean it.  

So, in no particular order, this is what she is asking and telling you:

She is feeling anxious, stressed, adrift and empty.  She needs you.  Deep inside her is a hole only you can fill.  She needs you to step up and be the anchor that keeps her grounded and keeps her from being lost at sea.  This isn’t a game, sex play, fun, (although it will include those things).  It isn’t part time or a whim.  She is asking you to be the foundation of her being.  It’s a big ask and a big commitment.  And the rewards for both of you are equal to the responsibilities.

It’s not about the spanking or anything else you do in the bedroom.  You will cause her pain.  Sometimes a lot of pain.  It will excite her.  A lot.  It will excite you too.  At first you will be unsure about that.  What does that mean about you to be physically excited by causing someone you love such pain?  But you learn that it’s not about the pain, it’s about the dynamic.  What she needs is to feel your strength.  Only by knowing how strong you are can she feel safe in your arms,.  Can she know you will protect her.  She needs to feel that strength and domination and you are giving her a gift every time you demonstrate it.

She wants you to control her in some way.  How much depends on the woman, but she wants you to take over the decisions about parts of her life.  She wants to not have to worry about things, to be able to stop thinking, to calm the buzzing in her brain.  Don’t keep asking her what she wants, decide.  You know her well enough to know what she likes and wants.  Also, it can’t always be about what she likes and wants—you are Dom, it has to be about what you like and want too.  Especially physically, she wants to feel you take what you want from her.  

Set Rules and enforce them.  What they are and how many is up to the two of you, but there needs to be rules and you need to be absolute in your enforcement of them.  I don’t care how tired you are, how much fun you’re having, or that she had a bad day and deserves the day off, no.  Unless you approve a change because of a serious issue that requires the change, if a rule is not followed a consequence must happen.  A punishment spanking, orgasm denial, whatever.  It must happen quickly and be strong enough to match the transgression even if she begs, pleads, cries for you to stop or go easy.  She has to not want to make the mistake again.  This is essential.  Even a little bit of weakness in enforcing the rules will destroy her sense of security, well-being, and submission.  

Aftercare is an absolute requirement.  After you have punished, or even just had a rough session of you taking her to difficult places, pushing her boundaries, enforcing the dynamic, you must spend time holding her, caressing her, telling her how much you love her.  These sessions break her down to her essence and she feels exposed, empty.  You need to feed her your strength and show her you accept all those parts of her that scare her.  Once you do, you will help her rebuild and she will be stronger after.  This can take time.  Spend the time and focus on it.

Controlling her does not mean you will lose that witty repartee and funny, sassy woman you fell in love with.  She will be her usual strong self in all of her life except in the particular areas you have set boundaries.  When I wrote my acceptance letter to my submissive I likened it to a painting we were creating.  I was setting clear and defined outlines for us, so that she was free to be as creative as she wanted to within those lines.  By feeling secure in the knowledge of where the edges were, she felt even more free within them.

She will test you.  She needs to know those boundaries are secure.  Otherwise she will feel insecure.  So she will occasionally push and test to see if you are still watching the walls.  Be strong and show her you are and she will be the happier for it.

Being a Dom does not mean you are not being nurturing.  On the contrary, she has given her mind, heart, and body to you so you are now responsible for her and her well being.  You must care and cherish her, tend to her when she needs help, protect her, she is yours and she is precious.  Once you have opened this connection, you will be closer than you thought possible.  The intensity of your love and passion will surprise you.  

If you can do these things, and really mean it, feel it, then you are a Dom and you will make your girlfriend/wife very happy.

Even if your only experience of spanking is within the privacy of your own bedroom, chances are you’ve fantasised about spanking or being spanked in front of an audience.

The prospect simultaneously horrifies and tantalises us. “I’d die of shame!” think some, whilst another part of their erotic mind reluctantly acknowledges just how hot that situation could be. All those spanking images and videos you’ve watched over the years — you in were the audience then too.

All naughty girls know that public embarrassment is an essential component of a good hard spanking. Even if few readily admit it. A punishment in private is just a quick bottom smacking that's over in minutes, and easily forgotten. But when you're spanked in front of gobsmacked witnesses, they’ll remember every single detail. Forever.

Your audience will see everything, from the moment you’re summoned in the sternest strictest voice, and you blush brightly as you’re scolded. They'll feel the tingle between their own legs as they realise what's about to happen, that they're about to witness a real live spanking.

They'll be even more aroused when your panties are pulled down. For a public spanking, panties are always lowered whilst standing up, so your audience can fully appreciate every detail of your slow embarrassing exposure. Now there’s no doubt it’ll be on the bare. They’re actually going to see a good hard spanking on the bare bottom.

They’ll be hardly breathing as you’re properly prepared, as your short skirt is unfastened and drops with a flop to the floor, or your trousers are unbuttoned and tugged to your ankles. If you’re wearing a long dress, you might have the hem lifted and tucked into the back of your bra, or be told to lift it over your head and off entirely.

A pause, as the erotic tension in the room simmers. Your cheeks will flush hot, as you know every pair of eyes in the room is now looking at your panties. You can feel their gazes linger between your legs, focused there like searchlights.

Conflicting desires bubble within you, wanting to delay the inevitable, yet yearning for your embarrassment to end. You feel intruding fingertips enter the elastic of your waistband, then a draught of cool air, and the fabric of your panties beginning to stretch over your hips.

Your audience will be staring at your waist, so the first thing they'll notice is the flash of flash as your mound is revealed. In an instant they'll know if you keep yourself shaved bare. Their eyes will follow the descending garment, as if their gazes were sliding down your genital groove.

They'll be noticing your lips, trying to discern if they're crudely swollen, watching as the gusset peels away from your crotch, looking for the telltale silver glints of arousal, like little spider threads. Collecting the clues to assess whether you're one of those naughty girls who gets wet when it’s time to be publicly punished.

Then you'll feel cool air kiss your bare buttocks for the first time, but know that chill sensation won't last for long. Your descending panties are like sand in an hourglass, counting away the moments until it's time to be dealt with.

Your panties reach your ankles, and are tugged over your feet. The audience will appreciate your legs being spread for your punishment. They want to see you kick. Your spanker is going to give them quite a show.

Another excruciating pause, as you stand exposed, still waiting to be put in the spanking position. But in a cruel late twist you're sent to fetch the implement that will be used to smack your bottom. Maybe it's a wooden spoon from the kitchen, or a slipper from hallway, or a proper spanking paddle from the toy box bedroom. Everyone watches your bare bum recede as you scurry off to retrieve it.

They're watching intently as rapid footsteps herald your return, sharing knowing smiles when you respectfully hand over the item you've collected. One final scolding before you're told to bend over. This naughty girl thought she was too important to bother with silly little rules, those gathered are told. The truth of those words makes you shrink inside.

You bend over obediently, bracing yourself for the first stinging smack. Yet you're also secretly grateful there are witnesses to your indignity. You want them to remember every detail of what they've seen. And reinforce those memories every time they put their hands between their legs to recall it.

The first smack lands and makes your legs kick. A hot rush of shame floods through your body. Everyone is captivated by the performance, absolutely entranced by the unfolding magic, scarcely able to believe they're watching a naughty little girl getting her bare bottom smacked.

The more who witness your plight, the more unforgettable it becomes. And you know some watching are secretly wishing that it was their turn next.

Forgive and forget. Let go. Don't dwell. Don't recite all my wrongdoings till the cows come home. Don't blame all of our failures on me. Don't yell at me. Control yourself first. Own your mistakes.

Lead. Take responsibility. Make me feel safe and secure. Protect me. Watch me. Don't let me go by myself after dark. Don't encourage harmful habits.

Laugh with me. Read with me. Watch me dance. Leave silly notes for me. Cook with me. Share a meal not food.

Don't put tomatoes in the fridge. Don't try to sneak a pair of black socks into the white laundry. Change that lightbulb without a gentle monthly reminder.

Tell me, I got you. Call me a good girl. Take care of me like no one else before.

Braid my hair. Pull me onto your lap. Hold me tight. Fall asleep with me. Kiss my forehead in the morning. Check on me. Don't let me drop.

Look me in the eyes. Hold my chin to look into yours. Touch me for no reason. Pin me.

Buy me an almond croissant once in a while but not too often. Make me presents that money cannot buy.

Listen to me. Support me. Inspire me. Lift me up. Don't refer to anything I'm into as crap or bullshit. Believe in me. Cheer me up. Root for my success. Be proud of me. Cherish me.

Accept me for who I am.

Then, I will HAPPILY SUBMIT. And scrub that damn kitchen like the BOH at the end of the service... #3RH

PS Yes, it's so much easier to pour my heart out to complete strangers in hope that maybe, just maybe, my words, this instruction manual, will make a difference in someone else's life.

PPS That’s Ralph Marvell and Samantha Woodley on the picture, and the still is from a Shadow Lane video (thank you, Erica, for identifying). A famous photo, popular in the community, mercilessly cropped by yours truly (unintentional pun) in order not to get nuked over one picture. No, I will not DM you the original. What, you haven't seen enough red bottoms already?

Hey Anon,

Sorry it's taken me a few days to get to this, my week kinda got away from me.

I totally get where you're coming from, as I've had similar struggles myself in different ways.

I see two primary possibilities.

One is that you may need to work to grow trust still. If he's made you feel judged, criticized, or just not accepted, then he'll have to work to rebuild that trust.

The other is that he hasn't specifically made you feel uncomfortable at all, maybe you're even more comfortable being fully yourself with him than you are with anyone else in the world...but you still have personal insecurities that get in the way. I know in my own journey with kink there have been times where I was initially seeing myself as 'too shy' for something but in reality it was deeper. I thought I was just too shy, but I was actually really scared of exploring something that might bring me pleasure because part of me didn't feel I deserved pleasure. Or I thought I was just being shy, but on deeper introspection, I was worried that exploring some of my kinky interests would make me be or feel dirty, impure, bad. That I wasn't supposed to like the stuff I liked. I've also felt 'shy' to do things because I was afraid of 'failure'. We've talked about how we both like X, but what if I try to do X and I don't actually enjoy it? Won't I have let him down? Or what if we try X but we don't get very far with it the first time and it's a slow process to get to the end goal? Those are some internalized fears that I had, that I had to really dig deep to even realize were hiding under this 'shyness' feeling. In other words, shyness can have fear, shame, guilt, insecurity, etc hiding under it sometimes.

And if that's the case for you, if you can try to pinpoint what the deeper feeling is, then maybe it'll help you learn how to work with or around that feeling. For example, if you can figure out that you're worried about feeling dirty, then you can share that with your partner and do lots of verbal reassurance about how you aren't dirty. Or if you're afraid of 'failing' you can get reassurance by talking through how the goal isn't perfection, and how it's okay if you need to stop, or don't get very far on your first try, or if you don't end up even enjoying it IRL. That exploration is the goal.

I'm sure there are endless other possibilities. But in general, I'd just wonder if there's more than 'shyness' going on and if you can dig a little deeper and figure out how to move forward from there.