My Stupid Diary

And here we are! (28/05/14)

As much as it hurt me at the time, I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that things were supposed to go that way. If he didn't hurt me the way he did, it would have been harder to cope. My hatred for him helps me to move on. 

Check this text out. ^

My first reaction: This motherfucker chooses now to develop morals? I remember when we started dating and he wanted to hang his ex girlfriend's picture on the wall, told me about her and told me that she would do anything to get back with him. Then he told her, after she'd uploaded and tagged him in a picture of them making out on facebook, that I'd said he wasn't allowed to talk to her. Well actually, I merely expressed how uncomfortable and fucking inappropriate of her that was to do. I remember all the texts and phone calls from my friends before I'd seen it being like DA FUQ!? But neither of them could see the problem. HA! 

Anyway, she said I was pathetic.

Not to mention his wondering eyes, stupid shit that comes out of his mouth, the lying, cheating etc. Just interesting that he decides that this girl is worth being faithful to. He's probably impregnated her.

Afterthoughts:

You know what? We really can't be friends. I want to convince myself that I want to be his friend, but every time I think about him I just get so irritated! I don't think he deserves my friendship. I hope she gives him herpmydia. An STI hybrid of herpes and chlamydia. That would be great.

Single life really isn't as bad or scary as I'd thought. I'm actually sort of enjoying it. Even my alone time. I was so afraid of being on my own before. I'm finally starting to find myself and growing a personality again! I can talk to people I never would have before, I can be as mental as I want, I see my friends more and for the first time ever exploring this city!

I'm not being trendy.

Oops. (18/05/14)

Today really sucks. Rejection hurts. Close to tears all day. Finally burst. First day I haven't had anything to distract me.

I hate your guts. All I want to do is fight with you. At least we'd be talking.

I'm over it. All I want now is for you to admit to what you did instead of denying it, and an apology. That is the only thing keeping me attached. Even that is fading now. 

I hope you're really pleased with how this turned out. I hope you're happy that you made this entire 4 year and 3 month relationship the most painful memory I have to look back on. I've lost all faith in love and humanity. Every "good" memory together feels like a lie. I've always blamed myself for everything. Every fight, every frown, every argument. And sometimes it was my fault. But you were going behind my back living your own separate life from me anyway, so what does it matter? Remember Myrtleford? Remember the girl you were talking to back then? Remember all the times I tried to break up with you but would come crawling back to you after 3 hours because I couldn't bear to be without you? We've had so many bumps and hiccups and I always looked straight past them because I was so fucking in love with and devoted to you. 

Good luck finding someone else who can look past all the shit you pull, or at least get a good root out of this. I was so in love. This entire relationship was TOXIC and I hate you for making me fall in love with you. I hate you for breaking my heart on Friday and being so perfect when you did it. You didn't want me to drive, you told me you still cared, you cried and tried to hug me. I was shattered but I still respected you. I hate you for coming back on Monday and telling me you missed me, and all the other lies. I hate that I physically feel like my chest is ripping itself apart while I write this. I hate you for talking about moving in together and then not speaking to me. 

I hate that you disappeared and couldn't even let me know that you were alive. I hate how angry and hurt you made me, I hate your ego and how cocky you've become. I hate that you couldn't tell me what was going on behind my back.I hate that packing up reminds me of all the things we did together, and of when I still felt loved. I hate being sent home from work for having an emotional breakdown. I hate that I can't imagine you suffering at all. I hate the way your eyes change colour and the way your hair flips straight back into place no matter how much I ruffle it up. I hate the way your arms felt when you flexed them and that all your tattoos have meaning. I hate how strong you are, emotionally and physically. I hate how you make noises and faces that I hate just to get a reaction. I hate that you were my first in every possible way, and I hate that you won't be the last. I hate that all the hurtful things I try to say have no effect on you, but everything you say is another stab to my chest. I hate that I didn't mean any of it, and I hate the guilt I felt for leaving everything on your mum's lawn. I hate that you're the only thing I can think about. I hate that deep down I still care for you no matter how much I try not to. I hate that you keep secrets from me when I tell you all of mine. I hate that I still love you, no matter how much I try to repress it. I hate all the good memories, and I hate that I miss fighting and arguing. I hate how empty my house looks with all your things gone. I hate how cold and lonely it feels. I hate that the birds have a more loving and stable relationship than us. I'm going to let them go once they get a bit older and their wings are fully grown back.

I hate that all I want is for you to come through my bedroom door and be there for me. Not to get back together but to hug me and be my friend again.