My Thoughts To The Moon

How do I stop feeling defeated? Every night in my room I’m energized and ready to take on the world but I wake up the next morning exhausted and miserable. Defeated before I even set my plan in motion, before I even lifted my head and got out of my bed. Before I tried just once, gave it my all, and failed . I’m defeated and by a force I can’t see or place, or so I think. But all the while I secretly feel like it’s me all along. Am I doing this? If so can I stop it? I know I feel good when I accomplish a goal but it takes so much just to get to it and the happiness is short lived. How do I push through the weight of my depression that defeats me everyday? How do I consciously and continuously decide to just get up and do instead of being curled up in a ball in the dark not sleeping, not feeling, and barely existing.

How do I defeat this feeling of being defeated?

Sometimes talking with you makes me feel like I should have killed myself a long time ago when I really wanted to. I though the worst thing in the world was dying and nobody missing me but now I know that something just as bad is living with people that hate you.

I’m a monster

I don’t deserve forgiveness

Even though I beg for it

Tears streaming down my face

I’m begging for something I know I don’t deserve

I want you to forgive me

To see something in me I’m blind to

To believe in me like no one ever has

To give me the chance to prove even myself wrong

But

I also

Don’t want you to forgive me

Leave me in the dark where I belong

So I can drown in sorrow

Grow from my pain

Learn a lesson I never could with forgiveness thrown my way

Leave me to float in my pain

The pain I deserve because of the pain I caused so many

If you forgive me

I’ll never learn

So use this chance to make sure I’ll never forget

Forgiveness only comes to those who deserve it