This will not be comprehensive or complete, there is too much waffle for anyone to be bothered reading .
I also have to rely on my memory, this may be inaccurate and distorted as I have gone through the years.
I think I have always been a deviant, from as soon as I have memories of it and discovered the thing between my legs gave me pleasure I have been pumping it.
So easy now, to find anything you like online, on my own as a young boy naive and "innocent" I didn't understand the many categories, labels and boxes that seem to define the kink space now.
I just really enjoyed masturbation, I think from 12 I was pumping multiple times a day.
It became normal to me, I am sure I have a memory of making myself cum 8 times in one day.
There are some very formative events on a scout camp, looking back now.
The full memory is distorted so I cannot remember how it started , I am pretty sure it wasnt my idea but ..
We played strip poker, and I was losing, I ended up naked , 2 out of the 6 of us were naked .
I was fully erect, with the humiliation and they were laughing and joking about me which I found distressing at the time, I was 14, no one likes getting bullied ..
We played multiple games of stip poker, I didn't always get erect when naked in front of the other boys but those feelings of self consciousness and humiliation were so strong, looking back now, I guess every one would have those feelings.
But not every one would be aroused by them.
I masturbated to the emotions of those gsmes for months alone in my room afterwards, fantasies of all kinds rushing through my head.
But back then I was definitely very confused with a mountain of denial about it .
There are so many things that now, I look back were the building blocks for my current situation.
I feel I should not rush though it, just for my own sake in writing this down especially the early stuff.
it's weird that you can carry a memory and an experience through your life but not realise at the time, but even years after what the impact was .
The next very formative event occurred in the same year before I was 15. It's hard to imagine this being a real thing nowadays.
Before the internet, porn was in magazines and videos you had to buy .
One of my good friends at the time found a porn mag thrown away in some bushes, we looked through it and some of the pages were stuck together.
We laughed that it was cum, my memory here doesn't allow me to find who's idea it was, I genuinely can't get to it but we mastubated together over the pages.
I honestly don't know now if It was my idea or not but I remember wanting to see his cock and how I compared (I was smaller) .
We both ejaculated over the magazine and threw it back in the bush.
I couldn't get it out of my head and went back for it a few days later. I am not sure if I would have but I wanted to lick it, again not sure where that desire originated but it did.
It wasn't there , but from that day I started eating my own cum after I masturbated.
(This become so normal to me that years later when CEI (cum eating instructions) were all over the place I didn't get it 🤣 . So normal to me was it to eat my cum )
So those things happened. .
Obviously that was excellent but for this story not relevant other than I discovered oral sex, and that I on average I would cum pretty quickly during sex.
This would be a reoccurring "issue" with all my relationships with women, I think it's probably down to excessive masturbation but it's been a constant in my sex life so maybe not, I don't really know.
From the age of 15 - 20 I would say I was extremely vanilla I had various girlfriends on and off.
My previous experiences seemingly forgotten, I lusted over women and girls.
I then had a particularlly brutal break up with a girlfriend which blindsided me completely, she had been fucking one of my best friends, and she took great delight in telling me how utterly useless a fuck I was and that on numerous occasions, I had had sloppy seconds and with my preferences of going down on her had almost certainly eaten his cum from her .
At the time this was utterly devastating to me on every measure I took it badly, very badly.
Not only had she devastatingly took apart my sexual competency, my friend also hugely fucked me over.
I was heartbroken and retreated to masturbation and weed.
This is where it gets complicated because I'm the midst of my funk and working out the timelines to check if she was being a bitch or trutful .
Things slotted into place that I had indeed certainly fucked and eaten her pussy after he had been there first .
It went unnoticed to me because I would go down on her after I had cum inside, this act seemed not unusual to me, I would usually cum pretty quickly so going down on her was to make sure I made her cum, the fact my cum was there was irrelevant to me so used to eating my own cum as I was .
She had thought it weird as fuck at the time, she took delight in telling me at the breakup.
I had been a cuckold, unknown at the time but now alone and masturbating it made me so horny , my porn habits went in this direction and its not a small leap in my mind from eating your own cum to wanting to try other cum.
This is where another contradictory thing occurs and is still true now. I don't find men attractive , at all .
But I became fixated on sucking a cock .
I didn't have a girlfriend any more and she had made it clear I was useless.
Cuckold porn had shown I could be sexually active without needing to perform .
I love giving oral sex to women .. what's the difference?!
Long story short it took 2 years to stop masturbating about it and actually set it up .
I have to admit to being a no show on 3 occasions, having orgasmed at the set up and got cold feet ( 3 times ! I am so fuxking sorry to those guys )
The first guy I actually arrived to meet was a no show , I waited in the woods and he didn't show .
3 months later I tried again .
And unknown to me then it would profoundly change my life .
We met on a website called plenty of fish , we had chatted for maybe 4 weeks . By this point I was resolved to getting it done so I could move on (ha if only i knew)
Anyway he had explained to me he was married and discretion was imperative. He enjoyed the power exchange of having unreciprocated sex acts with men . I was honest (always a winner) and said it was my first time, I was interested in sucking a cock and I was quite happy playing with myself.
Unreciprocated sex ... The only hint looking back now at a Dom/sub dynamic, I had not payed much attention to it , so wrapped up in my own desires for the situation.
He was very attracted to my nervousness and that he would be my first.
We met in a car park I was extremely flustered and nervous, he was cool calm and collected, with an easy manner lead me to the woods and once we were private .
Calmly and politely took control and guided me through sucking his cock .
It's funny I didn't realise at the time how easily I just followed exactly what he said and wanted, but I just did .
I lowered my trousers and took off my t-shirt and knelt down Infront of him, naked exposed and feeling the exhilaration of something long fantasised over about to happen.
Adrenaline absolutly pounding through me so incredibly aroused. Kneeling Infront of him I started jerking myself.
He watched me for a minute or so then opened his trousers and lowered them to his knees, he put his hands on my shoulders and I took his cock in my hands and played with it, jerking him and myself.
I stroked myself and his cock and then moved my head to his cock and took his cock in my mouth.
Another rush of adrenaline and excitement
I don't know what I expected but with his cock in my mouth, tongue rolling around it and sucking on it , I was very very self conscious of not doing it right .
He mostly left me to discover my own way around sucking ,but if I did something he liked he said "good boy"
He was rock hard , and I tasted precum, I ejaculated, shaking, soon after I felt his orgasm and his cum flooded my mouth , it felt incredible to feel it twitch and spray in my mouth. Salty and creamy. I was obviously used to the taste of my own , his was very different.
But more than that, his orgasm was undeniable.
I had made him cum, without any doubt.
Almost instantly I was overwhelmed, delight , fear, shame , regret.
My post orgasm clarity sending mixed signals .
He thanked me , and said I was pretty good for a first timer , I felt proud .
He pulled his trousers up and left me there.
Mission accomplished I was absolutely thrilled and devastated it's hard now looking back to explain the joy and trauma of that night.
A significant development had occurred, I was a cocksucker. I felt used , as much as I had got exactly what I wanted.
I had loved it but I wasn't gay, I didn't fancy men or find them attractive. I was extremely confused.
I went home and brushed my teeth and rinsed with mouthwash over and over again , consumed with regret and shame.
Fantasy had become real . I think I knew then it was significant but it's hard to explain the real complexity of my emotions and feelings back then.
I did what stupid faggots do .
I denied , I denied and I denied and tried to run away from it.
But in classic contradictory fashion I used all those complex emotions of humiliation, shame, excitement and delight of being a cock sucker.
To masturbate myself relentlessly.
I have to admit to being very selfish in all my early interactions with men, online.
It's a miracle Stephen put up with me in that first year.
I blanked him cleanly, ignoring all his messages for 3 months .
Over that time, the desire to refresh my memoriee and feelings for my own pleasure grew into me groveling back to Stephen to meet me again.
I will do another post otherwise this will get too long
Future posts of my journey into becoming a genuine Faggot I will tag with #originstory
turnnoffyourmind
dailybridgerton
