Sophieology

My aunt escaped this earth this morning. We were close as I grew up, not so close the last 20 years. I am sorry about that, time and growing up, moving on... A reason, an excuse. She is with the love of her life. Out of pain, confusion, peaceful. My sweet friend birthed a beautiful baby just a few hours earlier, as my sweet aunt was heading out. Life, death. So perfect. I've learned how to grieve and that's what I will do, I guess.

Updated, out of sync, dreading the old, scared of the new. Moving forward will happen, the rust coating my desire needs to crack. I hate not knowing what I am afraid of. My life feels like a warm bed with heavy comforting blankets that smell like dog and are infested with fleas, yet are hard to crawl out from underneath. When the need to breathe fresh air, eat good food and be in the presence of humans becomes as strong as the urge to pee, I will be able to over come. This I know today.

The food that I eat fuels my passions. I am that. Life is whole, functioning with purpose. I am that. Infinite presence. I am that. My body has been abused. My heart has been confused, my mind has been infused. I am not that. That has been my experience. It's what I know thru my experience. It is not what I am. I am love in action, a human being, a perpetual student if life in action. Day is my teacher and my life, my lessons. I grade myself by my awareness of appreciation. I move through, acknowledging what Is and acting As If So back to the daily task of self care. The food that I eat fuels my passions. This is my affirmation. My prayer.

My new word of this year is "tend". As is tend to myself, my heart, hear my voice and listen to my own wisdom. Tend, be tender, have intention, pay attention. And write! Always that looming over my "process", this nagging intention to write. So I finally ask why it seems so distasteful (yet thrilling and delightful) to blog, to do what my crazy heart so longs to do. So I listened. And I heard her say, from the deep cavern of my soul, where the Hag lives... "Because you are a slut for attention" she yelled, mockingly. Woah... I got that loud and clear. I fear attention! Loathe it, oh, yeah, a while bunch of stuff just floats up like oily sludge from my inner depths. Shudder. But I breathe and remember that part in me... The comedian, the teacher, the motivational speaker, the wise woman... all need attention. The Hag quivers in anticipation, the shadow always holds the key.

Thoughts flittering from one life to the next. I used to be that Now I am this Never sure who I am, Allowing myself to find out Here I am Now

I love you. I said to myself. I smile and breathe out and remember I am love... Bodhisattva. A big word, a path I want to follow, but a concept so foreign I keep forgetting and just being the way I have always been. But I have always been one who goes on, breathing into the fear and finding adventure everywhere. Life is an adventure. And don't forget, please. Maybe a string around my finger for help? Love. Life. Adventure.

As I walk through the valley of the shadows of the dead, I can no longer just feel the fear. I must remember to ask how I want to feel, remembering I am the "boss" of my feelings, I am the chooser of my now. My thoughts often take wing, flying around like a crazy bird, flapping in the wind. So while they are insane, there is a continuum of me which remembers the whole. It is in the silence where I can change my thinking. To take control, to choose how to feel, to be aware of my now... To give direction to my life. Breathe.

Newest Foster Kittens Buddy and George. Willow has turned into a. Awesome helper!

Lost, looking for home!

I see something in the wood above me; looks like a spider, could be a knot. I squint, don't see any legs, could just be one big, hairy spider looking knot. Why didn't I see that before???!?

Willow

Go barefoot and brave, kick sand in the tire tracks of life.

My favorite time... Morning A cup of java A bong.... My thoughts flowing around like colors.