Que Sera Sera!

I’ve spent most of my life and most of my friendships holding my breath and hoping that when people get close enough they won’t leave, and fearing that it’s a matter of time before they figure me out and go.

A girl who has lived through trauma has lived through a situation where her body, her mind, her self was not her own. Where she felt disjointed, ripped from her self, safety, and sanity. It was a moment, an experience, a something where her trust was smashed, her worth was gone and all there was was pain.

صباحُ الخير

“Feel it. The thing that you don’t want to feel. Feel it, and be free.”

I love characters that have never been loved before experiencing it for the first time. They're taken aback by softness. They're confused by warm words and being cared for. They're almost scared by the loving way they're looked at. Fleeting tender touches send them reeling. Their heart almost feel like it's going to burst. What does it mean? All they know is they don't feel as though they deserve that, even if they reciprocate. It's been proven time again that they're unlovable and yet...

أعتذر لكلّ شخصٍ كنت سبب في أن يشعر بغصّة في قلبه، يشهد الله ما أردت إلا أن أمضي في هذه الدنيا كمثل ريح خفيف لا يضرّ ولا يهلك، ويشهد الله أني أضعف كثيرًا من أن أنوي ذلك.. أرجو من كل من يرى بي السوء أن يتيقّن بكوني بشر أخطئ وتذلّ قدمي، فالتمس لي عذرًا لعلّي كنت في وادٍ غير واديك.

“I wanted to be physically erased and start over again. I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t want to be there. I guess I wanted to be nowhere, I wanted to listen to my brain talk inside of nothingness. I wanted to be untouchable and have no need.”