My Thoughts on Screen

I am feeling really underappreciated as of late and extremely lonely. I feel like I've sacrificed so much for my family and I'm feeling extremely unfulfilled. My kids show me much appreciation with their kind words, the things they do, the constant hugs.

My husband says he loves me and adores me, but I don't feel that he really VALUES me and what I do.

There are times I feel like I do so much when it comes to things like his birthdays, holidays, our anniversaries, and the effort on his end is zero to none.

There are times I feel like I'm wasting the best years of my life and I'm tired at the same time. I am not the best me that I can be, and I hate that my surroundings have so much to do with what motivates me. I truly want to change that and I don't know how to.

I'm always encouraging others and cheering them on, and then when it's me that needs the encouragement or motivation, there's nothing.

Sooo looking back on my last post and I have to say that I’m so glad that I didn’t stop taking the meds. I have been in a better space give or take a couple of times that I wasn’t okay. But I haven’t been experiencing as many bouts of depression and I’m not having those bad dark thoughts like before. I’ve been in therapy since January, and its been a world of a difference. 

I still have a ways to go, and I think that as I’ve been working on putting me first more, things are getting a little better with me. BUT my husband isn’t okay and now I’m hoping that he will also get into therapy as well and see if it works for him, or if he needs to rely on medication also. I DO know that lack of sleep plays a huge part in things but I think also that we have to kinda get back into the swing of being with each other. We don’t get time for just us and its affecting a lot of things. I pray that and I both get to a space where we kind of remember why and how we started. 

I don’t think this Prozac is working for me. I don’t know. Like right now I just want to cry, and eat and be by myself and I CAN’T. I hate the end of my period all the way up until this shit starts. Then I’m fine for like three or four days and its back to square one. Like how the hell do I keep living like this!?? I keep trying to keep busy to not think about it, but its getting harder and harder to do every day. Like I just want to be and feel normal. How the heck do I accomplish that? I don’t even know why I type on here sometimes because NOBODY is seeing this. I keep hoping that one day somebody will just see these posts and just come save me. Help. Or something. Let me know I’m not a lone in this. 

*TRIGGER WARNING* Suicidal language 

It just isn’t what it used to be, and I think its time to let go of the memories and create new experiences. I mourn the split between my family and I’m still in a place of trying to find where I fit in this world. I hate that I let this PMDD get me this holiday season, being so busy with taking care of so much in my house and dealing with remote schooling for the little one. 

I just need a flipping escape, but I will work on that. I know I keep saying that, but this IS an everyday process. I went yesterday from really wanting to die and thinking of ways to do it, including trying to schedule it so that its not too close to any of my kids birthdays, or any anniversaries or hubby’s birthday, to sitting and imagining what its going to be like in a new place, back to sulking, and not wanting to be around anyone to being excited when my family walked in the door from their outing. This is the shit PMDD puts you through. Like I was measuring out in my mind, what pills I would take, whether I would add liquor or weed to that cocktail and the best time to do it. Then it was how do I make it look like I just died in my sleep so its  a little less traumatizing? I was feeling so alone and unheard and overwhelmed all at the same time. I went as far as asking if I should just divorce my husband and THEN do it, so he wouldn’t get stuck with any of my debt. But then who would take care of all my girls when I’m gone? My older two I think would be okay but who is helping with my youngest? Who would step up that dont already got their own issues going on? Now you understand the pressure and dilemma? I’m overwhelmed and need a lot of help balancing, but yet I don’t want to leave and it be a burden on anyone else. Sometimes I feel like a burden whether I’m alive or dead. 

I just have a whole lot going on and still it feels like not enough going on, if that makes ANY sense whatsoever. But I know that I have to work past these suicidal ideologies in order to succeed in my future. I ask anyone who happens to come across this to just pray for me, send good vibes, hold a little space for me in your meditations to lead me to healing. I know I have it in me, even in those moments that I feel that I don’t. Well I need to go tend to the kids now....

I don’t think this virtual school is working out. The past few class times it has been difficult to get my youngest, who is in Pre-K,  to engage. I know they say not to compare your child with others, but with the way school is at the moment, I see how others engage, even if it’s not every day, and it just makes me feel even more like a failure as a parent. In all honesty, I truly need a lot more support than I am currently getting and its been really tough. I try to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I often try to even just focus on her strengths, but I’m finding it even more difficult to do in these times. 

I don’t want to give up on her, because that’s just not my nature. I just don’t think this virtual form of learning is right for her. I’m not even complaining about the teacher, because she has been great this whole time. She does everything that she can to make sure to engage her students. She has put together a great lesson plan for each day and we aren’t in front of the screen for hours at a time at all. The lessons have been awesome. I just don’t think the classtime itself keeps her attention and each morning session is roughly about 25 minutes. She does a lot of movement and other lessons that are engaging, but my child just won’t get through all of it. 

I’m hoping that these evaluations will help to navigate what I need to be doing more of to help her be more engaged and pray that I also get some more support in helping her to learn and navigate through this learning process. 

So I don’t know if I’m bugging or what, okay maybe I might be. I feel neglected as shit by my friends and it seems like maybe I should just give up on friendships altogether. Maybe its the codependent part of me, maybe I really am an energy vampire. Maybe its all in my head and although I realize everyone has their own set of problems,  and issues to deal with, I’m just feeling a little slighted. Its enough that COVID has taken away a lot of the things that I enjoyed doing, but dammit I feel like I’ve always been the sounding board for others and I just don’t really have one myself. This is probably why I’ve always shared so much on the likes of Twitter, Myspace and Facebook over the years. Sometimes you just feel like there is no specific person to talk to, so you just shout all your stuff out to whoever will listen or take notice. 

I’m married, but I live an extremely lonely life. How sad is that? LOL

I feel like I’m gonna be one of those people that dies and nobody will notice for years. Maybe I’m not meant to have a ton of friends. Maybe I’m meant to over time just be alone. I guess I have to do some more soul searching or something, because I keep hitting this dead end. 

Maybe this is my karma for letting soooo many people go over my lifetime. Maybe this let go of what no loner serves you business, went a little bit too far. I just need some guidance I guess. 

Thanks again for tuning in to the thoughts that randomly cross my mind...

So I’m at the point right now where I am trying to figure out what do I want the next chapter of my life to look like? At the moment things are a little slow with work, and I’m trying to get back into my groove. Things are still all crazy weird with COVID going on, and school is about to start for Zoe, and I have no idea what that is supposed to look like. But anyway, back to me. 

I’m finding myself in a bit of a slump and I’m not happy with my career situation, nor my appearance. I’ve been fighting with this off and on for years and I’m hoping that this slump just goes away on its own. Well I know I have to do some work to get out of it though. I did start by investing in some expensive ass  multivitamins, sooo I hope that they actually work. I really need a good kick in the gut and to get it together.  Maybe this will be the key to getting better from the inside on out. 

I’m too damn young to be going through a midlife crisis! But I just know that I’m not living my best flipping life right now. I’ve always been told that I’m holding back, and I recognize that I do that a lot. Mostly because I KNOW that my authentic self isn’t something that quite fits into societal norms. I really do crave more freedom and there are times I just feel like a caged bird. Or maybe like how my dog probably feels when she hasn’t been outside for a week. Just trapped. Like I really should be traveling more, and seeing the world. Meeting new people consistently. And instead I’m home like allll the time, changing pull ups, mopping up dog piss, scheduling grocery store trips in between trying to be a decent wife, and awesome massage therapist. I might need to go get my chakras aligned because I have no balance. I preach it a lot but I really don’t even have it myself. So glad I’m not some sort of guru, because I’d be exposed as such the fraud right now. 

So at first I really thought that I would be fine with this remote learning stuff and then I realized that its not going to be as easy as originally thought it would be. 

So with my older two girls it’s going pretty good so far. They are in high school and middle school respectively. so they already have the gist of things. The challenge will come with my 3 1/2 year old who is about to start Pre-K in about a week. I admit I needed to do so much better to have her prepared and I tried, I really did. But I really am not equipped to do this alone. I really did need that village. I am hoping to move more towards building my own. I just have to figure out how to. So I did feel a little better after the parent meeting with the school today, however I’m extremely nervous with how the little one will do with the transition to being in school. 

I have gained weight and with that weight gain I feel less and less attractive my mood swings have increased and I feel useless with not being able to work at the capacity that I was once able to before. Money is running low and I'm depressed because I'm not able to contribute as much. While people were out there starting businesses I thought I was adding to my toolbox, but I became overwhelmed. I am not in a good space right now. I had a huge arguement with my husband just last week about some things and I seriously feel like I can't keep anyone happy right now.

The thing is I also feed off of the energy around me so when others aren't excited or energized around me, it tends to suck the life out of me and then we are in this constant cycle of getting nothing done, me just getting into this whole then fuck it attitude and here we are. I really need therapy and I have been asking for help for YEARS and it seems to continue to be ignored.

I also don't want to feel like a burden, because we are all trying to get by, but I really need something to give. I need comfort, I need hugs, I need some reassurance that everything will be alright. This is where I'm at right now.

There are some things going on right now, stories coming out, secrets being unfolded that is tearing this place down as we speak. This world as we know it is coming to its knees and we are not all prepared. I am only partially prepared and that is only because I have allowed outside things to shift my focus and distract me from my purpose. I really need to stop doing that.

There are times I sit here and weep because sometimes I feel so damn lost, and there are times I feel like I'm fighting myself. There are still some times where I wonder why I am still here and then I have to redirect my thoughts to more positive ones. There are people running around here not knowing what Love is and I am here trying to hold on to what love I have left . There are times that I feel so inadequet, but that is because I want sooooo much and people seem to think I'm just moving far too slow. I'm gonna ask for more clarity before I hit this head on my pillow and ask Spirit for guidance.

Today I was walking to work, and I became overcome with a sudden wave of sadness. I was looking around at the increasing amount of homeless people that I come across daily, and they aren't even the same faces I am seeing almost daily. Every day I met with their stench on the trains, and cups outstretched in their hands begging for change. Cardboard signs, people camped out on subway stairs, park benches, and even on the sides of hotels. I wish I could do something to help them all, but no clue where to start, outside of the usual holiday coat drives, and volunteering at some soup kitchens (which I hear less and less about). I angrily pass by vacant luxury buildings, wasting our resources and taking up space. Why NYC can't get this affordable housing together, we may never know. Except GREED.

Its a constant reminder to me, that things could be worse for myself and my family. At the same time, I feel some sort of guilt. I shouldn't because I don't feel that I contribute to the problem, but I also don't feel I'm doing enough if anything at all towards a resolution to the problem either.

It's crazy that I can spend a little time in a business, and give ways to improve everything from the way it looks, to ways to generate more business, but I can't come up with a cut and dry resolution to our homeless problem. I am just ONE person though.

I need to get back into my meditation and get back into my other work. I know that I am capable of so much more with my talents, and I need to get to a place where I can showcase them more.

This was just some thoughts that I had to express and I hope to continue to do so here as time goes on.

Thanks for reading my ramblings for tonight lol.

Be well Tumblr world....

        So its the end of the year and it has been a trying one at that. Went through a lot of growth. Had many many tough times. Family is distancing apart. My older two girls moved to Delaware with their father after a tough year here in NYC. Everything from growing pains, nervous breakdowns, dealing with this mess of a NYC school system, along with many mental issues It has been a lot! The move was the best thing for them however because not only are they in a very supportive school system so far, they have friends. They have more freedoms. Other than a couple of small hiccups in the road things are progressing a lot.   

Career wise, I have become more confident in myself and my work. However although I did make more than I did last year, I know that I should have been doing so much better than I have been. But I have decided that it’s time to take new leaps in my career and expand. I know that I’m more than just a spa therapist. I want to branch off into wellness. I know that my work is more of a spiritual nature, than just for luxurious relaxation. In recent months I have become more stressed at work because I’m not as busy as I once was. I also like to heal from my own perspective, rather than going by protocols. I have never worked from a stance of protocols. I have always worked to the beat of my own drum, and am ready to expand even beyond that. 

I won’t go into details as to all of what I want to accomplish, but know that there is more coming from me. So STAY TUNED!! 

I’ve learned so much more about myself and I’ve come to some realizations that I’m not totally comfortable with, but I’m glad that I did at the same time. I’m ready to get back to my writing again. I have so much to share and although I’ve taken a much longer break than I wanted to with my writing, I knew that I would get back into the swing of things over time.