Diary of a wimpy bitch

Bit of a break from updating here, and a general hiatus of Faggotry.

It's funny how such intense feelings and desires to explore submission and service can be extinguished in the event of real life events.

For various reasons mostly work, the opportunities for us to meet and even do remote submission have been few.

In periods like this my desires can simply turn off.

The absence hardly missed, until I feel the desire and need inside me growing again.

In periods like this it's important to stay connected with your dominant even if it's not possible to be of use to them, and have the enjoyment yourself.

As a faggot it's often portrayed that it's all about the dominant and their pleasure, while that is true, our own satisfaction and pleasure is integral to any successful relationships.

So having given myself in body and mind to Stephen i quickly learnt my true place and how fucking exciting it was.

Truly I was completely at his mercy, the absolute control of my cock and orgasms changed me so unbelievably profoundly.

Without the distration of my own satisfaction or should I say immediate satisfaction, I became almost instantly a different person.

So desperate was I to please Stephen and get the reward of release, he was able to control me utterly.

It was so addictive , emasculaing , frustrating, shaming, humiliating and rewarding.

My life became completely consumed with it , this would have some negative features later on .

But in those first few months of chastity play, I probably never wore it for more than a few days at a time, usually only in-between meetings with Stephen.

The cage was horrible and awkward, I was so self conscious it completely ended any thoughts of trying to date girls or seek any relationships outside of waiting for Stephen's next message to meet .

I sucked his cock , sucked his toes , kissed his ass , humiliated and displayed myself to him .

The power dynamic absolute, I really felt I had to earn my orgasms, it was so humbling and genuinely life changing.

Begging and pleading to be freed to masturbate myself. I would be allowed to unlock Infront of him and he would watch me edge and jerk off , sometimes as soon as we met so I served him during my post orgasm clarity and the shame inside me was strongest .

Sometimes at the end as a reward for my development. Sometimes not at all.

He objectified me, used me completely for his pleasure , ignored me. Had me describe all my inner most feelings and fantasies.

It was gloriously frustrating, rewarding and consuming, I felt so safe with him, I became devoted to him.

The worst part was the waiting, between meetings I was insatiable and very annoying I suspect.

I became completely obsessed with him and totally controlled by him, it was wonderful but I still had huge feelings of shame, guilt, embarrassment.

I had got myself into a situation that I was enjoying immensely but was completely one way .

I missed sex and did lament the loss of my sexual independence, any negative thoughts were when I was alone, locked, "without purpose"

I would wrestle with this alot.

We spoke often in-between meetings, where before I would jerk myself relentlessly now I was locked and unable.

It wasn't long before he led the discussions to fucking me, he slowly introduced the desire to fuck me.

With all my constant whining and moaning about being unable to satisfy myself during the time I couldn't be with him, he kept reminding me there was a way ...

My moaning about lack of sex ... He would remind me there was a way .

It was subtle and unrushed, but he was consistent in reminding me I could use my ass .....

So long story short after about 4 months of chastity, never continuous for more than a week or 10 days, the desire/need to find out was sufficient enough for me to ask him to fuck me for the first time.

He played with me for about a month from the first time I asked him . . .

Making me beg , and ultimately plead for him to take my virginity.

It's was a delicously humiliating and exciting time, so many meetings during my begging stage, I thought it would happen only to be denied and serve him in other ways.

Soon all I could think about was having him fuck me and take my virginity.

He was very excited about being my first, but his conposure and ability to tease and deny me for so long was unbelievable.

(I might have written before about having a sexual disease checkup , but if not he made me get tested and show him the results. He wanted to fuck me raw and not endanger himself or his wife. I didn't ask to see his at the time which may have been naive, but I at this point trusted him completely. I got tested and it was all good, since I had been in chastity no thought had entered my head to look for sex anywhere else)

Then one night I was called to his house.

We were alone for the night, his family staying away.

I spent hours naked , worshipping and sucking, kissing and licking his body .

All the time caged my excitement obvious with the dripping from between my legs.

Throughout my worshipping session I was encouraged to beg for my virginity to be taken .

It was deeply humiliating, extremely exciting, oh how I wish I could replicate that day.

The absolute tension and excitement of the unknown about to happen. There was only ever going to be one, first time.

Lots of lube, starting with some gentle fingering I knelt on all fours on the bed, and presented my ass to him .

Slowly and not totally comfortably for me he fingered my hole, the shocking reality of what was about to happen sinking in .

I was so nervous, I wanted it , I didn't want it, I knelt on the bed heart pounding with nervous excitement.

I felt so incredibly vulnerable!

I don't know the timenor durations now, but he fingered me and instructed me on how to relax , then I felt his cock rubbing between my ass cheeks and the occasional pressure on my hole .

He was so gentle and took it slowly he felt absolutely fucking huge!

Over some time that felt like hours he worked his cock into me , pausing allowing me to breathe and relax as he slid into me, lots of encouragement and guidance.

Despite him being so accommodating and gentle it was very uncomfortable and at times painful.

I was almost detached mentally at times so caught up in my new world.

I was getting fucked. I wasn't gay .

I wasnt enjoying it, I was really enjoying it.

My mind racing through all the termoil of shame, guilt and desire.

His body contracted and a few deep thrusts I felt him cum inside me.

He was so extatic and happy with the joy of his orgasm , so full of praise for how well I took him on my first time.

I was proud .

In all the excitement and learning I had not thought once about myself.

Once he had settled down and slipped out from inside me, he got me to lie on the bed and unlocked me .

He gave me a hand job right there and then. The first time he had ever really touched me sexually .

I think I lasted a minute maybe 2 before I had an overwhelming orgasm to his hand.

It was the rarest of treats and definitely felt like the reward it was intended as.

It was the first orgasm not by my own hand for over a year and was incredible.

My ass was absolutely burning and I felt different.

We showered and I replaced my cage .

I am not sure how long it took me to understand how profoundly that day changed me.

But I was changed, forever by feeling him fick and cum inside me.

Other people may feel differently than me, I can only speak to how I feel .

Sucking cock I feel I have some control over it , I am in control of the pleasure I give...

Getting fucked is 100% in the control of the Top.

Didn't have time to report yesterday, an uneventful weekend was followed by a very intense Monday . A week of daily edging, multiple times, had me waking up on Monday uncontrollably horny .

Thankfully I was scheduled to spend my lunch break in Stephen's service.

I turned up at Stephen's house and now it's a bit warmer stripped at left my clothes at the back door.

Kneeling outside waiting after I had knocked I was already so horny .

He opened the door , and to my extreme delight had already removed his trousers.

He walked up to me and put his cock in my mouth .

I sucked his cock and kissed his balls and was quite frenzied in my horny delight .

I stroked his cock and rubbed it over my face as I sucked .

I was dripping and so giddy with getting straight to it . I started to ask if I could touch myself.

He made me beg, for a few minutes then allowed me an edge while I sucked him .

I so so horny it didn't take long .

He walked inside and led me in, I crawled behind him .

He came around behind me and put his fingers in my mouth . To suck them and wet them , he rubbed his cock through my ass cheeks.

He fingered my hole and "made" me beg for his cock .

I big squeeze of lube and then I felt him mount me, he pushed inside achingly slowly making me feel every cm of him slide in side .

It was delightful.

He fucked me slowly and instructed me to jerk of to orgasm .

I begged for an edge or 2 but was denied and I after only a few minutes had a shuddering orgasm with his cock inside me .

As my orgasm ripped through me he intensified his fucking and by the time I came to my senses he was pounding me so hard .

I started begging for his cum and soon I was rewarded with his orgasm inside me .

It was all over in 5 mins .

Totally exhilarating and unusual for a Monday lunchtime.

He held me tight until he slipped out of me , slapped me on my cheeks and we went to shower.

It's not often it's so animalistic with sex, these days but fuck it was just what we both needed .

I soaped and washed Stephen all over in the shower.

I dried off and walked through his house naked to my clothes outside.

#originstory

So after being given my decision to make after our last meeting, I went home and genuinely spent a week or so thinking hard (and masturbating )

We had a lot of back and forth over text chat .

It was the first time he used the word "faggot" to describe me .

He layed it all out very clearly and matter of fact .

He wanted me, but he wanted me to be his, only his with complete submission to him .

To be on demand 24/7 .

We discussed how I could say no to things I don't want to do but also that my limits would be stretched where possible.

It was honest open and clear .

I was so naive I didn't have any limits 🤣.

He explained that I would have no sexual contact with anyone else unless under his supervision.

He wanted to fuck me, he wanted to cum in me .

I expressed some reservations about that, I was a "virgin" and obviously had thought about it but going the next step was honestly scary and hadn't been a desire of mine.

He also explained that certainly for the start he would help me learn using chastity.

This was a huge deal to me .

Up until this point no matter what was happening in reality with my obvious enjoyment of the submission and cock sucking .

I had been edging and masturbating obsessively

To great personal satisfaction...

I genuinely couldn't commit to giving it up .

It got to the point in our discussions that this was the sticking point ...

The more I held out the more it became clear that my commitment to him would depend on it .

I really was stupid , looking back now if I hadn't made such a fuss about it I could have maybe not had to immediately commit to chastity. It was probably inevitable eitherway, but I really did box myself into a corner where it became the sign of my commitment to him.

Obviously thougout all this I was tremendously excited by the thought of chastity and truly giving up control ... But I was masturbating while getting exctied about it 🤣.

We met a couple of times in the 4 or 5 weeks that these discussions were going on.

He could obviously sense my trepidation and I was obviously excited but worried about what it would all lead to .

Throughout all these discussions he was trying (very patiently) to encourage me to stay chaste ofy own "free will" . It became obvious to both of us I was incapable of that kind of self restraint.

So after much discussion and drama and prevaricating on my part .

3 months before my 23rd Birthday I became a real Faggot and began a 20 year journey into submission and service to Stephen.

We met at our usual spot and in the end I asked him to please lock away my cock and take control of me .

I sucked his cock, while masturbating myself and had the last orgasm by my hand*

He turned the key on my chastity cage and my new life began.

*Actually it was only the last orgasm by my hand for about 4 days 🤣.

In those first few weeks I learnt the true, real true feelings of what submission was and meant .

Denial of my own desires .

It was very hard and I had so many doubts , in the middle of the worst doubts Stephen helped me by allowing me to suck his cock 😁.

And to his great credit allowed me regular unlocks and releases .

In this first few weeks of absolute commitment to him, I was allowed to his house, he supervised cleaning and I shaved my pubic hair bald for the fist time .

The real feelings of emasculation and submission were so intense and overwhelming at times, there are so many hours when it's just you alone with your thoughts, especially so early on .

I had many regrets mixed in with the obvious excitement ofy new situation.

It was very confusing time.

Stephen was an absolute master, and genius at making me feel comfortable and happy with my choices I just wasn't with him the whole time .

The downtime away from him was very very difficult.

That's enough waffle for now. .

The early months were different, difficult and fun.

If Stephen knew how badly I was doing this I would be punished 🤣 .

He doesn't so I can make no apologies for the lack of consistency.

Thursday and Fridays lunchtime sessions were as usual a pure joy of submissive humiliation.

I was so horny and despite my endless begging and pleading no touching was permitted.

Infact during my kneeling session on Friday I explained that this week would be a good week for me to be at Stephen's service as my wife would be away with work until Thursday.

This didn't exactly have the effect I was hoping for as the moment my wife left on Monday morning I was instructed to put myself into Chastity.

I sit here now ( Tuesday morning) locked away and very frustrated given I have not had release since my premature ejaculation more than a week ago.

I was hoping for a very intense week of joyful service, but as is the life of a faggot, my desires and needs are not a priority to Stephen.

He has a busy week with his family and I come down the pecking order of his prioites .

Other than random cage checks I am giving my service with quiet stoic submission.

It's obviously also a very good reminder of my place.

Our relationship is very rewarding for both of us and the power dynamic is absolutely clear .

It's still good for me to be reminded that my desires are basically irrelevant 🤣.

I still have hope he is just playing me and I will be summoned before Thursday .

Missed a few days, keeping a diary is difficult 🤣

Took a few days to recover from Fridays absolute session.

Ass was a bit sore and my jaw ached .

Managed to have a "normal" weekend with my wife and gave her an Easter Sunday pussy eating marathon.

I managed to ejaculate before penetration so humiliating , but I think she was genuinely releaved she doesn't have to take my feeble fuxking attempt.

A real Fag Friday for me !

Snatching 45 min to an hour once or twice a week to express my need to serve my Stephen is glorious I am very lucky.

From time to time I get afternoons like today where the stars align and I can lose myself in submission for 5-6 hours.

My wife was at a work party, Stephen's wife away for the day.

As agreed I arrived at Stephen's and stripped for inspection.

I still cannot overstate how much this gets to me, the vulnerability the humiliation of being inspected before use .

I was very careful to have shaved myself attentively this morning.

I stand and kneel in various poses for him to inspect me.

My heart always races , at the possibilities about to occur as I present and submit myself for his pleasure.

I crawl behind him to his lounge roomwhere he has prepared a foam mat surrounded by towels .

I see a selection of toys layed out, chastity, dildo , butt plug, mouth gag.

I am extremely aroused !

I kneel and he moves around me fondling and groping my body , squeezing my ass and nipples, occasionally brushing over my very erect cock .

He sits Infront of me and directs his foot into my mouth , I start to suck and lick his feet he directs me to mastubate myself, I start to jerk as I suck his toes.

He starts telling me how horny I look and how much he would like to help me out.

It's much easier to put your cage on when your not so aroused isnt it .

"yes Sir"

I realise no amount of begging is going to help me preserve my pent up horny state.

Within minutes of arrival sucking his toes I make myself cum... Carry on he says .

Still licking his feet I battle myself to another orgasm .

"One more "

This one is desperate and painful , I am hot and sweaty I feel the surge of orgasm with such desperation.

I am exhausted!

"good boy"

Now put on your cage .

He watches me , shaking, lock away my cock .

I thank him and hand him the key.

Reality fades back after my exersions . I continue to lick and suck his feet while we talk for a while.

I think him multiple times , I express suprise at my orgasms so early in the sesssion, with a tingle of regret .

He reminds me that now I can be focused on him without the need or thought of myself.

I kneel again and he drops his trousers, he stands over me and I kiss and lick his inner thighs and work towards his cock and balls .

20-30 mins kneeling with him standing over me sucking licking and kissing his cock and balls .

Occasional chat , I give him 3 edges .

He directs me to kneel on the floor head down on the mat and to spread my ass for him .

I hear him masturbating and I am excited to feel him fuck me , I feel his fingers rubbing my hole , it's like an electric shock of excitement.

Then the cold of lube being liberally applied .

He finger fucks me for a few minutes then I feel him get behind me , my heart is racing .

I feel his coxk rub up and down over my hole .

I am so excited.

He makes me spend the next 5 mins begging for him to fuck me,

As I beg , getting more worked up he teases my hole with a little pressure so I think it's going to happen then eases back.

He has me totally at his mercy , I sound pathetic and desperate.

Please, please fuck me , i need to feel you !

In the middle of one of many sentences like that , I feel the weight and pressure of him as he pushes inside me .

I squeal in delight and pleasure .

He pulls out ,

Please!

" your not warmed up yet "

Disappointment rains through me .

He moves and collects the dildo and a large mirror, he sicks the suction cup on the mirror lays it down Infront of the chair .

He sits back and directs me to the mouth gsg.

I put the ball gag on . He fixes it tight .

He instructs me to ride the dildo to warm myself up for him .

I straddle the dildo , hands on the floor behind me and lower myself onto it , gagging and choking already on the balls gag I bounce up and down riding the dildo , my chastity flapping . Spit and saliver running down over myself .

His sits in the chair masturbating watching me .

This goes on for such a long time , my arms and legs aching and sore , anytime I try to rest I am told to continue .

It's glorious in its humiliation and delightful to see his cock so hard and glistening, as he edges him self to his own real life porn, directing me to move faster, slower, deeper.

He must be able to see my limits in my eyes, as at the point I really think I can't continue.

He allows me to change position and I kneel over the dildo , fucking it slower inside me .

He moves over and removes my gag .

I breathe deeply and easily my body wet with sweat and my own spit .

I gently rock on the dildo and suck his cock.

I am demented with desire , humiliation, lust .

I grab his ass and really suck his wonderful hard cock .

By now I am just a total mess of stimulated submission.

Maybe 2 hours have passed since I arrived.

I am whenever I can openly begging him to fuck me.

He moves away , I am till bouncing on the dildo .

He instructs me to get on to my knees he slides the dildo and mirror away .

He replaces the mouth gag and inserts the butt plug.

He leaves me kneeling gagged and plugged for 30 minutes.

So incredibly frustrating!

Fuck it's so hot , being used is one thing I can sometimes detach myself in the moment, sometimes by choice, sometimes it just happens with the intensity of it all.

But kneeling, alone with my thoughts , emasculated, plugged and drooling it's just so so intense.

That 30 mins is why I am a faggot . All the other stuff is great too, but those moments of shuddering self awareness, used ,horny, controlled denied.

Seeing my Stephen so aroused and horny at what he is doing to me , his reactions to my submission.

It's an incredible feeling.

Stephen returns from his break, he removes my ball gag, offers me a drink 😁.

I gratefully accept and drink a pint of water.

Then we get back to it .

Still plugged i suck and worship his cock for maybe another 30 - 45 mins .

I am sore , achey and tired. it's a lot of work being a faggot.

He uses mouth and edges numerous times .

He instructs me to the position held hours ago and I kneel ass up head on the floor and spread my cheeks for him.

He pulls out the plug , its a relief felt for only a few seconds , i feel a fresh cold squirt of lube and then thé full weight and length of him behind me in one motion .

Fuuuuuuxk !

He holds himself , deep inside me, his weight pushing down on me.

I dont know how long it went on for but god damn he can Fuck!

Slow, fast , deep, shallow i never know what's coming he grinds into me deep and pulses and varies his pounding.

I am in awe of him.

I am at this point I am a shell , completely exhausted and overwhelmed, tired, sore and achy .

He speeds up and I feel his grip and body tighten he stabs his cock into me as he cums 4 or 5 jolts as his orgasm explodes into me.

It's visceral .

He wraps his arms around me and squeezes tight as the last of his orgasm fades.

I am destroyed.

Emotionally and physically. (In a good way😁)

We stay on the floor , for a few minutes as his cock shrinks and slides out of me .

I thank him , he thanks me.

He tells me to put the plug in while I clean up so I don't leak everywhere.

I slide the plug in, and start collecting the toys and towels together.

I put the towels in the laundry and take the toys to the bathroom.

I get in the bath and start to wash the dildo and the gag.

Stephen walks in with my keys and puts them on the counter .

He puts the shower on and gets in the bath with me .

I soap him down and wash him .

I find this extremely degrading I don't really understand why , compared with everything else but it really gets me going .

I wash him and myself , we talk, I ask to remove the plug , and the cage .

He nearly hands me the key... asks if I am thirsty.

"Yes Sir"

(so this doesn't happen very often, mainly due to the admin, but as we were both naked in the bath, I knew exactly the context)

He handed me the keys and watched me unlock .

He instructed me to masturbate, I was very quickly aroused .

I knelt in the bath expectantly and he started to piss over me , in my face and over my body .

I then made sure I swallowed as much as I could as I jerked myself to another orgasm .

As I cum the orgasm pushed the plug out .

The third of it hitting the bath made us both laugh .

I sucked his cock some more.

Then we cleaned up again.

Today was a great day.

A lovely suprise this morning with a last minute message from Stephen to be available at lunch time .

I spent my lunch break , kneeling and edging for him as we discussed his plans for me on Friday.

I have the afternoon off work and he has a free afternoon .

I am to spend the afternoon completely at his service, I so nearly had an accidental discharge in my edging excitement.

I am to prepare myself tomorrow with at least 20 edges and make sure my body hair is removed.

I think he has plans for my ass so I may if I have time remind myself of how it feels with my dildo, so I am ready for him .

We also discussed his big birthday coming up in the summer, he will be 60 .

It will be most enjoyable if I can spend a weekend fully uninterrupted with him as a gift.

These days it's difficult to get such long periods of time together.

#originstory

Continuing from part 2 I was to quickly learn my place and really understand the power dynamic which honestly was already obvious, I was and remained in denial about it.

Not only the existence of it but my absolute need for it .

I had made a promise not to masturbate, which looking back now we both have must know was totally without sincerity.

I got home and almost immediately set to jerking off reliving it , and the next day and the day after .

The humiliation, the feelings of shame at how aroused the submission and humiliation made me

Stephen messaged and asked me if I had been touching myself, I lied easily to him and said no.

He told me not to lie to him, I was offended, he was adamant, and correct as it happend.

I had obviously given him all the information he needed to know there was no way I had not been lost to a world of self pleasure since we had met.

Still trying to defend my lie, he used a weapon that would prove incredibly useful to "manipulate " me.

He said until I told him the truth we would not meet again .

I held out for 5 days, his absence and the fear of it being permanent eventually lead me to complete confession.

He thanked me for my honesty with such grace, and said he really would not tolerate dishonesty ... (I didn't learn for a while to not be completely truthful)

Eventually after 8 days from our previous meeting with me genuinely having a 3 day amnesty from myself.

We met in the woods .

This time, he was all business.

I was told to kneel, he walked up opened his fly , I sucked his cock for 5 mins he had his orgasm, I swallowed.

He said thank you zipped up and left .

I felt so angry , used and pissed off, I had got "nothing" from it.

Before I had got back to my car a message , had appeared .

Never lie to me again , do not touch yourself without my permission , be here tomorrow same time.

Now I was really up against it , I really was angry, but also so fucking aroused at being used like that so blatently, with the "promise" of another meet so soon!

It took all my resolve not to jerk myself senseless , that night but somehow I genuinely did as instructed.

It's odd how proud I was of that, such a simple thing really "don't masturbate" It was a huge achievement for me .

We met again, the next evening.

I was told to strip , I knelt naked Infront of him the excitement obvious, he told me to masturbate but was totally clear that I would not orgasm . I was to stop if I felt it coming.

I stroked myself and it didn't take long 🤣.

This he made me repeat, my edging honestly now I cannot remember but it was many times.

Soon i was begging to cum, i was so horny.

He refused each time .

He took his cock out and started jerking it in my face , I started trying to suck it , he moved it away each time I started begging to suck him , and to cum myself.

I was so desperate to suck his cock , to cum myself I must have looked and sounded as pathetic as I felt . I was close to cumming, then i felt his cum hit my face .

He told me to stop touchimg myself, I was shocked at his cum hitting me in the face it was my first ever facial.

I was straining to cum myself. My cock bouncing up and down denied.

He reminded me never to lie to him and not to touch myself again, without his permission.

He explained as I knelt there he wanted my submission, and he told me I wanted and needed his control .

(he was right obviously)

He told me to dress and leave his cum on my face until I got in my car and could see myself in the mirror .

He told me to meet him same time tomorrow.

I was so horny, humiliated, frustrated.

At that time still naive to the dynamic clearly being layed down, I was still in denial and not fully obedient.

I got in the car and saw my face with his cum on it, I wiped it off into my mouth with my finger , while furiously mastubating myself.

I had an orgasm of such shuddering intensity, and then instantaneous deep regret , shameful regret.

I had immediately been a stupid disobedient selfish loser. It's so obvious looking back how much of a faggot I was, I was so stupid to attempt to deny it, that word hadn't yet been used to describe me.

It's hard to explain the stupidity of masturbating , I had a complete lack of understanding of the importance of obedience for his pleasure, and mine.

I was selfish and disrespectful. The orgasm in the moment obviously was an orgasm but it was tarnished so quickly with guilt and remorse.

He absolutely had me, I still would have denials and doubts but the guilt I felt sat in my car that night was real,and while I would make many more errors of judgement going forward.

I knew then I needed him.

The next night , we met as agreed. I don't know how he knew or if it was a guess but he told me I had cum without permission.

I went red with shame and guilt and immediately apologised and explained what I had done.

He was annoyed, Angry even but most of all he was disappointed.

Fuck even now I can feel how utterly stupid and ashamed I felt explaining my weakness to him.

We had been chatting online, so what came next wasn't out of the blue , he had been laying the groundwork for my submission to him.

Up until now while the dynamic was clear it was casual.

He said he wanted me to be his boy, Only if I gave him complete obedience, he had plans for me we would both enjoy.

He asked me if I wanted to be his boy.

I said I did .

He asked if I was sure !

I was sure .

I begged to be his boy.

I sucked his cock, he cum in my mouth I swallowed and thanked him .

He layed out some rules .

If I can't be trusted. He has no use for me.

If I cannot be trusted not to touch myself he would lock me in chastity, This was a threat I didn't understand at the time, so naive !

He said he wanted complete control , and for me to be his, only his .

I was to be for his pleasure and his pleasure was my pleasure.

He told me to go away and think about it.

Seriously.

I was free to touch myself, to orgasm .

But once committed to him it would be complete submission or nothing.

He left me to think .

Monday .

Basically last week nothing really happened, work and real-life distractions from faggotry.

Having given my schedule to Stephen as per our routine.

I am looking forward to at least one virtual session this week, possibly more dependent on his schedule.

Just knowing I will serve him gives me a warm glue of satisfaction and significant arousal 😁.

Nothing of note happened yesterday, busy with work.

Stephen messaged this morning and disappointingly for me no opportunity to serve in person this week.

Real-time Virtual sessions unlikely too.

He has forbidden my orgasms, with exception for marital duties.

I have no edging schedule for him, either.

This sort of week is not unusual, I cannot say its not disappointing, but I have come to understand the requirements of his time to me aren't his top priority.

These lulls do often follow a week of intensity and if I am honest as much as I feel the loss of the constant urges and service.

It does make me yearn more for it .

Left to my own, I will probably return to Kik to make some random men orgasm, if I have time.

I am not consistent on that platform but have been available to be used for 8 or 9 years.

3 hours of edging this morning while my wife was out.

I wrote the second part of my origin story .

Got incredibly horny doing it.

I do desperately want to get in touch with Stephen, but I have already given him my schedule so must wait for his instructions.

Just detailing ring fenced time for him is exciting to me .

I never know what i will be used for, if at all.

In writing my origin story I do wonder if I have just been manipulated all these years, completely for his pleasure, sometimes it's actually thrilling to think I have been.

Of course while 100% I have been pushed and developed it's all been utterly with my excited consent.

As much as in the past i definitely "blamed" him for what I am . That wasn't true at all.

I love it, being about his pleasure and on his terms. Because of the rewards I get from his pleasure.

#originstory

Following on from part 1

After three months of ignoring Stephen and getting myself back to the point where I wanted/needed to suck his cock again .

Or was it more than that? confusion, and an overwhelming desire within me to deny the truth .

It's difficult looking back now as it seems so incredibly obvious I was getting off on the submission big time.

I can't really explain the denial and ignorance of it.

It also felt wrong to me to be wanting it, I wasn't attracted to men, I had girlfriends.

Anyway I had got back in touch and obviously had to grovel and apologise for ghosting him.

He made me feel incredibly guilty, more than I already felt, it's hard to explain the confusion of wanting it so badly but desperately not wanting it.

We spoke frankly about not getting another chance after this, and that any concerns and worries and desires I had were to be discussed openly and honestly with him in future.

He explained his situation, he was married with 2 kids, he enjoyed being in control. He had found getting his sexual kicks from men easier to manage in terms of their being no chance of it affecting his marriage. There was no chance of him falling in love with another woman.

It was totally transactional as far he he was concerned , oral sex for him. Use and control over me.

He told me how horny it had made him at my excitement for him. This obviously made me feel good !

(looking back now, and with the years that have gone by, he had much more experience than he had let on in those early discussions and he could clearly see then my potential apparently)

I spent a week, in our messages apologising and getting more and more desperate and begging in my desires to make it up to him with my mouth .

I was fixating on it, it became about my desires to suck his cock, to feel the way I felt before.

We fell into a clearer Sub/Dom dynamic in our chats, and I seemingly naturally fell into line, especially as I wanted for my own pleasure at that time to suck his cock again.

I just need to make clear that as much as I was definitely sincere in my submission, it was to serve my own ends , I needed to feel the feelings I had the last time.

I needed to suck his cock for that, as far as I was concerned he was getting a great deal out of it .

These I am certain were my thoughts at the time, I played along but for my own selfish needs.

I genuinely didn't join the dots in my head at all, that my desires and need to suck his cock was completely wrapped in a Submissive desire.

The sub / Dom dynamic, naive or stupid, I was walking willingly into it, but also at that time completely in denial about it.

It was made clear of the one way nature of the situation for any and all meets he would never reciprocate, i was so naïve or ignorant to that blinded by my own désires. I happily accepted.

I was doing him a favour in sucking his cock , and I got to masturbate before it , during it. after it. I didn't care about reciprocal acts so obsessed I was with my own self pleasure.

I was in control.... (Despite a clear power dynamic being set in our conversations and all the evidence showing that I was obviously not)

A week of chatting and multiple orgasms for me in the planning . We arranged to meet in the woods, the same place.

This scenario was just as thrilling and exciting as what I was going to do there. The public nature of it, The whole situation and environment was extremely exciting. Looking back now it seems so unbelievably obvious I was a faggot , so excited I was by the one way nature of the arrangement happily "unwittingly" doing everything asked of me.

This didn't occur to me for a little while yet.. 🤣

Anyway.

I was to wait for him .

I was giddy with exciment . So aroused !

I was early and waiting in the woods for him.

When he arrived.

Calmly and politely he instructed me to undress , it was so exciting to me, I removed all my clothes, shoes and socks. I stood completely naked Infront of him, I felt so incredibly vulnerable and intensely aroused.

I was hard , and went to start stroking myself, he immediately forbid touching. I was upset but did as instructed.

He told me to kneel, hands behind my back.

I knelt before him humiliated , vulnerable and so tantalisingly close to getting his cock in my mouth. Desperate to masturbate myself

A few minutes passed by , he walked around me.

Inspecting me.

Then he asked what I wanted .

I had to repeat multiple times .

"I want to suck your cock ".

Then he asked for list and complete rundown of my sexual history.

I detailed all the girlfriends, I had, how many times I fucked each one, my desires for girls. How many times I had given oral sex, how many times I had received it .

How each relationship had ended, all the details flowing out of me with him patiently questioning me.

He laughed at some of it, asked for great detail for others. He asked why I had such a gap since my last girlfriend. Which I explained (part 1)

I then had to detail my masturbation habits . How often and what I masturbated to.

All the while kneeling naked Infront of him. I was conflicted, it was not what I wanted, It was getting in the way of my powerful need to masturbate so intense was the humiliation of itemising my sex life and desires and of course I wanted to suck his cock.

I had to admire his patience and control (I didn't then by the way I was extremely frustrated) looking back, still now this trait of his own self control and patience is a trait I love and hate, so in awe of it as his faggot now . I am jealous of his self control and enthralled of what it does to me.)

And obviously he was getting what he wanted from me. I hadn't yet and would take a while for me to realise what he wanted was more important than what I wanted .

Then he asked asked why there was no men in my list .

(other than him, from before)

I said I wasn't gay, and didn't find men attractive.

He pretty much bust out laughing and asked what I thought I looked like in that moment.

He asked why I was kneeling naked Infront of him having asked quite desperatly to suck his cock multiple times, clearly aroused by the prospect of it.

I couldn't answer, humiliated by his laughing overwhelmed and hard as fuck!

I was silent , I felt so incredibly stupid and humiliated that I couldn't answer.

Eventually I got out the words .

"Because of how it made me feel last time."

I am not able to accurately portray with words the crushing weight of shame and humiliation having to explain out loud.

How it had made me feel, that I had been masturbating incessantly to those feelings.

He told me to masturbate and explain my feelings.

Finally!!

I jerked myself Infront of him telling him again how ashamed and humiliated and thrilled I had been to suck his cock, the humiliation of kneeling the thrill of the submission to him

He told me to cum .

I almost instantly ejaculated.

It was intense and exciting, thrilling, humiliating doing it on his demand and with him watching.

My orgasm faded .

I was kneeling naked in the woods , full of post orgasm clarity .

the same question .

"what do you want?"

My orgasm finished my desire to suck his cock had significantly faded.

I felt silly , foolish and stupid.

The reality of my situation starkly clashing with my pre orgasm excitement.

The only answer was

"I want to suck your cock "

Good boy.

He opened his trousers.

I sucked his cock , and to his preference, very slow and sensual , kissing , licking, rolling my tongue up and down his shaft .

After the first few minutes of horrifying self consciousness and crippling post orgasm shame the overwhelming humiliation of explaining myself so thoughougly.. my arousal returned.

His hard cock in my mouth, what can only be described as cock worship it felt incredibly rewarding my sensual worship of his cock it's pulsing and twitching the sign of a good job, his praise , his undeniable enjoyment.

I learnt what edging was that evening. Me sucking him to the point of getting my reward only to be told to stop and wait .

Then to begin again.

He nearly had 5 orgasms that night, using my mouth, I was learning valuable lessons about control desire and service.

His cum filled my mouth , I sucked and swallowed it down, I hadn't realised I had been rubbing myself as I sucked him.

He allowed me suck his still sensitive cock as I pumped another body shaking orgasm out of myself.

He thanked me .

I thanked him.

So confused.

So utterly confused.

The intensity of the experience .

It was the best sex I had ever had , and I hadn't had sex . I had cum twice, and had been on my knees for over an hour

So confused.

He told me not to ignore him again . Or this would never happen again .

I promised him .

He told me not to masturbate until we met again .

I promised him . ( I obviously broke this promise almost the moment I got home but we will get to that)

He told me to dress, he watched me struggle up off the floor exhasted and stiff from so long on my knees , I was shaking with excitement, self consciousness and desire!

He left .

I was tingling unlike last time , which was intense for basically being the first time .

This time even my strongest denials couldn't override the obvious.

I was really getting off at the submission.

And the service element, I was jealous, I think of his control and that he so easily used my mouth to cum, but could stop at the point of orgasm, reset and go again .

It was all about him for that entire time. He had completely used me for his pleasure. I loved it .

End of part 2

Writing all this out is extremely intense.

I know my place now, and have completely accepted and embraced it.

Back then these first months and year or so were incredibly difficult. Denials, self denial, self loathing and trying to run away from it .

I am incredibly fortunate that Stephen put up with me , I know now that he really loved observing and being a part of my true self awakening.

Plans don't always go to plan ...

A lovely date night with my wife, but no hint of intimacy, she was tired, I was tired.

No opportunity to serve Stephen he is away with his wife.

I have given him my schedule for next week with the time windows I will be available for him.

Otherwise a quiet weekend spent with my wife and friends being "normal" .

I think I am still getting over my session on Tuesday, I am feeling exhausted mentally and physically from the joy and intensity of the release.

I feel a bit lost, left to my own thoughts and desires.

I am an adult and can function normally, but I do feel a huge loss and feel a hole in these days after a prolonged session.

I am now aware enough not to be too needy towards Stephen and obviously it takes just as much effort on his part controlling his faggot as it does for me.

Down time is important,real-life is important.

Being ignored is important.

My 24 hour edging ban ended.

But trying to resist, date night with my wife tonight so trying to be good in case I get the opportunity to "perform" later.

This will take a bit of explaining....

I don't fuck my wife too often, we kinda got to the point that it was a waste of her time, she didn't really ever get pleasure from it as I cum really fast .

I can give her multiple orgasms with my mouth and often happily go unreciprocated.

That all being said when we do have sex it feels very special and from time to time I can last long enough to make it worth the effort.

I think she does enjoy how satisfied and grateful I am when given the chance .

Anyway Stephen decided a few years ago that whenever I penetrate my wife I owe him my ass...

I obviously give him my ass when ever he decides but he knows I have a difficult relationship with anal sex.

I do enjoy it but it's a selfish trait not to preference it . It's just as rewarding sometimes more, for me to feel him cum inside my ass as it is from when I suck him .

Personaly I guess I just prefer giving oral sex, it's practically much easier to fit in our schedules

Anyway

I obviously have never refused him and may as well get this out there he is the only man to have fucked me .

So with my selfish faggot brain going , if I can penetrate my wife tonight on date night.

I can obviously have a good time , she can have a good time.

As he is wanting to fuck me anyway, I will owe him one .

And maybe keep it to one fuck .

I have to add here that this is my brains working out, Stephen will decide and may well have anticipated my entire plan .

I just read through that.

Think I have explained it badly.

I am proud to be fucked by him, to be desired and used by him . If anything my lack of preference for anal sex makes it more of an intense session when it happens .

We both know it's not my preference, but I give it freely without hesitation. My lack of preference for it probably makes the feelings of submission more powerful and interesting.

I guess it comes from my own desires .

Mostly and definitely not always I feel in control when sucking his cock ( I am obviously not but I feel like I have control of his orgasm )

Anal sex for me is complete surrender I do love it really intensely love the feelings I have afterwards .

I guess sometimes I am just enduring it for him.

Fuck I still don't make any sense.

This is what I mean about contradictions and the influence of the internet and the real world.

The expectations of a faggot to be a one dimensional obedience drone .

I think it's best explained

that when I suck his cock , it feels like mutual pleasure, I get pleasure from suckimg him and the satisfaction of my submission.

When he fucks me I get no pleasure from it other than the satisfaction of my submission.

its a tiny small difference mostly in my own head but it's significant.

#Originstory 1

This will not be comprehensive or complete, there is too much waffle for anyone to be bothered reading .

I also have to rely on my memory, this may be inaccurate and distorted as I have gone through the years.

I think I have always been a deviant, from as soon as I have memories of it and discovered the thing between my legs gave me pleasure I have been pumping it.

So easy now, to find anything you like online, on my own as a young boy naive and "innocent" I didn't understand the many categories, labels and boxes that seem to define the kink space now.

I just really enjoyed masturbation, I think from 12 I was pumping multiple times a day.

It became normal to me, I am sure I have a memory of making myself cum 8 times in one day.

There are some very formative events on a scout camp, looking back now.

The full memory is distorted so I cannot remember how it started , I am pretty sure it wasnt my idea but ..

We played strip poker, and I was losing, I ended up naked , 2 out of the 6 of us were naked .

I was fully erect, with the humiliation and they were laughing and joking about me which I found distressing at the time, I was 14, no one likes getting bullied ..

Except maybe I did ?.

We played multiple games of stip poker, I didn't always get erect when naked in front of the other boys but those feelings of self consciousness and humiliation were so strong, looking back now, I guess every one would have those feelings.

But not every one would be aroused by them.

I masturbated to the emotions of those gsmes for months alone in my room afterwards, fantasies of all kinds rushing through my head.

But back then I was definitely very confused with a mountain of denial about it .

There are so many things that now, I look back were the building blocks for my current situation.

I feel I should not rush though it, just for my own sake in writing this down especially the early stuff.

it's weird that you can carry a memory and an experience through your life but not realise at the time, but even years after what the impact was .

The next very formative event occurred in the same year before I was 15. It's hard to imagine this being a real thing nowadays.

Before the internet, porn was in magazines and videos you had to buy .

One of my good friends at the time found a porn mag thrown away in some bushes, we looked through it and some of the pages were stuck together.

We laughed that it was cum, my memory here doesn't allow me to find who's idea it was, I genuinely can't get to it but we mastubated together over the pages.

I honestly don't know now if It was my idea or not but I remember wanting to see his cock and how I compared (I was smaller) .

We both ejaculated over the magazine and threw it back in the bush.

I couldn't get it out of my head and went back for it a few days later. I am not sure if I would have but I wanted to lick it, again not sure where that desire originated but it did.

It wasn't there , but from that day I started eating my own cum after I masturbated.

(This become so normal to me that years later when CEI (cum eating instructions) were all over the place I didn't get it 🤣 . So normal to me was it to eat my cum )

So those things happened. .

Then I got a girlfriend.

Obviously that was excellent but for this story not relevant other than I discovered oral sex, and that I on average I would cum pretty quickly during sex.

This would be a reoccurring "issue" with all my relationships with women, I think it's probably down to excessive masturbation but it's been a constant in my sex life so maybe not, I don't really know.

From the age of 15 - 20 I would say I was extremely vanilla I had various girlfriends on and off.

My previous experiences seemingly forgotten, I lusted over women and girls.

I then had a particularlly brutal break up with a girlfriend which blindsided me completely, she had been fucking one of my best friends, and she took great delight in telling me how utterly useless a fuck I was and that on numerous occasions, I had had sloppy seconds and with my preferences of going down on her had almost certainly eaten his cum from her .

Now then .

At the time this was utterly devastating to me on every measure I took it badly, very badly.

Not only had she devastatingly took apart my sexual competency, my friend also hugely fucked me over.

I was heartbroken and retreated to masturbation and weed.

This is where it gets complicated because I'm the midst of my funk and working out the timelines to check if she was being a bitch or trutful .

Things slotted into place that I had indeed certainly fucked and eaten her pussy after he had been there first .

On multiple occasions.

It went unnoticed to me because I would go down on her after I had cum inside, this act seemed not unusual to me, I would usually cum pretty quickly so going down on her was to make sure I made her cum, the fact my cum was there was irrelevant to me so used to eating my own cum as I was .

She had thought it weird as fuck at the time, she took delight in telling me at the breakup.

I had been a cuckold, unknown at the time but now alone and masturbating it made me so horny , my porn habits went in this direction and its not a small leap in my mind from eating your own cum to wanting to try other cum.

This is where another contradictory thing occurs and is still true now. I don't find men attractive , at all .

But I became fixated on sucking a cock .

I didn't have a girlfriend any more and she had made it clear I was useless.

Cuckold porn had shown I could be sexually active without needing to perform .

I love giving oral sex to women .. what's the difference?!

Long story short it took 2 years to stop masturbating about it and actually set it up .

I have to admit to being a no show on 3 occasions, having orgasmed at the set up and got cold feet ( 3 times ! I am so fuxking sorry to those guys )

The first guy I actually arrived to meet was a no show , I waited in the woods and he didn't show .

Karma is Inescapable.

3 months later I tried again .

And unknown to me then it would profoundly change my life .

I met Stephen.

I was 22 he was 38 .

We met on a website called plenty of fish , we had chatted for maybe 4 weeks . By this point I was resolved to getting it done so I could move on (ha if only i knew)

Anyway he had explained to me he was married and discretion was imperative. He enjoyed the power exchange of having unreciprocated sex acts with men . I was honest (always a winner) and said it was my first time, I was interested in sucking a cock and I was quite happy playing with myself.

Unreciprocated sex ... The only hint looking back now at a Dom/sub dynamic, I had not payed much attention to it , so wrapped up in my own desires for the situation.

He was very attracted to my nervousness and that he would be my first.

Anyway .

We met in a car park I was extremely flustered and nervous, he was cool calm and collected, with an easy manner lead me to the woods and once we were private .

Calmly and politely took control and guided me through sucking his cock .

It's funny I didn't realise at the time how easily I just followed exactly what he said and wanted, but I just did .

I lowered my trousers and took off my t-shirt and knelt down Infront of him, naked exposed and feeling the exhilaration of something long fantasised over about to happen.

Adrenaline absolutly pounding through me so incredibly aroused. Kneeling Infront of him I started jerking myself.

He watched me for a minute or so then opened his trousers and lowered them to his knees, he put his hands on my shoulders and I took his cock in my hands and played with it, jerking him and myself.

I stroked myself and his cock and then moved my head to his cock and took his cock in my mouth.

Another rush of adrenaline and excitement

I don't know what I expected but with his cock in my mouth, tongue rolling around it and sucking on it , I was very very self conscious of not doing it right .

He mostly left me to discover my own way around sucking ,but if I did something he liked he said "good boy"

He was rock hard , and I tasted precum, I ejaculated, shaking, soon after I felt his orgasm and his cum flooded my mouth , it felt incredible to feel it twitch and spray in my mouth. Salty and creamy. I was obviously used to the taste of my own , his was very different.

But more than that, his orgasm was undeniable.

I had made him cum, without any doubt.

Almost instantly I was overwhelmed, delight , fear, shame , regret.

My post orgasm clarity sending mixed signals .

He thanked me , and said I was pretty good for a first timer , I felt proud .

He pulled his trousers up and left me there.

Mission accomplished I was absolutely thrilled and devastated it's hard now looking back to explain the joy and trauma of that night.

A significant development had occurred, I was a cocksucker. I felt used , as much as I had got exactly what I wanted.

I had loved it but I wasn't gay, I didn't fancy men or find them attractive. I was extremely confused.

I went home and brushed my teeth and rinsed with mouthwash over and over again , consumed with regret and shame.

Fantasy had become real . I think I knew then it was significant but it's hard to explain the real complexity of my emotions and feelings back then.

I did what stupid faggots do .

I denied , I denied and I denied and tried to run away from it.

But in classic contradictory fashion I used all those complex emotions of humiliation, shame, excitement and delight of being a cock sucker.

To masturbate myself relentlessly.

I have to admit to being very selfish in all my early interactions with men, online.

It's a miracle Stephen put up with me in that first year.

I blanked him cleanly, ignoring all his messages for 3 months .

Over that time, the desire to refresh my memoriee and feelings for my own pleasure grew into me groveling back to Stephen to meet me again.

End for now

I will do another post otherwise this will get too long

#originstory