(This poem was written in 2024 and is outdated as a result but Iâm still sharing because yeah)
I was sat with my mum in her car.
We were pulled up at the driveway,
And the dark of the night hid my face as I weeped in her arms.
My brain yelled at me like never before
A mixture of warnings it had already threatened me with
And a desperate pleading for help
And amongst the chaos of my mind
On that October 15th I spoke aloud for the first time to another person
The way Iâd give into my most self hating urges
Did the unthinkable to my body because it was the only thing I could think of to make myself feel happy again.
Itâs a miracle my mum heard me at all.
I waited for her to yell,
But instead she held me in her arms.
And, her voice calm as ever, asked me to promise to not do it again.
But with the urges so strong I didnât think Iâd last a week.
Hands trapped underneath my legs so that I wouldnât be a danger to myself.
And decorating my arms with highlighters instead of scratches or bruises
I was proud of myself for the progress but
What was that progress when the urges still consumed my brain if even a little thing went wrong?
I cried myself to sleep that night and wondered
Or had I ruined myself just that much?
On October 15th 2021 and 2022
I bought myself a chocolate cupcake in celebration.
The cupcake came in a pack of two
But I shared it with no one
Just like secret of what I used to do
It was 3 years clean and 3 years since talking about it.
Even with the occasional itch of my arm
The lead up wasâŚcalmer.
Not cured but improving and all on my own
The sweet chocolate taste in my mouth was a simple but needed reminder that in only 3 years
Iâd gone from thinking I deserved pain and misery,
To thinking I deserve to smile and mean it.
I wasnât as worthless as my darkest thoughts believed.
No urges flooding my brain
No high lighter filling my arm
No instead I shared a chocolate cupcake, from that packet of 2 with my partner
The only person I was brave enough to share my secret with.
It hadnât been a planned confession
In fact I shook and sobbed as I spoke it
But we toasted the cakes and stood at the train station with the sweet taste of chocolate and pride in my mouth
And when I got home I wrapped my arms around myself just like I used to
And hoped that hug would reach a younger me
One asking if they were just too ruined
And whispering to her no youâre not
Youâre not ruined at all
And I am here speaking this poem because you let me even when your mind begged you not to.
So hereâs to another October 15th
And the chocolate that reminds me that things can get better.
Sometimes it just takes time.