grown in the cracks of my heart

'16 Scenes of You and Your Dad in Cars' - Jordan Bolton

Prints and zines available on my Etsy

and i was a fool, too. though not entirely.

i remember the certain creep of dread that would peel my eyelids open to the shift of your gaze to your phone or the curl of your fist when my hand drew close or the momentary freeze of your body when i leaned in for a kiss i did not have you.

my guts grow claws and they dig into my chest then ripping me open slowly, tug after tug from the inside out and every living component within me trembles with the despair of being no one's girl. unwanted sick puppy in the box by the sidewalk bins. two-headed calf born on a dark night with twice the terror of nothingness in its heart.

there is a comforting finality in something that never began at all. my only fear, now that it's over is that this ache will never disappear. and that if it does, then you might come back to cut me open again.

on friends, who maybe want to be a little more than that

most of the time this is okay, and i bask in the quiet. i make myself a new and fancy recipe. i bake treats for my dog. i take environmentally-shameful-length showers. i often like being alone. i like to sit and have the world hold me in a palm like a mercury spill.

but then the small things. i kind of want to see one of the touring broadway shows. or a particular movie. i just want to tangle my legs into someone else's while we eat popcorn and talk about our favorite types of tea or something. it's not that i can't handle any of this by myself - i do, i am happy doing so - but i sometimes cut the orange in half and wish i could peel it for a second person.

i am cheerfully and chipperly informed that all things can be fun and exciting by yourself. i am reminded that loving myself should be the first and foremost goal. i am jokingly informed that if i just hold out, my wife will appear in the clouds as if i wished for her - but that i shouldn't drive myself crazy by looking. i ground myself in my incredible friends and support. i do it all the "right" way.

tesoro   /      rarest pearl in the heart of the sea. slay the guardian beast and     take it as a trophy.   luminescent   sparkling    dawn-dusted    ocean's diamond.

                               you are every first drop of rain of every summer storm       i want to catch you on my tongue. feel the break in the heat, the sweetness of the sky.

      the gold at the underside of every strike of lightning.     you are the most unseen of summertime enigmas   the kind that you only witness if you are    out of your mind*.      you smile at me with the sweetness of shaved ice in a summertime fruit drink      and i melt for you like i am what's at the edge of the glass that touches the sun.

you taste like cold honey when i kiss you      we lay together, and i watch the way you watch my eyes, my reflection in yours like you are in mine       and i think that we could drown like this      off the coast at the deep end where the shallow sea floor gives way and there is just an endless void of high noon blue.   

    will you return to the sky, trésor? will you sink into the sea, tesoro?

make me into a man on a mission. send me into outer space to look for you. lure me into the ocean like a legend. i will follow the sound of you to the end of the world and back       i will weave us into a modern retelling of orpheus and his lover       dig myself into the ground for you, climb into the astral plane for you        anything. my summertime enigma, my cosmic jewel, my ocean's diamond.

your laugh stuck between my teeth

take my hand and lead me through the mist of our winter and our discontent till we reach that cool night and i'll dip you into a slow dance beneath the springtime starlight

pretty flower i bring you out into the sun and you let me kiss your petals and you let me taste your honey how i love you my lily of the valley

i ask you if we can go together to the sea i tell you we'll swim and that i'll take you out till we're in real deep and you say as long as you're with me

you lean against the wall / back-end alley with me in a black dress / and you step on a smashed glass bottle on the floor. the whites of your eyes glowing in the dark like you’re lit up from the inside. you ask me to dance with you, and we waltz like we’re on stage. hand in cold hand.

i don’t know what you want. i see red. i see the light at the end of the tunnel. you’re out of adderall and i need my anti-psychotics. the ones i never bought because i don’t want to get medicated.

you tell me i’m pretty like a painting / and i wonder how exactly i can give you the moon. maybe in a fever dream, i’ll build you a stairway all the way to the ISS and then fly you from there.

you once told me you wish you could go wine tasting. you’d knock back a bottle of perfume if it meant you’d feel right again. have you ever been happy? at least you smell good.

maybe this is the fever dream. you’re whispering in my ear that you feel alive right now, and your hands are shaky on my waist. there is thunder, but when i look up at the sky you tell me it’s just my pulse pounding in my head. there is a metallic smell in the air. i think we’re about to get struck by lightning.

i taste blood in my mouth. or maybe it’s just that i’m thirsty. you laugh and tell me we’re going to go watch the stars by the sea.

your laugh stuck between my teeth

take my hand and lead me through the mist of our winter and our discontent till we reach that cool night and i'll dip you into a slow dance beneath the springtime starlight

pretty flower i bring you out into the sun and you let me kiss your petals and you let me taste your honey how i love you my lily of the valley

i ask you if we can go together to the sea i tell you we'll swim and that i'll take you out till we're in real deep and you say as long as you're with me