Never too old for memes.

Yeah, it really be like tha- MOTHERGODDAMNFUCKER

Good morning. Turn on your sound.

I.....

GODDAMMIT

GOD FUCKING

A cat is a machine that turns proteins into violence.

love the genre of discourse that’s like “the world used to be [thing it never was] but now society is [I’m over thirty]”

Literally how I talk to my cats. They are.... Talkative. And have learned to mimic certain human sounds enough that if someone isn't paying attention, it sounds like I'm having a real conversation with someone who's eating a taco or something.

I'm always saying shit to my cats like "oh yeah is that what you think?" "Do you have any proof? You can't say shit like that without evidence" "I can't believe you would say something like that, I thought we were friends" and so on. And they don't know what words mean.

my favorite part is not knowing if the rage is the hormones or the fascism but at least it's directed towards the fascism

When will it be my turn to be a car

I love getting unaccompanied minors (kids flying alone) who so clearly just. Don't want to be here lol. Sometimes I get to know a little of their story, like their parents are divorced, or a family member died and they're heading to the funeral, but usually they just don't want to talk about it and that's fine. But I always treat the flight like it's a challenge to make them smile. I offer them snacks and soda but that's never enough, that's whatever, they could get those from an airport vending machine. Chump change. So then I tell the worst jokes. Just the most embarrassing, kindergarten teacher, annoying dad jokes you can think of. And those always get a groan, or a "Seriously??" And that's my in! Now I can say "Why, what's your idea of a good joke? No, come on hotshot, make your best joke, let's see it." And they hem and they haw but of course they eventually tell me their very best joke because kids are little competitive comedy goldmines. And it's always super funny, so I laugh, and that's where they slip up. Because you know what you almost always do when your joke successfully makes someone laugh? You smile. And I'm like. Gotcha. Rookie move. Now you're going to end up having a good time in spite of yourself. I win.

Did this with an 11yo u.m. today and he said "What did the ghost say to the other ghost?" And I said "What?" "Nothing. Ghosts aren't real."