Ephemeral

Love is so fucking tricky tho. It kinda sucks. It provides a different feeling that platonic relationships can’t provide. It’s warm, enthralling and absolutely captivating. That shit hits different. It’s all these wonderful things, but at the same time it’s not all these wonderful things. It’s intoxicating and absolutely consuming to a point where, if not done right, it can become a toxic cesspool in which one’s self can be lost or destroyed. We’re not taught how to have healthy relationships or how to establish boundaries. Youth and adolescents model love from their parents or from various media institutions. The various forms of media that we consume demonstrate toxic displays of affection that can negatively impact many people. People want to have picture perfect love all of the time, but it’s not the case

Maybe I don’t love him though. Maybe I love the comfort he provided or the idea of him. I don’t know. I just know that I want to be loved again. Ideally by him.

It kinda sucks. I knew that he’d move on eventually and it would be hypocritical or unfair of me not to expect that. Just knowing that it happened just sucks. I shouldn’t have asked. I’m a fucking dummy at the end of the day. I think it’s one thing to not know someone is waiting for you. There is no knowledge or light in ignorance. I think it’s another thing to know someone is waiting for you and wanting you. There is knowledge and there is light. In knowledge of that, you moved on. It’s my karma and to an extent I deserved it, but it sucks. I want to be loved the way I love him.

There’s a part of me that realizes the grand insignificance of my present life. Yet I can still acknowledge that my problems are valid and have a significant impact on said life.

It’s so crazy how much can happen within a short amount of time. Nothing is truly constant, but death and time itself.

I want a connection again.

Connections don’t come easy and I can’t find what I’m looking for. When I think I’m doing good I realize that I’m not..? I’m better and I’m growing and I’m good with being alone but I’m still trying to fill something. And it’s not healthy,?

I need a hug and to also just sleep and not wake up.

Fuck. I’m really hating myself tonight.

I wish I had a flat tummy and bigger boobs.

I’m just in a really dark fucking spot.

I think I have internalized self hatred. I fucking hate pretty white girls not just for their ignorance and systemic privileges. But bc they’re the standard of beauty and I can never compare and be on par in the world of beauty. Which makes me hate my features and make me feel ugly despite what I preach. I want to be one of the pretty and privileged white girls who don’t have to worry about frizzy hair or the color of their eyes or the pigmentation of their joints. I want to be pretty and know it.