You like sleeping?Me too! We should do it together

him? asleep at 9pm? jeon jungkook? it can’t be, but you’d be delighted to finally see him resting early if it was real.

and so, spurred by that tiny glimmer of hope, you carefully crack the bedroom door open, as if you’re fifteen again and you just came back from sneaking out of the house.

but you’re grown now; you live in a building with complete strangers for neighbors. you just got home from work, and you’re no longer used to sleeping alone because you share the bed with another person.

you find it empty. devoid of any creases, sign of life. as neat as a hotel room’s make believe that no one lived there until two hours prior.

the disappointment weighs down on your shoulders, causing them to drop.

he didn’t tell you he was going somewhere else after practice, you think to yourself as your lips permanently shape into a pout. what happened to going out with you for dinner?

agreeing, your empty stomach grumbles angrily.

maybe he got caught up at work. maybe he’s on his way home. maybe he’s on his way to the restaurant and he’s about to text you to come over. maybe he forgot about your plans and he’s having dinner with somebody else.

whatever the reason is, you’re too lazy and tired to whip up something edible on your own. with or without him, you’re going out and you’re stuffing your mouth full with rice and meat. after all, autumn is here, your dear old friend.

in search for a coat that will accompany you in your late-night stroll, you enter the walk-in closet and flip on the lightswitch.

you can count them with just your fingers— the amount of times you’ve felt this type of fear. absent eyes, melting spine, chills running to the top of your head down to your fingertips, mind racing with an overload of thoughts (it appears as a blank page, the same way that white is the presence of all colors of visible light). this fear… you associate it with impulsive mistakes, fire, police and ambulance sirens, and… empty closets.

jungkook’s side of the closet is empty.

clothes. shoes. bucket hats. beanies. belts. everything. gone.

but the floor is scattered with random pieces of clothing that look like they accidentally fell while someone was in a rush to pack them all in a bag. so in a rush that they didn’t even bother to pick them up.

your weak knees almost give way, but you force yourself to stumble backwards until your back hits the doorframe— you refuse to let yourself look like you’ve been carelessly discarded too.

not again. not again. not this goddamn vicious curse you thought you’ve already broken out of. not. again.

you blink away the tears threatening to spill as you scramble to open the zipper of your bag, but they spill anyway when your shoes clatter to the floor. you flinch at the thunderous sound, clutching your phone tightly against your chest. you keep your eyes closed throughout the defeaning silence that comes after.

the empty space mocks you. it knows your intricate design was not meant to live in an empty home.

you guess nothing much has changed. you’re still afraid of jungkook and his power to take away the sun, just as he did before, and you deeply despise being afraid. you don’t like it when the walls are closing in on you, poisoning your mind into believing that you’re small when the heart inside your chest burns with a fire brighter than that of the damn sun.

anyone would be foolish to leave you; it’s only jungkook who could have you mourning the death of the garden you’ve given the past five years of your life to.

—

jungkook returns to the apartment half an hour later. despite the long, grueling hours of dance practice he nearly didn’t survive, the excitement vibrating through his body is manifested through the lightness of his movements. he’s finally seeing his lover for the first time today… awake.

when he brought his natural body warmth along with him to the bathroom this morning, you sunk yourself further into mattress, beneath the thick blankets and against the soft pillows. by the time he had to give you your obligatory goodbye kiss before he leaves for work (or else you’d sulk about it for the rest of the week), half of your face has been hidden from sight. he was only able to press a loving kiss on your forehead, and then your eyelids that were fluttering as you dreamt.

night time comes and he is still deprived of the sight of your beautiful face? he somberly wonders as he finds you slumped over the dining table; he swears that there is a dark rain cloud hovering above you. your arms are thrown over the hardwood as they serve as a makeshift pillow for your vessel— his little firefly curiously bleak.

“baby? are you sick?” he asks, voice dripping with concern as he tenderly rubs your back.

the legs of the chair screeches against the tiled floor, neglectedly pushed behind.

“kook?” you manage to choke out, frantically sitting up once your muddled brain registered the familiarity of his touch on your bare skin.

his heart drops to his stomach as your tear-stained face comes into view. this isn’t how he envisioned your greeting; it usually came in the form of a bright light not harsh as the sunlight, a softness that begs to be held.

“are you crying?!”

your reply only comes out as a pitiful whimper. he stumbles a step backwards when you unceremoniously jump into his embrace, wrapping your arms over his shoulders. he gets a whiff of your sweet perfume, and then it becomes the air that he breathes, but he doesn’t have much time to revel in it.

“baby!”

he squeezes your waist taut against his body, affectionately nosing at your cheek before giving you a kiss. “did something happen? tell me- tell me.”

“jungkook,” your voice cracks as you utter his name, sounding almost like a plea, and then an endless string of heartbreaking sobs comes out muffled against his shirt. “where have you been?”

this sends him into a state of panic. seeing you in pain— it’s his biggest weakness. after all, you are his achilles’ heel.

“why? why, why, why?” you’re weak and pliant as he pulls your arms down, collapsing against his chest when he envelopes you in his embrace. he cradles your head in his palm, soothing you with gentle pats and shushes. “shh, shhh- it’s okay, i’m here now. everything’s okay, you hear me?”

his efforts prove to be fruitless, because you only seem to cry harder as he slowly rocks your bodies back and forth.

you shake your head, hands attempting to hold on to the back of his shirt to regain sensation in your limbs, but they miserably fail and fall on the sides of his hips.

“talk to me… please, mhmm?“ he hums quietly, pressing his soft lips to your temple. “tell me what’s wrong and your boyfriend will take care of it.”

from your sniffles to your hiccups, you remain unable to form any coherent response, and it leads his imagination to construct the worst possible scenarios. he feels his stomach turn with uneasiness, jaw clenching as he carefully pulls away to meet you eye-to-eye.

“did someone touch you? hurt you?” he spits out with urgency, and the unparalleled care he displays puts you in a daze, simply dumbfounded as he strokes your face. “huh, baby? just tell me and i’ll take care of the rest.”

now that you’re being reminded that jungkook could quite literally kill a person with his bare hands if they ever inflict harm on you, the fog is clearing up and you feel so incredibly… stupid.

but that’s more the reason why it’s difficult not to be sensitive when it comes to him; his absence proves to be lethal.

“shit, you’re scaring me.” he breathes out shakily as he taps your cheek lightly to bring you back to him, the distant look in your eyes triggering the emergency alarms in his head.

he unconsciously licks his lips and he tastes your tears; he doesn’t want anybody else to ever come this close.

“okay, okay- let’s put that aside for now. what do you need? should we go to bed and rest instead?”

“i thought you left,” you whisper as you hang your head in shame.

he blinks at you in confusion. “to where? my flight isn’t until next week, baby.”

fantastic! now you sound like the most dramatic, clingiest bitch to ever grace the planet. you bury your face in your hands to hide the battle zone between your heart and mind, but your boyfriend seizes your wrists because he can’t bear another second of it.

“is-is that why you’re upset…?” he asks with not a trace of malice or ridicule. he is only filled with guilt as it dawns on him then— how you’ve only gotten used to always having him around four years into your relationship, when he was taking a break from work.

the changes in his life are also changes in yours, but they still affect you in many different ways.

“then just come with me. i’ll make it work. maybe we can extend for a bit, spend an entire day by ourselves- there’s a lot of museu-”

“i thought you left,” you repeat yourself, exposed and vulnerable, vision swallowed by the darkness because you can’t make yourself look at him. “your clothes… they’re gone, and i was calling but you… you weren’t answering my calls so i thought…”

“my clothes?” he exclaims, eyes going wide as he realizes that they’ve accidentally slipped from his mind. “ahh, i thought about cleaning the closet while waiting for you so i moved everything to the other room!”

you open your mouth to speak, but much to your chagrin, no words come out. you purse your lips as your chin wobbles— the new wave of tears in your eyes mimic shiny crystals.

“____!”

and at the stern mention of your name, you know that you’re about to receive a (loving) scolding from your boyfriend. your lips curve into a frown before a sob inevitably escapes past them.

“why would you think that? why would i leave you? that doesn’t make sense at all, does it…?”

you shake your head, hugging him so tight, possibly tighter than you’ve ever done before. between your bodies, his heart is being unbearably wrung.

“i’m sorry, baby. seeing you cry like this breaks my heart…” he closes his eyes with a heavy sigh, resting his cheek on the side of your head. “but why would that be the first thing you think of…? i must be doing something wrong, right? have i been too busy with work? am i neglecting you?”

you’re breathless, a little dizzy— bloodshot eyes meeting his that are now gleaming with sadness. “no, it’s not like that! i just panicked, i couldn’t think straight.”

“are you sure?”

he looks at you skeptically, scanning your face.

“baby-” his voice breaks, then he pauses with his gaze still trained on you. “okay, i’m sorry. i… should’ve thought about what cleaning the closet would look like.”

“i was just being stupid.” you give him a small smile, rubbing your eyes to chase away the burning sensation. “sorry for scaring you.”

“stop, you’ll hurt yourself.” he tuts, pushing your wrists aside to cup your face in his hands, much gentler in comparison to your own self. his thumbs draw shapes on your soft skin, and then out of the blue, he curiously squeezes one of the space buns on top of your head. “wow, this is so pretty?”

“huh…? oh, thanks.” you mumble, still feeling out of it.

“this, too.” the white silk ribbon wrapped prettily around your neck, he means, which he hooks a finger on to tug lightly. it matches the lace straps on your shoulders that falls across the underbust of your dress, tied together to form a ribbon in the middle of it. that makes two, so clasically you.

and while it may be partly true that he’s trying to lighten the atmosphere, he just can’t defy the urge to express his admiration for you, even in a situation like this. he’s perpetually love-drunk.

“thank you.” you nod, shyly looking away to sniffle. “but you’re the reason why my makeup is ruined… need to wash it off before we go.”

“you’re beautiful either way, baby.”

“i know.” you scoff. “would you date me for five years if i wasn’t?”

he releases a throaty chuckle, capturing your lips in his with a smile of endearment that he fails to subdue.

“you’re so fucking cute. i love you-” he says with merely an inch of distance between you.

he grunts in melodramatic anguish, overcome by the insensity of his affections overflowing past the brim of his very being, leaning so close that the edge of the table digs into your lower back, surely to leave a temporary mark.

and he carries on to kiss you so many times that you lose count; you can only melt as you collect them in that bottomless pocket located somewhere in your soul, where all the love you’ve received across lifetimes is recorded to prove i was once here.

“i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you. i’m never leaving. you’re stuck with me and bam forever.”

if the time comes that the two of you break up, who would bam come home to? jungkook stubbornly refuses to have that conversation.

however, you still can’t let go of something, and you pout as you shove him lightly. unsurprisingly, his strong build doesn’t budge at all.

“but why didn’t you answer my calls?” at last, you gain enough energy to complain, but your face grows hot as the urge to cry returns. “i mean, what else was i supposed to think?!”

jungkook is struck by yet another lightning.

may the heavens have mercy, he’s been making you angry more than usual lately.

“shit, i forgot. i turned off my phone.” he mutters under his breath, feeling extremely regretful that he was not reachable when you needed him most to be. “i wanted to focus only on you tonight. what do they call it again…? leaving work at work?”

he winces guiltily.

“i’m sorry. maybe it wasn’t a smart idea.”

“no, i like that.” you almost interrupt him from talking because of how fast you are to brush off his apology.

he makes a mental note of it— the way you’re gripping at his shirt in small fists. you’re tense and overwhelmed; you need him to stay close.

“leave work at work. focus on me, and let me be your rest.”

unbeknownst to you, jungkook bites back his tears then. after all this time, he still gets mesmerized by the tenderness that naturally governs your every word and action; he thinks that he needs you more than you need him.

—

“just eat, baby. i’ll cook the meat for us.” jungkook coos at you as he cuts more meat into bite-sized pieces using a pair of kitchen shears.

“okay, then i’ll make sure that you eat.” you grin excitedly, dragging your chair closer to his.

you set down the tongs, grabbing your chopsticks to pick up a cooked piece of pork belly from the grill. you don’t forget to blow on it, mindful of burning his tongue.

of course, you don’t want to hurt him, but it would be especially painful for him as a singer.

“ahhh-” still busy with cooking, jungkook opens wide at your cue, catching the meat in between his teeth.

“rice,” he demands as he chews.

you scoop up rice from your bowl, and he devours it happily as he continues to flip the strips of pork belly lined up across the grill.

“mmhmm, it’s so delicious!” he dramatically says out loud. his eyebrows are knitted together and his legs are bouncing under the table, tell-tale signs of him enjoying the food.

witnessing this kind of reaction, any chef would be happy to slave away in the kitchen to serve him a meal. you recognize it in the smile of the owner after jungkook ordered more side dishes, and the way he dashed through the door to reduce the waiting time.

“yah, feed yourself, too!” jungkook chides you after you feed him meat three times in a row, but with an open palm that catches the juice that drips from the kimchi, you still tap your chopsticks against his lips. he spares it a glance before catching it using his tongue.

“i am!” you then rush to wrap a piece of pork belly in lettuce, dipping it into ssamjang before stuffing it into your mouth.

“good job, baby.” he grins in satisfaction, rubbing your back as praise. this makes you preen. “make sure to eat lots, got it?”

but then you’re back to spoiling him rotten, this time with an egg roll. so far, he has only touched his own chopsticks twice.

“i just told you to eat first!”

you glare at him, pouting. “but you worked so hard practicing today and you haven’t even eaten properly yet.”

he is too busy with work, and it’s not news that you’ve been worried sick about his health. it’s difficult to watch him work himself to the bone, but no one truly has the power to stop jungkook from doing what he wants, sometimes not even himself. and you find it impossible to fault him for it when you know that everything he does is done out of love. from the vigorous vocal and dance lessons, and to the deep cleaning of the apartment because his baby has been developing an allergy to dust.

“you need to make it up to your body. here, please?”

he loves being loved, jungkook thinks to himself as he eats the egg roll whole.

—

you were already prepared to go home after dinner, but your night owl for a boyfriend insisted on going on a walk at the park because he wanted to, and you quote, ‘see you awake for a little while longer,’ or whatever the hell he meant by that.

with his tattooed arm protectively swung over your shoulder, you’re engulfed in a wave of nostalgia. for the first two years of your relationship, before you started living together, you only met with each other at night, save for the very rare day-offs that he got. the only places that are still open after midnight are nightclubs, fastfood chains, convenience stores… and well, parks.

and he would always hold you close like this to make you feel safe, and the rest of you melts away while the side of your ribcage that he is pressed against remains to shelter your heart. on the contrary, you also remember how your bodies used to be so tense. you wanted to sacrifice more sleep and to walk to the other side of the park, of the street, to that other convenience store five blocks away because this one didn’t have the flavor of ice cream you wanted, anything… just… anything so you could be with each other ten minutes more.

and it was cold. it was always cold.

“what do you mean ‘it exploded’?”

“it seriously exploded! it was on fire! that’s why i went out to buy a new extension cord!”

“jungkook, it’s because you plug in too many things at once!” you cry out in frustration, your steps becoming heavy stomps. “i told you to stop doing that!”

“what do you mean? if it has six slots, doesn’t that mean six devices is the maximum?” he continues to stubbornly defend himself, and you can only hang your head in defeat. “otherwise, it’s a scam!”

“it is a scam! see…? they made you buy a ne-”

your sentence is cut short as your tongue gets paralyzed.

a dark and striped, long figure approaching ahead, slithering its across the grass.

your mind immediately registers it as the animal you fear most.

oh, no. no, no, no, no, no.

“jungkook,” you utter his name with a tremble.

the same fear you experienced only two hours ago holds you hostage once more, add all the hair in your body standing up and you’re as frightened as a cat.

“what’s wrong? yah! what are you doing?! baby, ba- fuck!” he sputters out as you forcefully pull him back along with you, displaying a type of strength and agility he doesn’t normally see.

the two of you continue to stumble backwards as you struggle to maintain balance, and somehow jungkook manages to switch your positions so that you’re the one who lands on top him instead of the other way around when you eventually end up as a heap on the soft earth.

he begins to feel his throat closing up at the sight of pure, genuine fear in your eyes.

“jungkook, snake- it’s small bu-”

you interrupt your own sentence with a high-pitched squeal, garnering looks from strangers moving and unmoving. in the blink of an eye, your boyfriend has swept you off your feet as if you’re light as a feather, driven by the instinct to protect the love of his life.

you cover your mouth in shock, your other arm coming up around his neck to keep yourself from falling.

you think you may have fallen for jungkook all over again.

“are you spiderman?”

he was too busy searching for the subject of your fear under dim lights, and so he looks at you in bewilderment to ask, “what was that?”

you shake your head with your wide eyes shining with faux innocence. you squeak. “nothing.”

he releases a sigh, followed by a chuckle of obvious relief and amusement as he squeezes your body closer to plant a kiss on your forehead. “aigoo, my ____! why are you so scared today? what am i going to do with you…? it’s just a worm.”

“are you sure? i swear i saw it raise its head!“

“i’m sure,” he lulls you. “i think worms can do that, too?”

your face twists in an expression of mixed bewilderment and distrust.

“that i’m not sure about, but it’s really just a worm! would i still be standing here if it wasn’t?” he clicks his tongue sharply. “we need to get your eyes rechecked.”

you roll your eyes with a huff. you’ve have had enough of his teasing before it even starts.

“uh?! i’m serious over here!”

this is new— you mean bickering with jungkook in a public place isn’t, but being carried by him like a bride while it happens definitely is.

“fine, i’ll go this weekend. happy?” you fake an obedient smile. “you can put me down now.”

he blinks, and then he adjusts the way he’s holding you to ensure that your dress won’t show what’s for his eyes only— for a split second, you were flying.

“i’ll go with you,”

“okay. now put me down.“ you tap his shoulder repeatedly to prompt him to heed your words. “babe, this is embarrassing!”

“nope,” he ignores your protest with nonchalance as he resumes to walk the path you’re on, evidently enjoying the attention he’s stealing and the way you’re curling yourself smaller to hide.

“oh my god! weren’t you just complaining about your body hurting?!”

“you were scared of me leaving,” he smiles, glancing down at you. “so now i’m gluing you to myself.”

that made you quiet for a while. inside your tote, the container of kimchi, wrapped in a plastic bag, rattles with his every stride. you noticed that jungkook loved it so much, so you ordered it to go when he went to the bathroom before you were to leave the restaurant.

“you know, we used to just hold hands,” you mumble with a childish pout. “like normal people?”

“this is very normal,” he argues.

the scenery becomes more familiar as he takes the long way home.

“some would even say romantic.”

a wave of nostalgia hits, and you visibly shiver.

you don’t know if he would remember, but he has said the same exact words once before.

you scrunch your nose, supposedly to give him a look of disgust, but a giddy smile betrays you. you are five years younger again, and the night ends with the moon bidding you an adieu.

—

taglist in the reblogs! send an ask/dm if you want to be added (or removed) :D

WARNING: this is the second part of this fic. Please read part 1 here.

It’s around midnight when the front door opens. Startled, you pull from your reverie and lower your paintbrush.

The canvas is darker than before. Colors and feelings entwine, creating a contrast against the light background. Exhaling, you sit back on the stool to examine. Pride fills your lungs despite the half-finished state. It’s good, but not great and that’s okay.

Only a few days prior, you would have been too scared to start. Afraid of the worst, you couldn’t release the barest hint of magic. You feared that, once begun, it would be hard to pull back. Now, you consider the opposite. Maybe by containing yourself, you exacerbated the problem.

A throat clears from the hallway, a mirror to a prior memory.

Whirling around, you nearly knock over the canvas. Seokjin’s eyes widen, though you steady the painting fast. Glancing over your shoulder, you notice Seokjin seems tired. Heavy shadows line the skin beneath his eyes.

“Painting again?” he muses.

Slowly, you nod. “Starting to.”

Pushing himself off the door, Seokjin comes closer. “I like it,” he declares. “You’ve always been great, but this… this feels more honest.”

Following his gaze, you attempt to see the work from his perspective. You suppose that he’s right, but don’t have time to dissect why that would be.

“What’s up?” you ask, turning back again. “You were out late.”

Seokjin pauses, considering. “Yeah. Decided to answer a call myself. Laundromat over on 8th – you know it?”

Immediately, you stiffen. That was your laundromat from earlier; the one you flooded and now, you’re entirely too conscious of having left your hamper at the front door.

Seokjin lifts an eyebrow.

Last year, his parents retired, bequeathing to him a magical consulting business. He employs mainly Elementals, contracting them to clean up situations. Sometimes said situations are caused by Elementals and other times, they’re natural. For example, a fire Elemental could be called to heat a building without power in a snowstorm.

Or possibly, one might request an air Elemental to dry out a flood.

“I know that place,” you say at last. “What happened?”

“Couple of pipes burst. Flooded the lower level. Most of the water had drained by the time I got there, but they needed help drying equipment.”

You deflate a little. “Oh. Glad you could help.”

“Mhm.” Seokjin tilts his head. “Your ex-boyfriend was there.”

“Oh?” you manage to squeak.

“Yup.” He pops the p. “Until I saw him, I assumed it was an accident. But then your ex-boyfriend was there, and I came here and saw your laundry by our door. Is there something you wanted to tell me, Y/N?”

“Ugh,” you groan, covering your face with both hands. “Fine, yes – it was me. I had to use a different laundromat, but then Jungkook showed up and we fought and I just – lost control. I was going to fix this,” you insist, lowering your hands. “As soon as I could figure out how, but then there were sirens and I –”

“Whoa, Y/N – whoa.” Crossing the room, Seokjin grabs a chair to sit backwards. “I’m not blaming you, to be clear. Everyone loses control of their powers occasionally. Hell, if I had a nickel for every person I wind-shoved into a door.”

You blink. “That’s uh, oddly specific.”

“And true.” His smile is rueful. “Listen. I want to know if you did it because I want to make sure you’re alright. No other reason.”

Some of your tension drains. “Oh. That’s… nice of you.”

He looks at you strangely. “That’s what friends do, Y/N. They help each other. What, did you think I’d turn you in or something?”

Your lack of response must be obvious since Seokjin goes unnaturally quiet. Having it said out loud sounds silly but yes, that’s exactly what your mom raised you to think. Wreaking havoc of any kind – but especially magical – would always have consequences.

“Look.” Seokjin’s tone softens. “I know it’s scary. Our powers are strong and if we don’t control them, they tend to control us. But pretending magic doesn’t exist doesn’t make it disappear. It just means when things do happen, it’s unpredictable.”

“I don’t want this,” you sigh, the words spilling out. “I don’t want to always be scared, always terrified of losing control. I don’t want to hurt other people or push them away. Everything would be better if I were just normal.”

“Would it?” Seokjin muses. “In everything you just said, you never said you didn’t want magic.”

This leaves you silent since Seokjin is right.

In all your concern about hurting other people and wishing you weren’t afraid you’ve never once resented your magic itself. Sure, you want to be normal but normal for you means living without fear. Not living without magic.

“I… guess you’re right,” you murmur. “I hadn’t thought about that before.”

Seokjin nods. “I can’t even begin to imagine what it was like for you, growing up. It’s hard for non-Elementals to understand our powers. Especially when you’re a kid.”

“It was,” you admit, glancing down.

Even now, admitting this feels like a betrayal because your mom tried her best. But maybe sometimes, trying your best isn’t the same as being what you need. While the intentions were good, the damage continues to live with you to this day.

“Suppressing a piece of yourself is never the answer,” Seokjin adds.

Your jaw tightens. “That’s easy for you to say,” you say, looking up. “You have two wonderful parents who support you. Your magic comes to you second nature. You rarely seem bothered by anything, let alone by your power.”

Lowly, Seokjin laughs. Dark hair falls into his face, leaning forward. “In control?” he scoffs. “Y/N. Just because I’m easy-going doesn’t mean everything is all good in here,” he says, tapping the side of his head. “I’m bothered by a lot of things, and magic is never easy.”

“Oh, yeah?” you shoot back. “When’s the last time you lost control, then?”

“Last month,” he says, automatic. “I drove to my parents’ place, got stuck in traffic and someone rear-ended me. I was so mad I summoned wind and slammed them into the next lane of traffic. Luckily, they weren’t hurt. Badly.”

You stare at him, open-mouthed.

“There was also this time last year,” Seokjin adds, undeterred. “I had a shit day, went to a bar after work. I was drinking alone, and one guy was harassing every woman in the place. He wouldn’t leave this one person alone, and I snapped. Blew a door open into his face. Guy needed five stitches.”

“I… I didn’t know all that.”

“I don’t usually tell people.” Seokjin sits back, slightly amused. “Personal flaws are terrible conversation starters. Those weren’t even the most embarrassing,” he warns. “The first time I had sex, I came so hard I made a mini tornado in the house. It woke up her entire family, who kicked me out with no pants.”

You try – and fail – to keep your lips from twitching. “Seokjin, that’s… awful.”

He laughs. “I got better at controlling it, alright? Just like you will. The threat is always there though,” he warns, his smile diminishing. “It’s like how, when you’re mad, sometimes you feel this undeniable need to punch someone. Occasionally, the urge wins, and you do punch someone. Magic is just another instinct, like that.”

“An instinct,” you murmur, turning this over in your mind.

Your magic has always reacted to your strongest emotions. Times when you felt angry or sad or – your cheeks heat – ecstatic with joy. Like with Jungkook.

“I don’t know what to do,” you admit softly. “I broke up with Jungkook, but that was a mistake. I love him. I want to be with him. But…”

“But you’re scared that you’ll hurt him.”

“Yeah.” You hesitate. “And I’m scared I’ll be hurt by him, if that makes sense.”

Seokjin nods. “It does. In college…” He pauses, as though debating whether to say the next part. “When I was in college, I had a girlfriend who didn’t know what I was. It was after the whole virginity-loss incident, and I was stubbornly pretending not to have magic.”

Your eyes widen. You didn’t know Seokjin went through a similar phase to you but then again, you suppose you don’t know much about him as an Elemental. Purposefully, you never wanted to open that door in case it led back to you.

“Pretending only works for so long, though.” His lips twist. “When I finally told her, she was scared. But… she promised me she loved me, and that we’d get through it.”

“What happened?”

“She started pulling away. Said she was busy studying and one night, I caught her making out with a friend. In some ways, it was a relief. But… I get what you mean.” Seokjin exhales. “Some people don’t want to understand, and you can’t make them.”

“I don’t think Jungkook is like that.”

“I don’t either.” Seokjin pauses. “He waited a long time at the laundromat, you know. He was there when I arrived, and he seemed… I don’t know. I asked all the standard questions, and when I asked if there was an Elemental, Jungkook was adamant there wasn’t. To the point where it seemed weird. Are you sure he doesn’t know what you are, Y/N?”

“I… don’t think so,” you say, your eyes wide. “Not unless he found out somehow. And if so, I don’t know why he wouldn’t tell me.”

Seokjin clucks his tongue. “I guess he could say the same about you.” Smiling slightly, he pushes himself to stand. “Anyways, I wanted to let you know what happened and say I’m here if you need anything.”

Nodding, you prepare to brush this off as usual when something gives you pause.

Before, denial would have been your go-to. Avoiding responsibility and telling yourself that next time, you’d do better. Next time, you’d be stronger, but ultimately, nothing would change. Maybe it’s time to admit that it doesn't work. To acknowledge that if you really want change, you must take the first step.

The problem with ignoring emotions is they don’t disappear. All they do is hide, biding their time until you’re at your weakest to pounce. You’re so tired of living with fear.

Tired of pushing others away and calling it selfless. Most of all, you’re tired of living without Jungkook.

“I’d like that,” you admit. “If you have any resources to recommend…?”

Seokjin stares at you, stunned. “God, yes,” he says, shaking his head. “Wow – I never thought this day would come. Okay, so, first things first, we need to get you in class. Other Elementals learn to control their magic. They’ll help with coping mechanisms, teach you to release your energy and channel emotions. Oh!” He straightens. “And you should really find a therapist who specializes in magic. I can give the name of mine, but that might be a conflict.”

“Whoa – whoa,” you laugh, holding up both hands. “All of this sounds good, but maybe one step at a time?”

“Noted.” Seokjin turns to leave. “Let’s talk more tomorrow. Whatever you need, Y/N – that’s what friends are for.”

Warmth fills your chest, and you manage a nod. That hasn’t necessarily been your experience but slowly, you’re beginning to trust what he says. What Jungkook said in the past, asking you to trust him.

Cleaning your brushes, you cover the half-finished art and follow Seokjin into the hall. Before long, you’re in your own bed, staring up at your ceiling. It’s difficult to sleep, multiple realizations from the day coursing through your mind.

Tonight, Seokjin provided more love than you ever had growing up. Well – he provided greater understanding. Although your mom loves you, her love turned to fear instead of the help you craved. Important, because you now understand how deeply your magic is ingrained.

It’s something you spent a long time ignoring. And though you know your mom loves you, she doesn’t love your magic – which means she doesn’t love all of you. This realization hurts more than you’d care to admit.

Turning into your pillow, you bury your face as the tears come. Sadness radiates from the same place inside you where there once was a dam. Uncertain, you reach out and brush this with your consciousness. After a moment of hesitation, you absorb it. The pain becomes part of you; not in a bad way, but in a way that’s new and unnerving.

Lifting your head, you tentatively reach out and gather the tears. They form a sphere in mid-air, crystalline and pure. Wide-eyed, you remember your father doing the same. Whenever you would cry, he’d save your tears in case you wanted them later. Facing and learning to use your emotion is important, he often said.

This memory urges the tears to fall harder, turning back to your pillow. When you finally drift into sleep, it feels as though a weight has been lifted from your chest. For once, you don’t feel divided against yourself. For once, you fall asleep without fear of what tomorrow might bring.

Saturday morning, you wake up earlier than normal. Groping for your phone on the bedside table, you blearily open a chat to Jungkook’s name. His last text was on Sunday and, after rereading this several times, you wearily lower your phone. Tossing aside your covers, you pad into your bathroom and brush your teeth.

Some things can’t be fixed overnight. You need to think before reapproaching Jungkook, to consider what to say so he’ll understand. Or maybe he won’t. The thought of this very real possibility makes your heart twist, though you ignore it the best you can to get dressed.

After breakfast, you bring your dishes to the sink and stare at the faucet. Before, you would have avoided anything to do with magic, but now…

With a deep breath, you reach inward and extend a tendril of magic. The water responds, slowly at first and then, all at once. The dishes begin washing themselves, lifting a sponge to get themselves soapy.

Seokjin wanders out of his room, bleary-eyed. Walking right past you, he plods to the coffee pot and grabs a new filter.

“If you break more of my dishes, you should just get me a new set,” he mumbles.

Grin widening, you finish the dishes and put them away by hand. It’s intoxicating to use magic and have nothing bad happen. You almost forgot what that felt like. A small step, but to you, it was once insurmountable. Knowing this grants the courage to make other decisions.

Dressing quickly for the day, you walk out of your bedroom. “Did I tell you I went into an art store on Thursday?” you ask Seokjin, seated at the kitchen table.

He yawns. “That’s nice.”

“They wanted me to teach an art class.”

Abruptly, he sets down his mug. “Wait, seriously?” Seokjin’s eyes widen. “You should do that!”

“I plan to. Well.” You hesitate. “I wasn’t going to, but now I am. I think I’ll head there this morning.”

Seokjin nods, although something uncertain drifts across his face. Toying with the edge of his mug, he seems to be thinking. Waiting for whatever comes next, you rummage through your purse for your phone.

At last, he exhales. “That’s good. But…”

“But?”

“I just… don’t want you to be discouraged if this takes a while, Y/N. Changing your entire outlook on magic won’t be easy.”

Your fingers pause, and slowly, you close your bag. “What do you mean?”

“I mean progress isn’t always linear.” Seokjin’s frown deepens. “You’re going to backslide. That’s kind of inevitable. Even the most talented Elemental has times when they slip. If – or should I say when – that happens, I don’t want you giving up.”

Seokjin’s utter sincerity lessens the sting of his words. You can see the truth in this logic, even if it scares you. Part of you continues to wish for a magic solution.

 “Thanks,” you respond. “I appreciate that, Seokjin.”

“Anytime.” He lifts his mug. “Now, go get that job so you can pay rent.”

“I knew you weren’t that generous,” you call as you leave the apartment.

Seokjin’s laughter is cut off by the elevator doors. Your walk to the train station is short, as is the train ride. Creative Courage is in the opposite direction of Jungkook’s apartment, but close enough that you can still smell the harbor as you walk.

Ascending the steps of the subway, it’s hard not to recall the first time you met Jungkook.

Three months ago, it was a muddled spring day. The type of day when the weather can’t make up its mind and a tank top or sweater might be equally needed. For once, the rain wasn’t your fault and you stood on the train platform, drenched at having been caught without an umbrella.

Jungkook stood on the opposite platform, parallel lines of train tracks between you. You were mostly alone – a situation which would typically put you on edge, but that day, it meant you noticed Jungkook sooner.

He stood near the edge, closer than you ever would. Giant, over-ear headphones rested over his head, which bobbed absent-mindedly to the beat. You had noticed him before that, nearly as soon as he cleared the turnstile.

Jungkook wore his hair longer then, pulled into a bun at the base of his head. His hands were chapped; he blew on them intermittently before stuffing them in his pockets. Cheeks red with cold, he glanced up and his gaze snagged upon yours.

Later, he said it felt as though the world stopped. You could corroborate. There was something about his gaze, intense and sincere, that robbed you of rational thought. A train roared between you, shaking the platforms and your stomach dropped.

By the time the train left, you assumed Jungkook would board, and the moment would end. Relegated to nothing more than a shared look between strangers. A what-if, not a has-been.

But then the train pulled away, and Jungkook remained. Lips parted, you stared while he jerked a single thumb over one shoulder. Eyes bright, Jungkook cupped both hands over his mouth.

“Want to get coffee?” he yelled across the tracks.

Uncertain who he was talking to, you glanced around and found the place empty. When you turned around, both eyebrows were raised. Already, you weren’t a spontaneous person and by now, you usually would have said no, but –

“Yes!” you called out. “Meet at the entrance?”

Jungkook nodded, his grin widening – if possible – as he spun around. You watched him sprint for the exit, taking the escalator two steps at a time. Ducking your head, you followed a similar route on your side of the tracks.

Riding the escalator, insecurities reared their ugly heads. What if you were mistaken about his intentions, what if you dropped something, or what if he wasn’t attractive as you remembered – but then, all this faded as he came into view.

The hour was dusk, with one or two street lamps penetrating the darkness. Jungkook emerged from his escalator, lit from behind, and some of your worries quieted. When he waved, slightly awkward, you couldn’t help but smile. Despite the multiple piercings, he somehow looked soft. He was also ridiculously, insanely beautiful and your hands itched to paint him.

Exiting the subway this morning, you attempt to refocus. It’ll do you no good to reminisce about Jungkook before Creative Courage. First, you get a job. Then, you learn to control your magic. Then you can beg for Jungkook’s forgiveness.

Maybe with some wiggle room in that order. Heading towards the art shop, you fish your phone from your pocket and scroll to his name. Stopping abruptly, you stare at Jungkook’s thread, bold with an unread text.

Your fingers hover a moment before pressing open.

Jungkook: I think you left one of your shirts at the laundromat. It was on the floor, I found it after you left [11:09 AM]

Clutching your phone tightly, you reread the message. Jungkook has a piece of your clothes. He has a piece of your clothes and is reaching out. Trying not to read too much into this, you text back.

Y/N: Oh, no! Thanks for grabbing. Can I stop by sometime to pick it up? [11:15 AM]

Y/N: I heard you ran into Seokjin at the laundromat [11:09 AM]

Wincing a little, you lower your phone. Your last text may be ill-advised, but you don’t want Jungkook to think that you’re hiding things.

Jungkook’s ellipses appear, then disappear several times before his next message.

Jungkook: yeah, he came in to fix things. Seemed to think an Elemental was involved [11:18 AM]

Frozen, you stare. Seokjin did say he asked Jungkook about there being an Elemental, but Jungkook had been adamant in his response to Seokjin. Did Jungkook… lie?

Skin prickling, you type your response. Not giving yourself time to second-guess, you press send and immediately head down the sidewalk.

Y/N: If an Elemental was involved, I guess Seokjin would be the person to call [11:22 AM]

Y/N: I’m on my way to a potential new job (do you know the art store, Creative Courage?) but I’m free later – I could stop by for the shirt? [11:22 AM]

Heading away from the harbor, you try to clear your head. Creative Courage is only a few blocks from the subway and once again, the bell tinkles when you step inside. This time, you aren’t surprised when Taryn pops out from behind the front counter.

“Oh!” Her eyes widen. “It’s you! Y/N, right?”

“That’s right.” You smile, side-stepping the door so as to not block the entrance. “Hi. I um, just wanted to stop by and see… well, I wanted to know if your offer still stands? To teach, that is.”

Beaming, Taryn claps both hands before her. “Oh my gosh, yes. I told Micah you’d be back! They were all like, ‘don’t get your hopes up,’ but I was like, ‘they’re already sky-high.’ And here you are!”

Your smile grows while she speaks, certain you made the right decision. Taryn looks nervous, which somehow serves to put you at ease.

“Anyways, come on in!” She steps aside, sweeping an arm over the room. “There aren’t any classes until the afternoon, so we can check out the space together. Maybe set up time for a demo. Oh, don’t worry,” she adds, noticing your look. “I know you’re amazing. This would be more about your teaching style. Understand the process, that type of thing.”

You nod. “I get it. That makes total sense.”

“Cool.” Taryn beams. “I’m just so excited.”

Showing you around, the two of you fall into easy conversation. Although you don’t have teaching experience, Taryn doesn’t seem worried. Everyone has a different learning style, she says. Students need free thinking instructors as much as structured.

At some point, Micah stops by to drop a kiss to her cheek. “Hey,” they say, noticing you for the first time. “I’m Micah. It’s nice to meet you – Y/N, right?”

Reaching out, you shake their hand. “Yes, that’s me.”

When you pull back, you blink at the streaks of dark grime on your skin.

“Micah!” Taryn gasps, noticing at the same time. “How many times have I said to use the special soap when you’re working with fire?”

Micah grimaces and turns. “I’m so sorry,” they say, wiping both hands on their apron. “Sometimes I get carried away in the workshop.”

“It’s totally fine.” You hesitate a moment before barreling on. “But I’m sorry – did I hear right? You were working with fire?”

Nodding, Micah drops their hands. They’re taller than both you and Taryn, with lithe muscles, short hair and a Power Puff t-shirt. They aren’t exactly what you pictured for a fire Elemental.

“Yeah,” they confirm. “I’m a fire Elemental. I use it a lot in my art – charcoal, and whatnot. Recently I’ve been getting into metal sculpture work.”

“Oh,” you say on an exhale. “That’s amazing. I’m a water Elemental, which explains all the watercolors.”

Micah’s eyes light up but before they can respond, Taryn lays a hand on their arm.

“Wash your hands first,” she insists and Micah laughs. Shaking their head, they leave, and Taryn turns to face you. “I didn’t know you were also an Elemental, Y/N! That’s so great. Maybe you and Micah can brainstorm a class someday. You know, an outlet for Elemental artists. How to use your magic creatively, or something.”

You stare, recognizing the genius in this and wondering why such a thing never occurred to you before. Magic has been second nature in art for so long – you never imagined it might be the same for others. Teaching Elementals to create with something they might fear fills you with a sense of hope.

You stay for a long time, chatting with both until Micah leaves to lead the afternoon class. Taryn eventually says goodbye as well, promising to be in touch to arrange your schedule. By the time you step outside, it’s close to dinner and you’re feeling better than you have in months. Good enough that, when your phone rings, you almost answer on reflex. Pulling from your pocket, you glance at the name and freeze.

Mom.

Feet rooted to the ground, you stare at her name and your happiness dims. Seokjin’s words come back, warning about a backslide. Less than twenty-four hours have passed since embracing your magic. You hoped for longer before confronting your mom.

Standing on the sidewalk, you deliberate long enough for the call to end. Slowly, you resume walking down the road. Without fully realizing why, you find yourself heading towards the harbor.

When your phone rings a second time, it somehow sounds urgent.

Mom.

Exhaling, you stop and press answer. “Hi, mom.”

“Y/N,” she breathes, her relief audible, and you’re suddenly saddled by guilt in addition to fear. “Thank goodness. I was about to call your roommate if you didn’t answer. Can’t be too careful these days, can you?”

You briefly close your eyes. “His name is Seokjin, mom. We talked about this.”

“Right, yes – of course. Seokjin. So, Y/N…” Her pause is weighted. “How are things?”

Resuming your course, the harbor comes into view. “They’ve been better, to be honest. I didn’t tell you everything earlier this week, mom. More happened than just losing my job.”

“Oh? What else happened? Are you okay, Y/N?”

“I – well, no,” you admit, correcting yourself. “I’m not okay. Jungkook and I broke up.”

Her silence is deafening, long enough that the sun slips behind a cloud, the water before you turning a blue-grey color.

“Oh, honey.” At last, she exhales. “I’m so sorry.”

Another pause follows, and your teeth grit while you wait for the ‘but.’ With your mom, there’s always a ‘but.’

“But… maybe it’s for the best?” she tentatively offers. “You remember your last break-up, don’t you? With that Elliot fellow. It was horrible and your magic, well – that’s not happening again, is it?”

Her voice is full of alarm, tightening your grip on your phone. The tingling in your chest spreads outward, waves in the harbor rising in tandem. One of them sloshes, haphazardly, over the pier.

“What are you asking me, mom?” you ask.

“Well, you remember how you… well, how your magic… after you broke up with Elliot, things didn’t go well. Did they, Y/N?”

“No, they didn’t, because I wasn’t well, mom.”

“Yes, of course, sweetheart. It’s the same thing.”

“It’s not, though,” you say, each word pouring from a place long ignored. Squeezing your eyes shut, you finally release. “Do you know how much it hurt growing up when something bad happened and rather than be sad for me, you only cared about magic? If I’d lost control. If someone else was hurt. I was hurt, mom, and you never seemed to notice.”

She sucks in a sharp breath. “Of course, I noticed. Of course, I care that you’re hurt, Y/N. I just didn’t want things to get worse. That’s all.”

“Worse,” you say with a bitter laugh. “Mom. I broke up with my boyfriend and your response was that it was probably for the best. Do you want me to be alone?” you add, voicing aloud your worst fear. “It would be safer if I were, right?”

“Don’t twist my words, Y/N. Obviously, I want you to find someone and be happy. You have to admit though, you don’t have the best track record when it comes to romance!”

“So, that’s a yes.”

“What do you want me to say, Y/N?” she asks, sounding annoyed. “If you asked me whether I’d like you safe and alone or with someone and hurt – obviously, I’d rather you were safe. If that makes me a bad mom, then so be it!”

Turning away, you shake your head. “I don’t think that makes you a bad mom. I’m just trying to understand what you’re thinking.”

“I’m thinking my daughter called to attack me out of nowhere! Everything I did when you were a child was to keep you safe. Those floods,” she adds, putting two and two together. “The ones in the city this week – they were you, weren’t they?”

“Yes, mom,” you snap, eyes flying open. “The floods were me. I broke up with Jungkook because I couldn’t control my magic and ironically enough, it only made me spiral further. I was so scared of hurting him, I ended things and hurt us both. You didn’t even ask why we ended, mom.”

“Where are you now, Y/N?” she demands.

Glancing around, wind whips your hair and storm clouds gather. You realize it was probably a bad idea to have this conversation so close to a large body of water.

“Near the harbor. I was leaving a job interview when you called. Oh,” you add, an aside. “I got a new job as an art teacher.”

“The harbor?” Your mom bypasses everything else. “That’s dangerous, Y/N – are there people around? You shouldn’t be talking about your magic in front of them. They could assume the wrong thing.”

“What, mom? That I’m an Elemental? Because I am one.”

“Y/N!”

“It’s the truth!” you blurt, a wave crashing over the pier. “I am an Elemental and I do have magic. You can’t keep pretending otherwise!”

“I know that, Y/N, but your magic doesn’t have to define you!”

“It kind of does.” Voice breaking, you take in the roiling sea. “It does define me. I’m an Elemental. I have magic, and I can’t change that fact. Pretending to be someone I’m not hasn’t worked.”

“I don’t want you to be someone you’re not, Y/N. I just want you to be safe.”

“You can’t protect me from everything.”

“No, I can’t.” Your mom’s next words are rushed. “Do you know how much that kills me? I couldn’t save your dad, and now, I can’t save you. No matter what I do, the world doesn’t care about who you are, only what you can do. I hid so much from you back then,” she adds. “Maybe that was wrong of me. Maybe you should have known about the casual threats from our neighbors. Teachers who wondered if you’d be better off home-schooled. People I thought were our friends ignoring you in public. You don’t remember what it was like, Y/N.”

The first raindrops on your face. “I’m sorry you went through that, mom. Really, I am.”

“I don’t want you to think I don’t love you, honey.”

“That’s not what I think.”

Even as you say this though, a knife twists in your chest. It’s a moment you could move past and reconcile. You could hang up, knowing you had a difficult conversation with your mom, and it ended happily.

Or you could tell her the rest. Or you could lay it all on the line and for once, not care that it might cause complicated feelings.

Overheard, the clouds darken. In the harbor, boats creak against lines holding them to the pier. You should try and control your magic but stubbornly, you don’t want to. You’ve spent so long repressing and pretending; once the dam breaks, it can’t be repaired as easily.

“I don’t think that,” you slowly admit. “But mom… I also don’t think you know who I am. My magic is a part of me. Being an Elemental is part of me. For so long, I’ve been afraid of part of myself and a lot of that came from you. Other people made it worse, but it started with you.”

Shocked silence follows. While you wait for a response, you cringe from the phone. Nausea swirls in your stomach, threatening to swallow you like ocean waves.

“I… that’s not fair,” your mom whispers at last. “That’s not fair at all, Y/N.”

Jaw tight, you look at the shore. “I didn’t say it was fair, I said that’s how I feel. What would dad say if he was here? He loved his magic. He always said to use magic for good, but I don’t know how to use it at all without hurting people! I don’t even know myself. That’s not what he would have wanted.”

“Who can know what he’d want?” your mom demands. “Your father is dead, Y/N. He’s gone, he can’t come back, and I raised you the best I could without him. Your entire life, I’ve tried to keep you safe, and I can’t believe you blame me for that.”

Reeling backwards, you stare at the waves. “Kept me safe at what cost, though? I have no idea how to use my magic, mom. I live in constant fear of hurting someone. Each day, I walk a razor’s edge and fall into bed, exhausted. How is that keeping me safe?”

Waves smash against the pier, higher than you’d like. Taking a step backwards, you avoid the water and turn inward. Everything inside you is churning – your anger, your guilt, the sudden injustice of all your mom’s words. Although you try and calm yourself, it only serves to add fuel to the fire.

“Don’t do that, Y/N,” your mom says.

“Do what?” you snap. “Tell the truth?”

“Don’t pretend I’m the villain,” she counters. “Are you even in control right now?”

Your anger surges, along with the waves. “Of course, not!” you blurt. “No, mom, I’m not in control. Seokjin recommended classes, but I haven’t had the chance to take them. I –”

“You should not be going to class for magic. It’s too dangerous!”

Mid-sentence, you realize something you should have known from the start. Your mom isn’t ready to have this conversation. No matter how cathartic it would be for you, she’s not going to be ready to hear this right now.

“I have to go, mom,” you say, choking a little. “Call me when you’re ready to talk.”

“Y/N. Don’t you dare hang up on me!”

“Bye, mom,” you whisper, and press end.

The phone rests in your hand, your entire body taut as you resist the sudden urge to throw it in the ocean. In this half-movement, you spot the horizon and shudder to a halt. Thunder booms up above, the waves roiling erratically with each lifted heartbeat.

Seokjin warned you this couldn’t be solved in an instant. You’re so used to suppressing your magic, you have no idea how to turn it off once it starts. Your laundromat realization feels ages away, your magic a force bigger and more powerful than you are.

Water swiftly withdraws from the pier, and you sigh in relief, only to realize it’s gathering. Going utterly still, you stare in horror at the building wave. Your panic rises, fueling your power further as you raise trembling hands.

Struggling, you cast your thoughts outward in a wide net. Your father never mentioned this, though. He never explained how to divert a large wave, probably thinking there was plenty of time. You were only five when he died. Hopeless, you watch as the wave crests and wonder if this is how you end. Morbid, you wonder if you can die from drowning.

When the wave hits, wood crunches from the pier underneath you. Yelping, you’re drenched head-to-toe in water as it retreats to form a bigger wave.

Shaking, you lift both hands again. You try to remember what Seokjin told you – clear your mind, focus, envision the outcome you want –

Other words overlap with his; yours, your mom’s, the news.

This won’t work. You can’t do this. Someone will see. Magic is dangerous.

Swiftly, the wave approaches and your dread only grows. Fear overtakes, and–

“Y/N, MOVE!”

Footsteps pound the pier as you spin around. The next seconds seem to occur in slow-motion. Jungkook sprints past you, gaze determined and jaw set. Eyes wide, you stare as he skids to a stop, clenching his fists.

Jungkook faces the ocean, wind whipping his hair. Your wave looms, several feet high – until a jagged line of rock bursts from the sea. The two of them connect, water and earth meeting with an ear-splitting boom. Water sprays over the top of the rocks, but nothing more happens.

A beat passes, or two while you stare at the harbor in shock. Earth… just burst from the ocean, saving the city from your rogue wave.

Memories rise to the surface, one by one. The fact that Jungkook lives near a train stop that often shakes his building. When the barista in your coffee shop dropped the tea kettle, Jungkook looked nearly as stricken as you did – as though it was his fault. When Jungkook freed you from the laundromat, opening a door that shouldn’t have opened.

Each of the pieces falls into place, forming a truth that knocks the wind from your lungs.

“You…” Eyes wide, you stare. “You’re a…”

Emotion churns in Jungkook’s gaze, turning to face you. “Yeah,” he admits. “I’m an earth Elemental. I’ve… been trying to figure out how to tell you.”

Head spinning, you shake your head and the world tilts beneath you. At first, it’s a metaphor, swiftly made real by the events of today. Briefly, your vision blurs as your knees start to buckle.

“Whoa,” Jungkook blurts, rushing forward. His arms wrap around you, keeping you upright. “Are you alright, Y/N?”

“I…” Dazed, you glance at the ocean. “That was you, just now? With the rock?”

“Yeah.” Jungkook winces. “Sorry about the dramatics. I was trying to act fast, and it’s all I could think of. Didn’t want to cause an earthquake and create a second wave.”

He sounds slightly nervous, and you continue to stare. Genuinely, you don’t mean to be rude but you’re having trouble stringing two words together. Jungkook is an Elemental. Jungkook is an earth Elemental.

Jungkook’s smile fades, spurring you to speech.

“That’s not what I was thinking,” you blurt.

His brow furrows. “Oh. What are you thinking, then?”

“I…” You shake your head. “I was thinking that was really… hot. And you know, a general sense of relief that my out-of-control magic didn’t wreck the entire city. Oh, right,” you add, somewhat glum. “Seems like you already know, but I’m a water Elemental.”

“I know,” Jungkook murmurs.

He hasn’t released you yet, continuing to hold you. The waves in the harbor have returned to normal, although a slight mist continues to fall from the sky.

“Well, I wasn’t sure,” Jungkook corrects. “I started suspecting at the laundromat. Then I got your text and was in the area, so I decided to stop by. Glad I did,” he adds, his lips twitching. “I followed the storm to the harbor.”

“I confronted my mom,” you mutter. “She doesn’t have magic.”

Jungkook’s expression sobers. Although you haven’t told him everything, he knows the two of you have a tense relationship. Jungkook also knows your dad died when you were young. Possibly, he’s put two and two together by now.

“I see.” Jungkook pauses. “How are you feeling?”

Four small words and again, something inside you crumbles. You weren’t aware you had more to give. Collapsing into him, you rest your head on his chest. Holding onto you tightly, Jungkook soothes his hand up and down your back.

“That’s not an answer,” he murmurs, but the words are gentle. “Talk to me, Y/N. Do you want to go somewhere?”

Probably a good idea but right now the only place you want to be is with him. Shaking your head, you tighten your grip on his t-shirt.

“I probably should,” you admit. “Jungkook… you and I…”

His body stiffens. “Yes?”

Slowly, you lift your head. His gaze is dark, wary and it pierces deep in your chest.

“I feel awful,” you say. “It’s… been a long time since I told someone what I was. I was scared of hurting others. Scared of hurting you. That’s why I ended this. It had nothing to do with you, Jungkook,” you insist, the words pouring out. “I swear. I was so scared of hurting you with my magic – and I hurt you anyway. I am so sorry.”

Jungkook’s expression is inscrutable. “It had a little to do with me,” he says slowly.

“No.” You pause. “Well, maybe. I wouldn’t have been this scared with someone else. The way I feel about you, Jungkook? I’ve never felt like this before. It’s all new to me, and I couldn’t control my magic around you.”

His gaze remains steady. “How do I make you feel?”

“You make me feel… everything,” you whisper. “Hopeful and happy and scared and alive and I – I can’t control myself around you. When we touch, I…”

You bite your lip, embarrassed and one of his brows sketches upward.

“When we touch, you what?” Jungkook pushes.

You can’t seem to meet his gaze. “I… forget myself. I burst the pipes in the laundromat,” you admit. “I caused a storm the night we fought. When I ended things between us, it rained for three days. I can feel the water in every pipe in your apartment, every faucet and I was so scared of hurting you.”

Drawing you closer, Jungkook gathers you tightly. “Hey,” he murmurs. “It’s okay – you didn’t hurt me. I’m here. Tougher than you give me credit for,” he adds with a chuckle.

Leaning into him, you allow your eyes to shut. His heartbeat mirrors yours, a fact you find soothing. Reality sinks in a second later, realizing the truth of this week.

Jungkook doesn’t just understand what youare – he is one, himself.

Eyes flying open, you pull back. “Why didn’t you tell me you were an Elemental?” you demand.

Jungkook’s eyes widen. “Why didn’t you tell me? I tried to explain a few times,” he adds, his brow furrowing. “I brought up Elementals, but you would always change the subject. I was scared to tell you. I thought… maybe you’d leave. I didn’t want you to.”

A small fissure mends in your heart. “My entire life, I was told magic was something to fear. Something to hide. I was taught to hide and only recently, have I started thinking otherwise. I… want you to know me, Jungkook.”

“I want to know you, too.”

“I want to learn how to use my magic,” you add, determined. “Seokjin is going to help.”

The divot between his brows deepens. “I want to help.”

It’s such a Jungkook response, you can’t help but grin. “You can,” you agree, squeezing his waist. “I’ll need all the help I can get.”

His expression softens. While you watch though, his thoughts seem to deepen, gaze flicking over the panes of your face.

“What does this mean?” Jungkook asks at last.

His grip on you doesn’t loosen, and you hear his unspoken question. Heart sinking, you realize you may have overstepped. Jungkook is touching you. He came here to help. Both of you know what the other is and you’ve apologized – but you haven’t asked for him back, and he hasn’t accepted.

Before, you might have allowed these negative thoughts to drown out the rest. To wonder if maybe Jungkook is only helping from guilt. Now, you shove those thoughts aside and force yourself to be strong. To ask for what you want, even if the answer is no.

“I was wrong, Jungkook,” you say quietly. “I ended this because I didn’t want you to get hurt, but you did anyway. I hurt myself in the process. I… I thought you couldn’t possibly love this part of me, so I ran away. That wasn’t fair,” you add, gaining momentum. “You deserve to know who I am and decide what you want for yourself. Jungkook, I love you. I want you. I am so sorry I hurt you, and I just want to know if you could ever –”

“Yes.”

You falter, blinking upward. “There was more to the speech.”

His lips twitch. “It was a very good speech. You can give the rest later. Right now, I want you to know my answer is yes. Yes, I love you. Yes, I want you. Yes, I forgive you.”

“But Jungkook” – it’s difficult to concentrate with his arms wrapped around you, nose lightly brushing the shell of your ear – “I broke up with you. Don’t you want me to –”

With a weary sigh, he pulls back. “What do you want me to say?” he asks, amused.

“I don’t know.” You frantically search. “Shouldn’t I promise not to run away again? To be more honest with you, more communicative?”

Jungkook waits, as though expecting more and when nothing comes of it, he shrugs. “I thought all that was a given. Don’t uh, run away, okay? Are we good?”

“Jungkook,” you laugh, though this becomes a groan when his lips brush your neck. Gripping the back of his hair, you pull his head upward.

Jungkook’s eyes gleam, his skin flushed. “You should work on your punishment, if that’s what you were trying to do,” he murmurs.

Ignoring the shiver these words bring, you shake your head. “Jungkook… um, the last time we were close, I…”

He tilts his head. “Yes?”

His voice is nothing but patience, and you draw a breath. “I’m scared,” you admit. “I know I’ve said it a lot, but I can’t seem to control my magic around you. Especially when we touch. That’s when things get…” Aimless, you shrug. “You know.”

Lips pressed tightly together, Jungkook lifts a brow. “What about this?” he teases, cupping your waist with one palm. “Is that alright?”

Your eyes roll. “Yes, Jungkook.”

“And this?”

Thumb slipping beneath your shirt, he traces the damp skin above your panties. Your entire lower body clenches, your limbs going molten.

“That’s… harder,” you admit.

He grins. “I know.”

“Oh, shut up,” you groan, half-heartedly attempting to pull away.

Jungkook laughs, catching you easily and laying your head on his shoulder. You stay there for a while, his hand cupping the back of your neck as his thumb strokes up and down. Eventually, the clouds part enough for the sun to peek through.

Throat clearing, Jungkook pulls back to see you. “To be clear – that doesn’t matter to me. We can go slow. We don’t have to have sex if you don’t want to. I’ll help in any way that I can, Y/N. I just want you.”

“I do want to try, though,” you insist. “I do. It’s just…” You hesitate. “Your apartment is so breakable.”

Jungkook stares at you for a moment. “I shouldn’t find that as hot as I do.”

“Jungkook!”

He laughs, taking your hand in his. “Sorry, sorry.” Turning on his heel, he heads from the pier. “I do have any idea, though. One that could help.”

Hand in his, you follow him inland. Jungkook leads you down a steep path towards the boathouse, ducking the gate towards the parking lot. It’s late enough that his car is alone, headlights blinking as he unlocks the doors.

You trail behind, happy to do so because honestly, the sight of Jungkook in a soaked t-shirt is akin to a Regency hero. You savor the sight, grinning like crazy. Always, you used to question the good things that happened because it seemed they could fade any second. Now, you find yourself determined to live and enjoy.

The ease with which Jungkook forgives makes his trust precious. Someone like Jungkook deserves someone honest, the type of person you aspire to be. Climbing into the passenger seat, you continue to admire Jungkook as he walks to the opposite side.

He slides into the driver’s seat, adjusting the seat and buckling his belt. Fixing the rearview mirror, he glances at you.

“What?” he asks, doing a double take.

“Nothing.” Smiling to yourself, you shake your head. “Where are we going?”

Mischief enters his gaze. “Don’t you trust me?”

“Of course, I do.”

“Cool. We’re going somewhere to solve our problem.”

Shaking your head, you settle back as he pulls from the parking lot. Glancing around the car, a sudden thought occurs to you, and your smile widens.

Noticing this, Jungkook hums. “What are you smiling about, now?”

“I thought you said you were in the area?”

“Yep.”

“Hm.” Smiling broadly, you twist to face him. “Seems odd you would bring your car if you were just ‘in the area,’” you say, using air quotes around the last words.

Jungkook flushes beet-read. Your ex-slash-current boyfriend is many things, but a good liar isn’t one of them.

“I – fine,” he admits on a groan. “I was hoping to see you and didn’t want you to leave before I got to the art shop. My car was fastest.”

Your grin widens. “Cute.”

“We’ll see who’s calling who cute later,” Jungkook mutters.

His words send a thrill down your spine. “Speaking of later…”

Reaching a stoplight, his head turns. “Yes?”

You wait a long beat. “Where are we going?”

Surprised, Jungkook laughs and faces forward when the light turns. “Does the art of the surprise mean nothing to you?” he teases.

“No! Surprises are mean. They’re for the surpriser more than the surprised.”

“Exactly.” Nodding, he merges onto the main highway. “Consider this your punishment for breaking up with me.”

“Hey! You said we were even.”

Jungkook smirks. “That’s not what I said. I said I forgive you. I never said we were even.”

“Oh? And just what might ‘getting even’ entail?”

His grip on the wheel tightens, voice pitching lower. “I have a few ideas.”

Lips parted, an entire city block passes before you assemble your thoughts in a coherent manner. “Well,” you exhale. “I hope these ideas involve us leaving the city. Preferably getting away from the ocean, as well.”

“Oh, they do. My family owns a cabin an hour north. We stayed there a lot when I was younger, especially once my magic started. There aren’t many people around – which is good, in case I slip and cause a seismic event.”

You stare at him over the console. “A… seismic event?”

Jungkook drops a wink. “What? You thought only water Elementals have cool powers?”

“Well, no, but–”

“I’ll show you,” he laughs. After a few seconds, Jungkook clears his throat. “So… what does your magic look like?”

“Sorry?”

“You know.” He glances your way and, upon seeing your confusion, backtracks. “Sorry. I forgot that not everyone… well. What I meant was, when you use your magic, what does it feel like? How does it… manifest?”

“Hm.” You consider. “It’s like… a small kernel of heat in my chest. Whenever I feel strongly, the kernel brightens – with joy, anger, sadness. The brighter it gets, the more aware I am of the water around me. You know, in the pipes, in the ground. Even you,” you add, a bit stilted. “In your blood.”

“Whoa.” Jungkook’s eyes widen. “That’s cool.”

“Cool?”

“Hot,” he amends, and now, you’re the one burning. “That’s…” He stops, then chuckles. “Damn, Y/N.”

Pushing aside that tantalizing thought, you sit back. You’ve never had the urge to show someone your magic but now, find yourself wanting to try. And learn more. Ultimately, this urge wins out.

“What does it feel like for you?” you ask, curious.

Jungkook frowns. “Magic is… a hum in the back of my mind, I guess. A hum, or a vibration. My emotions also affect it,” he adds, glancing your way. “Eventually, the hum spreads and I get what you mean about heightened awareness. For me, it feels like gravity shifts. I become more grounded. When I want the earth to do something, it just… listens.”

“Oh,” you say.

He glances at you, unsure. “What?”

“Nothing. That’s… unbelievably hot.”

A pleased smile spreads over his face. Sitting back, Jungkook’s hands tighten on the wheel and suddenly, the cabin seems a long way away.

“How long is the drive?” you pose.

“About forty-five minutes.”

“Huh.” You fidget a little.

“Why?”

Feeling his gaze on the side of your face, you shrug. “I have ideas for tonight, too.”

There’s a moment of silence before the car accelerates. Surprised, you laugh and grip the door handle. “Jungkook!” you scold, glancing sideways.

He blinks, the picture of innocence. “What? It seemed like you wanted me to go faster.”

“Sure, but preferably all in one piece.”

“You will. Trust me.”

And that’s the thing – you do. Trust him, that is.

Smiling slightly, you relax in your seat and lower the window. Skyscrapers have long since passed, turning to buildings, which became towns and fields. Eventually, the motion of the car lulls you to sleep. It’s been a long week of restless nights.

You wake when the car hits a bump, and you jerk suddenly upright. The sun casts long shadows over the dirt road you drive on.

“Sorry.” Jungkook winces. “This part can be rough. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Yawning, you stretch both arms overhead. “No, you’re fine. Are we close?”

Nodding, he keeps one hand on the wheel. Jungkook’s elbow is propped on his open window, a breeze ruffling hair from his face. Music plays, softly in the background.

“Five minutes.”

You nod and look around. Anticipation sketches over your skin, and you suppress a shiver. Knee bouncing along to the song on the radio, you reach a heightened state of awareness about tonight. Jungkook has never felt quite so tangible, or maybe you’ve never been so perceptive.

Turning down the next road, the car’s headlights bounce over trees and a mailbox before landing on a small, white house. Jungkook parks in the driveway as the sun slips towards the horizon.

Not opening the door, Jungkook drums his fingers against the wheel. You’re about to ask what’s wrong when he turns to face you.

“Now that we’re here, it feels kind of presumptuous,” he admits in a rush.

Having imagined the worst, you can’t stop your smile. Unbuckling your seatbelt, you push open the door. “Let’s go,” you declare, feet hitting the ground. “I’ve been waiting for months, Jungkook!”

His chuckle follows, the car turning off as you shut the door. Footsteps follow you up the front path, Jungkook catching you around the waist near the rhododendrons.

“And whose fault is that?” he growls, nipping the curve of your ear.

“Excuse me,” you say, breathless, “that I didn’t want to drown your bedroom.”

“Baby.” His ensuing laughter is soft. “The only way I want you in my bedroom is soaking wet.”

With that, he reaches beyond you and unlocks the front door. Ignoring your speechlessness, Jungkook steps around you and enters the house.

“You coming?” he calls, flipping on lights.

You stare after for a moment before you come to your senses. Muttering darkly, you slip off your shoes and shut the front door behind you. The hallway ends in a kitchen, cheerfully lit while Jungkook rummages through a cabinet.

“Tell me,” he says, standing to shut the door. “Are you hungry?”

“Uh…” Your face heats. “Well, I kind of thought…”

“Can’t have sex on an empty stomach.” Dropping a wink, Jungkook turns around to open another cupboard.

With a half-hearted eye roll, you sit on a stool and glance around. The kitchen cabinets are dark green with bronze handles. You would ask Jungkook if he helped, but his interior design skills leave something to be desired. Just because a person is creative one way doesn’t mean it automatically translates.

Vividly, you recall entering his apartment and being thoroughly confused by the multiple mattresses. Patiently, Jungkook explained they were for his dog, Bam – as though that made any difference.

Remembering this, you sit upright. “Hang on – where’s Bam?”

“Left him with Jimin,” Jungkook says, setting down a cutting board. “I sent him a voice note while you were sleeping.”

“Oh,” you say, sinking back on the stool. “That’s good.”

Nodding, Jungkook resumes preparing the meal. Propping your chin on one hand, you take in the small but well-loved home around you. Traces of Jungkook are everywhere in a road map of his life. Photos of Jungkook as a child are tacked to the refrigerator, his eyes a similar size but in a much smaller head. There’s one of him with his dad on the playground, another at graduation with his mom.

Your gaze lingers on one that looks like the yard of this house. A giant boulder fills the frame, while Jungkook sits, cross-legged, at the top. He can’t be older than ten, scowling furiously while his mom yells something upward. In the foreground, his dad takes the picture in selfie mode, giving a giant thumbs-up with a maniacal grin.

“That’s the first time I used my powers,” Jungkook says, catching you looking.

Half-guilty, you start but he doesn’t seem to mind.

Instead, he smiles. “I was something of a late bloomer. My parents were concerned, although they wouldn’t say it. One day, I was out playing, and my mom called me in for dinner.  I didn’t want to leave. Next thing I knew, I’d made a small cliff in the yard. My mom was furious,” he recalls with a laugh. “My dad was ecstatic. Keep going on and on about how I’d been ‘saving up.’ Anyways, they enrolled me in camp the next summer.”

“Camp?”

“To help with my magic,” says Jungkook, nodding at another photo. This one has Jungkook with his arms around three kids near his age. “Both my parents are Elementals – my mom, fire and my dad, earth. One of their friends runs a summer camp for Elementals. I went as soon as I could.”

“Oh,” you breathe, not having realized such things existed. Maybe you would’ve gone if your dad had lived longer. Or maybe you wouldn’t have – he was an only child without much family, which explained why you felt isolated after his death.

Sensing the change in emotion, Jungkook abandons his cooking. “My dad was adopted,” he admits, coming around the counter. “He didn’t even know he was an Elemental until he turned twelve. When his adoptive parents realized, they told him to hide it and my dad did for a long time. It wasn’t until meeting my mom that he started relearning.”

You aren’t sure how to respond, your throat suddenly tight.

Luckily, Jungkook doesn’t expect an answer. “Not that your situations are the same,” he hastens. “I don’t want to make comparisons, but I wanted to say it because… well, I wanted to let you know you’re not alone. You can learn now. I’ll help however I can.”

Warmth expands in your chest, replacing the sadness. “I don’t know what I did to deserve that,” you whisper.

Jungkook’s frown deepens. “I don’t think it’s about deserving help – although of course, you do. Things don’t just happen because someone deserves them. You didn’t deserve for your dad to die when he did. We both don’t deserve to live in a world that forces us to hide. None of that’s deserved, so why should you question when good things are good?”

“That’s exactly it, though,” you admit. “So many bad things have happened that were connected to my magic. Like earlier today – I finally confronted my mom, and I nearly drowned the city.”

He shakes his head, stubborn. “That’ll take time. Time and practice, but you will get there. I don’t have any doubts about that, Y/N. You don’t have to be scared of magic – it’s not going anywhere, and neither am I.”

You stare at each other and, oddly, you feel some of his strength. It would be impossible for so many people to have faith in you for no reason. If anything, it’s more foolish to continually assume you’ll fail.

After another long moment, Jungkook tears his gaze away. “Food,” he declares with a firm shake of his head. “Food first, then… other stuff.”

Laughing softly, you lean back. Jungkook chats while he cooks, explaining how his dad thoroughly proofed the house against several types of Elemental. His mom is a fire Elemental and his dad is earth, but they have several members of the extended family who are water.

“Essentially” – Jungkook chops vegetables – “this place could survive a 7-magnitude earthquake, followed by a fire and a flash flood. There are sprinklers in every room with drains in all corners. Furniture is water resistant and non-synthetic. Basically, go wild. No one will care.”

Your brows arch. “You might care if I burst another pipe in the ceiling. In my experience, that tends to ruin the mood.”

Lowly, he laughs and turns on the burner. “Fair enough,” Jungkook says. “If you don’t feel comfortable inside, we can start outside. I don’t mind a little rain if you don’t.”

Unthinkingly, your gaze lowers to where his t-shirt continues to stick to his skin. Obscene how good Jungkook looks in damp clothing.

As though sensing your thoughts, he smirks and flips the food in the pan.

“Okay,” you blurt. “Let’s try that.”

Eventually, you need to take a first step and now seems as good a time as any. Somewhere, somehow, you need to begin. Deep down, you know your fear is holding you back. You’re petrified of losing control, and every time you use your magic, the fear wins, creating new fear in an endless cycle.

By the time Jungkook slides a bowl of noodles towards you, your stomach is growling. Jungkook was right about needing to eat. The last traces of the day disappear while you slurp your noodles, catching each other up on your lost week. As it turns out, Jungkook was equally moody, causing minor trembles whenever he left his apartment.

You describe to him your week, voice trembling when you reach the phone call with your mom. Reaching across the counter, Jungkook grasps your hand tightly.

“It’s okay,” he says. “We don’t have to talk about that right now, if you don’t want.”

Thankful, you nod, and he retreats with your bowls. Bringing these to the sink, he loads the dishwasher and shuts the door with his hip.

“I do want to talk eventually,” you say, hesitant. “Just… not now. It’s too raw.”

“I get it.” He walks around the counter, stopping before you. “It’s hard to think about our parents as real people who also fuck up. Sometimes they do so in ways we can’t forgive.”

Nodding, you down at your hands. “Yeah.” Your brows furrow. “Your parents get it, though. They love you.”

“Sure.” Jungkook speaks carefully. “But that doesn’t mean we don’t hurt each other. Relationships are complicated. It’d be conceited for me to tell you what to do with your mom. Whatever you decide though, I’m here.”

His words spark a fire deep inside you, the opposite of fear and you reach up to pull his mouth down to yours. Surprised, Jungkook’s lips brush once, twice before the kiss becomes hungrier. When his head finally lifts, his gaze remains fixed on your mouth.

“Right,” he rasps.

“Outside?”

Jungkook nods so quickly, you nearly laugh. “Uh-huh, yeah – outside. Hang on,” he says, turning around to head for a closet.

About a minute later, Jungkook emerges with several blankets and a backpack he refuses to open. Handing over a blanket, he leads you by the hand towards the back door.

“Let’s go,” he commands.

Hiding a smile, you follow him into the night. A tiny garden is growing beyond the house, and you marvel at its permanency. You and your mom moved so often that you eventually stopped bothering to put down roots. Jungkook has been the first thing in a long time you’ve wanted to keep.

Lifting the latch on the gate, Jungkook leads you down a small path through the woods. By now, your eyes are accustomed to the semi-darkness. If one can even call it darkness, with the nearly full moon overhead. Your breath catches when the path ends in a meadow bordered on all sides by pine trees.

Retrieving your blanket, Jungkook spreads them both on the ground. Taking a seat, he motions for you to join and waits until you do. Leaning into his side, you stare at the sky.

“See that?” Jungkook points at the woods. “Dad pulled up that boulder to block deer from getting into the garden. Didn’t work. They just go around.”

Your lips twitch in a smile. “Bet your mom was mad.”

“Oh, no. She finds the ongoing battle hilarious. Secretly roots for the deer, I think.”

Even as you laugh, you feel a sharp pang of envy. Your mom has always been adamant your power isn’t something to be shared, something to be laughed at. It must have been wonderful to grow up in a household that used magic without fear.

The moment you think this, you realize you might have that now. Seokjin has always been supportive of your magic. Micah and Taryn suggested you teach a class for Elementals. Jungkook knows what you are, and he hasn’t run yet.

When you face him, Jungkook is already looking. His eyes roam your face, as though committing you to memory.

“Where did you go just now?” he murmurs, his hand inching closer on the blanket. “What were you thinking?”

Slyly, you tilt your head. “Oh, nothing. Just wondering how many ‘shakes the bed’ jokes you’ll let me get away with.”

Jungkook’s lips twitch. “Only one.”

“What about a good ‘you rock my world’ pun?”

“Ugh, zero,” he groans.

“What about –”

Growling, Jungkook falls backwards onto the blankets. “That’s it,” he demands, taking you with him. “That’s the last straw!”

“Stop it!” you gasp, giggling helplessly as he tickles your sides.

Smile broadening, Jungkook flops onto the blanket and goes still. Half-sprawled over his chest, you loop one arm over his waist and stare at the sky.

“You get two jokes,” Jungkook says. “And if they’re not good jokes, I’m allowed to dole out punishment as I see fit.”

“Is that a threat?”

“A promise,” he says, his smile wicked.

At the look in his eyes, the air between you thickens. Jungkook’s finger hooks under the hem of your blouse, tracing the skin just above your skirt.

Heat flows through your limbs. “Tell me,” you whisper, staring down. “How many other girls have you brought here?”

His low chuckle shakes you. “None.”

“None?” you blurt out. “Teenage Jungkook didn’t pull that rock trick with any youthful paramours?”

“No.” Gently, he lowers you onto your side. “Believe it or not, I was a nerdy teenager. Super into rocks. Loved superheroes. The only ground-shaking happening back then” – sadly, he shakes his head – “was when I lost at Overwatch.”

Your lips twitch in response. “Seriously, though.” Lightly, you drag a finger across his collarbone. “What, um, happens when you…”

Your gaze flicks upward, and you find him intent, focused on you.

“When I do what?” Jungkook murmurs.

“When you… come.”

His gaze has turned molten. “Usually, I can control myself.” Jungkook pauses, then grips you by the waist to pull you on top. A startled noise leaves you, and you steady yourself on his chest. “With you, though… let’s just say, I’m glad we started outside.”

Your mouth goes dry as your body settles to his. Minutely, you shift your hips over his and feel Jungkook’s hands tighten.

“Jungkook,” you whisper.

Reaching upward, he gently cups your jaw and brings your face down to his. The brush of his lips is soft at first, a call and response. When you exhale, his grip on you tightens, his tongue slipping past. Pulling you closer, Jungkook’s hand slides to the back of your neck.

His other hand fists in your blouse, abruptly sitting up to take you with him.

“Oh,” you gasp, arms sliding around him.

“Hey,” Jungkook murmurs, your noses barely touching.

His body is warm and solid beneath you, thighs spilled over his lap to land on either side. Curling one hand into your shirt, Jungkook’s chest rises and falls with yours.

“Can I take this off?” he asks, and you nod.

Slipping a hand higher, Jungkook lifts your shirt until it comes away. Tossed on the blanket, his hand skims your side before resuming the kiss. His mouth is hungry, savoring the feel of your bare skin with his palm. His touch moves higher, drifting beneath your breast as you shiver.

Rocking forward, you realize how hard he is. Cupping your breast with one hand, Jungkook teases your nipple, and you let out a moan. Swallowing the sound, he crushes your mouth to his. Your hands move to Jungkook’s hair, hips moving more urgently.

“Stop that,” he growls, pulling back. “You’ll ruin me before I have a chance to begin.”

“Seems fair, then,” you say with a smile.

Jungkook smirks, leaning back to observe your tits spilling over the bra. Running his finger along the line, he slips a finger past and tugs your bra down. Sharply, you inhale at the night air on your breast. Jungkook’s mouth is there a second later, nipping, then licking the sensitive bud.

Shifting on top, you arch to get him closer. Jungkook tugs down the other cup, pinching your breast with his fingers. Whimpering, you grasp his hair tightly and roll your hips.

Jungkook grunts in approval, his legs coming up to trap you against him. Switching to your other breast, he teases until you’re frantic, grinding against his fully clothed lap.

Now, you expect him to undress but Jungkook keeps his attention on you. Sliding his hand up your thigh, he slips under your skirt to cup your ass with one hand. Controlling your movement, he kneads your ass with his palm as you rock against him.

“Fuck – Jungkook,” you groan, your head tipped back.

Heated, he trails kisses down the line of your throat. “You’re thinking too much. Want to see you lose control. Let me take care of it.”

Too stunned to be coherent, you tug on his t-shirt. “This. Off,” you demand.

Pulling back, Jungkook grasps the material with one hand to remove. When his chest is revealed, you make a noise in response. Greedy, you drag your palms down his firm chest. His tattoos entwine, a tapestry of ink across his tanned muscle.

Bending, you press a kiss to a lily and feel Jungkook shudder. Continuing your path, you flick your tongue against his brown nipple and are rewarded with a groan.

“Enough,” Jungkook demands, slapping you on the ass. “Up.”

Surprised, you jerk upright. Heat suffuses your skin, radiating from the same spot his palm covers. Seeming to understand, Jungkook massages the same spot over the fabric of your panties.

“What?” you exhale, thoroughly distracted.

Jungkook smirks, both brows lifted. “Stand up. It’s important, I swear.”

Gathering your senses, you manage to stand. Jungkook remains seated before you while he blatantly ogles. Running his tongue over his lower lip, the bulge in his jeans looks painful, although he doesn’t seem to notice.

“That skirt has to go.” His gaze lifts. “Please.”

Without breaking eye contact, you shimmy the skirt down your legs. Stepping aside, you push this away and step back. Lifting himself to his knees, Jungkook grips the skin of your ankles. His hands slide upward with agonizing slowness, hovering when he reaches the top of your thighs.

“Jungkook,” you murmur. “What are you doing?”

He looks up, his gaze dark. Only then does he drag both thumbs back, over your aching center. Although your panties remain, your knees nearly buckle.

“Ah.” Jungkook pauses, then repeats the motion. “Right there?”

“Fu-ck,” you groan.

He does this again, casually touching over your cotton panties. Breasts aching to be touched, you lift your palms to cup their weight with both hands. Jungkook watches, his gaze intent while he watches you tug at your nipples.

Abruptly, Jungkook pulls your panties aside to lean in and lick. Now, your knees do buckle, feeling his tongue slip through your folds. Chuckling darkly, Jungkook sits back and places your panties where they were.

Laying down on the blanket, he motions to his chest. “Kneel,” he says. “You can keep touching your tits if you want, but I need to make you come.”

The kernel of heat in your chest is now a storm, clouds gathering overhead as you kneel on the blanket. The moment your knees hit the ground, his hands find your waist, moving you into position. Turning his head, Jungkook brushes a soft kiss to your thigh.

“Fuck,” he murmurs, tracing his index finger down your soaked center. “Already so wet, and I’ve barely touched you. I thought about this a lot,” he admits, gaze lifting to yours. “Thought about how tight and wet you’d feel around a few of my fingers. Bouncing up and down on my hand to make yourself come.”

“Oh,” you breathe, entranced.

Lips tilted, Jungkook pulls aside your damp panties. His thumb swipes over your clit – once, twice, until he feels you tremble. Grasping your ass, he pulls you lower and makes direct eye contact when he licks.

“Oh, god,” you choke out.

Other men have eaten you out, but it’s usually a pleasant, if unremarkable event. Being with Jungkook is different. No one has ever done this as though you’re the main course, as though they get off on your pleasure as much as their own.

Hand tight on your waist, Jungkook spreads your ass while sucking on your clit. Moaning, you bend to place both hands on the ground. Jungkook grunts his approval, sucking again before pulling back for light licks. You can feel your arousal sliding down your thighs, but he doesn’t seem to notice or mind.

“Yeah.” Jungkook pauses, tracing your entrance with his finger. “That’s so hot, Y/N. You’re so fucking hot.”

Face burning, you can feel the water gathering in clouds overhead. The earnestness in his voice ignites your pleasure to a full-on inferno.

“More,” you demand, wriggling your hips. “Please, Jungkook.”

Eyes gleaming, he reaches up to spread your thighs further. Resuming eating you out, he moves you against him with loud approval. Your panties continue getting in the way until, with a frustrated noise, you hear fabric shred.

Eyes wide, you glance down as Jungkook throws them aside. “I’ll get you new ones,” he says, his voice hoarse, before diving back in.

“Oh – god!” you gasp, gripping his hair when he sucks even harder.

The clouds overhead darken, and rain starts to fall. Jungkook pauses to glance upward, then grins. “That’s it, baby,” he coaxes. “Want you to soak me. Give me everything, okay? Don’t hold back.”

Pulling you down again, his tongue swirls around your clit. Jungkook’s hands remain on your ass, cupping you reverently while you grip his hair. Unapologetic, you start riding his face while he works you open.

Tracing your entrance with his finger, Jungkook gets himself wet before he slips inside. Your entire body clenches, shaking with the impending force of your orgasm. Everything pulses – the rain, your blood, his heart and his tongue.

When he adds a second finger, you cry out, head tipped back. Clenching hard on his hand, shudder after shudder rolls through you as the sky breaks. Sheets of rain drench your skin while Jungkook continues to lick, bringing you down from your orgasm.

Catching your breath, the rain slows to a drizzle. Dazed, you slump forward as Jungkook slides his two fingers out. Grasping you around the waist, he settles you beside him and smiles. Jungkook’s torso is damp with rain and arousal, and you think no one has ever looked so beautiful.

“Jungkook,” you moan. “Why’d you stop?”

Huffing a laugh, he pulls you close to his side. “Did you want to keep going?” he teases.

“Obviously.”

“Hm.” Hand slipping down your spine, he firmly cups your ass. “Maybe you’re tired. Are you sure once wasn’t enough?”

Lifting a brow, drape your thigh over his so he can feel how wet you are. Jungkook’s eyes narrow, fingers digging harder into the curve of your waist. From where you are, you can see the painful bulge in his pants.

“I’m not tired,” you promise. “Are you?”

Rather than answer, Jungkook pulls you down for a kiss. One of his hands finds your knee, sliding higher to skim your drenched pussy from behind. You swallow a moan when his jeans rub your clit. Fingers tracing your entrance, Jungkook spreads your pussy with delicious slowness.

Breathless, you move against him in a helpless bid for friction. Jungkook keeps you still, controlling the motion despite your desperation.

“I want your pants off,” you demand against his lips.

Jungkook chuckles and lays back on the blanket. “Alright.”

Grasping his belt, he unbuckles and pulls the strap through his jeans. Unbuttoning these, he shoves denim past his thighs to cast it aside. When he’s in just boxer-briefs, Jungkook pulls you closer to lay on his chest.

“God,” he breathes, marveling at your skin. “I’ve wanted this for so long.”

Rain that you’ve called slicks both you and him. Lowering your head, you breathe Jungkook in and rock your hips forward. Jungkook’s fingers trace your center, easing your thighs wider to slip a finger inside.

“Oh,” you moan, slightly breathless.

Beneath you, his cock feels rock-hard. Pushing against him, you feel Jungkook’s finger moving and know that this must be torture. Continuing to tease, you rub your nipples over his chest.

“Jungkook,” you whimper. “I want you.”

Lips twitching, he adds a second finger. “You can barely take two of my fingers. Think you’re ready for my cock?”

“Yes.”

“You’re not,” he drawls, slapping your ass again. “But yeah, take my cock out. Want to feel you.”

Reaching lower, you push his boxers down the best you can. Jungkook’s cock is freed, bobbing between you. You forgot how big he is. Although you’ve seen him twice, both times ended poorly, and you tried not to think about his prettiness afterwards.

And how thick his length is. Swallowing, you eye his girth and wonder if Jungkook is right – you’re not ready. Maybe you never will be.

Gently, Jungkook cups your face to return your gaze to his. “Eyes on me,” he murmurs, thumb beneath your chin. “I’ll get you there. Don’t worry.”

Some of your tension disappears. Nodding, you relax when he lowers his hand to rub your clit in circles. Exhaling, your legs spread further when Jungkook adds a third finger. The stretch feels good, being spread from behind and you lower your head to stare down your body.

Jungkook’s abs end in a v, his cock so hard it hovers above his skin, a thick bead of cum gathered at the tip. Your mouth waters at the sight.

“Jungkook,” you breathe. “Want to suck your cock.”

He pauses what he’s doing to look up, heavy-lidded.

“What, baby?” he murmurs.

“I want your cock in my mouth,” you insist, sitting up. “Please.”

His eyes gleam and Jungkook slowly sits up, easing you on top. Pulling his fingers free, he grasps your waist.

“Since you asked nicely.” His smile is crooked. “Go on.”

Inhaling sharply, you scoot backwards. Kneeling over him, you swiftly bend to grasp the base of his length. His cock stands, erect and vascular between muscled thighs.

Your hand barely fits around him, and you clench at the realization he’ll soon be inside. Spreading your thighs, you lower yourself to take him in your mouth. Jungkook groans when you suck, shifting his weight underneath.

His chest rises and falls, watching from lowered lashes as you take him in deeper. Choking a little, you use your spit to make his shaft wet. When his fingertips curl into the blanket, you feel a low tremble in the earth. Emboldened, you relax your mouth and deep throat him.

“Fuck, Y/N,” Jungkook groans. “Yes.”

Using your right hand to jerk him off, you suck the tip. Bending further, you drag your tongue lower, teasing and tormenting until Jungkook is sweating.

“Fu-ck,” he mutters, one hand on your neck. “Yeah, Y/N. Yes. Like that. Good girl.”

His hips rise when you deep-throat him, another tremor shaking the world underneath. Suddenly, he grasps your waist and pulls you upward.

“Want to come inside you,” Jungkook demands. “Not like this.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.” Reaching below, he swipes two fingers through your pussy and brings these to his mouth. Not breaking eye contact, he slowly sucks. “Fuck,” Jungkook breathes, releasing them with a pop. “You’re so wet. You liked sucking my cock, huh?”

Nodding, your arms find his neck when he does it again. Jungkook fingers you slowly before, pulling out, reaches for the backpack. Unzipping the side, he retrieves a condom and lube. Breaking open a packet, he rolls the condom over himself and slicks it up.

“This good?” he murmurs, pulling you onto his lap.

Breathless, you nod, both hands on his shoulders. Slowly, your hips lower until he brushes your entrance. Stifling a gasp, you watch his eyes narrow.

“Don’t be quiet.” Using his hands, Jungkook guides you lower. “I want to hear you, Y/N.”

His cock enters barely an inch, only to stop, your head spinning. Jungkook’s grip tightens, a muscle fluttering in his jaw with visible restraint.

“Oh,” you breathe and look down. “You’re so big.”

“You can take it.” Jungkook speaks as though it’s a given.

Pleasure surges and you lower yourself another inch. It already feels like too much, too full of an already great thing. Cupping the back of your neck, Jungkook holds you against him and moves you slightly lower.

You wait for your body to catch up, muscles relaxing to sink down a bit more. This happens again and again, your body accommodating his thick girth. The lube is essential, easing you open while he takes his time. Jungkook helps you through it, teasing you with his fingers, kissing you deeply until your hips settle with his.

“Oh,” you whisper against his lips.

The position is more intimate than you thought it’d be. Seated like this, you sit face to face and feel his length inside. It’s hard to tell where you end, and he begins. Jungkook shifts, moving deeper and your entire world expands.

“Oh,” you repeat, lifting your hips. Slowly, you drop back down.

Jungkook’s groan is guttural, coming from a place deep inside. Gripping your ass, he helps you ride him – slowly, he moves you up and down on his cock. Each time you feel fuller, his length hitting a place that makes you incandescent. Rain drizzles, then stops, then starts to fall harder.

Neither of you notice, the pace increasing until you find yourself slamming down, fingernails digging into the curve of his shoulders. Grunting, his hand remains on your ass while you move on his cock.

“Fuck, yes,” Jungkook groans, watching your chest. “You’re unbelievable, Y/N.”

“You feel so fucking good,” you whimper, reaching backwards. Gripping his knees, you use these for leverage to fuck up and down.

Jungkook stares at you, dazed, and then surges forward. Bending, he sucks your nipple as you ride him, a loud moan escaping. Chest arched, you beg for more and Jungkook obeys, moving to your other breast. His other hand stays on your ass, guiding the motion of your hips with his.

You think you could do this forever and maybe you could if this weren’t your first time together. Three months of wanting and not having him have turned you desperate. You want more. Deeper. Harder. You want to feel Jungkook undone, and you want that now.

“Jungkook,” you breathe. “I need… more.”

“More?” Lifting his head, Jungkook searches. “How? Tell me what you want.”

Continuing to move your hips, you watch his face slacken. “I you to fuck me, Jungkook,” you pant, the words spilling out. “Want you to make me come without… without worrying.”

His brow lifts. “Is that all? Want me to fuck you from behind like the dirty girl you are?”

“Yes, please,” you gasp.

Lifting yourself from his cock, you ignore the sudden emptiness and turn around. Placing both hands on the blanket, you arch your back and look backwards.

Jungkook stares at you, still and you know what he must see. Legs spread, back arched and pussy on full display. You can feel how wet you are, arousal dripping from your cunt, already stretched by his cock.

“Fuck,” Jungkook mutters, scrambling upright. Getting on his knees, he positions himself behind you. Swiping through your pussy several times, he grabs the lube and dribbles more down your folds.

Dropping this, Jungkook bends and rubs your swollen clit. Positioning his cock at your entrance, Jungkook pushes inside with a single thrust. You go from absolutely nothing to being so full, you cry out his name.

Grasping the blanket, your back arches. Jungkook stays like that for a moment, letting you feel him. One hand grips your ass, sliding up your spine to push you lower. Breathless, you obey and rest both elbows on fabric.

“Just like that.” Jungkook slips two fingers to either side of his cock. Gathering lube, he slips this up and over your asshole. You whimper, turned on by the notion.

Slowly, he pulls his length out and pushes back in. Another noise escapes, fingers scrambling in blankets to push back against him.

“Please, Jungkook,” you groan. “Harder.”

“Harder?” Excruciatingly slowly, Jungkook does it again. “You need to earn it, baby. Let me know that you want this.”

Withdrawing, he pushes in leisurely from behind. He does it again and again until your toes start to curl, ass pushing backwards to take him deeper. Storm clouds roil while your frustration mounts, the need for him inside you a tangible feeling.

Eventually, you snap and turn your head around. “I swear,” you demand, gaze fixed on his. “If you don’t fuck me right now, I’ll find someone who will.”

Jungkook’s eyes dance. “You can try,” he promises, and pulls out again.

This time, Jungkook doesn’t hold back. Rain breaks, soaking the meadow when he starts pounding inside you. Jungkook’s hips slam to yours, over and over while his cock fills you.

Gasping his name, you see stars as you come together. Again and again, until you cry with pleasure and something else – something untethered and new. Reaching between your legs, you push yourself further as the pleasure builds. Feeling you flutter around him, Jungkook growls and chases his own release.

“You first,” he pants, his grip tight. “I can feel how close you are. Such a good girl, soaking my cock like I asked.”

His voice in your ear, his cock deep inside you, pushes you over the edge and shatters you to pieces. You hear the trust in his words, behind every touch while giving you parts of himself. Jungkook thrusts into you harder, shuddering into the condom as the ground shakes beneath you. Miraculously, you aren’t thinking about anything but him – not the storm, not the earth and not even your magic.

Gradually, his hips slow and Jungkook slowly pulls out. Removing the condom, he cleans you both off and pulls you down to the blanket. Stretching your limbs, the rain slows to a drizzle as your eyes open.

Nothing exists in Jungkook’s gaze but happiness, echoing yours. Pressing closer to him, your limbs entwine as you push back his hair. Suddenly sleepy, you stretch alongside him – only to notice the giant crack in the earth.

“Oh my god,” you gasp, eyes wide. “The ground!”

Craning his neck, Jungkook notices the spot. “Oops,” he says sheepishly, turning back. “Guess I got carried away.”

Shocked by his nonchalance, your gaze flicks to his. “Aren’t you… embarrassed?”

Burrowing into your neck, he pulls you closer. “Should I be? I’ll fix it – tomorrow,” Jungkook adds. “That took a lot out of me,” he chuckles, and you feel your cheeks heat.

“Yeah,” you whisper. “That was…”

“For me, too.”

Looking up, your brow furrows. “Do you think that’ll happen every time?”

“What, the giant rainstorm and the earthquake?” Seeing your face, his own softens. “I don’t know. It’s never been like that for me before.”

Something about the way Jungkook says this, almost shy, quiets a voice in your mind. The voice that insists on questioning every good thing. Pressing a light kiss to your forehead, Jungkook lies down alongside you. The two of you stay like that for a while, the clouds parting above to show a velvety sky.

Eventually, your silence turns to conversation. Everything you’ve hidden from each other trickles outward, in slow doses. Jungkook murmurs about his family, his childhood and the times he lost control. You tell him about art, about Taryn and Micah, about the easel being the one place you feel capable of using your magic.

Before long, Jungkook is hard and this time, you pull him on top. You come again – and again, your rain responding in droves. The last time, it's only a drizzle, and Jungkook barely shudders the earth. It helps, knowing what to expect and focusing solely on him.

At some point, you must doze off because you wake in Jungkook’s arms walking through the garden. He brings you upstairs, lending you toothpaste and a t-shirt from one of the bedrooms. Slipping under the covers, you smile at Jungkook when he joins you.

Before, sleeping over was impossible but now, things are different. Jungkook knows who you are. He knows everything about you and loves you anyways. Heart soaring, you trace the panes of his face in the dark. So different from the night you broke up.

Sleepy, he smiles. “Just try and break up with me,” Jungkook mumbles, turning his face from the pillow. “See what happens.”

You giggle, pressing a kiss to his chest. “That sounds like a challenge. Are you angling for make-up sex?”

“That part was fun,” he admits. “Everything else sucked.”

“It did.” Your smile fades. “Would it freak you out if I said… I don’t plan on us breaking up for a very long time? Possibly ever?”

Jungkook’s eyes open. Gently, he leans forward and captures your lips with his. This kiss is unrushed, unhurried and you hear the unsaid words. You have all the time in the world together.

“Never sounds good to me,” he murmurs, pulling back. Like that, fully grounded, you drift off into sleep.

© kpopfanfictrash, 2023. Do not copy or repost without permission.

“you were thinking of me?”

your eyes finally meet, and the curious sparkle he sees in yours makes his heart uncontrollably race inside his ribcage.

damn, he’s whipped.

“uh-uh. are you serious?”

you feign innocence, eyes going wider, surprised at his reaction.

“oh, don’t act all cute!” he exclaims, leaning back to watch an amused smile gradually form on your lips. “who else calls me in the middle of rehearsals and whines because they’re feeling needy? at three in the morning! three! huh? tell me!”

“oh my god, shut up! when will you stop bringing that up?!” you lightly punch his thigh, ashamed of your shamelessness when your yearning for your boyfriend reaches an all-time high. now that you’re being spoiled rotten with physical affection, you can no longer fathom how you used to survive it before, being distant from him for months on end. “that’s more you!”

he blinks at you, contemplating for a moment as he combs through his collection of hazy memories. “you mean, during rehearsals or at three in the morning?”

you only raise an eyebrow in response, and the corners of his eyes crinkle as he bursts into a fit of giggles. uh-oh, this is what you must look like when you scold him for being frisky over the phone while you’re out in public, forcing you to bring the brightness of your phone all the way down or to hastily plug in your earphones.

the truth is he wants to kiss you more when you get a little mean, though he refuses to say it out loud because he knows that you won’t ever stop using it against him the same way you purposely wear red when you want to test his self-control.

“alright, so i’m crazy about you, and i even sing songs about it. sue me!”

you intertwine your fingers together, concealing a smile by planting a chaste kiss on the purple heart permanently inked on the back of his hand. “i’d rather touch you.”

at that, his hooded gaze travels down south where your crop top couldn’t reach, watching your stomach unsteadily rise and fall, and the butterfly-shaped jewelry that pierces your belly button seems to flutter its wings with every breath you take.

his teeth tugs at his bottom lip before his tongue sweeps over it, a cheeky smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

“would you mind if i touch you first?”

—

taglist in the reblogs! send an ask/dm if you want to be added (or removed) :D

Magic, to you, has never been a boon.

Despite its romanticization in movies and stories, the reality of magic is messy and unpredictable. As dangerous as it can be fickle, your mom likes to say. Usually followed by a glance in your direction, swift enough for you not to notice, although you always do.

Either that, or an unconscious tilt her chin towards the photograph on the mantle. You aren’t sure she even realizes she does it, acting on instinct alone. The photo is of your dad, holding you on his shoulders with an ear-to-ear grin. He was the other Elemental in your family.

Even with only one magical parent, the Elemental gene tends to be passed on to children. Your dad’s magic was water, skilled in manipulating and calling forth the element. He was lauded for it, which was in itself unusual. More often, Elementals are run out of town by other humans. Although time has gone by since societal integration, there are still many who view your kind with suspicion.

You can’t say that you blame them – not really. Because again, the reality of magic is it can be dangerous. Based on experience, bad things tend to happen when you lose control.

Head tilted, you squint through the fog at your boyfriend’s apartment. For centuries, fog has been heralded as an ill omen and maybe there’s some degree of truth to it. Maybe the first speaker lived near a temperamental water Elemental, unable to keep their emotions from manipulating the weather.

Thoughts souring at how close to reality this feels, you shake your head once and some of the fog clears.

A pep talk, you think. That’s what you need to convince yourself to enter. Unseasonably chilly this late in the summer, your fingers curl into the ends of your sweater. Going inside would be preferrable to standing out in the cold, and yet you can’t manage a single step.

Better to stand in the cold than enter and shatter.

Again, you remind yourself you’re doing the right thing and again, this doesn’t help. If anything, it makes you clutch your sweater tighter. For once, you wish doing the right thing meant what’s right for you. Exhaling deeply, your eyes shut as a train passes and shakes the ground.

You began dating Jungkook three months ago and within a week, you knew it was different. You have a tendency to hide pieces of yourself, knowing most people won’t like what they find. Jungkook never allowed that to happen. The first time you ghosted, he showed up at your favorite coffee shop the next morning and asked what had gone wrong. Taken aback, you responded honestly and to your surprise, Jungkook listened.

He stayed. Stayed when others had run, cementing himself on a short list of people you can trust. Three months into dating, things have moved at once fast and slow. Fast because typically, you exit relationships long before feelings like these ones develop. Slow, because you haven’t given Jungkook every part of yourself.

Physical intimacy comes to mind. On several occasions, this has proved… difficult.

Eyes opening, you stare at the door. Memories of last night rise to the surface. For a long time, you’ve known this relationship has an end date. Knowing this doesn’t prepare you for the difficult conversation ahead.

The last time you saw Jungkook was after midnight. Fat raindrops chased your footsteps while you ran from his place, descending the subway at a record pace. The look on his face remains stuck in your mind and even now, you find the thought hard to revisit.

Imagining hurting Jungkook again is unfathomable. Stifling a gasp, you spin on your heel and march away. Halfway to the gate, you get a grip on yourself. Coming to a stop, you remind yourself this isn’t about you. Jungkook will hate you – there’s nothing to do about that now. Now, this is about Jungkook and ensuring he’s safe.

Slowly, you turn around and make your way forward. In the name of procrastination, you stop at a trash can to clean out your purse. Old receipts, gum wrappers and a crumpled-up napkin shake into the bin. You pause at the napkin, staring at the embossed name of the restaurant you work at. Or – more accurately – worked at.

Slamming the trash lid, you turn. You began work at Pierre’s Bistro two months ago as a temporary measure. Ideally, you paint but lately, inspiration has run dry. Waiting tables pays the bills, leaving time at the end of the day to stare at a blank canvas.

Pierre’s is an upscale French restaurant a few blocks down with semi-decent food and waiting tables would be fine if the owner – Pierre – weren’t a massive asshole. Now that you don’t work there, you can be honest about that. Pierre was the most sexist, elitist, capitalistic piece of shit you’ve ever had the displeasure of working for. While on his payroll, you tried to make the best of it but now, you have nothing to lose. Pierre was a dick.

A point he proved yet again last night, much to your mortification. You prefer working the lunch shift to dinner, and weekdays to weekends. Saturday nights are worst of all, and last night Pierre didn’t arrive until well after six. You were forced to cover the entire front section, picking up for a co-worker who called in sick.

Rushing from the bar, you nearly crashed into your boss removing his coat. Grabbing you by the elbow, Pierre steadied you, his hand lingering.

“Whoa, where’s the fire?” he joked.

You forced a smile. Experience has taught you the best thing to do in those types of situations is to smile and laugh.

“No fire. Lots of customers! Excuse me,” you said and tried to move past.

Pierre didn’t release you. If anything, his grip on you tightened until you turned your head.

“Yes?” you said, impatient.

Pierre didn’t respond, looking you slowly up and down. Eventually, he released you to take a step backwards. “Nothing,” he said carefully. “Be careful out there tonight.”

Trying not to gag on his words, you moved on. Unfortunately, it was hard to escape Pierre’s notice once caught. From that point on, each of your flaws were held under a microscope. First, it was that you didn’t fold the napkins correctly. Next, you took a wandering path from kitchen to table. Each time you entered the dining room, scornful words were covered by simpering smiles.

By the time your shift end approached, you could barely keep going. A large group had entered and, seeing the host occupied, you took it upon yourself to seat them at your last table. Fixing your apron, you hurried through the restaurant and into the kitchen.

Grabbing another table’s dishes, you thanked the cook and pushed open the door. Immediately, arms shoved you back in. Startled, you barely had time to recognize the host, Vanessa, before the doors swung shut.

“Vanessa?” you said, adjusting your grip. “What’s going on?”

Harried, she glanced over one shoulder. “Sorry,” she sighed, curly hair slipping from her messy bun. “I wanted to warn you before you went back out. Pierre is pissed.”

Your stomach sank. “Pissed… at me?”

She nodded, another dark curl escaping. “Something about saving the table up front for his friends? Bullshit, yes,” she said at your expression. “But you know how he is.”

“Yeah, I know,” you muttered. Deciding there was nothing to be done but keep moving, you hefted your plates higher. “Okay, thanks for the warning. I need to get these to table ten.”

“No problem,” she said and stepped out of your way.

You walked inside with slightly less spring in your step. Pierre lounged near the bar, surrounded by a group of people you could only assume to be friends. Although you felt his gaze on your face, you avoided him the best you could while you made your rounds. Taking the long way to the kitchen, you passed in front of the window.

Which was the moment you noticed Jungkook waiting for you on the curb. He stood beneath a streetlight, light pooling around the ends of his dark hair. When he saw you approach, his face lit up and he smiled.

Cursing beneath your breath, you smiled back. You were supposed to be done a half-hour ago, but there hadn’t been a good time yet to stop. Waving back, you mouthed, just a minute, and frantically pushed through the crowd to the back.

Merely seeing his face lifted a weight from your chest. It was easy to be around Jungkook because he liked every part of you. You never felt the urge to pretend, to curve yourself into something someone else would find pleasurable.

Well, he liked every part except one – and you were working on telling him that.

Hurrying into the staff room, you forgot your plan to avoid Pierre. You nearly jumped a mile when a hand grabbed your elbow, spinning you to face your fuming manager.

Pierre stared down his nose. “Follow me,” he snapped, releasing your arm to spin around.

He passed tables full of patrons, leading you to the bar before turning. “Y/N,” Pierre said, his voice dropping. “Are things okay tonight?”

“Yes,” you responded, deciding one-word answers were safest.

“Then why, exactly, are you fucking this up?”

Your jaw tensed. “I wasn’t aware I was doing so,” you said carefully.

“The napkins?” Pierre made a tsk-ing sound. “How many times should I say that presentation is important? Not to mention your laziness. One of your tables had to flag me down to ask for a refill. And now, you gave away the front table.” His expression darkened. “What makes you think you, a fucking waitress, can step in for a host? You sat someone at the table I personally reserved for my friends!”

You shouldn’t have responded. You should have stayed quiet and yet –

“There was no name in the book,” you muttered.

“What’s that?” Pierre waited and, when you stayed silent, shook his head. “I hadn’t had time to write their name down, but I told Vanessa, who assured me it’d happen. Of course, she wasn’t taking into consideration Y/N, the wonder waitress! Taking everyone’s jobs and making them harder.”

At your sides, your hands balled into fists. It took a greater amount of concentration than normal to keep your emotions from spilling over.

Of course, there were explanations for Pierre’s accusations. The napkins were correct before he jostled the table. You had been circulating your tables and if you were unavailable, it was because of his poor staffing. Oh, and – he didn’t make a reservation for his friends.

Slowly, you exhaled and stuffed down the responses. Deep down, with other emotions and magic. Beyond Pierre, a glass trembled but once you relaxed, the water went still.

“I apologize,” you said, not meeting his gaze. “I’ll do better next time.”

Pierre sniffed. “See that you do,” he said, brushing past. Grabbing a beer from the bar, you heard his friends burst into raucous laughter. Apparently, your humiliation was entertaining.

Heaving a small sigh, you turned – and froze where you stood.

Outside, Jungkook stared into the restaurant with murderous eyes. Too late, you realized Pierre had pulled you in front of the window. Away from anyone dining, but in full view of anyone on the sidewalk. Like your boyfriend, who witnessed the entire spectacle.

For a moment, your emotions overwhelmed, and you felt magic crack the walls you kept hidden. Embarrassment crept past your boundaries. Humiliation. Fury. Stuffing everything back, you quickly turned to rush through the tables.

Jungkook’s gaze snapped towards you, his brow furrowing. Reaching the staff room, you paced up and down. Jungkook saw you. He saw Pierre’s outburst, which meant you’d have to explain. You’d have to explain to Jungkook – the only person whose opinion you cared about – why you allowed other people to walk all over you.

He’d start to ask questions. Questions like, when was the last time you really got mad? You’d have no good response. Not because you don’t get mad, because you do. But because you don’t ever allow yourself to act on the feeling.

Faced with the prospect of brushing him off, you buried your face in both hands. Your usual excuses wore thin in your ears.

Pierre isn’t so bad. It was a one-time thing. You promise you’ll talk to Pierre tomorrow.

None of it would be true, and you didn’t want to lie to Jungkook. People never understood why you wouldn’t stand up for yourself, but the answer was complicated.

Your last date said you lacked emotions, but you don’t think that’s it. Of course, you have feelings, but those feelings are buried beneath so many layers, they can be hard to see. It’s not that you don’t feel, it’s that you cannot.

When you feel, your magic reacts, and people get hurt.

That was the last part of yourself you kept hidden. Jungkook is normal and he doesn’t know you’re an Elemental.

You know that by now, you should have said something. Obviously, but the timing was never right. Twenty-five years old, and you still aren’t sure how to broach the conversation. Few people know what you are, so you haven’t had much experience with the explanation. Your magic isn’t something you use if you can help it.

Yet another lesson you learned from your mom.

Your dad, an Elemental, died when you were five. Before, you lived near the ocean on a flat strip of sand. Your memories from before then are faint, but whenever you try, you can hear his booming laugh. Can feel the salt sting your cheeks, your mom tossing you in the air while you spun around.

Everything afterwards faded. At five years old, a hurricane swept past the barrier islands and that, you remember. You recall your mom at the door, pleading with your dad not to go as he donned his jacket. You remember him holding her hand, kissing the top of your head, and saying he’d return soon. Not many Elementals lived in your area, and even fewer had water magic.

You recall the hours passing, stretching longer and longer until dawn approached. Flashing lights followed, a woman climbing from her car to speak to your mom. You recall the sound of your mom sobbing, the policewoman’s voice floating into the house.

The storm surge was stronger than expected, but your dad managed to divert the worst. He saved the town only to be hit by a bolt of lightning. Instant death, the policewoman said, her tone implying this might be a comfort. Chest tight, your fingertips dug into the railing. Comfort meant nothing when your dad was gone. The irony struck you even back then – your dad saved others, and no one came to save him.

For weeks following, your mom was a ghost. At first, neighbors stopped by to drop off casseroles and condolences. Soon though, their sympathy stopped, and the whispers began. You were young enough not to notice, too consumed by the enormity of your own loss.

Eventually though, you noticed something was off. Suspicious eyes followed you down the sidewalk. Mothers clutched at their children, hurrying them to the side of an empty street. One day, you traipsed downstairs and overheard your mom on the phone.

She sat at the kitchen table, facing away from the staircase. You paused on the landing, listening to your aunt’s voice blast on speakerphone.

“Nonsense,” she was saying. “Your husband was a hero, and anyone saying otherwise is cracked. He saved your town!”

“I know.” Your mom blew her nose. “But now, people are wondering if he caused the storm. They’re saying maybe he… made the hurricane. It’s this new mayor,” she said, frustrated. “He hates Elementals and keeps insisting our family orchestrated this to collect money. He says –”

“Oh, no.” Your aunt sounded furious. “Don’t you repeat a single word that hateful man says.”

“He has a point, though,” your mom said, her voice low. “Did you hear about Uniontown? A fire Elemental accidentally set their barn on fire. Nearly burned the whole town. Magic is dangerous. I tried to warn him, but he wouldn’t listen, and now –”

“When was the last time your husband lost control, though? Are you saying you think he caused a hurricane?”

“God, no!” You watched your mom straighten. “But there are people saying… awful things.”

“Some people aren’t worth listening to.”

“I know.” Wearily, she exhaled. “They’re talking about Y/N, too, though. Apparently, she caused a tidal wave at the pool last weekend.”

Hearing your name said out loud, you shrank back in the shadows. You weren’t aware your mom knew about that, or that she cared. Bobby Clemmons teased Judith Bryce about her hair until finally, you snapped. Bobby was swept to the other end of the pool, much to Judith’s relief. She thanked you repeatedly.

Bobby was fine, except for some water up his nose. From the way he carried on though, you’d have thought he broke his arm.

Your mother lowered her voice, as though magic was something to be mentioned only in whispers. For the first time, a sense of shame crept over you. Your dad had always been open about magic, though stern. Stern in his belief magic should help people, not hurt. Never once did your dad insinuate magic itself was the problem.

Magic is dangerous.

Your mom’s words on the phone sank in as, your head pounding as you turned around to run up the steps. Even at six, you felt panic. If magic was dangerous and you were magical – that meant you were dangerous, too.

Slipping beneath your comforter, you stared at your shaking hands. Rain hit your windows, snowballing your worry to full-on fear. By the time your mom rushed upstairs, you were rocking under the covers as a storm raged.

She helped to calm you down, got your magic under control and a month after, you moved far away from the sea. A version of yourself vanished as you passed the pier. Despite this, you felt instant relief at the thought of control.

You remember your mom smiling when you joined the highway. “This will be good,” she said, her voice cracking slightly. “A fresh start, away from it all. You can be whoever you want to be, Y/N.”

Except for the person you actually were.

Her meaning was clear, even if she didn’t say it out loud. At the time, you found the thought soothing. If you didn’t want to use magic, you didn’t have to. You never had to become your dad, who all your friends said had caused the bad storm. Even the news had turned against you.

Earth Elemental suspected behind San Raoul earthquake!

Jailed air Elemental claims innocence against onslaught of tornadoes!

Fire Elementals flee after string of arson!

Always the exclamation point. Always the lurid fascination that blame could be pinned on a single person. New rules were implemented in the house. No magic, except in your mom’s presence. This soon became no magic at all, but you didn’t mind. Whenever you did use magic, it felt wild, chaotic – the opposite of how you wanted to feel.

Your early years were marked by the struggle to conceal your powers. Years passed without incident and then, something would happen, and you’d have to move. Your mom never begrudged you, simply packed the house to travel to the next city. Each time, you promised you’d do better but by the time you realized school wasn’t for you, you had moved no less than six times.

Art was a risk, though one you found necessary.

Creation meant tapping into emotion, but you found methods of coping. Painting was the only place you loosened the reins on your magic, and so it became an outlet of sorts. A release, preventing your emotions from spilling into unwanted places.

There were other strategies, as well. Deep breathing. Counting backwards from one hundred. Focusing on one point, then on another until the magic calmed in your veins. Until you forgot the dangerous and destructive water around you.

Some people proved more reactionary to you than others. With some people, your magic responded so strongly, you were forced to cut them out completely. The first person this happened with was your best friend, Katrina. You were fourteen when she confided in you her family was fire Elementals. In response, your magic surged.

For a glorious summer, you practiced magic in secret. Each morning, you and Katrina bounded through the woods towards the far creek. You summoned great waves of water for Katrina to singe into mist. Everything was fine until late one evening, your mom caught you. She witnessed the combined magic and lost her temper.

Dragging you from the woods, your mom slammed the front door in Katrina’s face. She sat you down at the kitchen table, delivering a scolding you’ve never forgotten.

Do you know how reckless you were? What if a tree had caught fire? What if you altered the town’s water supply? What if someone saw and the next time a disaster happened, they blamed it on you – or Katrina?

Stricken by these very real possibilities, you promised not to do it again. Although you begged not to move, your mom packed the next day – your fastest exit ever.

The second time you cut someone out was after high school. Elliot was an artist, a quiet guy who dabbled with oils. He saw you painting one day in the park and silently set up his easel beside yours. This happened for weeks until he asked you out. Your ensuing romance was brief and sweet, and your feelings grew within a short period of time.

When Elliot told you he loved you, you dissolved into panic. You could feel how your magic responded, reaching for water that surged through his tiny apartment. Tossing on clothes, you stammered apologies and fled into the night.

For weeks following, it rained. Enough for the reporters to forecast local flooding. The fact terrified you – imagining people trapped on top of cars, small businesses flooded, the Red Cross called in to ferry locals to safety. It took your mom flying out to put you at ease, clearing the skies and regaining control.

Since then, you haven’t let anyone else past your inner walls. Until Jungkook.

Swallowing hard, you stare at his apartment and wonder if you’ll survive. Breaking up with Elliot is one of your worst memories and you only felt a fraction of what you do for Jungkook. Maybe you’ll conjure a hurricane, bringing the events of your life full circle.

Shutting your eyes, you rub at them dully. There’s no point in wondering what-if. You need to end it now, before things get worse. All day, you’ve gone over the facts and arrived at the same conclusion.

As expected, Jungkook was livid about Pierre last night. He wanted to confront your boss himself, although quickly backed off when he realized this was your battle. This though, turned to confusion when you said your intent to do nothing.

Although you tried the usual excuses, none of them stuck. Even if it was just once, Jungkook argued, it shouldn’t go unnoticed. You snapped slightly at this, insisting you’d deal with things in your own time.

Getting angry near Jungkook was peculiar. Suddenly, you became aware of the water around you. Thick, leaden pipes lacing Jungkook’s walls. Moisture that hung in the air, in the clouds – within his very veins. The thought terrified you, wondering what you might do accidentally.

Your panic must have been visible, because Jungkook instantly softened. Crossing the room, he pulled you into his arms.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured into your hair. “It’s just… I hate seeing you hurt. Of course, you know what’s best. I’m sorry I doubted you.”

His grip grounded you, enough that your magic dissipated, and that you realized a truth you’d hidden for some time.

You were in love with Jungkook.

No one in your life had ever been like him. Someone who was always in your corner, who protected you when they could and lifted up parts they couldn’t. Someone who liked everything about you – even the parts you weren’t brave enough to admit.

Studying his face, you tried to ignore the sudden ache in your chest. Even last night, you knew the inevitable. Memorizing his face, you tried hard to hold on. Jungkook’s slightly rounded nose, his full bottom lip accentuated by two piercings. Dark hair fell over his forehead; strong features contrasted by a soft gaze.

Jungkook watched you as well, and you wondered if he felt the same. Wondered why he’d commit you to memory, since you were the lucky one. He was the miracle, and you were biding your time.

Bending, he lightly brushed your mouth against his. Instantly, you melted. It wasn’t your first kiss and prayed it wouldn’t be the last, but something about last night felt different. Walking the two of you backwards, Jungkook pressed you against the wall and kissed you harder. His touch became desperate, one hand sliding beneath the lines of your blouse.

Your breath hitched at the brush of his fingers, delicious and warm against skin. His touch unknotted a hidden, tangled piece of your soul.

Ever since you met Jungkook, you’d held yourself separate. When you asked him to go slow in the beginning, he agreed. Touching was fine. Kissing was fine. Anything more, and you lost control.

About a month into dating, you met Jungkook at a bar and got tipsy. Three drinks in, you were frantically making out in an alley outside. Jungkook panted, “my place?” against your mouth, and you nodded. The journey back to his place was fast and slow, pausing in every dark place to drag his mouth to yours.

The second his door shut, you found yourself stumbling – into his bedroom, his bed, the confines of his heart. Shoes were discarded with every step, and Jungkook couldn’t seem to keep his hands to himself. You returned his fervor in spades, nipping his lower lip to watch him smile.

When he fell back on the bed, you saw his pulse quicken. Staring up at you, Jungkook watched your clothing disappear with a gaze so dark, it bordered on onyx. Climbing onto him, you resumed kissing with a newfound reverence. Eyes falling shut, you did your best to stay present.

Each brush of his lips was combustive, each touch of his hands filling you with sharp, pulsing light. And then –

The sink and shower in his bathroom burst on.

Startled, you pulled away and realized it had been you. Your magic had caused it, flooding his bathroom with water. Swearing under his breath, Jungkook scrambled out of bed to hastily turn off both faucets.

You sat there on his bed, heart pounding with fear. By the time he returned, you were already dressed and mortified. Jungkook was all apologies, certain he’d moved too fast, but you assured him he hadn’t. Anything that happened, you were an equal participant – too much maybe, although you didn’t say so out loud.

Lying in bed that night, you stared up at your ceiling. For a moment, it felt as though you were six and under the covers at your old house. Magic was dangerous. You would eventually hurt someone. Dread pooled in your stomach, recognizing the truth. If you couldn’t control your magic around Jungkook, you’d have to end things.

Heartache chased the thought, filling you with so much panic, you nearly drowned. Pushing this aside, you simply resolved to do better. To be better and keep both Jungkook and magic. This was simply another challenge; you owned your magic, not the other way around.

Thus, began the two best and worst months of your life. The best, since you’ve been dating Jungkook and the worst, because at every moment, you’re terrified of hurting him. Walking a line as thin as a razor, you’ve fallen in love while trying your best not to feel.

Until last night, you thought you’d been successful. Life was mostly under control, but then the Pierre debacle took place. Then Jungkook kissed you with such intensity, you forgot who you were and why you’d been holding back. Two long months of restraint and suddenly, you came undone at the seams.

Before long, you were again in his bedroom. Jungkook stripped off his clothes, bare skin pressing to yours with a searing intensity. Pulling you over him, a low hiss escaped while he kissed your throat. Even through his boxers, you could feel how hard Jungkook was. How badly he wanted this; a need you returned.

The thought of him inside you made you frantic. Pushing Jungkook onto his back, you straddled his waist and rocked forward.

Jungkook lay underneath you, his hair a dark halo. Suddenly, you could feel water everywhere. Magic, everywhere – it was in you, around you, in Jungkook’s walls and molecules. Everything felt so utterly fragile, and your magic responded.

Ferocious, it strained at your self-crafted bonds. Realizing how precarious your grasp on control was, your emotions slipped into panic.

You had to leave. Now.

Sensing the change in your body, Jungkook paused.

“I – I’m sorry,” you blurted, scrambling off him. Bending for your pants, you pushed one leg through and hastily zipped. “I need to go.”

Jungkook stared, frozen in place. “I…” Shaking his head, he pushed a hand through his hair. “What’s going on? Did I do something wrong?”

Stomach dropping, you roughly shook your head. Part of you ached to correct him but your magic was barely leashed, and you weren’t certain how much longer it’d hold.

Your magic wasn’t something you wanted Jungkook to see.

Frantically throwing on your shirt, you rushed towards his front door. His dog, Bam, whined from the couch and lifted his head as you passed. Yanking open his door, you escaped to the hall and downstairs. You heard Jungkook call after, but he didn’t follow, for which you were grateful.

Remembering his face broke your heart as you entered the subway. You kept your magic at bay until reaching your building, at which point rain swept the city in waves. Soaked through, you got in the elevator and saw Jungkook had texted. Shaking, you responded you’d talk to him tomorrow and turned off your phone.

Rain poured all night and you barely slept. By the time you woke, your mood had gotten worse. Work was torture. Even the lunch shift couldn’t save you, the looming specter of Jungkook impossible to forget. When Pierre showed up around one, you knew you were doomed. His glower could be felt all the way across the restaurant and no matter what you did, you somehow stayed in his way.

With little to no sleep and haunted by last night, the grip on your magic was tentative at best. Your entire shift, it hovered at the edge of your fingers. When Pierre commented you looked tired, the rain outside worsened. When a table of middle-aged men called you ‘girlie,’ their water glasses shook.

It was miraculous nothing happened until the end of your shift. That was the moment Pierre’s friends arrived, seating themselves at the table you gave away last night. One of them laughed as you poured them water, and you managed to push down your snide remark.

Glasses full, you turned around to go and the same one grabbed your waist.

You went still.

For so long, you’ve hidden your magic to protect others. You’ve kept them from hurting and there you were, broken, and no one cared about you. Just like no one cared about your dad, in the end. Teeth gritted, you whirled – and the entire water pitcher dumped itself at him.

At him, not on him.

You didn’t trip. Didn’t throw the water, although either would have been preferrable. Instead, the water leapt from the pitcher to slap the man in the face.

Horrified, you stared as reality sunk in. You had just assaulted a guest – a friend of Pierre’s, at that.

Shocked, the man wiped water down his visage. The entire restaurant fell silent, every eye in the room locked on you. Panic-stricken, you stammered an apology, flung a napkin on the table and fled into the kitchen.

The moment you crashed through the doors, you were hailed a hero. Izumi, your line cook, wistfully recalled the one time she punched a guy who grabbed her ass. Georgina added that once, she spit in the drink of a man who called her a bitch.

Both tactfully avoided the fact that you were an Elemental, which you appreciated. You were starting to feel marginally better – maybe you wouldn’tbe fired, after all – when the door to the kitchen swung open and Pierre stormed through. Seeing his face, your heart sank.

“You!” Spittle flew from his lips as he pointed. “Y/N – pack your things! You’re done here. Fired. You think you can insult my friend, pull some magic bullshit on him, and continue to work here? Fuck that. Get out – now!”

A pin could have been heard in the silence. Coming to your senses, you did exactly as asked and got your things. Pierre hadn’t mentioned pressing charges, and you didn’t want to stick around long enough to find out.

Outside, you stood on the sidewalk and stared at the bus stop. Storm clouds brewed above, a visualization of your inner turmoil. Eventually, you turned and trudged down the subway.

Things had reached a point you couldn’t ignore anymore. You were beyond out of control. Emotions surged and strained against your internal walls, threatening everyone you held dear. The city didn’t deserve to be punished, even if no one within it knew of your sacrifice. Pierre’s friends were awful, but you could’ve just as easily lost your temper with someone you loved.

Someone like Jungkook, whom you couldn’t seem to be around without incident.

That was the reason most people feared Elementals. It was selfish of you to put your desires ahead of another person’s safety. The only way to protect someone you loved was to stay away.

Starting with Jungkook. You just wished he didn’t have to get hurt in order for that to happen.

Standing outside his building, you take a deep breath and press the buzzer. You wait for several long moments, wondering if he’s home and then –

“Hello?” Jungkook’s voice crackles over the speaker.

Leaning in, you press 316. “Hey. It’s me. Y/N.”

A weighted pause, and then –

“Come in.”

The door unlocks, and you push it inside. Climbing the steps to his place, your heart starts to pound. The last time you saw Jungkook, you were running away. The last text he sent was, ‘ok,’ in response to your message. If you were Jungkook, you wouldn’t be thrilled to see you.

Coming to a stop outside 316, you lift your hand and knock. A howl responds, followed by the patter of gigantic dog footsteps. Unable to stop your smile, you shake your head at the chaos.

“It’s just me, Bam!” you say, and he stops.

Bam’s howl is replaced with a whine and the sharp thwack-thwack of his tail on the door.

“Bam, out of the way,” Jungkook calls, his voice coming closer. A few seconds later, the door flies open to reveal your boyfriend.

You only catch a glimpse before Bam barrels out, nearly knocking you over. Legs and tail akimbo, he slobbers all over until you bend to pet him. Once satisfied, Bam turns around and trots back inside.

Silence falls between you, and you look up to see Jungkook. He’s dressed casually, sweatpants and a t-shirt bought at a concert you attended. He hasn’t moved aside, blocking you from entering.

Uncertain, you straighten. “Can I come in?”

Slowly, he nods and moves. You walk past him, trying not to focus on the heat of his shoulder. This might be the last time you see Jungkook, so you try to focus on that. Not the prospect of what you’re about to do.

Hearing the door shut, you take a deep breath and turn to face him. “I can’t stay too long,” you admit, digging your nails into the palms of your hands.

Jungkook regards you warily. His expression makes your chest ache, unused to him with such a stern expression. After last night, you suppose it’s earned. You should probably get used to it.

“Y/N.” His jaw works. “What’s going on?”

Deciding honesty is the best policy – up to a point – you force out your next words. “I think we should break up,” you say in a rush.

With a low whine, Bam slinks in the direction of the bedroom. Jungkook glances at him, distracted, before facing forward.

“What do you mean?” His head tilts. “Like, you want to take a break?”

Steeling yourself, you shake your head. “No. As in, I want to break up. Permanently.”

A train passes by the building, rumbling the floorboards underneath. Most people would avoid living in this building for that reason, but Jungkook was overjoyed by the prospect of discounted rent.

He doesn’t seem overjoyed now, though. Instead, he looks stricken.

“Walk me through this,” Jungkook says, walking closer. The set of his mouth has turned stubborn. “I don’t follow. Why are we breaking up again?”

The knot in your chest tightens. You should have known Jungkook wouldn’t make this easy on you. “We’re not good together,” you say, only to correct yourself. “I mean, I’m not good for you. I’m not in a place where I can be in a relationship.”

He comes to a stop. “I can wait, Y/N. I don’t mind.”

Reaching for you, Jungkook’s brows crease when you take a step backwards. His hand falls between you, and he stares at the empty space. The crack in your heart widens, made worse by his silence.

“I mind, though,” you force yourself to say. “I can’t ask you to wait for me, Jungkook. That’s not fair to either of us. It’s too much pressure.”

The words make your heart splinter, reaching a point you aren’t sure can be reassembled. Maybe the pieces will simply lodge in your muscle, bruising your insides each time you draw breath.

“I won’t pressure you,” Jungkook says, automatic. His frown deepens. “Tell me what this is really about, Y/N. Is this about sex? It’s fine if we don’t have it.” Stepping closer, he takes your hand and you let him. “I just want you to be honest with me.”

Somewhat manic, you shake your head – and then nod.

Sex is a part of the problem, but it’s not the root cause. Sex with Jungkook is unthinkable. You can barely remain in control when you kiss, let alone allow more. With your past partners, this wasn’t an issue, but your past partners weren’t Jungkook.

Never have you met someone able to scramble your thoughts with a kiss. Whose gaze melted inhibitions and tore down every wall. You have little doubt that with Jungkook, you’d lose full control, and the thought is terrifying. Already, your makeshift barriers are weakened.

Rain splatters against the window, and your stomach lurches.

“Seriously, Y/N,” Jungkook says, returning your attention to him. “What’s this about? I can tell something’s on your mind.”

He takes your other hand, and you realize how close he stands. “Is it work?” Jungkook asks, a crease between brows. “Is there… some reason you can’t quit? You can tell me, Y/N.”

An odd zing of disappointment goes through you. For a moment, you thought Jungkook had guessed your secret, and this could all be avoided. If Jungkook knew what you were and that you lied to him – well, he’d end things for you. Hesitant, you consider revealing that truth but can’t seem to form words. It would devastate you, seeing fear replace love in his eyes.

“Work isn’t the problem,” you say at last. “It’s us, Jungkook. Or – it’s me. I don’t want to be together anymore.”

Disbelief flashes across his expression, and you idly wonder what will happen if Jungkook refuses. Even as you think this though, his expression shifts. Jungkook takes a careful step backwards, dropping your hands entirely.

He’s never been good at hiding emotion. Jungkook is your opposite in that way, revealing every shift of thought and desire. You watch confusion become anger, then bitterness a moment before he turns away. The set of his shoulders is still, staring out the window as yet another train passes.

Restless, he turns to drag a hand through his hair. “I don’t believe you,” he declares. “This is so out of nowhere, Y/N. What aren’t you telling me?”

“I’m telling you everything,” you say, panic rising. “And this isn’t out of nowhere! I’ve been telling you for months I need to take things slow and this – well, this is the opposite of slow, Jungkook!”

Jungkook stares back at you, heated. “Yeah, I guess so.”

The two of you stand there for a moment, the tension thick in between you. Eventually, you look away first and pull your bag tighter.

“Right,” you exhale. “Well, I should go –”

Striding forward, Jungkook reaches you to cup your face with both palms. Gently, he lifts your face towards him, and all thoughts cease completely. Gaze searching, his breath fans across your parted lips.

Jungkook’s gaze intensifies. “I don’t believe you,” he murmurs.

Adrenaline zips under your skin, stirring your magic into a deadly storm. Entire body tense, you suppress the urge to fight or flee. So often, you’re the one running but right now, you feel more compelled to fight.

A knife in you twists, knowing you’re a coward. If you were stronger, you could keep Jungkook. No matter how understanding he is, the fact remains that if he stays with you, Jungkook remains in danger. Each passing day only worsens the pain.

His face blurs. With a start of surprise, you realize there are tears on your cheeks. The furrow between Jungkook’s brows deepens, noticing as well.

“You’re not listening,” you blurt. “I can’t see you any longer, Jungkook. It’s in your best interest, I promise – I can’t do this. It’s too much.”

Reaching up, you remove his hands from your face and head for the door.

Jungkook follows close behind. “Which is it, then?” he demands. “You want me to go slowly, or you feel too much?”

Pressure weighs every inch of your skin, demanding you answer. Anything that comes out now will only make things harder. Reaching the door, you feel Jungkook’s hand on your shoulder. Caving, you don’t fight when Jungkook turns you to face him.

He’s too close to you. Too much and too close, his one hand sliding to cup the back of your neck. Slowly, his thumb strokes the elongated line of your throat. You swallow, hard, and his gaze follows the motion.

Jungkook’s gaze flicks to yours. “You keep saying you’re no good for me,” he says, his voice low. “But what if I don’t care? Don’t I get a say in this decision?”

The force of holding in your magic worsens, becoming near impossible. Hastily built walls threaten to collapse, and reality blurs between one moment and the next.

“I’m sorry,” you blurt, your hand searching behind you. “I have to go.”

Finding the doorknob, you twist and stumble backwards. Jungkook watches you go, the look on his face physically painful as you turn around. Each second that follows is pure concentration, trying not to break before getting outside.

The ocean is only a few blocks from Jungkook’s apartment.

Reaching the harbor, rain pelts your face in a way that feels punishing. Magic makes your limbs tremble, escaping your body in wisps of fog and rain. The moment you arrive at the harbor, you shatter, collapsing forward to grip your knees with both hands.

Eyes pressed tightly shut, you hear the storm howl. Waves churn the harbor, sloshing over the sidewalk in an attempt to get closer. No tidal waves, you plead in an attempt at reason. No whirlpools, no water spouts.

Your magic listens in this regard, at least. By the time your eyes open, a curtain of rain mingles with tears on your cheeks. Staring out at the ocean, each inch of your body is numb.

Jungkook will never forgive you for this.

The thought banishes all the rest. You can’t say that you blame him. Slowly, you exhale as you lift your gaze. The chasm in your chest widens, becoming something unbreachable. This is all your fault. You wish there was some satisfaction in knowing this, but there isn’t.

Eventually, the rain dulls, and you push yourself upright. Your sneakers squish with every step, the silence all-encompassing as you ride on the subway. Entering the building, you remove your shoes and collapse on your bed, fully clothed. Thankfully, your roommate isn’t home, so you aren’t forced to explain the events of tonight. Seokjin would have wanted to discuss, and you aren’t sure you can without breaking down.

Burrowing your face into the pillows, you manage to cry yourself asleep. Rain doesn’t let up the entire night.

“Tell me again.” Taking a seat at the table, Seokjin spoons yogurt and berries into his mouth. “Why did you have to end things with your boyfriend?”

Cracking open one eye, you glare from where you sit, slumped forward. “You know why, Seokjin,” you grumble. “Not all of us can be air Elementals in perfect control of their magic.”

“You could be, though,” he says, pointing with his spoon. “If you put in like, five seconds of training and embraced your water powers instead of running away whenever things got bad.”

“I am not running.”

“No.” Seokjin lifts a brow. “You’re cowering, which is far less attractive.”

“I’m not cowering, either.” Scowling, you bury your head deeper into your arms. “I’m wallowing. Big difference.”

Scoffing, his spoon scrapes the bottom of the bowl. Pushing his chair back to stand, Seokjin heads for the sink and turns on the tap. The water itches a spot deep in your chest, almost taunting.

“I can’t be too hard on you, though,” Seokjin says as he cleans. “You did get fired and dumped in one day – that’s pretty rough.”

“Does it count as being dumped if I did the dumping?”

“I’ll allow it.” He opens the dishwasher. “But only because really, you didn’t want to break up with Jungkook. You’ve just convinced yourself the world is better off without you – something I highly disagree with, by the way, but can’t fault you for feeling. It’s too sad.”

“Thanks,” you mumble, and close your eyes.

Two days have gone by since your decision to end your relationship with Jungkook. It hasn’t been great, to put things mildly. On Monday, you barely left your room and rain poured from the sky. When you did enter the kitchen, the weather person on Channel 9 predicted local flooding.

Seokjin arrived from his business trip that night, took one look at your face and helped stop the storm. You sagged with relief, falling into a fitful round of sleep that only lasted three hours.

Seokjin is one of the few Elementals you know who embraces their power. Both his parents are air Elementals, and he was raised to take over their magical consulting business. Said business does well, leading Seokjin to own a gorgeous, three-bedroom apartment in the middle of the city. He got bored last winter, decided to post for a roommate and here you are. One of the few people in the city willing to room with an Elemental.

You don’t care what Seokjin does with his magic, although his laissez-faire attitude can occasionally be unnerving. You’ve lived your entire life with the assumption your existence is dangerous. All you need is a quick Google search to reinforce this fact. But then there’s Seokjin, living his life, seemingly none the worse for the wear.

He discovered your powers about a month into rooming together. Coming back from a trip, Seokjin opened the door to stare, slack-jawed, as plates washed themselves in the sink. Glancing up from your book at the table, you immediately sent two dishes crashing onto the floor.

Seokjin stared at this for a moment, then looked up. “You owe me new plates,” he declared and walked into his bedroom. After a moment, he popped his head out. “Hey – you think if we combined my wind and your water, we could create a waterspout but on land?”

“That’s… a tornado, Seokjin.”

“Right.” He slapped the doorframe once and disappeared. “Well, something to think about!”

Months later, Seokjin still doesn’t understand your avoidance of magic, but respects the decision enough to leave it alone. At least, until something like this happens and he’s again at a loss.

“Listen.”

Turning around, he shuts the dishwasher with his hip.

“Oh, no.” You grimace. “What now?”

Seokjin raises both hands. “Nothing, nothing. Far be it from me to comment on your mistakes. I’m sorry – did I say mistakes? I meant, ‘learned life experience.’ Through mistakes.”

“Was there a question in all that?”

“No question.” Loosely, he gestures. “Just wanted to say you can stay here, rent-free, until you figure this out. You know I’m only taking your money because you insist. I don’t need it. This place is already paid for.”

“Only because you frightened the seller so badly, they cut the price in half.”

“Listen.” Seokjin’s smile turns slightly sinister. “If they were willing to let their ingrained fear of Elementals influence their selling point, that’s on them. Not me.”

“Fair enough,” you sigh and sit back. “But seriously – thank you. This will give me some time to come up with a plan.”

Seokjin nods, tracing the rim of his coffee. Absently, he glances down the hall at the empty third bedroom. “You know…”

“No,” you say, automatic.

His right brow lifts. “You don’t even know what I was going to say.”

“You were going to suggest I use this time off to work on my art.”

“Okay.” Seokjin shrugs. “Maybe you did know. But seriously, Y/N – why not?”

Weary, you exhale. “Because every time I try to paint, I get this… block. I can’t explain it. Watercolors used to be the one place I felt comfortable using my magic. Now… I don’t know. I can’t seem to use my magic anywhere. Even my art.”

Seokjin tilts his head, thoughtful. “How long has this been going on?”

“Don’t know – a few months?”

“Not long after you started dating Jungkook.”

Staring at Seokjin, you realize he’s right. That’s exactly around when you began dating Jungkook. The block happened not long after. Thinking about the early days of dating are painful though, and so you choose not to.

“I don’t want to talk about him,” you declare with a shake of your head. “Right now, what I need is a job. And to earn money. Preferably in that order.”

Seokjin’s lips twitch. “Let me know if the order changes. I know a guy.”

Before you can consider his offer too seriously, your phone rings on the table. Glancing down, your heart constricts at your mom’s name. It isn’t that you don’t want to talk. It’s that if you do, Jungkook’s name will come up, and you’ll be forced to explain why you two aren’t together. Right now, you’re managing to cope by avoiding the topic. You aren’t sure what will happen if you’re forced to confront it.

Not to mention the very real possibility your mom will be happy. She liked Jungkook, but she always worries whenever someone new enters your life.

Also glancing at your phone, Seokjin scowls. “Don’t answer it,” he says, walking past. “Whenever you talk to your mom, things get even worse.”

Seokjin’s not wrong. Your mom means well – really, she does – but talking to her tends to leave you exhausted. Still, you know from experience it’s better to answer now.

“I know,” you sigh and stand up. “But if I don’t pick up now, she’ll just keep calling. Hey,” you say, pressing answer. “One second, mom.”

Ignoring Seokjin’s sad shake of his head, you scoop up your coffee and head for your bedroom.

Closing the door to your room, you lean backwards. “Hi, mom,” you say, lifting your phone to your ear. “Sorry about that. I was eating breakfast. How are you?”

“Oh, you know,” your mom says, and you can practically hear her smile. “Same old, same old. The better question is, how are you? I saw on the weather there’s some flooding by you. Hope you’re alright!”

Grimacing, you move the phone to speaker. You should have known your mom would check in. Reading between the lines of her question, you can hear what she’s really asking. Your mom wants to know if you caused the flooding – an answer which is undeniably yes, but she doesn’t have to know that.

Setting down your half-empty mug, you flop face-first on your bed. Less information tends to be more with your mom. You’re debating what to say when she solves the problem for you.

“I know you haven’t had a slip in years,” she continues. “But if there’s another water Elemental in town, you should try to steer clear of them! Being around them could set you off – that’s what happened to Becky’s nephew, she said.”

Fighting an eye roll, you roll on your back. Becky Mayweather is your mom’s best friend in the entire world and one of your least favorite people. She’s the type to bake cookies, offer a shoulder to cry on – and then promptly turn and gossip to the neighbors about it. She fancies herself an Elemental expert because a few of her friends married them. Funnily enough, neither you nor your mom have met these friends in person.

“Oh?” you ask. “I never noticed.”

“It’s true! You know that I worry, Y/N. All alone in the city with another Elemental for a roommate…”

Annoyance spikes in your stomach. “His name is Seokjin, and I’m an Elemental too, mom. His mom could say the same thing about me.”

Seokjin’s mom could be saying that, but she wouldn’t because Seokjin’s mom and dad are both magic enthusiasts. The few times you met them, they were nothing but kind.

“Oh, Y/N.” Your mom sighs. “It’s not the same.”

“Why not?”

“Watch your tone,” she says. “I’m only telling the truth. You work hard on controlling your magic. Your roommate, on the other hand, uses his magic willy-nilly. In broad daylight! You two couldn’t be more different.”

Your mom isn’t wrong about that, although not for the reason she thinks. Seokjin does use his magic freely, but you’re the one at risk of hurting others – not him.

“Seokjin is a good guy,” you say tightly. “He’s letting me stay here, rent-free, while I search for another job.”

“Another job?” Her voice pitches. “What happened to the job at that restaurant?”

Cursing yourself for your own stupidity, you close your eyes. “Um… I was let go. Difference of opinions with management.”

“Oh. Well. That’s too bad, Y/N, I’m sorry. It’s probably for the best – you don’t want to be working for someone you don’t respect, right?”

Some of your anger lessens at her genuine sympathy. It’d be easy to paint your mom as the villain but truthfully, she comes from a good place. You know that she loves you; she just doesn’t want to lose you the same way she lost your dad.

Exhaling deeply, you reach to grab a pillow. “I’ve been trying to paint,” you say. “It hasn’t been going well.”

“No?”

You frown at the obvious joy in her voice.

“Yeah,” you admit.

“Well…” Your mom draws the word out. “We always knew art was a risky hobby, Y/N. Painting. With watercolors. Something could easily go wrong and put you in danger.”

“I know, mom.”

“Actually,” she adds, her excitement growing. “Maybe this is a sign. Y/N – what if this means your powers are weakening?”

Your entire body goes still. “What?”

“Yes!” she says, oblivious to the panic in your voice. “You always loved watercolors because they made sense to you, right? Because of your… well, magic. What if a block means your powers are growing weaker? I wonder if other Elementals ever lose touch with their magic. I’ll have to ask Becky.”

Irrational anger surges within, and you hear the faucet in your bathroom turn on. Hastily, you work to turn it back off.

“You don’t need to do that,” you blurt. “I’ll research it myself. Actually, I should get going – I wanted to apply for some jobs this morning.”

“Oh, yes – good call, honey. You go and apply. Let me know if you need help. Becky has connections with the local university. I’m sure someone could help you update your resume – or even apply, if that sounds interesting to you.”

“Thanks,” you say, although it absolutely does not. “That’s a nice offer.”

“Have a good day, honey – I love you!”

“Love you, too,” you say before hanging up.

Dropping the phone onto your bed, you hug your pillow tightly. It takes several long minutes to relax, wading your way through an anxious sea of thought. Although your mom means well, conversations with her tend to leave you feeling drained. Since you were young, it’s felt like your mom has an idea of the perfect child, and they aren’t you.

Eventually, you stand to bring your mug to the kitchen. Seokjin is busy making another pot of coffee, the delicious scent wafting overhead.

Passing him by, you eye this warily. “Isn’t that your third pot this morning?”

“And?” Seokjin reaches for his mug. “You’ve had three cups yourself.”

“Touché,” you sigh, collapsing on the couch.

Minutes later, Seokjin enters the living room and hands you a mug.

Staring into the drink, you say, “Thanks.”

Settling onto the sofa, Seokjin examines you over the rim of his coffee. You ignore him, taking a long sip of your drink. A summer breeze wafts through the window, and with a flick of his wrist, Seokjin sends it back out.

A stab of envy goes through you, although you know it’s irrational. Seokjin always makes magic look easy, but you’ve never found it to be so. Maybe when you were younger, before the crippling fear and anxiety had a chance to set in. The only time magic ever felt normal was when you painted and now, you can’t even do that.

Thinking about painting makes you think about Jungkook though, causing the dull thud in your chest to become a sledgehammer. You miss him. Miss the easy way Jungkook made you laugh. How he insisted on constantly touching some part of your body.

Cupping your mug of coffee, you take another sip and sink into the sadness.

“Far be it from me to dole out advice.” Seokjin interrupts your tiny pity party. “But I think you’re going about this the wrong way.”

Too exhausted to argue, you merely exhale. “What’s the right way, then?”

His head tilts. “I don’t know. But I find it weird your block appeared around the same time you started dating Jungkook. You’ve…” Seokjin hesitates, and you recognize his how-do-I-put-this-delicately face. “You’ve given up a lot over the years, Y/N. Maybe this time, you gave up more of yourself than you realized.”

Silently, you wonder whether he’s right. For too long, you’ve gone through the motions of life without really living. Too scared of letting people in, scaring them off, of being yourself. Perhaps giving up Jungkook will be the final straw. The thought doesn’t comfort you, and you have no response.

After a moment, Seokjin turns on the TV. The morning slips by, though you can’t help but think about his earlier comments – could you control your magic if you tried harder? The moment you think this, you instantly banish the thought. You’ve been attempting for months, and nothing has worked.

With this cheery thought, you allow yourself to sink further into melancholy. Only this time, the water rushing overheard isn’t your friend. You aren’t sure it ever was.

Wednesday morning, you leave the apartment in a haze. You thought that by today, things would be better but if anything, the situation seems to be worse.

Missing Jungkook is painful.

It hurts more than you thought, which might sound stupid, but that doesn’t make it any less true. When you and Elliot broke up, it was sad, but you knew it was for the best and that lessened some of the pain. Now though, each beat of your heart prevents the wound from closing. A tentative scab in one second, only to be torn open the next.

Jungkook always sent you good morning texts. Not because he was up before you, but because he went to bed so late, it was only an hour or two before you awoke. His words were the first thing you read in the morning, smiling sleepily at his rambling. Sometimes, Jungkook would include a late-night snack recipe. Always, he’d end with something he liked about you.

His silence is deafening. Something not even your favorite coffee shop can fix, although you try. Standing in line, you aimlessly flip through songs on your phone. Today, you promised Seokjin you’d attend at least two interviews. The first one is in an hour at a sushi restaurant. Before then, you plan to load up on caffeine and organize your thoughts.

When the line moves forward, you flip to your messages. No new texts. Unsurprising, but it rends the scab in your heart anew.

Facing forward, you remove an earbud to order. “Hi,” you say, mustering a smile. “I’ll have an iced americano with rose syrup.”

“Got it.” The barista barely looks up. “That all?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Want a receipt?”

“Nope.”

“Cool.” She nods. “That’ll be ready soon at the end of the counter.”

Nodding your thanks, you replace the ear pod. Cranking your music louder, you wait for your coffee and lean against the counter. The coffee shop is tiny, empty for a weekday after the morning rush. Aimless, you glance over the clustered tables.

Your thoughts are on Jungkook before they can be stopped. You wonder what he's doing, what he’s wearing, whether he’s blocked your number yet from his phone.

A talented graphic designer, Jungkook works mostly on commission and on his own time. He does well for himself – enough to afford rent on his own place. Your mutual creative streak was something you had in common. Not your sleeping hours, that’s for sure.

Jungkook usually slept until nine or ten, then went to the gym before he made breakfast. You used to tease him about that, saying he couldn’t call it breakfast if –

Your heart falters. Jungkook must be on your mind since you seem to have hallucinated him here, at the coffee shop. You blink once, and then twice, but the mirage doesn’t fade, and you’re forced to conclude Jungkook is actually here.

Unfolding himself from a chair, he heads in your direction. Panicked, you glance at the counter, then back up. Your coffee hasn’t finished, which means that you’re trapped. Straightening, you do your best to seem natural and are certain you fail. Jungkook doesn’t just look natural, he is so as he approaches. At least, until you notice his hands in his pockets.

Jungkook does this when he’s nervous. Likely, he’s playing with the inside pocket lining. It hurts, knowing him so well, and not being his. When Jungkook comes to a stop, you stand mere inches apart.

“Jungkook,” you say, his name punched from your diaphragm.

He nods. “Hey.”

Uncertain, you glance down at the counter to check for your drink. Still nothing and, looking back, you tilt your head. “What are you doing here?”

Jungkook’s hands go deeper, if possible. “Getting coffee. Is that allowed?”

Your lips press together. “Sure. Theoretically, you can get coffee. What I’m asking though, is why you chose this coffee shop, five blocks away from your place. Usually, you’re not awake before noon.”

His expression is inscrutable. “Couldn’t sleep.”

“Ah.”

The silence between you lengthens, and not in a good way. You know why you’re quiet but can’t tell what Jungkook is thinking. You suppose that it’s possible he woke up early, forgot this was your favorite shop and went on a long walk for coffee – it’s possible, but unlikely.

At last, Jungkook exhales. “Alright, fine. I wanted to see you.”

“Y/N?”

Both of you turn at the sound of your name. Glancing between the two of you, the barista seems to pick up a weird vibe, dropping the cup to hurry away. Grateful for the interruption, you reach for your coffee and attempt to reset.

It’s not fair of Jungkook, corning you like this. You were already forced to end this once – unfair, making you do so again. Breaking up with him once was barely possible; twice is unthinkable.

“Don’t you have anything else to say?”

His voice interrupts your train of thought and, gripping your drink tightly, you turn.

“Like what?” you ask.

“Like, I don’t know.” His brow furrows, frustration obvious. “Anything, Y/N.”

Behind the counter, the barista fills a tea kettle to set this on the stove. You watch it instead of Jungkook, unsure how you’re going to do this again. The pressure of the water boiling is near tangible, mimicking the internal state of your mind.

Biting your tongue, you decide a safe exit is best. Jungkook will get the hint without you being forced to break his heart. Counting backwards from ten, you exhale and attempt to walk past.

“I’m sorry you came all this way,” you say in a murmur.

You’re nearly past Jungkook when you hear a soft swear. Only one more step happens before his hand grips your elbow.

“Y/N, please,” Jungkook breathes, turning you towards him.

Your gaze lifts and you start at his obvious pain. Staring back, Jungkook searches your face for something unspoken. Whatever he seeks, he must find it, since determination enters his.

You tear your gaze away. “I don’t know what you want me to say, Jungkook.”

“I want to know if you were serious about breaking up.”

He’s still holding your elbow.

You must notice this at the same time, but neither of you move. Your gaze returns to his, drawn like a magnet and you realize your mistake when you can’t look away. Romeo’s line about Julie being the sun comes to mind, making sudden sense. You orbit around Jungkook, whether you like it or not.

In the background, a tea kettle whistles. “I meant what I said, Jungkook,” you say, forcing yourself to speak first. “I’m not good for you.”

A muscle in his jaw feathers. “But why,” he demands, frustration seeping through. You can hear in his voice the long nights of desperation, of little sleep in your absence. “I don’t understand what went wrong, Y/N. What did I do?”

A chasm in your chest opens, hating how easily he jumps to self-doubt. Before you can think better of it, you move closer.

“Nothing,” you say, one hand on his arm. “You did nothing wrong, Jungkook. I’m just not in a place where I can be in a relationship.”

“But why not?” His gaze sharpens. “Everything was fine between us until Sunday.”

“Everything was not fine.”

Jungkook pauses, then barrels on. “When you say you can’t be in a relationship… what you’re really saying is you can’t be in a relationship with me.”

“With anyone,” you correct, although you aren’t sure that’s the truth.

Your magic has never been this temperamental. Possibly because this is the first time you’ve fallen in love. Dating someone not Jungkook would be safer, but the thought is abhorrent.

If you can’t have Jungkook, you don’t want anyone. That will be your punishment. Jungkook will move on, fall in love, and be happy with another person. Not you. No one else will compare, and if you can’t now, you doubt you’ll move past this crippling fear.

“You keep telling me that,” Jungkook says, growing heated. “But I’m the one you’re breaking up with, so it’s a little bit about me. You need to give me something, Y/N. Is this about your past? I know you don’t like to talk about your childhood, but I want to know.”

A loud buzzing fills your ears, gaze darting around. You haven’t told Jungkook much about your family, not wanting to invite questions about being an Elemental. The thought of him guessing sparks panic again, and the tea kettle on the stove whistles louder.

“People in my past hurt me,” you say in a rush. Magic itches beneath your skin, begging for escape. “That’s part of it, but not all.”

“What’s all, then?”

Frustration seeps past the wall, and several things happen. Your magic lashes out, a loud noise makes you jump, and the tea kettle shatters while hitting the floor. Water sloshes across the tile, steam hissing as the barista jumps back with a yelp.

Startled, you whirl around. One barista turns off the stove, another grabs a towel while a third finds a broom. Luckily, none of them seem injured – the tea kettle missed their skin. Taking a half-step towards them, you force yourself to stop. Although you want to help, that might make you seem guilty.

Already, the guilt within you is rising. You felt your magic overpowering you and chose to stay. If a barista had been hurt, it would’ve been your fault.

Turning back, you find Jungkook staring at the mess. He looks similarly shocked, twisting the knife in your gut. If he knew you caused this, he’d look at you that differently.

“You see?” you blurt, and he glances in your direction. “Everyone around me gets hurt. I can’t hurt you, too, Jungkook.”

Shoving open the door, you’re halfway outside when his words reach your ears.

“That’s the thing, Y/N,” he says softly. “You already have.”

The door shuts behind you, and you almost make it home before starting to cry. The skies open again above the city.

“This can’t be a coincidence,” you mutter, staring through the window.

The slightly dilapidated Ramen-rama tables stare back at you until the owner walks past. Catching you standing there, he motions you on.

Somewhat chagrined, you trudge down the sidewalk. Reaching a playground two blocks away, you collapse on a bench and attempt to be rational. Four different interviews. Spread across two different days. Each one ending the exact same.

One crappy interview, even two, and you’d understand. But four crappy interviews in the same way? Something weird is happening. Each interview, you arrived, greeted the owner, answered a few questions, and were thus informed the position was filled.

It wasn’t that you hadn’t gotten a job. It was that your interviewers seemed nervous, staring hard at your resume and never your face. They seemed relieved when you left, as though you were liable to break something for fun.

“Hey. Did you interview this morning at Ramen-rama?”

Startled, you turn and find a stranger beside you.

You don’t recognize him; certainly you’d remember if you met before. Dressed in a Ramen-rama t-shirt, his dark hair is gathered in a bun on his head. His hair makes your chest ache, since Jungkook used to wear his like that.

“Um, yeah,” you say, yanking yourself from your daydreams.

He smiles and nods. “I thought that was you. Listen – I overheard the manager talking this morning on the phone while I was unloading the truck. I think he was talking about you, so I thought I should tell you what I overheard.”

Concerned, you straighten. “Uh, okay. What was he saying?”

“He was talking to your old boss – Pierre? Apparently, he’s calling around and warning people not to hire you. Said that you stole from him, or something. Not sure if it’s the same story for everyone, or if he’s making up shit up in the moment.”

Your jaw nearly drops. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah.” The guy’s smile turns wry. “I’m assuming none of it’s true. You don’t look like the thieving type, but the boss is running a business, I guess. Can’t be too careful.”

“Right.” You pause, then shake your head. “I didn’t steal, just so you know. A guest was an ass to me, so I dumped water on him – on accident,” you add.

Laughing loudly, the guy clutches his bicycle. “Wow, I’d love to hear that story. Especially the part about it being an accident,” he adds with a wink, sticking out his hand. “I’m Wooyoung.”

“Y/N,” you say as you shake. “So. Pierre is calling people?”

Brow furrowed, Wooyoung pulls back. “Yeah. Sorry I had to tell you like this. Wasn’t sure whether you’d want to know, but figured I should.”

You push yourself to stand. “I do appreciate it. Thanks for telling me.”

“No problem.” Sheepish, he glances down the road. “I should actually get back if I don’t want to lose my job. Delivery,” he explains, nodding towards his bike. “Need the extra income.”

“Makes sense,” you say, forcing a smile. “Good luck.”

Wooyoung nods, then pauses in a way that feels familiar. He’s checking you out, you realize after a moment. Although flattering, it’s instantly followed by a rush of guilt. Wooyoung is cute and in another life, you’d say yes, but in every life, it’s hard not to want Jungkook.

Waving goodbye, Wooyoung climbs onto his bike and takes off. You head in the opposite direction, needing to put distance between you and Ramen-rama. If Pierre is shit-talking you across town, you’ll be hard-pressed to find another job at a restaurant. Owners are notoriously clicky and for how many restaurants there are, there are surprisingly few out of the loop.

Maybe you can ask the coffee shop if they’re hiring. Although you should probably avoid work with water for a bit. This drops your mood, your thoughts turning desperate. You’re so deep in an anxiety spiral, you nearly run into an open door on the sidewalk.

Jerking upright, you stare at faded, golden letters. Creative Courage is spelled in looping cursive over a frosted window. Art supplies fill a display case, while the other is clustered with art of all kinds. You spot sculpture, pottery, painting, and sketches before losing count.

Before you can chicken out, you push open the door.

Stepping in, tiny bells chime to announce your arrival. Soft, ambient light fills the space – a shop that’s two-fold, you realize now that you’re inside. The front sells art supplies while in the back stands a classroom. There’s a class in session now, several artists seated on stools before easels.

“Can I help you?” someone asks, stepping into your path.

Blinking, you focus. “Um, no – thank you! I was just looking.”

“Of course!” The woman beams, reaching up to arrange a clip in magenta hair. “That’s what we’re here for. If you do change your mind, let me know – we’ve got art supplies out front, and classes are held daily in back.”

“Classes?”

“Mhm.” Crossing her arms, the woman nods. “Mostly still life and figure drawing, but we’re hoping to add some more soon. Are you an artist?” she asks, sounding hopeful.

Immediately, you stiffen. “No. At least, not right now.”

Her lips twitch. “Not sure it works like that, unfortunately. Who you are can’t come on and off like a jacket. I like that, though,” she admits with a laugh. “Might borrow it the next time the muses aren’t singing.”

You can’t help but grin. “Exactly.”

Her head tilts, surveying you with unnerving intensity. “My name is Taryn. I co-own this place with my partner, Micah. They’re the one teaching right now.”

“Oh,” you say, somewhat wistful. “That’s nice.”

“Thanks.” Her smile widens. “So, what was your preferred medium? You know, ‘back when’ you were an artist.”

You can’t help but laugh when Taryn lifts her hands to use air quotes. Some people have a way of making you feel included in their jokes, and Taryn is one of them. She teases you in a conspiratorial way, letting you know she understands. People often call art a labor of love, which can be true but more often, it’s a complicated tangle of love, pain and frustration.

“Watercolors,” you admit. “And my name is Y/N.”

Her eyes brighten. “We’ve been meaning to add a watercolor class for ages. Some of our regulars have asked, but Micah and I are both hopeless. Potter,” she explains, gesturing at herself. “And Micah prefers charcoal. Sometimes sculpture.”

“Wow,” you say. “Those are very different.”

“You don’t say.” Taryn laughs. “Micah likes to keep things fresh. What about you? Have you ever taught be– hang on,” she blurts, her eyes going wide. “Did you say that your name is Y/N? As in Y/N Y/L/N?”

Your cheeks heat. “Yeah, that’s me.”

Whirling, Taryn hustles through the front room to duck behind a counter. Digging through several drawers, she pulls out a print to hurry back.

“Is this you?” she demands, thrusting this in your face.

Even cross-eyed and close, you recognize your most popular work. A watercolor series on the majesty and destruction of sea storms. Looking at this makes you feel raw, and so you look up.

“Yep,” you admit. “That’s me.”

Pulling back, Taryn looks at the print reverently. “You’re amazing. Micah was trying to do something similar but couldn’t capture the right feeling.”

Shuffling awkwardly, you shrug. You’ve never felt as though your work deserved acclaim, although it’s nice to know the series resonated with others. One of your favorite aspects of art is how it can be intensely personal but once shared, takes on a universal quality. You find it constantly surprising; how many people seem to share the same burdens.

“Seriously.” Taryn shakes her head wryly. “If you ever wanted to teach a class, let me know. We’d be lucky to have you here.”

“Thank you,” you say, stuffing both hands in your pockets.

You hadn’t realized your desperation was obvious. Or possibly Taryn is just incredibly good at reading others. Truthfully, it’s been a while since you stepped foot in the art world. Even before dating Jungkook, you felt your passion lagging. It’s been a long time since you wanted to connect with your inner voice, although merely the act of being here calls the tide in your blood.

Dangerous.

Recognizing this, you reinforce an inner wall. “I’m sorry,” you repeat. “I’m not really looking for something right now.”

Taryn nods. “Sure. If things change though, just let me know – before next week,” she adds. “We try to publish our class schedule on the first of each month.”

“Will do. Thanks, again.”

“Anytime!” Beaming, Taryn spins to restock the next shelf.

Realizing your conversation is finished, you continue down the next aisle. The shop’s materials are superb, and your fingers are itching to reach out and touch. Reaching the front, you notice a quote painted over the register: Creativity takes courage – Henry Matisse.

You stare at this for a while, unsure why it hurts. Courage isn’t something you’ve thought about in a long time. When you were younger, you pushed people away because it was safe, but now you find yourself wondering who was that for – others? Or yourself?

Maybe the reason you keep yourself separate is because you are afraid people might leave you. Like Katrina. Or Elliot. Or even your dad.

Suppressing magic was hard at the start. Everything about it felt counter-intuitive but you reasoned doing the right thing often took effort. This is what you told yourself, anyways. It made said effort more bearable.

When you first began painting, the relief you felt was immense. After so long spent ignoring your emotions, you found a space to be free. Your series about the sea was oddly therapeutic, working through complicated emotions; your love for the ocean, coupled with fear of its wild beauty. Similar clashes within yourself about magic. And always, always, the desire for more.

For a few hours though, those feelings could be a part of you. Magic could be a part of you, so long as you remained in control – and with brush in hand, you were.

Only now does it occur to you that maybe, this wasn’t healthy. Maybe you shouldn’t feel the need to compartmentalize, as though certain pieces of yourself can only exist in certain spaces.

Tearing your gaze from the words, you exit the shop and gently shut the door. Pulling your jacket tighter, you head down the sidewalk and let your thoughts drift. Jungkook only saw you paint once, but the memory is hard to forget.

You had just started dating, barely past the stage of calling him ‘boyfriend.’ The constant influx of emotion was difficult to manage, and after a few weeks, you were exhausted. Most of your time spent without Jungkook was seated before your canvas. After one particularly frustrating session, you set down your paint to stubbornly stare at the canvas.

A throat cleared from behind.

Startled, you spun and found Jungkook standing there. His gaze moved quickly to yours, but you realized he’d been staring at your half-finished work. Normally, you felt panic at the thought of someone seeing a work in progress. That night though, the look on Jungkook’s face eased your concerns. Awe; pure and clear.

Yanking down giant, over-ear headphones, you hastily stood.

Jungkook lurched forward. “No!” he blurted, only to halt. “I mean – you don’t have to cover the painting. I liked it.”

He seemed flustered, which made you slightly flustered, but you took a slow step sideways. Eager, Jungkook’s gaze traversed the canvas.

Eventually, he looked back. “Sorry about that,” Jungkook said and walked closer. Warm hands found your waist. “I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“How did you get in?” you laughed, burying your face in his chest.

“Seokjin.” He paused. “Did he not say I was here? I texted you a half hour ago, but you didn’t respond. I figured I’d stop by, and Seokjin said to come up.”

Softening, you made a mental note to chastise Seokjin later. Tightening your arms, you lifted your head and smiled.

“So.” Jungkook glanced over your shoulder. “This is you.”

This sent a thrill down your spine. He spoke as though he’d known you before, but only on a surface level and now, he understood. Jungkook knew your art was part of you, as much as your heart or your soul. You had often felt the same, but never said so out loud.

Magic swelled, and you pushed it back down, but it was difficult. When Jungkook bent his head, you forgot to be scared and let yourself feel. The brush of his lips. The tightening of his hands. The current within you, swelling against your highest walls.

Loudly, someone knocked on the door. Breathless, you jerked backwards and found Seokjin in the door.

“Hey.” He jerked a thumb over one shoulder. “Wanted to let you know our dishwasher broke. Flooded the kitchen.” Pointed, Seokjin looked at you. “Everything is all good, but I’m calling a plumber tomorrow. Carry on.”

In a flurry of embarrassment, you abruptly ended the evening and sent Jungkook home.

Remembering how the night ended, you stifle a groan and walk faster. Once more, you couldn’t control your magic and put Jungkook in danger. Hardly the creative courage Henry Matisse imagined.

You always assumed suppressing your magic was the best choice. But the best choice for who? Certainly not for you, who lives isolated, inert and in fear of yourself. Your dad used to call your magic a gift, but it’s been a long time since you felt that way.

This memory brings with it a sharp stab of pain. Since your dad passed, fear has replaced any joy your magic brought. Fear of falling victim to the same fate he did. Of others’ rejection. Of failing to live up to your father’s example.

You have little doubt that if your dad could see you now, he’d be confused by your actions.

You push others away in the name of saving them. Again, you think of Jungkook and for once you allow it. The entire way home, you wish that he’d call.

He doesn’t though and eventually, you stop hoping.

By Friday, the threads keeping your feelings at bay are nearly worn through. Intrusive thoughts push against fragile bonds, threatening the haven you’ve carefully crafted.

With more force than needed, you toss clothing into the washer. Your usual laundromat was closed, forcing you to walk five blocks to the next one. Sweaty from suddenly sweltering temperatures, your arms sore from the hamper, the situation does nothing to improve an already crappy mood.

Wiping your forehead with one arm, you slam the door and press start. The machine whirs to life, laundry tumbling in a way reminiscent of your inner turmoil. Up, you did the right thing by ending it with Jungkook. He’ll swiftly move on and find someone else. Down – but you don’t want him to find someone else. You want him to find you.

Teeth gritted, you turn and grab your hamper from the floor. Placing this on the washer, you wearily tug your cell phone from your pocket. By the time you walked home, you’d have to come back, leaving you with forty minutes to kill. You could read more of the book you just started. Or submit your resume to a couple of restaurants.

After yesterday’s disaster at Ramen-rama though, the interview process has stalled. Instead, you’ve found yourself thinking more about Creative Courage. For a brief moment, you even walked into the third bedroom to paint.

You immediately walked back out again, but merely the act was more than you’ve done in months. The thought of creation brought mostly panic, since it’d involve you being honest. Something you haven’t been with yourself in a while.

Because if you were honest, you know what you’d find. You would regret breaking up with Jungkook. Maybe even find that, deep down, you want to be selfish. You want to keep dating him, even if Jungkook gets hurt in the end.

After all, you saw what loving an Elemental did to your mom.

Putting down your phone, you scan the laundromat and find your gaze catching on the person in the next aisle.

No. No, no, no – absolutely not.

The universe – or whoever’s writing your story – must be cruel and unusual, since standing beside you is Jungkook. You’d recognize his head anywhere. Straightening from his hamper, Jungkook turns to face you and goes still.

Eyes wide, he seems stunned until someone slams shut their dryer. Both of you jump, breaking eye contact and time seems to reset. Pressing start on his machine, Jungkook grabs his gym bag and hoists it over one shoulder. He strides towards the exit, halfway there when you spring into action.

Dashing towards him, you cut him off at the dryers. Footsteps slowing, Jungkook meets your gaze with visible confusion.

“Sorry,” he says, tugging his gym bag behind him. The thick, grey strap of it cuts across his hoodie. “I was just leaving. I can come back later if you want to finish your load.”

Again, he tries to move past you, but something inside of you snaps. You aren’t sure what possesses you, but somehow, find your hand gripping his sleeve.

Startled, Jungkook stares.

Equally swift, you withdraw. “I, uh…”

Head spinning, all your words seem to fly out the window. Nothing about this was planned. You have no idea what to tell Jungkook besides I’m sorry, and even this would be woefully inadequate without explanation. Which you can’t give.

“You don’t have to leave on my account,” you say at last.

A singular brow lifts. “No? You didn’t seem to think that way on Wednesday.”

You suppress a wince, although you try your best to hide it. “I know,” you admit. “It’s just… this is your usual laundromat. I don’t want you to leave because of me. I wouldn’t even be here, expect the one near me is broken and –”

“Got it,” he interrupts, the words tight. “You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t have to be.”

Swallowing hard, you stare down at your shoes. You know you deserve this, but it’s just so hard to see Jungkook hurting. He deserves to be happy, not wasting his energy on hating you.

“Okay,” you whisper.

Your eyes start to burn, and you squeeze them shut to prevent a reaction. You absolutely cannot cry in front of Jungkook. Not when you’re the one who started this; the very last thing you want him to feel for you is pity.

“Hey.” Something in his tone shifts, and you hear Jungkook step closer. When you open your eyes, he watches you intently. “What’s wrong?”

A tiny fissure within your chest splinters.

Anyone else could have asked those words, and you would have been able to answer. For Jungkook to do so is unthinkable. You’re the one who ruined this. The one who hurt him, who ended this and still, Jungkook is concerned about your well-being.

“I was fired on Sunday,” you say in a rush. “Before I came to see you.”

He blinks only once before his face hardens. “Before you broke up with me, you mean.”

“Yeah,” you whisper.

Running his tongue over the back of his teeth, Jungkook glances away. His expression is taut, and you feel a sharp pang of envy. It’s so easy to read Jungkook. You’ve spent so long hiding your emotions, it strikes you as luxurious how easily he feels.

A muscle in his jaw tics. “Y/N,” Jungkook says, turning back. “What are you doing?”

“What… do you mean?”

Fear spikes your heart, wondering if Jungkook has finally pieced the facts together. Maybe he saw more than you realized at the coffee shop. Maybe he finally knows what you are.

“Why are you… torturing me?” he clarifies, a slight rasp to his voice. “I don’t know what you want me to say. You were fired? That sucks, but it doesn’t make this okay. It doesn’t make us okay,” he adds, gesturing to the air between you.

“I – I know,” you stammer, nearly blurting out something you’ll regret.

Like that you’re an Elemental teetering close to the edge. One who can feel every pipe, every spin cycle within the walls of this laundromat. All of them churning, pulsing, begging for your magic to release the water inside.

“You know?” Jungkook stares at you, incredulous. “Again, Y/N – what do you want from me?”

Since you started talking, you’ve moved several steps closer. Another breath, another reach and you’d be in his arms. Glancing down, you notice how quickly Jungkook’s chest rises and falls.

He’s afraid, you realize. Jungkook’s fear isn’t the same one as yours, though. He isn’t afraid that you’ll see him, but rather that you’ll destroy him.

Realizing this, a barrier within you crumbles. “It doesn’t matter what I want,” you say, somewhat desperate.

“You keep saying that.” Determined, he steps closer and somehow, your hand entwines with his to press against his chest. “You keep saying you don’t want this, but you won’t tell me why. Won’t tell me anything, Y/N – you were fired, and this is the first time I’m hearing it.”

“I couldn’t tell you!” you blurt. “I can’t explain it, Jungkook, but I couldn’t tell you when it happened.”

His gaze sharpens. “Then, yeah, maybe you’re right. Maybe we are better off broken up.”

Releasing you, Jungkook brushes past you and heads for the exit. You stare blankly at the wall before you, your whole world caving in as your head starts to spin. Magic seeps beyond your fractured walls, flooding your veins in desperate search for an exit.

“That’s not true,” you protest, spinning around. “I’ve told you more than anyone else in my life, Jungkook. I’ve let you in in ways no one else has.”

Jungkook stiffens at the door, his entire body taut. For a single, long moment, it seems as though he might reconsider but the longer you stand there, the more you watch the fight drain from the lines of his shoulders.

“I don’t doubt that’s true,” he says, hand hovering above the doorknob. “But that’s not the same as letting me in.”

He starts to go.

Everything around you becomes white noise.

When you were ten, you passed a famous dam on one of your cross-country moves. Your mom took you to see it, swinging your hand while entering the viewing platform.

The moment you saw it, you went wholly still. Trillions of gallons of water, trapped behind concrete, constantly pushing but unable to break. It felt like your magic. Raw, untamed power contained by a solid wall. You stared for longer than any other visitor, until your mom pulled your arm and said you should leave.

The entire way to the car, your mom was silent and once you were buckled in, she twisted around to see you. “Listen to me, Y/N,” she said, her voice serious. “That dam will only work if the wall holds. If the wall breaks, do you know what happens?”

Silent, you shook your head.

“The water will flood the whole valley. Everyone in its path, all the forest – they’d be gone. The wall can’t break, or bad things happen. Do you understand me?”

Solemn, you nodded because even then, you understood. Although your magical dam was intangible, it held equal importance. You had to hold in the magic, otherwise bad things would happen. So long as the wall was in place, you were safe.

Now though, you squeeze your eyes tightly as the wall starts to crumble.

Emotions break with the force of a tidal wave, racing ahead and drowning all in its path. Memories you thought were long buried continue to rise, crushing you further. Your walls are destroyed in a matter of seconds.

You remember your dad, kissing you on the head before leaving the house. Katrina’s stricken expression when the door shut in her face. Jungkook, asking you what he’d done wrong again.

Each memory drags you under, and you shudder against the onslaught. It takes everything you have to remain standing while your restraint dissolves.

Hands grip your arms.

Surprised, your eyes fly open to find Jungkook before you. His neck muscles strain, yelling to be heard over thundering water. You try your best to focus, to rein your magic back in – only to realize with horror, it might be too late.

The laundromat around you is in chaos. Several ceiling pipes have burst, water crashing down in torrents of water. Already, waves lap at your ankles. Noise filters back in, flickering before solidifying to something substantial.

People are screaming, abandoning their hampers in an attempt to get out. The door has stuck though, unable to open under the onslaught of water. Jungkook yells again, and this time you hear him.

“Are you okay?” he bellows, close to your face.

You stare upward, stupefied. Another pipe bursts, and you think that was you, but it’s hard to be sure. Hard to understand which parts are in control and which parts are not. What particular emotion is holding the reins at any moment.

Determination replaces fear in his face, and Jungkook bends before you have time to blink. In an instant, you’re tossed over his shoulder. A yelp escapes, upside-down but he’s already wading through the aisle of washers.

Jungkook shouts at people to move, but no one is listening. After a moment, you feel him exhale and surge forward. Although you can’t see, the people seem to be moving, so Jungkook must appear confident.

Grasping the door, he pulls on it, hard. Nothing happens. Exhaling, Jungkook grips your waist tighter and mutters, “Hold on.”

You don’t have time to ask why, since he yanks harder and the entire frame shudders. Jungkook does this again and another pipe bursts, drawing your gaze. By the time you look back, the door has budged an inch and water is pouring out. With a final wrench, Jungkook yanks open the door.

People shove past him, rushing into the street with the tide of water. Spinning around, Jungkook shields you with his frame from the wet crush of bodies. His grip never wavers, feet anchored to the ground as though they’ve rocks themselves.

With each breath, your pulse slows until finally, you locate the faint threads of magic. Before, you felt too much at once. The crush was overwhelming but now, you manage to breach the surface. For the first time, you see your panic influencing the tide.

Realizing this, you reach inward and try to – turn. With great effort, you identify the source of your power and disconnect. Water in the ceiling slows to a trickle, and then, nothing.

Exhaling against your neck, Jungkook’s hand moves lower.

You can’t help but shiver. “Jungkook?” you murmur into his shoulder.

“Yeah?”

“Could you… you know, set me down?”

“Oh.”

Somewhat sheepish, Jungkook lowers you to face him. He doesn’t step away, and neither do you. If this is the last time you see him, you want to be selfish and make it as long as possible.

He stares back at you, waterdrops caught between his lashes. In the background, water continues to drip from a pipe. The soft plink-plink echoes the thud of your heart.

“Are you okay?” he asks.

Jungkook’s hands remain on your waist, his touch scrambling all semblance of sanity. You aren’t sure how to answer without being honest.

Truthfully, you’re not okay.

An okay person wouldn’t break up with their boyfriend and then, six days later throw themselves in their path. An okay person wouldn’t be hiding their magic, they wouldn’t be lying to the person they love and most of all, wouldn’t continue to place that same person in danger.

Silent, you survey the aftermath of your outburst. Deep down, your magic itches in response to your panic. Seeping outward, it seeks to mold to the fear, but you manage to stop it. Something about the wall being gone makes your power less alien. No longer an unknown variable, but a constant.

“No,” you exhale. Steeling yourself, you take a step backwards. “No, Jungkook, I’m not okay. I… this is exactly why you should stay away from me. Bad things happen, and I can’t control them. I’m so sorry.”

Again, you brace yourself for his anger, but it never comes. Jungkook is unusually quiet, head cocked to one side. He sees right through you, a sensation unnerving enough that you drop your gaze.

“I should go,” you repeat, stepping around him. Reaching your washer, you hastily unload your soggy clothing. “I have to go.”

Jungkook says nothing, although you feel his gaze on the back of your head. Hefting your hamper, you slam the door shut, and turn. The water level at your ankles has dropped, no more than a centimeter remaining in the room.

Sirens wail in the distance, likely on their way to investigate. Your stomach lurches, recognizing the cost of your magic. As soon as possible, you should reach out to Seokjin. His company might be able to cover the damage if the laundromat can’t.

Nearing the exit, you look anywhere but at Jungkook’s face. “I’m sorry,” you repeat, unsure what else to say. “Really, I am.”

Again, he lets you move past. Water rushes out when you open the door, seeking the street, then the gutter. Hurrying past, you can’t shake the feeling something has changed.

Not only with you and Jungkook, but with you and your magic. Silent, you prod the place deep within from which your magic stems. You’re used to a wall, feeling closed off but now, it seems your mom was right.

Once shattered, the dam can’t be rebuilt.

A weightlessness accompanies this that you didn’t anticipate. Despite the terror of your outburst, there was a moment near the end when you stopped it. When you felt what was wrong and controlled your outburst of magic. You haven’t done that before.

The thought is followed by regret, remembering Jungkook. When you broke up, it was supposed to save him. Instead, you’ve only put him – and yourself – in greater danger. Maybe because you’ve continued to see him. Everything would be fine if you moved or kept your distance.

But then, another part of you wonders if you were wrong from the start. Maybe instead of providing distance, you should have come closer. Should have allowed Jungkook to decide whether he wanted to stay. After all, today, he experienced the worst of your powers, and he didn’t run. If anything, he moved closer.

Suddenly exhausted, you hail a cab. The driver grumbles at your wet clothes but allows you inside, and you tip him extra upon reaching your place. What you should do is find another laundromat and finish your load, but there’s an itch in your fingers you haven’t felt in some time.

Dropping your hamper at the door, you shutter yourself within the third bedroom. Not allowing yourself to second-guess, you sit down at your easel and pick up a brush.

For the first time in a long time, you allow the magic to flow. You paint.

 © kpopfanfictrash, 2023. Do not copy or repost without permission.

You’re tucked away into what is arguably your favorite place on campus, the window alcove between the full collection of Oxford dictionaries that nobody ever used anymore since the invention of smartphones. With your best friend, Hyunjin sketching away as the sun descends into twilight. 

Hyunjin looked every part of the troubled artist; black sweater draped over his broad shoulders, dark hair pulled back nonchalantly, displaying his freshly shaved undercut, silver-rimmed glasses glinting under the fading halogen bulbs, singular black nail pinching a bit of oil crayon as it glides across the thick paper of his sketchbook and rambling about how he needs to work on specific body parts more. 

You’re immersed in your fantasy novel, humming along, with no idea that he is drawing you or what he is saying at this point. The handsome blood mage has captured the warrior princess and is taking her back to his- 

Hyunjin’s hands are suddenly around your throat and your brain doesn't have time to stop the strangled moan that leaves your throat. Your book topples to the carpeted floor with a soft thud, announcing the loss of your place. Regaining enough awareness to fight off your body's natural response to close your eyes, sink into his hand, and relinquish control. 

Hyunjin’s observant eyes catch it and a mischievous smirk marks his beautiful lips. Slowly he begins to toy with your neck, turning you at angles with a slight flex of his fingers and jut of his thumb into your jawbone. Pretending to sketch the slopes and hollows of your throat, his interest already elsewhere. He grasps the column suddenly and your spine snaps arching your chest forward with a moan, your own hands clawing helplessly at the denim of your pants.  

“Shhh, you don’t want anyone to hear you.” His tongue toys with his top lip as he strokes your throat firmly with his thumb. 

“Hyun-” 

Hyunjin squeezes again, his gaze cutting to yours, the intensity of his eyes causing a whine to get caught in your throat. He abandons his sketchbook behind me and slips up next to you, his large thigh pressing into yours. His arm comes to rest between your breasts, rising and falling with your rapid breathing. 

“Does this turn you on?” 

You nod subtly. Head kicking back as he gifts you with another squeeze for answering his question honestly, biting your lip hard to keep all sounds locked behind your teeth. 

“Why aren’t you stopping me?” He looks at you from under his brow, smiling almost wickedly. 

Your lip slips from your teeth and a whimper escapes, Hyunjin rewards you with a firm press to the sides of your neck. You can feel your pulse thrumming against the tips of his fingers, and your eyes close in an attempt to calm your breathing.

“Do you want me?” Hyunjin’s cool breath fans across your lashes.

“Yes,” You whisper.

Hyunjin’s hand slips up to cup your jaw, his thumb caressing your lip before tugging it down, your eyes snap open to find his gaze focused on his hand, and your lips. Then he's standing suddenly, like nothing had just occurred between the two of you. Calmly collecting his things, slipping them into his bag along with the book he retrieves from the floor. 

Not a word is spoken until he looks down at you expectantly, “Let's go then.”  

You stand up shakily and Hyunjin wraps your hand in his, tucking you into his side and turning the two of you toward the exit. Hyunjin smiles politely at the librarians as they wave goodbye on your way out. His hand fingers interlocked with yours as he tugged you along toward the elevators. He had lucked out in having a solo artist suite above the library, your second favorite place on campus.

Inside the elevator, you watch him in the tin reflection. Hyunjin smirks back at you, slipping your hand into the pocket of his baggy pants, and pressing the tips of your fingers into his erection. You gasp and turn to look at him, but he’s already watching you. An unspoken acknowledgment that he wants you too. His eyes only intensified behind the magnification of the circle glasses, all the metal surrounding you makes you wary of the charged energy behind Hyunjin’s gaze. As if you were to reach out and touch the wall of the rattling lift, you would be electrocuted.

The elevator dings and you tear your eyes away from him. Hyunjin removes your hand from his pocket and pulls you out of the elevator, toward his room. He punches the code in with his free hand and gestures you inside, finally releasing your hand from his firm grasp. Inside, the room is dimly lit by a single lamp by the bed, bathing everything in a buttery glow that softens the sharp edges of Hyunjin’s drawing desk and stacks of sketchbooks.

You slip your sandals off and pad unsurely over to the bed, toes pinching into the soft checkered rug at the foot of his bed. The heat of Hyunjin’s body alerts you that he has moved on from removing his shoes and hanging up his bag at the door. 

You tilt your head to look up at him, just as his eyes meet yours his hand is on your throat again, stroking up before spreading firmly across your larynx. Hyunjin’s lip's part when you press into his hand, asking for more, consenting to be choked. His lashes flutter in a soft laugh when you moan at the squeeze he bestows. He presses his front to your back, his other hand slipping under your sweater, across the soft skin of your stomach, leaving a trail of goosebumps in their wake.

“What a lovely little secret you kept from your best friend,” His lips ghost yours as he squeezes again, a groan erupting from your throat.

Hyunjin breathes a laugh as he shuffles you over to the bed, the front of his thighs pressing into the backs of yours as if you are a doll, marionetting you exactly where he wants you. Your knees bump into the end of the bed and Hyunjin’s hand slips from your throat, turning you around to face him and tossing you down on your back with a soft push. Your hands fist the soft gray fleece of his bedding, anchoring yourself to something, solidifying yourself in this moment.

He wastes no time ridding himself of his clothing, tugging off the sweater, dropping his pants and boxers to be shamelessly nude before you. You gulp, gaze bouncing across the chiseled body of your best friend. Hyunjin smiles knowingly, everyone reacts to him this way, he just didn’t expect that switch to be so easily flipped on in you. He rakes a hand through his hair, tugging out the tie and allowing his dark locks freedom. While his other hand rises to remove the glasses.

“No-” he stops and shoots you a quizzical look, one that is punctuated with a paradoxically cute tilt of his head, “Leave them on.” 

He grins, “another kink.” 

Hyunjin rolls his tongue between his lips, as he bends to tug you down the bed by your thighs. The squeak that escapes your mouth earns you an affectionate chuckle from him and you relax. This is your best friend, he’s not some inexperienced man pretending to be a dominant. Hyunjin smiles at you as he feels you relax underneath his hands.

The urgency with how he undressed himself is the polar opposite of how he unclothes you. His slim fingers slowly unbutton your pants, methodologically like he’s molding your body with his hands. Committing each touch to memory to draw later, each feeling, each sound. The snap of your button, the zip of your pants, you watch his eyes observing every subtlety. He bites his bottom lip at the tilt of your hips, his eyes tracing how the light casts shadows over the mound of your pussy. The darkened valleys that your hip bones create as he shifts the denim down your thighs. He tosses them off to accompany his discarded clothing, absently tracing the malleolus of your ankle as he nestles himself between your open thighs. 

You move to sit up, thinking your shirt is next, but Hyunjin is quick- he pins you to the bed by your throat and the moan that escapes you is feral. Hyunjin huffs at you, eyes lidding as the sound affects him. With his hand firm on your throat, his other fingers dip into the band of your panties, middle finger diving into your slit. He moans himself, eyes closing in pleasure at discovering how wet you are. 

Hyunjin releases you altogether, bending over to grab a condom from the crystal ashtray on his nightstand. He rolls it over his length, and everything picks up speed, your panties are gone and Hyunjin spears open your lower lips, slapping the head of his cock on your swollen clit. You writhe, crying out at the sensation as he circles it with his tip. 

“Choking you makes you this wet?” Hyunjin’s eyes are on your face and you blink yours open at him, nodding. “Can you come from it?” 

“I don’t know, no one has ever tried. Most guys get too lost in-” You break off and he tilts his head, eyebrows rising slyly.

His tip breaks your entrance, “-this pussy?”

You arch off the bed and he thrust into your bowed body causing you both to moan loudly. Hyunjin climbs onto the bed, thighs slipping under yours as he presses your pelvis together.

“Oh fuck, you’re squeezing me so tight,” He heaves out in half moan, half laugh.

“Hyunjin-” you grasp at his arms on your hips and his fierce gaze meets yours as one hand takes its place on your throat, thrusting in and out a few times.

“Squeezing me just like this-shit” his hand on your throat tightens in a way that makes your eyes roll back. Combined with the sensation of his dick rubbing snuggly into the front wall of your core. He has you panting and whimpering from both.

Hyunjin’s eyes burn into yours as he snaps his hips hard a few times before backing off of you entirely, his chest heaving slightly. You chase after him, legs sprawled open, and tug his mouth to yours with a fistful of his silken hair. 

He grins against your mouth, “That's it, show me what you want.” 

He slips back onto the bed, guiding you into his lap, and you comply, eagerly. Slowly sinking onto his length, only Hyunjin doesn’t want that, he slams you down by your hips and you both cry out at the stretch and clench of your cunt. His hands drift up your sides, snatching the hem of your sweater, followed by a one-handed snap of your bra, both tossed off into the void of his darkened room. 

Hyunjin reclines back against the pillows fluffed up against the headboard, hands trailing down your chest. His right hand, the one that seems to be permanently smudged with oil crayon and kohl smudges your nipples as he grazes them. His pupils spread as he watches you, as you roll your hips forward just a little, to test how he feels in this position.

“It's not too deep for you?” He rolls up into you, bathing in your reaction as you arc forward, breasts thrust towards his face. He does it again, this time his hand grasping your throat firmly as you shudder against him.

“No,” you moan, rubbing yourself shamelessly into his base.

Hyunjin’s lips part as you continue your gyrations, his hand on your throat constricts in response. You start to pant, your arousal beginning to climb again.

“Fuck” Hyunjin curses. His pelvis tucking into the bed, away from you as you tighten around him.

His other hand rocks your hips encouraging you to keep moving, and you do. Your eyes lidded as you stared down at your beautiful best friend, his dark hair splayed across the pillows, metal rims of his glasses catching in the light. He smiles at you fondly, his own arousal flaming under your heated gaze. He squeezes your throat again, both of you moaning as you tremble around him. You start to rock, and Hyunjin’s head kicks back as you draw him out and your pussy sucks him back in with urgent strokes.

“Harder,” he bites between clenched teeth, and you slam your ass back, your hands grasping the arm linked to your throat for balance.

You’re not sure who is more lost in the sensation, you or Hyunjin. He lets out a suppressed moan, each time you sink fully into his lap. While you moan and pant unabashedly, gasping for breath as he alternates long squeezes with short tight ones. The coil of your climax sends your nipples into tight buds as it slips across your body, sinking into every muscle.

“Hyun-” you start, and he sits up smashing your lips to his, plush lips parting and tongue diving inside to swallow every moan you release.

With a firm hand on your throat, his hips match your pace, drilling up into you and no longer hiding his vocalization. Hyunjin’s fingers squeeze tight and hold firm, causing you to burst around him. Overwhelmed not just from the asphyxiation but by his tongue tracing figure eights across yours and the swell of his cock stroking along your sensitive walls. Arousal gushes out of you, wetting Hyunjin’s lap so that each thrust is announced with an undeniably intimate squelch.  You cry a strangled version of his name into his mouth, his lips still working yours until you’re bowing away from him, your spine snapping you back. 

Hyunjin follows right behind you, fisting your throat one last time before his fingers splay open as he comes apart groaning your name, head tossed back, hips shaking with effort as you continue to seize around him.

“Fuckfuckfuck,” he whispers as he collapses back against the headboard, “Mmm.” Hyunjin rubs your thighs affectionately, rolling his hips into you one final time before pulling you down to lay on his chest.

The two of you lay there in near silence, the only sounds are your labored breaths returning to a normal pattern. Hyunjin idly draws lines along your spine, with the tips of his slender fingers as you come down from your high.

“Hyunjin,” you mumble against the column of his throat.

“Hmmm?” He returns sleepily.

“This doesn’t change anything between us, right?” You lift your head to look at his face, his eyes are closed, and he looks like a Grecian carved work of art. Full lips glistening with your exchanged saliva, cheekbones dewy from sweat. 

His hand on your back stills briefly, before he turns full palms rub up your rib cage and his eyelashes flutter open to meet your anxious stare.

“A couple of fucks won’t change what's between us, honey.” He says firmly and you smile in relief pressing your forehead to his, he wastes no time in sealing his lips to yours.

© COPYRIGHT 2023 by kiestrokes

You were never much into Greek mythology, but you had read Percy Jackson in middle school, and the myth of Sisyphus always stuck to you. He was condemned to roll a rock up a mountain for eternity, but the rock would roll back down to the bottom every single time. It was a cruel punishment because he could never achieve his goal. 

Forgetting Hyunjin was a Sisyphean task. It was futile, in every way. On most days, it almost felt impossible. You could always try, and push yourself really hard, but he would always be there at the bottom of the canyon. Homereminded you of him, of all the good times there — bumping into him at Aera’s, plunging into freezing water with him at the creek, kissing him in the meadow of the fireflies, sloppy and wet but enchanting. And so did this city. The lights of the skyscrapers, the culture, the fashion, they all screamed his name. It didn’t help that his pictures were plastered all over every big billboard, every bus stop shelter, each subway station. Perhaps to forget him, you’d have to run away to a remote cabin, somewhere in Europe, where you could paint your life away and never look back. Yet wouldn’t that be useless too? Everything beautiful in your life would be forever linked to him.

“What are you thinking of so deeply, Y/N?” A voice pulled you out of your sad tangent. You’d been sketching in your notebook, mindlessly doodling, drawing circles and squares. 

Jeonghan was slumped in the chair opposite yours, his own sketchbook balanced on his knees, but he hadn’t drawn for an hour now. He was too busy listening to a podcast on those big headphones he never let go of. Minnie was supposed to join you today, but she was running late from a date with Jamie, so for now it was just you and him. There was so much noise around you, a constant buzz and chatter of people in the coffee shop, so you raised your voice to be heard, “I’m thinking of…how romance movies are all bullshit”

His eyebrows shot up, and he sat up straighter, clearly not expecting that. You suppose it was a bit random, “I’m sorry?”

Now that you’d brought it up, you had to explain it, and you struggled to find the words, “They’re all such cookie-cutter depictions of romance. The same formula every time. You don’t think so?”

His eyes narrowed, suspiciously, “Well, who broke your heart?”

You shut your sketchbook with a snap, “Nobody. I’m just talking”

“Clearly you think I’m stupider than I actually am” He pulled a hand up, and started counting on his fingers, “You’re not eating, you’re not sleeping, you’re only painting of blue and depressing things, you…didn’t even laugh at a single joke of mine in class today”

“Maybe because they aren’t funny”

“And you now think romantic movies suck. That’s the telltale signs of a breakup”

“I’ve always thought they suck… That doesn’t mean anything”

“Okay” He laughed, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees, “How about the fact that you all but ran out of Pegasus and went white as a ghost when you saw that guy in the elevator?”

You stilled, staring at him. It’s been days since that incident, but he’s never brought it up till now. You had never given him a chance to. You realised you’re an expert in deflecting when it comes to matters of Hyunijn. You pulled at the spiral binding of your notebook, “He was just an old friend”

“You reacted way more than someone would…to an old friend. I’m not going to judge you, you know that? I’m from fucking LA. If I started judging people, I’m afraid I’d never stop”

You sighed, looking down at the coffee table, “He’s just someone I wasn’t expecting to see. It brought up old memories, shit I’d like to forget now. Let’s…talk about something else, please”

He released a breath, looking around, “Fine. I think I’m gonna get another cup of coffee. You want one?”

“No, I’m good. Coffee keeps me up at night”

Jeonghan stood up, lanky frame hovering over you, lips pressed into a thin line, “Don’t blame coffee for that”

With that, he walked off to the counter, and you stared at the empty chair. You’re trying hard not to think of that evening, after you walked out of the storage closet, out of the Pegasus building and straight home. You had felt a new kind of pathetic… and to make it worse, your apartment keys had refused to cooperate. It’s because you were shaking the whole way home. You’d dropped them on the landing multiple times as you made your way upstairs, the shrill sound the only thing snapping you out of your daze. Even your hands had shook as you tried to get into your apartment.

You’d crawled into your mattress, and you’d cried yourself to sleep. Your pillow had muffled the sounds and it wasn’t even satisfyin. Your tears felt empty and forced. The numbness…was real. What were you even crying for? Hyunjin had made it crystal clear since day one that nothing could happen between you, so you shouldn’t have expected him to suddenly change his mind. 

“I got you a cupcake” Jeonghan sat back down, a red velvet cupcake in his hand, a Cafe Mocha in the other.

It just hurt that he’d given up on the two of you, before you even had a chance to try. It was…a horrible memory, and your chest hurt at it. “I don’t want it, sorry”

“Suit yourself” He shrugged, peeling back the paper wrapping so he could take a bite out of it. The white frosting smeared on his nose, and he smiled at you. He’s a good friend, but you’ve been nothing but miserable the past few weeks. It’s bad for you because this is not the time for drama. You’re working on real stuff now in art class. You’re past introductions, and over the bunny hill. You have an actual assignment, and that’s the reason you’re here in this cafe, trying to brainstorm ideas for it. This artwork matters more to you than anything else lately, because it feels like a last plea for happiness. If your professor actually likes it, then you won’t feel so useless anymore. Time lately feels like it’s slipping through your fingers, wasting away, precious days blurring together into sadness and nostalgia. You used to count the seconds until you could live this life, but what you’re feeling right now…that’s not living.

How can you be creative right now, when all you hold inside you is bitterness? All this time, you’d held on to some minuscule hope, that one day things between you and Hyunjin would be all right. That maybe one day he would give into what he felt, and you could actually be together. It was almost …like a given. How could he kiss you like that…and not want it for the rest of his life? A part of you had imagined it all — the future you could have had with him, the relationship you could lead with somebody who knew every bit of you.

You’d been surrounded by good people your whole life, but the impact Hyunjin left on you was incomparable. His thoughts, the way his brain worked things out, the kindness with which he approached life — you couldn’t hope to find that in anybody now. It was special to only him, and more than anything, you couldn’t forget that. You couldn’t forget the beautiful things he kept hidden in his mind, in his heart. The first few weeks you’d known him…it became obvious what he would mean to you. In the silliest of ways, he even finished your sentences…How could somebody be so perfectly built for you, but not be meant for you at all? 

Maybe the romance books were to blame for making you believe there was someone perfect for you at all. Soulmates were an urban legend, and a red string of fate didn’t exist. But then why did everything pull you together all this while? It couldn’t have been…for nothing.

Were you the one to blame for imagining an actual future with him? You’d never even had the honor of calling him your boyfriend, how could you hope for anything more?

The logical step was…to move on. So that’s why you’re here, painting in the new coffee shop, and hoping it will help. Jeonghan helps, kind of. He’s funny, and he’s got a large personality and an even bigger sense of humour, and you wonder how he fits it all in his lanky frame. He’s a perfect student and on top of that, he’s helpful. He’s always sharing his supplies with you in class, and he’s genuinely so amusing, if not mildly annoying sometimes, but with Minho and Felix you’d gotten used to it. He was humming now to a song you don’t recognise, his music taste is very different from yours, and he suddenly asked, “Why do you think I moved back to Korea?”

Your brows furrowed, and you randomly guessed, “I don’t know…An American girl broke your heart?”

“Bingo” He bit into the cupcake, crumbs falling onto his button-up, and on his ripped jeans, “She kissed my friend at a party. Right in front of me”

You’re surprised to hear that, and even more so that he’s openly telling you. Maybe talking freely about the past is moving on. So you told him, in solidarity, “My best friend dated the boy I like”

His eyebrows shot up, and he leaned forward, pausing the music on his phone to give you his whole attention, “Did she know you liked him?”

“No…not really”

“Then you can’t really blame her I guess” 

“I don’t”

“So you blame yourself? For liking him?”

“Nothing I do could have made me stop”

He tilt his head, “Is that so?”

You chewed on your lip, “I liked him for a long time before my friend met him”

“Then why didn’t you ask him out?”

“I didn’t know his name at the…time”

His eyes widened, a smile forming, “Oh…now I’m really, really curious”

“It doesn’t matter. It’s in the past now”

Jeonghan sighed, “You know, this is a record”

You reached for his cupcake, and bit into it, it was too sweet and you hated red velvet but you wanted to feel something, “What do you mean?”

“That’s like the most I’ve got out of you, Y/N. You’re a pretty closed book”

You’ve never been told that before. You're usually always oversharing. You have to try to be better. Maybe divulging the details of your life isn’t such a weakness or vulnerability. It’s hard to explain to anybody about what you’re going through, the only person who’ll understand is Kairi, but you haven’t talked to her since that time in the park, when she brought Hyunjin up and you came crumbling down like a house of cards.

You feel so weak lately, like a balloon about to be popped, stretched to your limits. You can’t accommodate any sadness in you anymore, and any mere mention or thought of Hyunjin breaks you down. You’re trying your best though. Yeonjun is sad you don’t hang out at his place anymore, after all it’s not his fault there’s a billboard of Hyunjin right across. Falling apart felt it’d be more climatic and sudden, but it’s more of a gradual process than anything. Even now, sitting in this pretty shop in Seoul, your chest pains at the memories. The hurt is so immense sometimes you have to clutch your chest waiting for the pain to pass. It’s like a heart attack every time you think of him. You can’t remember how it used to feel when it didn’t hurt. 

In the past few weeks, you’d have had a lot of selfish thoughts and wishes. Some of them are cruel in a way that you can never say it out loud. You feel guilty for even thinking them, yet most days when you’re alone in your bed and you crave him, you wish he never became an idol. Hyunjin without the fame and without his music was still the same boy inside. Hyunjin without the frills was the kid in the art store you fell in love with all those years ago. 

You wish he could just be yours, to love forever, not the entire citys’. Forever was a long fucking time but you felt capable of it, of cherishing him for the rest of your life because he made it so easy. But you should have taken the hint when he cut you out of his life, without even leaving a phone number behind. If you hadn’t come to Seoul… it was entirely possible he would never have seen you again. He would have left you behind in the town, and never looked back. To him…you were just a girl he messed around with in the summer. So temporary. So forgettable.

You wish you could pick apart your brain, and take out every memory of him, but you feared there’d be nothing in you left then. Loving him took up all the space in you. Missing him did the same. Jeonghan was speaking to you still, wondering why you never shared too much about yourself, and you shrugged, “I don’t know. I just want to focus on now. I hate feeling haunted by the past. It’s paralysing, to be stuck in those memories”

Jeonghan’s eyes narrowed, this is a pretty serious conversation for this cafe, but he asked, “You ever see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? The movie with Kate Winslet and that one dude…um, Jim Carrey?”

You’ve stopped sketching entirely now, you hadn’t made progress in hours. It goes without saying that ever since you saw Hyunjin in the city, your inspiration has been lost. You’ve been searching for it ever since, in new friendships, in new coffee shops, in conversations like this, “I…haven’t, but Felix, my best friend loved that movie”

He leaned forward, excited to explain to you, “Well, in the movie this couple’s broken up, and they hate each other, like absolutely loathe each other. So there’s this futuristic procedure where they can choose to erase memories of their lover, and the girl…she does it. It’s too painful to remember the boy she loved”

“Oh?”

“Mmh” Jeonghan’s eyes twinkle as he explained and you wonder if he and Felix would be best friends if they met; they talk about movies with the same passion, “So the guy, he starts going through the procedure too. But as the memories of their relationship start being deleted, he realises he doesn’t want them to be erased after all. They loved each other, and their time together was so special to them. That shouldn’t be forgotten. It’s a cool concept, right?”

You’re listening to him, and the noises of the cafe have faded away, “Yeah. It’s cool” You’re playing the movie in your head, wondering what you would do if you were in it. Would you alter the chemistry of your brain so Hyunjin never existed in your life? It’d sure be easier than trying to move on, which was…useless.

Jeonghan suddenly frowned realising you ate some of his cupcake. The proof was in your hands which were covered in white frosting. He leaned over the little table, “I thought you didn’t want the cupcake” 

You apologised, “Sorry. The frosting was good”

“Is that so?” He grabbed your hand. He’s touchy sometimes in class, so you weren’t too surprised. But in a single swoop, he licked the frosting right off your hand, tongue swirling around your finger for a brief second, “Eh, could be better. Anyway, do you want to watch that movie with me? You could come over after you finish the artwork”

Before you could even process what just happened, a tote bag slammed onto your table, and you both jumped. Minnie grinned at you, standing by, “So did you guys finish the assignment?”

»»————-

You are supposed to paint your most dominant emotion. It’s an important task, because you’ve to be graded on it. It’s due today. The thought of being evaluated for your creativity terrifies you. You don’t feel good for anything right now, but this is what you signed up for. Your supplies are sprawled across the apartment floor, and you’re forcing each stroke onto the paper, trying to paint a semblance of anything. You want to prove your worth in the art studio. You haven’t been too interactive in class, you’ve been at your lowest, but this meant so much to you for the longest time. So you’re trying really, really hard.

There is music playing from your phone, a mix of calm songs you’d put together months ago. Hours had passed, and you’ve fiddled away at your canvas, trying to fix every little detail. You stayed up nights in a row, finishing the painting and it was honestly a good distraction, for the most part. If Kim Jieong loves it, then perhaps you’ll stop being so sad. You will yourself to just fill in the gaps of your artwork, to correct the error in your ways so that it can be perfect for the presentation today.

But it was almost time for class, and if you didn’t leave now, you’ll be late. You stare at the painting, breathing a sigh, it doesn’t look half bad, “Well…this is as good as it’s gonna get”

As you roll the canvas up so you can carry it to class, the song on your playlist changes and within seconds… Hyunjin’s voice fills your bedroom. It was a song from the new album. 

You freeze, recognising it instantly, goosebumps rippling up your arms and legs. It’s a ballad, and his voice is soft and melodious. Once upon a time it was comforting. Dread fills your stomach. You hate this song. You hate his voice. You can’t listen to him ever again. Your phone lay across the bedroom floor. You need to turn it off. In your hurry to scramble for it, your hand slips, and your elbow knocks into a glass of muddy paint-water. Before you could even process it, the liquid tips over. Within seconds, helplessly you watch the wave of liquid destroy your art. It seeps across your entire canvas, ruining everything you’d worked on for weeks.

It becomes a glob of colors and it’s so funny and pathetic you couldn’t even cry or be frustrated. It’s your carelessness to blame. The only thing you can do is turn the fucking music off.

You feel stupid, showing up to class with that. When you arrive, Minnie was presenting her piece already. It’s gorgeous, and her painting is about love. It’s obvious in the way she’s drawn a portrait of what’s supposed to be her girlfriend, Jamie. There’s strokes of red for her hair, and pink and warm tones all over. Jamie is drawn so beautifully, accentuated features, so much personality in a single portrait. Does she know how beautiful she is in her girlfriend’s eyes?

Jeonghan goes next, and he’s painted triumph. It’s more abstract than a lover’s portrait. It’s smart, and it’s confident, and it’s full of gold accents. You feel ashamed thinking of your own work. You slide the rolled-up canvas behind your desk, and hope nobody notices it. Like a zombie, you’re applauding for everyone’s work, and your hands clap every few minutes, but you’re not even looking at anything anymore. Analysis and appreciation is out of the question. Your own failure is far too distracting. 

Then, Kim Jieong glanced at you for the first time this morning, expectant eyes, anticipating smile, “Come on up, sweetheart”

The rest of the class had apparently finished, and you’re the only one left. It’s easy to lie through your teeth, “I’m sorry, Mr. Jieong…I forgot”

His eyebrows shoot up, and confusion is evident in his gaze, “Forgot what?”

You can feel your friends eyes on you, “I forgot about the assignment” It’s better that he think you’re careless rather than not talented. Jeonghan’s gaze on you was deathly, because he knows you’ve worked on nothing else the past few days. This was the only thing you’d been sleeping and breathing. This was your turning point. Your hope for happiness.

Your professor nods, “I see…”

“I’m sorry” Your voice was small and pathetic but you don’t even feel any remorse. Sadness is so present in you that there’s no room for guilt. You stare at your table, not wanting to look anybody in the eye, especially as he speaks, “These assignments are for a reason, and I hope everybody knows that. We don’t wake up and come all the way here to waste each others time, do we?”

You curl up in your chair, pulling your jacket tight around yourself, and your eyes sting. You could feel his stare of judgement at you as he addressed the class, when you’re the only one at fault. Everybody else did the work. Minnie’s gaze was burning into you too, but you didn’t look up for the rest of class. It’s childish. You just feel embarrassed. You count down the minutes until it’s over. You’re going to go home and redo everything, and hopefully he will forgive you for your lack of tact.

As soon as it’s time, you grabbed your bag, rushing to leave, but his voice echoed through the class, “Y/N. Please stay back. I need to talk to you” 

The dreadful words make you stop in your tracks, but you were already at the door planning your escape. Minnie pinched you in the stomach as she left, “Good luck, babe”

You turned around, clutching your bag to your chest as everybody around you exits, and you know you’re being judged right now. This is a class for professionals. Heartbreak is not an excuse. You take a look at him, “Is everything okay?”

The professor crosses his legs on the stool, seemingly relaxed, and he didn’t look mad, “Just need to discuss something with you. I’ve been thinking about it for a while”

“Okay…” You breathe, running the possibilities in your head. Is he just upset, or is it possible to actually get kicked out of this program because of your fucking carelessness?

Jeonghan stops in front of you, “Should I go ahead, or do you want me to wait for you?”

Your professor was quick to interrupt, “Nate, I appreciate you sticking up for your friend, but I’d like to speak to her alone”

Your heart warmed at the thought that he was going to stay back for you, “It’s okay. I’ll see you tomorrow” You told him, even though you crave his comfort. Soon, the rest of the students trickle out of the classroom, dillydallying and slow to move with no care in the world. You stand by there, waiting patiently as Jieong wraps up his work, packing up his bag and things. As soon as everyone’s gone, you apologise, “I’m so sorry about forgetting the assignment. It was really irresponsible of me, and I can explain”

“Except you didn’t forget” He looked up at you.

“Sorry?”

“The canvas behind your desk. You didn’t really do a great job of hiding it”

“That’s… not my assignment” You protest, “That’s…nothing. It’s a mess”

He got up, “Then you won’t mind if I take a look at it?”

“I promise you, it’s nothing. It’s not worth…” You trailed off, watching as he makes his way there. He unfurls it, and he’s quiet for a few minutes as he stares at your botched painting. The artwork makes no sense. The canvas is completely ruined, and a kid could have done it better. He turns to you, disappointed. “Can you remind me why you’re here, Y/N?”

Your heart breaks even more, “I promise…I’m gonna do better next time”

He steps closer to you, “That’s not what I asked you, Y/N. Why are you in my program? That’s what I want to know”

You’re suddenly finding it hard to breathe, and your mind is blank. There’s no fucking space for your thoughts or for logic or reason, when it’s just been corrupted by memories he left behind, “I’m here… because I’ve always wanted to be”

“Do you think that’s good enough?”

This behavior of his isn’t even out of nowhere. You’ve been a horrible student of lately, you haven’t paid attention, your enthusiasm has been curbed, and your paintings have been tacky and upsetting. You swallowed the lump in your throat, “I’m really trying to be better. I’m…sorry for disappointing--”

“I’m only disappointed because you lied to me”

Your eyes shoot up to his, and his gaze burns you, “What?”

He crossed his arms, stepping close to you until there’s no personal space anymore. There’s no venom in his tone but you know he’s masquerading it because unlike you, he’s a professional who knows how to deal with people like you, “You can’t just choose what you want to do on a whim. That’s not up to you. That’s not what my program is for. This canvas is your assignment. Why are you pretending otherwise? Why didn’t you present it to the class?”

“Because I fucked up”

He didn’t flinch at your usage of the swear word, and he ran a hand over his face, “What emotion were you trying to convey?”

“Peace…”

“And is that how you feel? Peaceful?”

“No…” You sighed, “I feel horrible…” There was a lump in your throat blocking your airways. The pain in your chest was returning. You’re angry at Hyunjin for doing this to you.

“Can you please tell me what’s going on? You didn’t even meet the mentor I took you to see all the way to Pegasus for. Those field trips aren’t optional. I didn’t take you for some city tour. I wanted you to meet Karina. Those opportunities are important. If you miss those… you might as well not be here. This program is for people who value that, we have no room for freeloaders”

Your eyes shoot up to his, panic rising, and your eyes sting with tears, “Professor Jieong—”

“Can you sit down for a minute?” He stepped forward, hand going to your lower back, leading you to your seat. You feel awkward at the touch; the greenhouse studio is empty right now, it’s just you and him here. Would you have to beg him to let you stay in this program? Just like you begged Hyunjin to stay with you? He stands across you when you sit, crossing his arms, a pensive look in his eyes, “I receive…more than ten thousand applications for this program every year. There’s only twenty spaces in this classroom though. I couldn’t possibly look through all the applications myself. You’re aware of that, yes?”

It's hard for you to focus on his words when you only want to cry. In all this fucking sadness, you may just be losing the most important opportunity you ever got, “Yes…”

“I have a team that does it for me. They’re all trusted, close associates. All artists of course, and with all their idiosyncrasies they have a unique way of viewing the world. They hardly ever mess up in finding talent, but earlier this year, one of them did”

“What do you mean?”

“Your file didn’t come in to me. You were sent a rejection, weren’t you?”

The reminder is a punch to your gut, even though it’s in the past and irrelevant now. 

“Did you never wonder how you got in…even after being rejected?” He asked, lips curling up, as if knows the secrets of the universe and is indulging you in all of them. He’s going to tell you it was a mistake after all. You weren’t meant for this. You’ve fucked up so bad.

You wipe the single tear on your cheek as you look up at him, “To be honest…I just decided to take the blessing, and not question further”

He smiled, eyes crinkling, “Of course you did. Well, I think you’d be interested to know how you ended up getting in” You’ve never questioned it until now, and you’re anticipating his next words, "On a hot summer morning, I was supposed to catch a train up north to visit my parents. It was my day off…I don’t get too many of those here” He laughed, “But obviously, I missed the train. Instead of taking the next one, I came back to my office. When I did, I saw your file. It was in the rejected pile, but I took a single look at it and I knew there’d been a mistake. I knew that you had to be in this program. Somebody must have overlooked it, and I’m thankful I saw yours”

Your eyes widened, “What do you mean?” 

“I chose you, Y/N. Everybody else in this class was picked by my peers, by the committee, but you…I picked you myself, so you of all people shouldn’t be falling behind. You have an innate talent and I respect that a lot. I don’t want to be disappointed by you in the future. I know it’s intimidating to join in the middle of a semester, but you…belong here. Don’t question that. Don’t let it fuck you up”

You were dizzy with his compliment, perhaps this validation is the only thing you needed. You didn’t deserve this kindness, “You have a lot of confidence in someone who fucked up their painting so bad, Mr. Jieong”

“If I didn’t, you wouldn’t be sitting here, Y/N” 

“Right…um, thank you” Your lips tugged into a smile, and your chest felt lighter for the first time in a long time. He picked you. 

“That’s the problem with your generation, you’re always doubting yourself so much” He chuckled again, “Imagine if I’d taken that train to see my parents. I’d never seen your application. It would have been such a shame to not have you here with me”

You nodded, standing up to leave, grabbing your things, “That’s a crazy coincidence… Why didn’t you take the train though?”

He shrugged, carrying your canvas for you, so he could walk you out, “They’d closed down the entire platform for a few hours, so couldn’t even if I wanted to”

You frowned, switching off all the lights and glanced at him as the room was plunged in darkness, “Huh. I didn’t know they do that…”

“I didn’t either, but apparently some famous guy was returning to Seoul that day. I’m guessing a lot of fans wanted to see him, there was too big of a crowd. So they ended up shutting down the whole platform. Made me miss my damn train”

“A… music artist?” 

“Yeah! You might have seen it on the news. He’s one of Pegasus’ artists actually. I think he’s also a painter, like you. 

The pain in your chest returned with a bang, “Oh…”

He laughed, “This city and its obsession with celebrities. But I guess if it wasn’t for that… you wouldn’t be here”

“Yeah…”

His hand landed on your shoulder, trying to comfort you but nothing could, “I guess that’s why they say coincidence is just another word for fate, huh?”

»»————-

Unread messages flooded your inbox. Some from Yeonjun, most from Felix… You haven’t ignored them on purpose. You just haven’t had time or the energy to get back to them. They all read the same anyway. Asking about your life in the city, and how it feels to live your dreams. A part of you thought it’s the universe being decidedly cruel to you — reminding you the irony of how you’ve never been this miserable in your life.

And then there was one from Kairi. 

hey! i hope you’ve been doing good. i went to this cute new cafe in gangnam and i thought of you.  i feel like we ended things on the wrong note. could we maybe have a redo of last time? if that’s okay with you

You don’t reply, because you have no idea what you’ll even talk about to her. It’s creepy to pursue friendship with Chan’s ex. You’re supposed to be moving on, not just from him, but from his entire world. 

Your phone buzzes again and it’s a text from Minnie on your group chat. It’s just you, her and Jeonghan in it. You don’t talk too much here, just make plans for class and coffee. So you were surprised at what she had sent you. Maybe she feels pitiful after the way you embarrassed yourself in class earlier.

minnie: so you’re not gonna believe this yn.

yeah? 

minnie: i have a friend of a friend, and he saw a picture of you on my instagram. he thinks you’re really fucking hot.

who?

minnie: just some guy. anyway, do you want me to set you up with him?

noo. please don’t 

minnie: wait you didn’t let me finish. he works in the city, and i haven’t met him yet but my friend said he’s smart and funny. he seems like the kind of guy you’d like?

you’re trying to set me up with someone you’ve never met yourself?

minnie: omg its called a blind date girl

no dates. please.

minnie: all right :( anyway jamie and me are getting drunk tonight. do you wanna come?

You were trying really hard, to make casual conversation more often, to just be a normal fucking human who isn’t heartbroken and defined by your love for someone, so you said yes. You bought a bottle of wine from the store so you could bring it for them, as a gift for inviting you over. 

Minnie’s place was…nice. It’s in the higher end of the city, and she definitely comes from money. You were gathered around her dining table, and you’re sitting with your knees up on her chair. Jamie was lying on the couch across you, and she’s very tipsy already. A glass of wine was balanced on her stomach, and they’re telling you the story of how they met — through mutual friends on a night out in the city, apparently it was love at first sight, and Jamie had asked Minnie out only days after they first met. You didn’t opt for alcohol tonight, instead, you were digging into a large tub of chocolate ice-cream. 

Minnie was sitting cross-legged on the table, in her pajamas, “And then, guess what restaurant she picked for our first date? This…candle-lit fucking expensive place! I was so impressed, and kind of embarrassed I wouldn’t match the vibe—”

“But you looked fucking hot” Jamie interrupted, “We flirted the entire night, and then…we fucked on the very first date. At her place”

“Whoa…” You smiled at their story, tasting another spoonful of ice cream, “And…when did you start dating? Was it soon after that?”

“It’s embarrassing. She asked me to be her girlfriend…the same night” Minnie giggled, covering her face in her hands. She was definitely very tipsy, and you’d only seen her this cheerful around Jamie. In class, she was much more composed and serious, and it’s nice to see the side of her around her lover. She’s so much more open, and happier here.

“Oh” You realised, “And you’ve been together…three years now?”

Minnie grinned, shrugging, “I’d already fallen in love on the first date, no matter how stupid that sounds” 

You smiled at that, and then buried yourself into the ice-cream cup again, licking flecks off the steel spoon. Minnie nudged you, snapping you out of it, “Are you ever gonna tell us what happened with your ex or are we supposed to guess?”

“Minnie…” You rest your head against the wall, “It’s really not as interesting as your story”

“Y/N….” She whined loudly, and she had made her way through the second bottle of wine, the one you’d brought, “You don’t trust us? I promise we’re not gonna judge. Please, please, please”

“It’s not about that” You sighed, but her excitement to know your past was endearing, “I just find it depressing to talk about”

“Well. That’s what we’re here for. How can you move on if you avoid it forever?” Jamie sat up, blanket wrapped around her, and Minnie even shifted closer to you. This felt nice…to have friends here, in a city you couldn’t call home yet.

She was right. The past shouldn’t be your vulnerability. You sighed, staring inside your empty cup, “Well, then I’m gonna need a hell of a lot more ice cream”

“Um, so this is about the guy you mentioned right? The one you had lost touch with?”

You knew you’d be asked this story one day. You had to tell this without naming names. You couldn’t compromise Hyunjin like that. To them, it would just be a guy from your town, not an idol, not someone famous. You curled up your legs, ripping open the plastic of the brand new strawberry ice-cream tub, “I don’t know where to start honestly. It’s kind of a long story, but…um, I had this crazy crush on a boy in my town. He was really cute. He was kind, and funny, and…really really fucking hot” 

Minnie and Jamie laughed at that, eager ears as you continued, “I didn’t think anything would happen between us, because I thought he was into my best friend. Turns out he wasn’t. Me and him ended up kissing one night, it was romantic as hell. I kind of felt like…the main character in those coming-of-age 90s films. Because he was…so old-fashioned in a way? But also, really modern. He’s so romantic” You paused to breathe and all those memories are flooding back, “I was in this…pretty satin dress, and he was in a suit, with like a cropped jacket, and really cool pants. They fit him so well” 

Minnie lived in a high-rise building, and from here, the city lights blinked in the distance, golden specks lighting up the horizon. The memory flooded through you, clear as day. Two people under the night sky, surrounded by mountains on all sides. He had shown you the stars and the sky. You remember telling him that stars would remind you of him now. He had held you in his arms, and imprinted his words into your soul, “And when I look at the city lights…I’ll think of you”

Was he thinking of you now?

The city lights were brighter than ever. 

“Holy shit. Where did he take you on a date to? The Met Gala?” Jamie laughed, “I didn’t know guys our age even wear suits other than to funerals”

“No, it wasn’t a date date. It was just a fancy event in the town” Maybe you had terrible storytelling skills, because nothing made sense and it was all jumbled up, but they were listening intently so you continued anyway. No words could convey your first kiss with him. No sentences could capture your emotions, the lust, the love. 

“But after that kiss, he regret it immediately. He wasn’t really looking for a relationship. Despite that we kept kissing, over and over…and we didn’t stop. It became a thing, I don’t really know what we were doing” You smiled softly, staring at the skyscraper lights from their window, a kaleidoscope of inappropriate memories projected on the glass. You lost your words, blaming your imagination for the way a film reel of those moments was cast onto the windows. Maybe you really were going crazy, staring at the glass, and seeing him touching you in the reflection. Heat rushed to your face, like your dirtiest thoughts were out on display, but Jamie and Minnie were quiet, and this was all in your head anyway. You took a larger serving of the ice-cream this time, the creamy texture melting on your tongue, “I guess that’s when I realised I was absolutely, insanely in love with him, but… then he had to leave”

“Leave for what? The military?” Minnie’s eyes were wide. Jamie shushed her, “Wait, let her talk babe. You can ask your questions later”

“No, not the military, just for his work, and then…” Then came the hard part of this story, “And then he blocked me. For a few months. I don’t know why” 

They frowned, but they didn’t interrupt you, “I saw him in a shop downtown, and he completely walked past me at first…he ignored me. But when we met later, he kissed me. Then he told me he could never see me again” It sounded crazy told all together like this. It didn’t sound like your life. It sounded like a story from some tacky relationship podcast Jeonghan would listen to, but it was the truth. Their eyes were wide as you finished, and you stared at them, feeling naked and vulnerable, “That’s the gist of it”

“He sounds like an asshole” Jamie mumbled, pouring herself another drink. Your gaze shot up to hers. “Is thatwhat I’d made him seem like? That wasn’t my intention. He’s not an asshole, he’s…really nice”

Minnie frowned, “Yeah. No nice guy would do that to someone he cares about”

They didn’t know he was an idol, and they couldn’t know, so it was frustrating that they’d never understand all of it. How could they have guessed that it was forbidden for Hyunjin to love you?

“Honestly that sounds really fucked up. If he actually gave a shit about you, he wouldn’t have ghosted you in the first place, and then he had the nerve to kiss you? God, men are such dicks. As soon he had enough of the sex, he dropped you?”

They didn’t know all the nice things he’d said to you, or the nice things he’d done for you. You shook your head, “No, guys… it wasn’t just about the physical—”

“Did he ever tell you he loved you?”

You swallowed, “No…”

“And he told you he doesn’t do relationships” Jamie scoffed, “That’s what my friend’s ex was like. He said the same thing, and next year he got fucking married to another girl. This boy you’re telling us about…he’s obviously not going to be single forever, especially if he’s as nice as you say he is. If he actually saw any future with you, Y/N, he would have told you”

Minnie sighed, and it seemed like this very specific conversation about you had escalated into a hatred of most men, “It sounds like a fucked up situationship, and babe… if you give him so much importance it’ll only hurt you. He used you, because you’re so fucking nice. Not that that’s your fault, but…he’s just like every guy I know. They like the thrill of the chase, and when they actually get the girl, they’re bored of her”

A fucked up situationship? Maybe that’s what it actually was. Hyunjin had clearly stated that what you and him had only existed in Daejon. Here you were, calling it destiny, stupidly. Your vision became blurry as tears shot up to your eyes, and it was pathetic because you weren’t even drunk, you were just sad and loaded on strawberry ice-cream, “He’s not like that” 

“Why are you defending him?”

You knew they were wrong. Obviously they were wrong, but is that what this seemed like to the outside world? That Hyunjin used you? Because you were easy…and nice? 

Minnie reached out to touch your shoulder, comfortingly squeezing it, “You can do so much better than him, Y/N. From everything you said… he just sounds manipulative as hell”

You put the empty ice cream cup away, “Yeah” You mumbled, “So…what am I supposed to do now?”

“Get yourself out there! Go on dates. Kiss every guy in Seoul if you want to, if that makes you happy. You’re… fucking amazing. Are you seriously going to wait around for a guy who isn’t even trying for you?”

You’ve never been a casual person, but maybe that is what you need now. You’re done with world-shattering true loves. Even Hyunjin had casually been with girls before you, and the thought stung you that he might even be with girls after you. He only had an issue with relationships…and that’s why he’d pushed you away, because he couldn’t give you one. There’d be thousands of other girls who’d be willing to be with him - no label, no expectations, just sex. Yeah, you did need to get yourself out there. How bad could it be?

»»————-

The text said, Meet at eight.

It’s half past, and your date is not here.

You’d dressed yourself in a tight black dress, very revealing and you could hardly breathe. It was from a fancy store in your neighbourhood, and it was far too expensive, but it’d be worth it for tonight. You did your hair in a style Hana had taught you, and you haven’t dolled up like this in a long, long while. The last time you dressed yourself this much…was for the Paint and Wine event in the Château. Tonight is a first for you and you want to make a real good impression. 

Although, it’s been more than thirty minutes and your date hasn’t shown up. You were sitting at the bar, getting anxious and impatient. Looking around, the place was full, everybody seemed to be on a date, and nobody’s looking at you. Nobody was looking for you. You’re only a little mortified, and the best case scenario is…that he got the timing wrong, or that he got busy and decided this wasn’t worth his time. Minnie told you he’s working, so he obviously has a more hectic schedule than yours. The worst case? That he saw you and left.

“Can I get you anything?” The bartender asked, leaning over the wooden bar, “You’ve been here a while…”

“I’m waiting for somebody to show up. A date…” You explained, and understanding settled into his features. He headed back to the rest of his customers, and you wonder if he’s going to gossip about the poor stood-up girl at the bar. They must see this a lot everyday. This bar seems fancy, your blind date suggested you meet here so he seems like a man with good standards. There’s a dance floor and blaring Latin music, which brings in most of the crowd. You texted Minnie, um am i at the right bar?

shit he’s not there yet?

You decided to order a drink so tonight isn’t useless after all, and you browsed through the flimsy, paper menu. It’s got stains of ketchup on it, and it’s gross but it reminds you that you hadn’t ate in hours. You wanted to be able to fit into this dress and to leave enough room for dinner with him. Your eyes caught sight of the familiar names of drinks that Hyunjin had wanted to make you but didn’t have the ingredients for. You ended up choosing a Tequila Sunrise instead. You don’t really want to taste an Italian Dolce Vita and discover what you missed out on that last night in Daejon with him.

An hour has passed now. You were most definitely stood-up, but you’re stubborn so you would stay until the end of tonight, and if he ever did show up you’d forgive your date in a second. Your drink was empty, you’d chugged it to calm your nerves. Your napkin was soggy, and the other couples who sat at the bar have already made their way to second base: the dance floor where they’re grinding up against each other. You have resorted to playing with the condensation drops on your glass, observing the way the water falls onto the countertop.

A blind date was how this had all started, back in the bowling alley, so why were you getting yourself into it again? Maybe you should have more dignity, and walk away right now, but you were so desperate. If you leave tonight, you’d never work up the courage again to go on a date, and you need this more than anything. You feel so stupid, and maybe Hana’s actions that past summer actually make sense anyway. You would do anything to forget Hyunjin. You’d date …almost anybody to get over him. Even if it’s a guy who kept you waiting for an hour by yourself. 

“Hey. Um. Are you Y/N?” An unfamiliar voice asked. You turned around to see a boy in a maroon button-up. He’s finally here, and your heart calms a little because he’s actually cute. All Minnie had said about him was that he was smart and funny, so it’s a relief that he’s easy on the eyes too. He looked older than you, and he’s got kind eyes and curly hair. Although it’s a bit off-putting that he’s wearing a baseball cap indoors. It felt like you’re both dressed for different occasions, but you are not going to complain. No matter what happens tonight, you can’tcomplain. This isn’t the time to be picky. It’s the time to take whatever life throws at you, because clearly that’s the only way you’re going to find somebody genuinely interested in you.

“Hey, Kang-min, right?” You forced a smile at him, and suddenly you’re so nervous. This is the first real date you’ve ever been on in ages. 

The boy took the empty barstool next to you, and eyed your glass, “Sorry I was late, I had a friend emergency. I hope you’re not drunk already. That’d be mean”

You smiled, watching the way he sat so comfortably like this was routine for him, “It was just one drink. Don’t worry, I just came here too” Just a little white lie so he wouldn’t feel too guilty.

His eyes flickered over your dress, falling to your cleavage, “Did you buy that just for me?”

It was so forward that it caught you off guard. Your eyes widened, and you don’t want to give away how much tonight could possibly mean to you. So you said, “Um. Depends. Do you like it?”

He laughed, gaze on your bare legs and thighs, shamelessly checking you out, “Guess you’ll find out”

You don’t really know what to say so you smile at him, hoping he also likes the shade of red lipstick you’re wearing. He looks around the place, catching a feel for it, and then back at you. He looked at the bartender, snapping his fingers to catch his attention and ordered a drink for himself. A large beer. Tasteful. He looked at you and asked, “So…what’s your damage, pretty?”

“Sorry?”

His drink arrived pretty fast, and he lift the large glass to his lips. In a single go, he finished all of it, and you’re surprised at how fast he drank this. He had foam on his upper lip as he said, “You agreed to go on a blind date. Your last relationship must have been seriously fucked up”

You hoped you masqueraded your frown, “I just wanted to try something new”

“Right…makes sense” He tsked, “So my friend told me you’re an artist”

You smiled, relieved the conversation steered in a direction you were familiar with, “Yup. I study at a studio in the city. It’s an art program under this artist--”

He interrupted you, “I hear artists infamously make almost no money, but I mean you’re living in Seoul. You must be pretty well off” He pointed at you, almost accusatory, a grin on his face, “Let me guess, rich parents. Trust fund. Private school education”

You shook your head, a little offended and surprised that he made such an assumption in five minutes of knowing you, “No. I…I worked a couple of years and saved up for this”

He called the bartender again, to order a second beer and seemed surprised, “That takes some serious hustle. Why art then? You could’ve picked anything in the world”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…not to offend anyone, but there’s no money in art. What’s the point of it then?”

“Um…” You laughed, nervously. You realised that you’ve never been asked this question before. Most people in your life knew you since birth, and never questioned your passion for it, “It’s just what I like to do. It makes me really happy to paint beautiful things—”

“So you don’t paint about real shit?”

“Sorry?”

“I think my personal pet peeve is when people pretend the world is so great and lovely, even though everything’s so fucked up. Seems like you look at the world with rose-tinted glasses, if you only like to paint all the nice, pretty things, and not something that actually matters”

“I think art can be about everything, and that’s the beauty of it. It doesn’t always have to make a social statement, but it can always be interpreted as such. Some art is just about capturing the beauty of our world, and that’s okay too” You forced a smile, wanting to get the heat off you, “Um so you never told me… What do you do?”

He looked at you over the rim of his glass, “I’m a pharmacy tech. In short; I make important phone calls, and deal with horribly annoying people”

So that’s why Minnie said he was smart, “Oh…that must have taken a lot of studying”

“Yeah. Not everyone can do it, but somebody has to” He laughed, “I stepped up. I make good money though. So, um, aren’t you going to get another drink, Y/N or are you a lightweight?”

“I’m good” You smiled, although you were hungry as fuck because you’d been waiting for him so long, “Maybe we could order the food now?”

“Here?” He chuckled, “It’s really not worth it, I only come here for the beer. You didn’t get dinner before this?”

“I…I thought we’d eat together”

He laughed, pushing his curls out of his face, “No, I’d rather get drunk with you…and we can dance”

You looked to the dance floor which smelled of sweat and other things you don’t want to think of, “Maybe we could just talk more. I’ll just get another drink then”

He smiled, then looked at the bartender, “A beer for the lady”

“Actually, I might get wine” 

His eyes narrowed, and he chuckled, “Oh. Let me guess. You want the most expensive one, right?”

You blinked, “Um…no I’m okay with any. The cheapest one is fine too”

He laughed, throwing his head back, “No wine is cheap, pretty. ”

“I can pay for it” You offered. Ugh. You wanted him to like you so bad. 

“No, no, you’re out with me. You should have a real drink” He went ahead and ordered a beer for you. He probably thought you were the most boring girl in this entire city, so you agreed. You needed tonight to go well. Obviously, he wasn’t anything like Hyunjin, but no one could be. If you compared every boy to him, you’d never find anybody. So this would have to do. You sipped on the beer, and it tasted bitter and so horrible, but you swallowed anyway, shooting him a smile. You’d been miserable for long, you needed to let go, and have fun. You could be that kind of girl.

He grinned, reaching forward to grab your thigh, fingers clawing against your skin, “You’re cute”

You were distracted by the suddenness of his touch, and you laughed, nervously, “Thank you. You’re cute too. I like your piercings”

“Yeah?” He tilt his head, smirking, “You’re like the tenth girl to say that to me. I must be doing something right”

You didn’t have much experience with first dates... was it always this fucking awkward? His hand was inching closer up your thigh. You shifted away slightly, hoping he wouldn’t notice. Sure, he was attractive, but you weren’t attracted to him yet. It was too soon. 

“So…you said you’re late because of a friend emergency? What was it?” You wanted hoping to keep the conversation going, and to keep it interesting. You wanted to know more about him. 

“Ugh. Do not remind me” He rolled his eyes.

“Sorry” You apologised, “Is your friend okay?”

“Nope. He ran out of some weed, so I had to run down and get some for him. Even though he knew I had a date tonight and hot girls rank higher in priority than weed”

“Oh…you seem like a good friend”

He was a perfectly cute boy, why couldn’t you let loose? Just because you’d been attracted to Hyunjin from the first time you saw him, did not mean it’d happen with everybody else. That kind of shit was once in a lifetime, and if you started expecting those sparks from every future relationship, you’d be lonely forever. But all you could wish for was him. The way he was around you, how he talked to you… the way your body was on fire when he so much as breathed near you. The thought choked you. There was no way you’d be hung up on him forever. You had to move on. It had to be as fast as possible, and tonight should be it. How often would a guy agree to go on a date with you anyway? 

So, when his hand landed on your thigh again, and slipped under the hem of your dress, you didn’t stop him. You forced a smile, hoping somehow your body would cooperate, and you’d actually start enjoying it. His nails were long, digging into your upper thigh, inching closer to your underwear. 

“Maybe we could play a drinking game or something. To get to know each other better” You suggested. 

“Okay” He agreed, pulling his bar stool closer and leaned in, “Name of the last guy you fucked”

Your eyes widened, “Whoa. You’re getting right to it…” What game was this? Why would he want to know that anyway?

He tilt his head, smirking, “Don’t stall. You have fucked, right?”

Oh… So he just wanted to know if you were a virgin. “Yeah. I have” You tried to change the topic, trying not to feel disgusted at this implication, “Isn’t it my turn to ask you something now? I mean…according to the game”

Kangmin smiled, lazily, running a hand through his curls, “You’re…already playing pretty hard to get though. We’ll have plenty of time to know each other. My place is pretty close. We’ve got all night.” 

So…he probably only picked this bar because he lived close by. Maybe this was his way of flirting with you, or you ended up going on a date with the worst guy in Korea. This was how the rest of your life would be? He leaned in closer to you, and his breath reeked of beer, and you realised in horror that he wanted to kiss you. You couldn’t. You moved away, before his lips could touch yours, hoping your unease would disappear, “Sorry. I’m nervous”

He hummed, almost taking this as a challenge, hand sliding under your dress completely, “A few more drinks then?”

You felt nauseous, instead of turned on. God, what the fuck were you doing here. This was a mistake. You couldn’t do this. “Actually. I’m just…gonna run to the bathroom for a minute” You grabbed your purse. 

He sat up straighter, a smirk on his lips, “Oh? That’s where you want to take this?"

Your eyes widened at his implication, “What? No…I…I just need to go”

“Oh” He looked disappointed, and a little confused, like he couldn’t comprehend why you wouldn’t want to fuck him in a random club bathroom. 

You got up, making your way through the dance floor. When you looked back, he was already ordering another beer for the two of you. You shouldn’t have agreed to this date. You don’t know what you expected. It had surely helped Hana, but she moved on from Yeonjun with Hyunjin. Of course that helped her. For their date, he took her to the coolest Japanese restaurant in Daejon, and a part of you thought tonight could be like that. Of course it couldn’t. That was her. That was him. This was all you. 

It was freezing outside, and there was an alley of smokers right at the exit. Mostly old men, and some younger girls, blowing puffs of smoke into your face as you passed them. You leaned against the brick wall, trying to book a cab, but to your luck, there were none available. Your first instinct was to text Yeonjun, but he was on a work retreat, as far as you remember. Although Jeonghan… had told you he was going to be out in the city today. If he was close enough…maybe he could help you get home. You dialled his number.

“Y/N! how’s it going?” He asked, and then immediately said, “Wait, if you’re calling me in the middle of your date that means—”

“Can you come pick me up? Please. There’s no taxis” You blurted. A few of the smokers were eyeing you up, and you covered your chest with your arms, stepping away from their cloud of smoke, “And um…I don’t feel comfortable taking the train back alone”

He paused, “Uhh…you’re at the bar downtown?” 

“Yeah…I know it’s out of the way. I’m really sorry to bother you, I just—”

“I’m on my way, Y/N. Don’t apologise”

You squeezed your eyes shut in relief. You tried to catch your breath, but there was no fresh air here. Minutes passed so slowly, and you were shivering against the brick wall. Everytime a guy approached you, you just pretended to be on your phone, hoping Jeonghan would be here soon. The back door to the club opened, and your blind date, Kang-min stepped out. He walked straight to you, and he looked…really pissed. You straightened up, watching him get closer. “What the fuck?” He laughed, “I was waiting for you to come back”

“I…I’m sorry” You apologised, “I was feeling sick”

He seemed upset, “You didn’t even pay for your drink”

“Oh. I’m sorry. I just—” You reached into your purse, but just as you did, you spotted Jeonghan on the other side of the street. When he saw you, he did a little jog up to you.

You looked back at Kang-min, “I have to go. My friend is here”

“What?” Your blind date asked, stepping closer.

“Whoa, whoa. Back off, dude" Jeonghan made it to you, eyes narrowed at him, “Let’s go, Y/N” He grabbed your hand, pulling you to his side.

Kang-min laughed, “Whatever. You aren’t even that hot, bitch”

Before you could say anything, Jeonghan tugged at your hand, taking you away from a possible confrontation, “Come on, the subway is close by”

“Fuck. Shit. I’m really sorry” You apologised, running your hands through your hair, trying to process what you just put yourself through. You followed behind him as you walked to the nearest station. He shook his head, making sure you stayed close to him, “No, no don’t be. I’m sorry it took me so long. I missed this stop at first”

Technically, you could have taken the train home yourself, but it was late and…you were in the worst mood. Jeonghan bought the tickets, and you waited at the platform, squeezing your purse in your hands. A little bakery was still open at the station, and he asked, “You already ate dinner, right?”

“Yeah. Let’s just go home” You mumbled. He did not need to know that your supposed fancy dinner date consisted of only cheap beer. You could have some cold pizza when you got home. The train arrived, and you boarded it, standing next to him in a corner, away from the crowd. You were so fucking embarrassed, but he wasn’t judging you.

So no more blind dates for you then… or perhaps it was a work in progress, and you would just have to keep powering through. It wasn’t Minnie’s fault either, she had no idea about the guy being…such an asshole. You stared out at the window as the train whizzed by stations, trying to not feel so sorry for yourself. Jeonghan asked you about the blind date, and you told him the gist of it.

He shook his head, releasing a groan, “That sounds really annoying, sorry. It sucks that most guys I know here are all like that. I’m surprised he even let you leave”

You swallowed, “Yeah. Were you busy when I called?”

“I was just working on an assignment”

“Oh, I’m sorry”

“I’m obviously kidding” He laughed, “It’s a Saturday night, I was at a party at my friends’”

“Oh. Is he gonna be mad you left?”

“It doesn’t matter. I told him my friend needed help getting out of a date. He totally understood. This happens here more than you think, unfortunately” 

Your place wasn’t too far from the bar, and you arrived sooner than you thought. Jeonghan even chose to walk you home, not wanting you to take any deserted alleys on your own. You stopped in front of your building, and he asked you, “You gonna be fine?”

You blew a puff of cold air, leaning against the front wall, “Yeah. I just…I don’t think I should have gone on the date”

He tucked a stray hair behind your ear, smiling at you, “At least you have a funny story to tell the kids”

You scoffed, “What kids? At this rate, I’m going to die alone”

“You’re dramatic. I’m sure the other dates you go on will be better. Hopefully”

“Yeah…” You already dreaded the idea of going on more dates, “I just thought…it’d help me not be stuck in the past, you know? Or maybe the only thing that can help me is that potion from the movie you were telling me about. Eternal Sunshine, was it?”

Jeonghan laughed loudly, “It’s not a potion, Y/N! It’s a science fiction movie, not fantasy”

You rolled your eyes, smiling, “Whatever”

“Maybe we can get you on a dating app. If you’re looking to casually mess around with a decent guy, those are good. It requires more effort, but…some guys are sweet. At least better than the blind date you had”

You smiled, “Hmm. Are you on a dating app?”

“Why? Would you swipe on me, if you saw me on one?” He sounded so coy.

Your eyes flickered over him. Under the lights on the street where you lived, Jeonghan looked pretty. He looked safe. Tonight he was dressed in a simple white tee, a flannel covering him, hanging off one shoulder. You smiled, a flush rising to your cheeks, “No but seriously, thanks for…rescuing me tonight”

“Mmh, that was very damsel in distress of you to call me like that” 

You smiled up at him, “Don’t push it”

“I’m just surprised you actually agreed to go on a date. Minnie and her girlfriend must have had some magical convincing powers”

You sighed, “I thought kissing somebody else would help me. Maybe I should have just let him kiss me, but I might have thrown up if he did. Tonight…was an absolute failure.”

Jeonghan let out a soft hum at your words, “I see”

“What?” You frowned, standing up straighter.

“Ah. Don’t pout. Wasn’t a total failure. I got to see you all dressed up. You’re usually showing up to class in just sweats”

“Are you making fun of my heartbreak?” You laughed, pushing him lightly.

He stumbled back on the curb, laughing, “And are you trying to kill me? Don’t push me onto the road, Y/N!”

You giggled, pulling him back on the sidewalk, “There’s no cars, Jeonghan. You’re so dramatic”

He frowned, throwing his hands up, “I was just saying that if you want to kiss someone tonight. I…wouldn’t be totally opposed to the idea.” 

He floated that suggestion so casually. Your eyes widened at it, and you didn’t know what to make of it, “You’re…joking, right?”

He shrugged, and there was no nervousness, “If your big dream of tonight was to kiss some guy…I mean, you’re my friend. It’s not a big deal”

“So a pity kiss?” You frowned, but a smile tugged at your lips.

He rolled his eyes, “Oh my god. If you don’t want a kiss, then just—”

You didn’t let him finish, stepping ahead, hand grabbing his face down to yours. Your mouth met his, if only to shut him up. He immediately kissed you back, hands threading through your hair, messing up your fancy hair. His lips were rough, but it was nice…because it was different. That’s exactly what you wanted right now, a taste of something new and unfamiliar. Maybe you were trying to prove something by kissing him. He stepped ahead to be closer, and tilt his head, deepening the kiss. Your breath hitched in your throat, and you pulled away. It only lasted a few seconds.

He pulled back too, mouth stained from your lipstick, “Mm. That wasn’t too bad”

You stared up at him, “You’re so annoying”

He hummed, voice breathy, “Your lips are really soft, Y/N. What lip balm do you use?”

You sighed, “I should have just pushed you on the street”

“Ouch. I just gave you a pity kiss and you have the audacity to threaten me?”

“Shut up!” You laughed, shoving him away. You were thankful he didn’t make this awkward and didn’t read into it.

“No, I’m serious. It was really, really good. You’re a great kisser…but I should tell you, and this is really important…”

“Yes…?”

“You taste like cheap beer”

“Ugh…I know” You closed your eyes, feeling tiredness seep into your limbs, “Anyway, I should go”

He nodded at you, “Yup. See you in class tomorrow”

You waved goodbye, making your way up to your apartment, feeling the sensation of his lips on yours still. The kiss was nice…but there was nothing electric about it. It was nothing like what it could be. It’s like you’d taken one step forward, and two steps back. Tonight was all about moving on, but everything that happened had just made you miss Hyunjin more.

»»————-

This time, you bought the coffee. You found a cute table, over by the window, and you waited. Your earphones were plugged in, but it’s on mute, and you’re choosing to listen to the sounds of the cafe instead. The cafe you discovered with your friends was so cute. Plants hung from every corner, and there was cool seating; couches with crochet pillows and pink heart-shaped seats. It had so much personality, and it fuelled your inspiration. It could be your new haven.

The chair opposite you shifted, and Kairi sat down. “There you are. I’m dying for some caffeine” She smiled, cherry-colored lips. She was dressed in a fleece bomber jacket. You shot her a smile, trying to not be nervous, “Hey… Did you want a Mocha? I wasn’t sure if you’d like the same as last time”

“Americano” She told you, settling comfortably like you did this each day. She had been so sweet to you even in the few moments you had with her. She was a breath of fresh air. So, after your failure of a date, you had finally texted her back, and decided to let her into your life. Maybe you could immerse yourself into your new friendships, and you could move on like that. When you were standing in line to buy her coffee, you glanced in her direction and she was smiling at you, fondly. She hadn’t seemed upset that you didn’t text her back for so long. You wondered how much she knew about you, how much Hyunjin told her, or even Chan. 

When you walked back to the table with coffee and snacks, you feared there might not be anything to talk about if she already has existing assumptions of you, but once your conversation started…it didn’t end.

“So you’ve only been here a few weeks right?” Kairi was sipping on her coffee, a plate of half-eaten biscuits laid between you. From here, you had a perfect view of the street and it looked Parisian. It’s good for people-watching, but right now, Kairi’s the most interesting thing here, “You seem like you’re settling in well”

“I think so. I’ve lost track” You answered her, reaching for a biscuit, “I moved here in the fall, and it’s almost winter now, but it also feels like no time has passed”

“You’re so lucky” She hummed. 

You lift an eyebrow, “Why?”

“I’ve always had this crazy dream, to move somewhere new. A place where people would have absolutely no idea who I am. I could have a new name, new job” She laughed, “Like a secret identity”

“Why would you want that?”

She shrugged, wiping biscuit crumbs off her mouth, “I’m curious to see what kind of person I might be in another country… if I’d behave differently, if I’d have different reactions to situations…if I’d have the same kind of friends, or job”

“Oh…wow” You blinked, “You’ve actually thought it through”

“Well, yes” She shook her head, smiling, “You did start over. How’s that been for you, Y/N?"

You leaned back in your seat, it’s a plush leather and pink in color. In this moment, it doesn’t feel like this is the first real conversation you’re having with her, “It’s harder in practice, Kairi. I think your baggage ends up following you everywhere”

She leaned forward, and her eyes were sparkling, “No, but what if it didn’t? What if you could have…a clean slate? What would you do, Y/N?”

“What would I do….?” You’re left wondering. In a way, Seoul was your clean slate, but you’ve let it be tainted by your sadness, “I think I’d move to Paris…or a big city like Milan. I would…have a cool, catchy name, and I’d dye my hair a crazy color”

Kairi laughed, “Really? And what would you do in a city so big?”

“I don’t know. I would love to set up those little stalls at crowded places like the Eiffel Tower, and paint tourists, capturing them at their happiest. People are always so carefree on their vacations, and they’re always dressed their best. Even if I don’t make much money doing their portraits…I’d kill to give them a beautiful memory, something they could hang on their fridge door or something, you know what I mean? It’s not ambitious at all but man, I could imagine doing that for years and enjoying it”

Kairi was smiling wide, eyes crinkling as you talked, and you suddenly felt embarrassed for the way you’d been rambling, “Um sorry. I don’t know what came over me. That’s not what you asked”

This was strange because…you haven’t felt excited like this in a long while. You felt inspired. It’s as if something has changed, just from her presence. She put you at ease. 

“No, you’re so cute. Your dreams are beautifully simplistic” She told you, and you almost blushed.

“What would you do, Kairi? If you could be anyone in the world?” You had a newfound vigor and energy, only from this conversation alone. Was it really so simple to find motivation? 

“I would move to the countrysides of Japan…or an island in Hawaii. Somewhere away from people. It would be nice to have so much time for myself, and not be surrounded by millions of others”

Your heart warmed hearing her talk, “We want the exact opposite things. That’s kind of funny. You should move to Daejon”

Kairi laughed, “Hyunjin told me it was beautiful”

Your smile fell, momentarily, and you nodded, “It is. Yeah. What else did he tell you…about me?”

Her lips parted, to answer, but before she could, your phone buzzed loudly on the table.

“Who is that?” She asked. You looked up at her in surprise. “Sorry” She apologised, cheeky, “I’m nosy like that”

“It’s my neighbour” You told her, reading Jeongin’s text, “Apparently he locked himself out. He needs help getting back in”

She frowned, “That’s annoying”

“Yeah, he’s always helping me get in, like every second day…” You told her, typing in a reply to tell Jeongin you’d be there soon.

Kairi sat up straighter, a sad pout on her face, “I guess that means you have to leave”

“Yeah. Shit” You realised, “I’m sorry. I would like to stay more—”

She reached across the table, grabbing your hand, and you noticed she’s wearing a charm bracelet, similar to one you had, “Don’t worry about it. You’ll just have to make it up to me then”

You tilt your head, “How?”

“Same time. Tomorrow”

You smiled at her eagerness, “Um…I’m not sure if I’ll be free, Kairi. I might have class…”

She squeezed your hand, “Regardless, I’ll be here. I have some work on my laptop…and I prefer to work out here, so…”

And that was it.

You rushed home to Jeongin, helping him get into the building, and he was intensely apologetic of cutting your plan short. He’d been standing on the porch steps, hands in his pockets, and a sheepish smile on his face, “Shit. I ruined your day, didn’t I?”

You shook your head, inserting your keys into the doorknob, “Not at all. I wasn’t going to let you stand out here in the cold. And are we still in the 18th century? You should talk to Mr. Kwon and have digital keypads put in or something. He loves you, so he’d listen to you”

He watched you from where he stood, arms crossed over his chest, “What happened today?”

You glanced back at him, “Sorry?”

“You haven’t had a proper conversation with me in days”

You stilled, not realising that you’d done so, you hadn’t meant to be so flippant, “Jeongin, I’m sorry, I…”

“You don’t need to apologise. It’s good. I like it. You seem chatty today”

You smiled, “Um. I just met a friend for coffee”

“Ah. Is that all it takes to win your heart?” 

You rolled your eyes, “Stop…”

“Is it the same friend that dropped you off the other day? That boy?”

Your eyes widened, “How do you know that? Have you been spying on me”

“You wish” He walked past you on the stairs, “That was an awkward kiss, Y/N. Haven’t your friends in the city taught you anything yet?” 

You gasped, following up after him, “What do you mean it was awkward?”

Jeongin laughed, stopping in front of his apartment door, “I’m kidding. Is that dude your boyfriend?”

You hugged your bag, leaning against the stairwell, “No… he’s just my friend from class”

Jeongin smiled, “I see…well, if you ever wanna hang out with someone not from your class…” He pointed to his door, “My doorbell’s right here”

Then he left, and you stood at the stairwell, a soft smile on your face. 

»»————-

The table by the window with the heart-shaped chairs was occupied. Kairi sat on one side, laptop before her, a cup of tea and a gochujang sandwich with the meat spilled out. The chair opposite her was empty, for you. She didn’t see you when you walked in, too busy typing super fast on the laptop. “No coffee today?” You asked, sitting down. 

She seemed surprised, cheeks dimpling as she smiled at you, looking away from her work, “You made it. How was class?”

You hung your scarf over the back of the pink seat, glancing outside. It could have been a beautiful afternoon, if the weather weren’t so dreary. “It was just work in studio time... I left early.”

“You’re kidding me. I feel special” She grinned, eyebrows raising teasingly. She is special. There’s something about her that’s changed the energy in you, making you get out of bed today.

“I didn’t want to keep you waiting” You admitted, folding your arms on the little table, “And I thought we could pick up where we left off. I was wondering about it all night”

“Hmm, right. You can text me too, you know?” She leaned forward, head in her hands, “You asked me a question yesterday. You still want to know?”

You’d asked her what Hyunjin had said about you, and you swallowed. Immediately there’s a damper in your mood, “I…I was just really curious, because…” What if he talked shit about you? What if all she knew about you were your flaws? Your gut hurt and you shook your head, “Actually, I don’t want to know, never mind”

She sensed the drop in you, “Don’t worry about that. You’re mine to know now”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…I want to know you on my own terms. Not through secondhand stories of your personality. We don’t need to talk about him, at all”

It’s like a weight lifted off your chest, “We don’t…?”

You don’t want your friendship with her to stem from Hyunjin, because…Hyunjin has given up on you. He’s lost all hope for the two of you, and you can’t let that taint this new beginning. In an ideal world, you could erase him from your mind, and nothing would be tainted by the beauty of his existence. He’s ruined everything for you, because the happiness of nothing can compare to him. 

You want the exclusivity of her. She wants to know you without the attached drama of broken hearts. You also want to know the real Kairi, without Chan, and it seems like she wants to know you too, without Hyunjin. 

“We don’t have to ever talk about him, if you don’t want to. I don’t want to spend all our time talking about boys anyway” She smiled, and it’s a relief. Your shoulders relax. You don’t want to relive the past like you did with Minnie and Jamie. 

You smiled too, “Well anyway…I see that you’re having tea today”

She laughed, a pleasant sound that calmed you, “Well, if we’re going to be doing this everyday, I have to start being more healthy”

“Everyday…?”

A single cup of coffee turned into a week’s worth. A week turned into a month, and quickly, it became obvious that she was your favourite person to hang out with in the city. Yeonjun was there, but he was different. Jeonghan and Minnie were closer to you everyday, but you only talked about art. Kairi and you talked about everything, and anything. Anything except him. She told you about her work, about the drama and the gossip with her coworkers. You told her about the movies Felix used to drag you to, and the music that played on repeat in Aera’s. You hadn’t made time for a movie since forever, so one day, she took you to the theater and instead of your routine coffee, you had soda.

You like to sketch while you talk, and she sits across you, finishing up her work. Her corporate job is tough, but you keep each other entertained. Your art still isn’t too inspired. You’re struggling, and you come home to an empty bed each night. There’s nights you get lost in the memories of summer, and there are mornings when you wake up from dreams of him. Sweet dreams. Dirty dreams. Beautiful, out-of reach dreams. In your dreams, he’s yours still.

All your afternoon naps remind you of him. Something about the sunlight, the warm wooden floors and you have an urge to be in his arms. So you stop sleeping during the day. In the moonlight and secrecy of your bed, you still touch yourself to thoughts of only one boy. You can’t help it.

All of the people who said time heals all wounds, were actually right. Each day, the burden is less. It feels like you were inching closer and closer to a state of not just being heartbroken. You had your moments though, like when Jeonghan would take you home after class, the skyscrapers would reflect onto the train windows, and you’d think of how prettier the blinding lights would be through Hyunjin’s eyes. Your own couldn’t capture the beauty he could see.

There’d be moments -- when someone in the coffee shop would order a vanilla iced latte with whipped cream and sprinkles, and your heart would skip a beat, wondering if he’d be on the other end of the counter to take it. But of course, Hyunjin could never walk into a crowded coffee shop in the middle of Seoul.  

On the other hand…Kairi and you are closer every day. The day you invited her to your apartment, she met Jeongin on the staircase, and she fawned over how contagious his smile was. She picked you up from the Atelier one day, and bumped into your friends from class, and she loved them too. She can be intimidating sometimes, with her classy clothes, bold personality…but she has endless love to give to everyone, and she’s not a fan of keeping it hidden. You love that the most about her. It’s easy to be happier around her. You wonder how her and Chan ever made it work. A love like theirs shouldn’t be behind closed doors. 

On a Thursday afternoon, you were none the wiser when she told you, “So…my birthday’s next week”

You spilled your coffee at the revelation, staring up at her in shock, “You’re telling me now?”

Her eyes widened at the reaction, and she pulled out a tissue from the dispenser to wipe the table clean as she laughed, “Why not?”

“That’s…not enough time”

“For?”

“I have to buy you a present”

She giggled, “A present? You don’t need to, Y/N”

You scoffed, and you’re so much more comfortable around her now, “I kind of have an obsessive problem when it comes to birthdays”

She shook her head, “You really don’t need to get me anything. Some of my friends from work are throwing a party, and I’d like you to be there. Obviously”

“A party?”

She smiled, “It’ll be fun. You can invite Jeonghan too. It won’t be too big a thing, but I’m guessing there’s gonna be a lot of plus-ones”

“Where is it?”

She smiled, sipping her coffee in between. She’d given up on tea after the first time, “So…there are these campgrounds outside Seoul. It’s a few hours from the city, it’s alongside the bank of the Han River. There’s a lot of…outdoorsy shit there, volleyball courts, barbecue grills, some cabins if anyone wants to stay overnight, canoes. I was thinking it’d be nice to go there.

“That…sounds amazing actually”

“I don’t know what to wear yet. Everybody’s going to be in swimsuits, since the river’s right there and my friends all love to go out on it, skinny dip and everything”

“Oh wow” You blinked, and Kairi’s friends sound as free-spirited as her, “Maybe…I could help you choose what to wear?”

She clapped her hands, a wide smile on her face and you love seeing her like this, “Perfect. I know what we’re doing tomorrow”

»»————-

The curtains of the trial room parted, and Kairi stepped out, doing a spin for you. The lights of the boutique are harsh, but Kairi looks amazing. She doesn’t dress up much — you’ve seen her entire range of dark sweaters, and graphic jackets over the weeks by now.

“Shit, you look amazing” You realised, eyes roaming her figure. A black bikini hugged her tightly, and it was the sexiest swimsuit you’d ever seen. Under the bust, two silver chains hugged her torso, sparkling under the store lights, wrapping around her navel too.

She had a smile on her lips, and she seemed satisfied with it too, “Is this the one?”

You’re in a cute boutique, it sells dresses and swimsuits and silver jewellery. It’s decorated prettily, and there’s not many people here because it’s not summer. It’s rapidly approaching winter, and in a few weeks, it’ll be Christmas. 

“It’s the one” You nodded, standing up to circle around her, “You look…gorgeous. Everybody will fall in love with you”

Her smile fell at those words.

You must have said the wrong thing, “What’s wrong?”

She shook her head, “Chris would love it so much. He was always hyping me up, especially when I bought new clothes because I barely ever did”

She didn’t talk about him much. In fact, this was one of the first few times she brought him up. Every time she did talk about him, it was with confidence. They had broken up ages ago, but she was never angry about it. How does she possess such ease in her, to talk of a failed love? If it was so confident, why would it end?

With trepidation, you voiced your thoughts, “Can I…ask you what happened?” 

It was a shot in the dark, of course. She didn’t have to tell you the truth, and you could handle not knowing. She wasn’t surprised you’d asked. She just sat down on the boutique floor, stretching her legs onto the fluffy carpet, “Uh…it’s not that big of a deal”

You joined her, crossing your legs, touching her hand, “You can tell me, but only if you’re comfortable with that”

“Someone threatened to kill me” She chuckled.

“What?”

“It was probably an empty threat” She shrugged, “No big deal”

“But…why? What, I don’t understand?”

She tilt her head, “You know Yoko Ono?”

“John Lennon’s wife?”

She nodded, “After she got married to him, and The Beatles broke up…everybody blamed her for it. Apparently he was putting her before the music, and she was one of the reasons the band ended. Could you imagine how much people hated her? They singlehandedly blamed her for the breakup of…the most iconic band in the world”

Your brows furrowed, “But what has that got to do with you?” 

“A few months ago, a paparazzi spotted Chan…at a luxury store” She breathed in. Your heart skipped a beat, watching Kairi talk.

“I guess he was…looking at engagement rings. I don’t know for sure. Maybe he was buying something for himself” She breathed, “But after the news of that came out and people realised that the Bang Chan may be getting married…”

“Oh…”

“People think I’m gonna be the Yoko Ono here” She forced a smile, “That he’s gonna get caught up in this relationship, and not pay attention to their music. That he’ll choose me over the fame”

“Kairi…I’m so sorry” You traced a soothing circle on her skin, but you had goosebumps from just listening to her, “That’s fucking unfair”

“Anyway, those pictures were the beginning of the threats. I wasn’t too concerned…because honestly, Chris is the only thing that mattered to me, if he was happy, if he was okay. As long as he was good, I would be too. But Pegasus thought they were real. And Chris…he was scared for me”

“I’d be scared too”

She let out another scoff, but she was shaking, and you could tell how much this bothered her, “So instead of marrying the love of my life…we broke up.”

Your chest wrenched, “I’m…so sorry, Kairi”

She nodded, head bending down, and squeezed your hand, “I’m sorry too. It’s stupid that the entire life me and him had planned together may not ever happen because of a few threats posted online by losers. Maybe they were real though. I don’t know. I guess I’ll never know”

“Couldn’t the company do something about it?”

She scoffed, “The company won’t do shit. They can protect Chris all they want, but they’d never step up to protect his partner. Their entire image revolves around them being single…and available. Sex sells. Their sex appeal is more important to them than his life” 

It wasn’t a competition, but her heartbreak was much worse than yours. She had everything, and then she lost it. You mumbled, and you hurt for her, “It’s…not fair at all”

“Yeah. Anyway, me and Chris weren’t getting along towards the end of that. We disagreed on a lot of shit.” She nodded, lifting her head up to meet yours, “The breakup was hard on the others too. Especially Hyunjin, he…” She paused, “It’s almost like he took it personally” 

The name sang to your heart, coursing through your veins like lifeblood, making your pulse quicker. “He loved the two of you together” You ended up saying. 

Kairi smiled at you, “He tell you about us?”

“Yeah…he said I’d really love you”

She smiled, eyes crinkling, “He was clearly right about that” 

“Can I… ask you something?” You said, and she nodded, “Do you ever think you’ll get back together?”

She smiled, “I mean, I can hope, but unfortunately…the decision would have to lie with Chris. If things go wrong, he could lose everything. I would lose nothing…except him. So in the end, it’s up to him. Right now, I think it’s impossible. In summer, a news website threatened to publish about our relationship. Chris isn’t equipped to deal with the fallout that comes with that”

“Oh…I’m sorry”

She took another breath, “Um, we should probably get off the floor before the employees sees us. It’s your turn to try on a bikini anyway”

You couldn’t understand where she conjured up all her positivity from, and you shook your head once you realised what she’d said, “Oh, no Kairi, I have a swimsuit already”

She shrugged, tugging your arm to make you stand up, “You’re going to get a new one though. It’s my birthday, you have to”

“But…” You protested, as she lightly shoved you towards the rack. Tons of bikinis hung on it, ranging from all different styles and colors. Ombre, mismatched, bejeweled. “I don’t know…” You touched the material of a blue one, wondering how you’d pick one.

“How about this lilac?” She asked, pulling a set out. It was too sexy, and too out there. It was the kind of thing Hana would force you to wear. Kairi must have noticed the drop in your expression, because she spoke, “Actually, I’m sure we can find another one”

After some looking around and a lot of nudges from her, you settled on a red bikini set. It was…beautiful. It looked like a thing you’d see on a model in a catalogue. There were metal hearts instead of strings, on either side of the underwear. You’d never be one for vanity, but right now…you could stare at yourself for hours. It fit you perfectly, like nothing else ever had, almost as if it was made for just your body, nobody else’s. When you stepped out, Kairi was patiently waiting on the ottoman. She was rocking her heels back and forth, and she still hadn’t changed out of her final pick, “Holy shit” She grinned, “We’re…gonna look so fucking hot!”

You giggled, “You’re looking forward to it, right? I wanna help your friends plan it too, if that’s okay”

She pulled you into a hug, warm arms enveloping around you. You were still in your swimsuits with the tags on, but you melted into her embrace as she mumbled, “Of course that’s okay! Plus, you’re gonna be there …so I’m not worried about anything”

»»————-

The campgrounds were beautiful, and the party was in full swing. Green grass stretched for miles, running alongside the Han river. Bordering on the outskirts of Seoul, it was far from all the noise, the pollution, and the constant ringing of the sirens. They weren’t just normal campgrounds though. Instead of cabins, there were little glass houses, hidden beneath trees with floor-to-ceiling windows that looked out onto the river, which people could book for vacation rentals all year round. Everything in the city was more boujee. Even nature. It’s like the city folk had figured a way to camp without the mosquitos and the discomfort and glamorised it, fit for celebrities and socialites.

A volleyball court was constructed on a stretch of sand, and a wooden dock extended onto the river, canoes attached to it that anybody could borrow. Pink and yellow inflatables floated down the water, occupied by some of Kairi’s friends who were already so drunk and it was only midday. 

Pretty lanterns hung across poles, the only lighting for this place, and even a freaking DJ booth was set up by the bonfire. It all had a modern festival vibe, and Kairi told you that this place usually booked a lot of small rock gigs over weekends. The campgrounds were public, but she had rented out an area for the day. Her friends from work were originally supposed to be planning everything, but you were also helping them now. For someone who hated parties, you sure loved planning them. It was a perfect distraction, from the stress of classes. The venue for Felix’s birthday had been naturally beautiful, but it couldn’t compare to the extravagance of the city.

You’d driven up here in the early hours of the morning, and Jeonghan had been a boon. He’d helped you unload the crate of beers from his car, loading them into ice-cold pink coolers you’d situated every few metres across the riverbank. It was a hotter day than usual, despite the city being on the brink of imminent snowfall, so cold drinks…were a must.  

Most people had arrived at the campgrounds in the late afternoon, checking in at the front-desk before making their way towards the river. Kairi had a ton of friends, most of them from work, and you weren’t the corporate type, so you maintained a little distance, choosing to be orchestrating everything behind the scenes more. That’s why you were at the barbecue right now, grilling meat for some hotdogs.

Jeonghan had long abandoned you. His red swim shorts are easy to spot, and the official dress code of this party was just swimwear. He was supposed to be helping you cook but he was stretched out on the riverbank, sketching instead. He must have been really inspired, and from where you stood, you could see him with his feet up in the sky, nose buried in a little sketchbook. It was sweet of him to come, and he was the only person you knew, so you were grateful that he was here. 

A frisbee whizzed past you, and you looked up to see Kairi giggling. “Shit! I almost hit you, didn’t I?” She looked beautiful, and the silver chains on her swimsuit sparkled in the sun as she ran around the grass, indulged in a serious game of frisbee with her friends. You smiled back at her, “I’ll forgive you, but only because it’s your birthday”

Ever since she’d told you the truth of what went down between her and Chan, you’d grown fonder of her, and almost protective in a sense. She was so much stronger than you, and you could learn a little from her in terms of positivity. She had introduced you to all her friends, but they were too many names for you to remember. Sohee, Jinsoo, Eric, etc. You’d assigned yourself to the snacks, not feeling too confident in greeting her guests. 

“Do you want it crispy all the way through?” You called out to her, pork belly sizzling against the pan as you tossed it. This made you feel useful. It was better to not let your mind wander, instead you filled it with little responsibilities such as this.

She ran up to the grill, frisbee still in her hands, “Why are you all the way over here?”

You gestured to the barbeque, and the plates of snacks, “Somebody’s got to feed your guests”

“They can feed themselves, Y/N. We should go in the river while the sun is still out!” She grabbed your arm, and started leading you away from the barbecue, “I’m sure Nate can take over anyway” 

You weren’t going to argue with that. You’d missed swimming, and being in the water, so, you let her pull you into the river. In the cold water, surrounded by nature on all sides, it almost felt like home. Kairi swam over to you, a big smile on her face, “Fuck. The sun feels so good” 

You drifted closer, smiling, “I’m glad you’re happy. It’s kind of your day, you should be” 

“I’m really, really fucking grateful that dude spilled a drink on me and we met in that club bathroom…”

You laughed, clasping your hand with hers as you swam in the water together, “Well. I’m sure there’s nicer ways for us to meet”

She rolled her eyes, “No, are you kidding? That was the best one. I needed someone like you in my life”

You giggled, “Someone like me?”

“We haven’t even know each other that long, if you think about it. Honestly, I never even thought you’d text me back, because…of him” She paused, “But I think you sacrifice your peace for others, and…I don’t know anyone else like you”

You swallowed, and you didn’t want to get emotional in the middle of the river, “Kairi…tell me you didn’t bring me in the water just to make me cry”

“Actually” She corrected herself, a small chuckle following, “I did know one person like you”

You don’t have to probe to know she’s talking about Chan.

“You remind me of him. As crazy as that sounds” She hummed. 

“I’m sorry things didn’t work out between you” You apologised, and you were caressing her shoulder now, rubbing it.

She wrapped her arms around your waist, and her body felt warm against yours, “You don’t have to be sorry. I’m sorry I keep bringing him up. It’s like second nature for me. Does the same ever happen with you…?”

There can’t be a better day than today for you to move on, so you forced a smile, “No. I don’t think of Hyunjin anymore. It’s in the past…” It’s a complete lie, but one day, you’re hoping it will come true. Kairi doesn’t know everything that happened in the end and she doesn’t need too. She doesn’t know he gave up on you, all she knows…is that you don’t talk anymore. 

Resignation settled in her gaze, “So…you’re completely okay with him?”

You nodded, “Yup. Anyway, um I don’t know about you but… I’m starving. Should we get the hotdogs?”

Kairi blinked but didn’t question your change of topic, “Sure. That’d be perfect”

You waded out of the water, jumping back onto the riverbank, and the air was prickly cold, but the sun was still warm in the sky. The DJ booth set up in the distance had a party playlist on repeat, and tons of people were dancing, some of Kairi’s friends, some just locals who were enjoying this area. The water droplets on your skin looked like glitter, and you ran over to the barbecue grill, dripping wet. Kairi’s friends, Sohee and Eric were indulging in a platter of pork ribs and grilled chicken, perched on a picnic table. They smiled at you as you approached them, “The water nice?”

You nodded, hugging yourself, “Mmh, you guys should get in while it’s still warm! If you guys don’t mind…could I please borrow a plate for Kairi?”

“Of course. Help yourself” Sohee smiled, black sunglasses resting on her head, and she was in a white one-piece swimsuit, “You’re…Kairi’s artist friend, aren’t you? We’ve heard a lot about you”

You laughed, flushing, “I hope good things”

Eric laughed, “You bet. Hey, we’re playing volleyball later, if you wanna join?”

You grabbed a plate of the sausages and bulgogi, “That sounds cool. I’m a terrible shot but I might join!” They laughed and you picked up some disposable cutlery, heading back to Kairi.

She was out of the water now, sunbathing on the grass and Jeonghan sat at her side. 

“I got you some meat” You handed her the plate, balancing it on her stomach. Her arms were stretched behind her head, and she squinted under the sun at you, “Thanks, baby”

The term of endearment brought a flush up your chest, and you sat cross-legged next to her. It was crazy how fast you’d grown fond of each other, as if you were always destined to be such good friends. As you ate off her plate, Jeonghan brought you a couple of drinks. It seemed like he’d finally abandoned his sketchbook in favour of enjoying the place around him. Jeonghan yawned loudly, “This weather makes me want to take a nap”

“Well, I really don’t mind if you do” Kairi suggested to him.

Jeonghan laughed, “Really? I wouldn’t be the lamest person at this party?” 

“You won that title hours ago” You joked. Jeonghan gasped dramatically, and lightly shoved you, “It’s rude that you’re not my self-proclaimed hype girl”

You pushed your sunglasses up your head, staring at him and trying not to laugh, “I’m sorry…your what?”

He blew a puff of air, and laid his head on your lap, “You know…I’m like always hyping you up in class. Making you laugh when you’re miserable—no offence— and even rescuing you from pathetic blind dates. You’re not gonna do the same for me?” He bit into a sausage, sauce smeared across his lips.

“You’re such a messy eater” You commented.

His eyes were closed and he smiled, “You can lick it off me, if it’s bothering you”

Kairi sat up, laughing, “What is going on with you two?”

You shook your head, “Nothing. He flirts with me when he’s drunk”

It was rapidly approaching nightfall, and that’s what you hated the most about winter: shorter days, longer nights. The sun set behind the forest, settling warm rays on your skin, drying the water from your swim off.

You smiled, indulging in this moment, wishing every day could be the same. You were in a beautiful place, with new friends and this could be your blank slate. Tonight could mark what you and Kairi had talked about – a real, fresh start. For the first time in weeks, your chest didn’t hurt. 

»»————-

You knew you were terrible at coordinated sports, and it became obvious to everyone else too when you missed the fifth volleyball headed your way. Eric on the other team, did a fist-bump with his teammate at your loss, and Sohee sighed, “Just catch one, Y/N!”

You threw your hands up, a giggle escaping you, “You guys asked me to join. I told you I’m horrible at this stuff!” There were two teams, and the one with you was… horribly failing. Nobody took it too seriously so it was okay, it was for fun. It was just insane to you that you were playing volleyball next to the freaking river with strangers in Seoul. If past you found out about it, she’d absolutely freak out. You were counting every blessing, grateful to be here in the city, and you were making the most of tonight. You’d made Jeonghan join with you, and he was on the other team. Kairi was somewhere by the bonfire, dancing, and you could her loud singing along all the way over here.

“Just try to catch this next one, okay?” Jeonghan called at you over the net. 

You were horrible at bowling too, but Seungmin had taught you once and after that you hadn’t been half as bad. All you had to do was focus, and channel all your built-up energy into shooting the ball, not get distracted by every other thing happening. You’d seen Sohee shoot enough successful ones to try to imitate her. So, you stepped up, rooting your feet in the sand, and she was cheering you on in the background. You didn’t even know her, so it was funny that she cared this much. 

Jeonghan across the fence tossed the ball towards you. You don’t know what prompted you to jump, and this time you actually hit it with all the energy you could muster, your fist making contact with the ball, and it shocked Jeonghan so much that he forgot to serve entirely. “Are you kidding me?” He cried, crawling under the net to run up to you. He pulled you into a hug, arms wrapping around your body, “I knew you had it in you! All you needed was a little bit of humiliation to get you there”

“I barely hit!” You giggled, hugging him back, and his torso was warm to the touch, “And you’re supposed to be on the other team, but…thanks”

He rolled his eyes, holding you tight in his grip, “I’ll gladly let you win any day”

He was so touchy tonight. It must be the mix of alcohol, adrenaline and being away from the stresses of the art studio. His hand lingered on your waist, drifting close to your ass but you didn’t stop him. It was silly because you weren’t even into sports, you didn’t care about this volleyball game, but you were smiling widely, and it wasn’t forced. 

Jeonghan let go of you, steadying you on the sand, and in your happy daze, you got up on your toes and kissed him, threading your hands through his hair. It was frizzy from the wind, and you settled on the nape of his neck. He smiled into the kiss, pressing your body to his, and he was only in his little swim-shorts, and you were only in your bikini so most of your skin touched his. It was a strange feeling, to be so physically close to somebody who wasn’t Hyunjin, but that would never happen again, and to curb the hurt, you kissed him deeper.

Sohee was laughing in the background, “You guys know the game isn’t over yet, right?” 

This kiss didn’t mean anything, yet it meant everything. It meant that you could let go. Hyunjin didn’t want you in his life, and one day you’d be okay with that. Right now, you had to live in this moment. You wound your arms tighter around Jeonghan’s neck, and you kissed him deeply, and he was probably surprised that you were giving in so much, because he knew this wasn’t anything special. You surprised yourself too. 

Kairi calling your name is what made you pull away from him, cheeks flushed with adrenaline. She was walking over to you, and you ran up to her, across the makeshift volleyball court, “Babe! Did you see me hit that ball?”

She looked like she’d seen a ghost though, and she reached for your hand, “Y/N. I need you, please”

“Wait, what’s wrong?” You frowned, stepping out with her.

She was fumbling over her words, “He’s here. Y/N. He’s here” Her eyes were wide in despair. She looked like she was going to cry, staccato mumbling, “I don’t know what to do” 

You grabbed her arm, pulling her away from the game, You’d never seen her in such a state, “Kairi, please calm down. Who’s here? What’s going on?”

She squeezed her eyes shut, a tear spilling out, “Chan…Chan is here”

Fucking hell.

“Hey, hey, hey. Kairi, I need you to calm down, okay?”

Your heart had dropped into your gut, but you had to be there for her. She was breathing heavy, and her eyes were filling up with tears, smudging her mascara and her silver eyeliner, “I don’t know what to do. If I talk to him, I’ll end up doing something stupid, like kiss him or something”

You grabbed her gently by the shoulders, so she could look only at you and not be stimulated by the rest of the party, “I’m gonna handle it, okay? Kairi. I’ll take care of it. You don’t have to do anything”

Her eyes were wide, “What? You will? Are…are you sure?”

“Of course. It’s Chris, I got this” You held her chin, fingers caressing her jaw, “Today is your day. I don’t want you to stress about anything”

She let out a breath, a tear escaping, “Thank you, Y/N. I’m sorry, I just got really overwhelmed, I wasn’t expecting to see him and…I don’t know if he knows I’m even here”

“What do you want me to say to him?”

“Just…don’t send him away. I don’t want him to get hurt. But please…find out why he’s here. I’m so…fucking confused. Why today? What does he want?”

“I’ll talk to him” You looked around, eyes landing on a concerned Jeonghan. He was still playing the game, but his focus was on the two of you, “Can you go hang out with Jeonghan till then?”

She nodded absentmindedly, seemingly so lost, “Thank you...Fuck, I just…don’t know how to deal with this right now”

“Jeonghan?” You called out, and it only took him a second to abandon the game and run up to you. His eyes observed Kairi’s fragile state, “What’s up? Is everything okay?” 

“Can you take her to the dock? I’ll catch you there in a bit, okay?”

He glanced at her, no questions asked, and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, “Of course, no problem” He smiled at you, a dazzling grin that told you he’d take care of it, “Catch you in a few” 

Then he took her away, leading her towards the other side of the campgrounds. The dock was nearer to the woods, hidden between the trees and the rocks, away from Chan. You’re sure the physical distance from the rest of the party would help Kairi calm a bit. You glanced at the volleyball game. They were all standing and waiting for you. Sohee had her hands on her hips, “You coming back?”

“I’m gonna have to ditch the game, sorry! Win for me, okay?” You shot her a smile.

“We’re gonna kick your ass, Y/N!” Eric yelled across. You laughed, waving them a goodbye as you walked over to the bonfire. That’s where Kairi said she saw him. You couldn’t understand. Why would Chan be here, and how had he heard about this party? Things between them had long ended, and there was no logical reason for him to come here suddenly. You were proud of yourself for staying calm though. Kairi was what mattered tonight, and you could easily deal with her ex.

There was a dance party situation happening around the fire. Everyone had congregated near it, and the DJ had long given up on playing good songs, settling for dance club music instead. From here, you could see the bonfire. One of Kairi’s friends, Jinsoo ran up to you, “Y/N, hey! Do you know where the rest of the beer is?’

You stopped to explain, you’d somehow become the unofficial host for this party and everyone must have noticed how close you and Kairi were. “Um, it should be in a pink cooler. We unloaded near the cabins”

“Great, thanks!” She smiled at you, running back there. Your eyes scanned the crowd around the fire. The sand here was warm, and it felt so good between your toes. Everybody was drinking, and dancing, making it harder for you to find him. You’d never seen Chan in person, but you’d seen so many pictures of him. It’d be second nature to recognise him. 

Then, you spotted a boy by the fire, gaze frantically looking around the campgrounds, and you stepped up to him, making your way through the people dancing.

He was in a black sweatshirt, and dark jeans and he stood out, surrounded by girls in bright-colored bikinis, and boys in expensive swim-shorts. There was no telling from his stature that he was someone famous, which is probably why none of the guests were giving him a second look. You wonder if any of Kairi’s friends had ever known about their relationship. You weren’t nervous about this interaction, even though you should be. This was Hyunjin’s best friend. Why were you not freaking out? Maybe because you’d do anything to make sure Kairi had a good night.

“Chris?” You asked, voice low. You didn’t want to spook him.

At hearing his name, he turned to face you. Your heart jumped at the sight. He was beautiful in person. None of the pictures could do him justice. In the pictures, he had stage makeup and styled hair. Right now, natural curls fell into his face, and he looked so simple, like any other guy you’d pass by on the street.

“Hey. You’re Chris, right?” You spoke, and the only thing making you nervous was him looking right into your eyes, “I’m uh…I’m one of Kairi’s friends.” It was best to not say your name. His gaze was…very intense but you had to keep cool for her, so you smiled. A genuine, warm, smile. 

The tension in his shoulders dissipated as understanding settled in his face, and he stepped up to you, clearing his throat, “Hey. Um, I go by Chan actually”

“Chan…” You repeated, smiling at him, fiddling with your fingers, “I wasn’t really expecting you to show up”

He sighed, hands in his pockets, “I know… I’m not on the guest list” 

“She didn’t know you’re coming tonight” 

“I wasn’t planning to” He answered, taking in another breath, and his voice was shaky, “I came straight from the studio. I drove…three straight hours to get here, on a whim. I know I’m not dressed for the party, but I need to see her right now”

Oh, wow… You hope you didn’t sound rude but this was in her best interest, so you said, “I’m sorry…I don’t know how to say this… but she’s not feeling great about this. How did you even know about the party?”

He was about to answer but it’s like he couldn’t find the words, struggling. Had he come here just to wish her for her birthday? It was hugely romantic, but there must be more he wanted to say.  What would make him drive all the way here?

“Channie, she is not by the cabins either!” Someone yelled out.

You would recognize that voice anywhere.

Your heart stopped beating.

Within seconds, somebody came running up through the shadows of the trees. The air left your body, and you couldn’t breathe.

Hyunjin.

He stepped out into the light and all of the noise around you died. 

The waves of the river were suddenly quiet, the forest was mute, the music was silent. Only your pulse ringing in your ears.

He was here. He was here. He was here.

Immediately, his gaze landed on you, and he stopped still in his footsteps. 

There was no hiding his surprise. There was no pretending, or feigning of emotions. His mouth parted, eyebrows shooting up, eyes wide as he saw you. 

Vision blackening, clouding, blurring, you could only see him in the centre, and your gut started squeezing you from the inside out. 

Dark hair tied up into a bun, half of it hanging to his shoulders, he looked like he always did. Fucking unreal. He was dressed so simply, black sweater blending into the darkness. He got prettier each time you laid eyes on him. So fucking beautiful and you hated him for it.

His eyes were on yours, thick lips parted in shock, and it was cruel how your heart leapt out of your chest, as if you hadn’t been training to tame it all this while. The last time you saw him… flashed through your mind, memories pricking at you like a hundred thousand needles stabbing into your body. He left you, before you even had a chance. He didn’t even know you loved him.

You’d been trying so hard to move on, but here he fucking was, the one place you didn’t think he could be.

But you needed to be strong, for Kairi. This was all for her, and she was your saving grace. So you looked away from him, even if it took all of your fucking willpower. Your gaze found Chan, and suddenly the noises were back. The party was raging, the river was loud, the forest full of cacophony. Chan was saying your name repeatedly, and you’d tuned out completely. So had Hyunjin it seemed…because he snapped back to reality, a click going off in his head, and turned to his friend.

Chan stepped closer to you, “You’re Y/N…?”

You nodded, no words escaping at him recognising you. You’d been recognised. Of course you had. You and Hyunjin had been fucking staring at each like fools. It was a dead giveaway.

“I need to see her, Y/N.”

You ignored the peripheral gaze burning in the side of your face. Don’t fucking look at him. You stared right at Chan, “Chan, I can’t…”

“There’s something I need to say to her…and after that I’ll leave, I promise you” There was desperation in his voice, one you’d felt all these months.

It was the most difficult thing to not look at Hyunjin, when he was fucking staring at you. He’d always had your entire attention, any room he was in but right now you couldn’t afford to do that. It was so hard for you to ignore him, but it had been so easy for him before. You could do that to him too.

“I don’t know. She’s…really upset” You turned around, glancing over at the dock, then back at him, “Why tonight? She wants to talk to you, but—”

“I know you’re just trying to do right by her. Something I should have been doing all this time” He closed his eyes, “I understand if you’re gonna ask me to leave, but I promise you. If she says she doesn’t wanna see me, I’ll walk right out.”

You shook your head, guilt overwhelming you, “Chan—”

He continued speaking over you, “But if you’ve ever been in love, or…or loved someone, you’d understand why this is so fucking important to me”

You stared at him, lost for words. If you’d ever been in love…?

Hyunjin’s gaze on you was stronger than ever. It burned you.  

He had said nothing this whole time. What was he thinking? You wanted to climb into his brain, read his mind and know what he thought of this question. Did Hyunjin have any fucking idea how much you loved him? You were so stupid crazy in love, you missed his silence too. And did Chan even understand the significance of what he was asking you? All of your emotions were cascading on top of each other, and the sane part of you was drowning in the waves. It was hard to speak, but you finally found the words, “She’s… by the docks. You can find her there”

They were the right words because Chan’s eyes lit up instantly, a smile spreading on his face, and he was beautiful like this, a warmth and comfort emanating from him. He was prettier when happy, and it looked like he couldn’t believe you’d said yes, “Thank you. Shit, thank you, Y/N. You’re an angel” He turned to Hyunjin, “I’ll be back soon, okay?”

“Do you want me to come with you?” Hyunjin asked him. His voice sent shivers down your spine.

“No, I…got this” Chan swallowed, and he suddenly looked nervous and doubtful of this.

Hyunjin stepped close to him, voice dropping, “It’s gonna be fine. You’re gonna be fine”

Chan nodded, eyes closed, “I’m just…fucking anxious. What if she asks me to leave?”

“Channie” Hyunjin repeated, in a low voice, hand landing on his shoulder, “I’m right here if you need me, okay?”

He took a deep breath, and Hyunjin pulled him into a half-hug. You stood by, unsure what to do, staring at them. You were still trying to wrap your head around whatever the fuck was happening right now. In seconds, Chan took off towards the dock, where you’d told him Kairi was. You watched his retreating figure, hoping you made the right choice. He seemed genuinely apologetic, for whatever had went down between him and her. 

His departure… left you and Hyunjin by the bonfire. Just by yourselves. So, you finally looked at him.

He was staring at you. 

In the glow of the embers, Hyunjin looked almost sinister, he looked dangerous in the way that you wanted him, even now. Dark shadows cutting across his face, he’d only grown more into the version of him you’d ran into the storage closet. Taller stature, stronger arms, piercing gaze.

You suddenly felt conscious…being in this tiny swimsuit, and your arms came up around yourself to cover up somehow. It hurt too much to see him this close, after everything that had happened. You’d been giving up your soul to forget him, and he’d just decided to show up, now? It was unfair. You had to be the bigger person here, and you were going to leave. You didn’t owe him a conversation, not after he’d shown you how easy it was for him to forget all about existence.

So, you turned to walk away, but then Hyunjin spoke, “I didn’t know you were going to be here”

At first, you almost didn’t hear him, over the music, over the laughter, over the river. You stopped in your tracks, squeezing your eyes shut, wishing he’d never spoken. 

You didn’t look at him as you mumbled, “Yeah…you wouldn’t be here if you knew”

It came out more venomous than you wanted, and you didn’t wait to see his reaction. But he asked you, “What are you doing here then?”

You turned to look at him, and fuck it hurt every bit of you. You hope you had a stable tone, arms crossed across your chest, because how the hell could he ask you that? “I’m… kind of the host”

His eyes widened, genuine surprise in it, “You are…?”

Well, he would’ve known that if he’d let you be in his life. Why had he pushed you away? Why had he not even tried to keep in touch with you? Was cutting off all contact the only way he knew how? 

“I have to go” You mumbled, feeling hurt all over again, “There’s drinks in the corner if you want”

Hyunjin began to say something, but he was stopped because somebody yelled your name, interrupting whatever he could have said. What was Hyunjin going to say?   

Jeonghan ran over to you, laughing, oblivious to everything around him, “You know Sohee’s going around saying you abandoned her during the game?"

You blinked, looking up at him, “She knew we weren’t going to win anyway”

He laughed loudly, and he was clearly tipsy by the way he talked, “What can I say? You’re a very wanted woman tonight, like five people stopped to ask me where you were. Also, you do remember that you’re the only person I know at this party? You can’t just leave me alone. I might actually end up missing you”

“Right, I forgot” You stifled a smile, “I was doing something for Kairi. Speaking of which…you left her alone?”

“I’m sorry…” He sighed, “There was this dude that wanted to talk to her…she asked me to leave them. And, I did not come tonight to babysit her. I’ve only met her like one time!” 

You laughed, “Really? It is her birthday, Nate. What did you come here for then? ”

He shook his head, smiling, “Oh, being coy suits you, Y/N. It’s sexy”

“What?” You laughed. Before you could even register it, he wrapped his arms around you, picking you up in a little spin and twirl. A surprised noise escaped you, and your hands came to brace yourself against his bare chest. He was grinning at you, completely oblivious to the fact that someone was watching you. You almost forgot where you were, and who was watching, a giggle escaping you. “Nate—” You mumbled, pulling away, hands on his chest.  

“What?” He frowned, and only then he saw Hyunjin standing there, watching all of this take place. “Oh…hey, man” Jeonghan smiled at him, “Wow…you are way too overdressed for this party. Take your shirt off or something”

Hyunjin’s gaze was on the arm around your waist. There was an unrecognisable emotion in his eyes. You’d seen jealousy on him before and this wasn’t it. This… was something else entirely. An emotion so intense that you felt scared of what he was holding inside.

He was frowning, furrow in his forehead, and then he glanced at you, a sudden indifference in his voice, “Where did you say the drinks were again?”

You swallowed, “By the cabins…”

“Oh, I can show you” Jeonghan offered, and you wish he wasn’t so nice to everybody.

Hyunjin’s brows shot up at the suggestion, and you were afraid he’d say something mean, but of course Hyunjin wasn’t mean, so he forced a smile, “Cool. Sure”

Jeonghan began walking away with him, and your grip on his hand was tight, you yanked him back, whispering, “What do you think you’re doing?”

He smiled, whispering back, “Relax. Just showing some hospitality. Also I think that guy’s famous”

You sighed, closing your eyes, because he was impossible to argue with, “Fine, but…get me a drink too”

“Will do” He grinned, leaning in to kiss your cheek. You watched them walk away, and you could hear Jeonghan say, “I’m Nate by the way, only she’s allowed to call me Jeonghan. Don’t ask me why though” 

You couldn’t pick up on what Hyunjin said in response and you itched to know, but…you had to hold back. You stood still, feet rooted to the sand as Jeonghan led Hyunjin to the cabins, and the coolers that lay there, filled with beers. You couldn’t watch for long, because somebody grabbed your arm, turning you around, “Why are you by yourself?” Sohee, from the volleyball game asked, “Come on, you can dance with us!”

“I’m not in the mood, sorry” You apologised, walking away from the fire. What would they talk about? You hope Jeonghan didn’t bring up how miserable and depressed you’d been this whole time. Would Hyunjin talk about youto him? Would he ask him what you and Jeonghan were? Did he…even care?

Sohee laughed, “What? Shut up. You’re dancing with us. You already ditched us in the game”

“I think I’m just gonna go get a drink” You tried to decline, as politely as you could, without being a spoilsport or a downer. She stopped you, hand on your wrist, “What’s wrong?”

“I just…don’t wanna dance. I’m sorry” You gently pulled your arm out of her grip, walking nearer to the river. You could already feel it. All of the progress you’d made all these months was reversing. You were going back in time against your will. What had all this happiness been for, if it was just going to be ripped from you in an instant? How could you ever fucking say you moved on when seeing him for a second changed your mind? 

You thought you were stronger than this, but you were so fucking weak, falling back into an emotion you didn’t need. Self-loathing and sadness and wishing you were enough for him was staring you in the eyes, and you thought you’d left it all behind. This wasn’t how tonight was supposed to go. You…had plans, to feel better, to move the fuck on. Kairi and Chan were nowhere to be seen, and it was past midnight already. She hadn’t even cut the birthday cake yet. You’d made Jeonghan drive you all the way to that special bakery for nothing. Why would Chan show up uninvited on such a special night? Why the fuck would he bring Hyunjin with him?

You ran your hands over your face. Every breath was harder to catch, and you felt like you’d pass out if you stayed standing. A tear slipped into your mouth, and you tasted the glitter mascara that Kairi had put on you. Kairi. You were going to find her…and you’d make sure she still had a good night, regardless of her ex gatecrashing the fucking party. Chan was a lovely person, you’re sure he was, but this was not the time. If he wanted to come so bad, he should’ve just come alone and not brought Hyunjin.

You looked back towards the fire, where Sohee was twirling around with the others, laughing loudly, so drunk and so happy. Jeonghan was back there too, he stood watching the girls dance, but Hyunjin wasn’t with him.

Did he leave? Where was he?

Your eyes scanned the crowd so fast, trying to place him amongst the crowd. 

“I thought you hate beer”

You jumped, startled by the sound. 

Hyunjin stood behind you, holding a beer bottle in his hand, extended out to you. How had you missed him walking over to you?

“What?” 

He seemed confused, hand outstretched, “You…hated beer, right?”

“What are you doing?”

He shrugged, nonchalant, “You asked Nate to bring you a drink. He…wanted to dance instead, he asked me to bring it to you”

You laughed, bitterly, “And what, you work for him now?” 

Why the fuck would he willingly approach you? After forcing you to get out of his life? Pretending like everything was normal? Acting like he hadn’t devastated you entirely, and broken you down. He didn’t even apologise for the way he’d kissed you and pushed you away. He still didn’t fucking realise what he meant to you, and he never would.

Hyunjin’s tongue poked his cheek, and he said, “No. I was trying to be away from the crowd”

You released a breath, “Well, congratulations, now you are. I’m gonna go”

“Wait—” He called out.

You stopped, “What, Hyunjin?”

He swallowed, “Aren’t you gonna take your drink?”

You should walk away from this conversation right fucking now, but you felt angry. Did he know you’d been suffering so much because of him? Did he know you’d given up on love and resigned yourself to a miserable fucking existence, because of him? How could he act so normal? 

“You know what?” You forced a smile, “You can have it. You’ve already ruined tonight for Kairi. You might as well for me too”

“Excuse me?” His features contorted into a frown, as if he couldn’t believe you were bringing it up, “It wasn’t my idea to show up here”

“So what…you came as moral support or something?”

“Chan needed me” He stated, with finality.

“Well” You laughed, “You’re a great friend then. Are you even allowed to be at this party? Isn’t that gonna be a problem for you?”

His lips were in a thin line, “You’re angry”

“No” You laughed, so bitter, so petty, “Just concerned. Actually I am gonna take that drink” You grabbed it out of his hands, pulling with more force than needed, making sure none of your fingers touched any of his. Hyunjin’s eyes narrowed, and he would hate you now if he didn’t already, but that was fine. He didn’t want you anyway.

Jeonghan’s yell interrupted you two, “Y/N! Come on. It’s your favourite song!”

You turned back to them, realising that indeed a song you’d liked in a club once was playing. It wasn’t your favourite song, far from it, but you wanted to be away from Hyunjin. You were losing yourself so near him.

So you glanced at Hyunjin, lifted the beer bottle to your lips, and drops of alcohol dripped down your neck and chest, into your bikini top, messily, “Thanks for the drink”

Jeonghan basically pulled you into the circle, as the chorus came on. You let him. You chugged the rest of the beer, because there was no way you were doing this sober anymore. Jeonghan was fucking tipsy, so he spun you around, and if it wasn’t for his arm around you, you’d fall over into the sand. Somebody handed you a shot of tequila, and you drank that too. The music was loud enough so you couldn’t think, EDM beats playing over and over, making your heart vibrate against your ribs. You wanted to laugh, because everything was so horrible. Sohee was a good hype girl, cheering on for you, grinding her hips against a taller boy, and everyone was lost in the music.

As the song picked up tempo, your hands met Jeonghan’s and he helped you move with an exhilarating speed and you couldn’t even breathe, head spinning. He wasn’t a great dancer, but he was holding you tight, moving your body against his, and it was good to feel desired, “You look so fucking sexy” Jeonghan mumbled into your ear, “You should wear pink more often”

You rolled your eyes, “It’s red…Nate”

“Huh. Maybe I should get a closer look at it then”

“What?” You laughed as he suddenly leaned in, kissing your neck, and collarbones. His other hand dropped to your ass, squeezing it tightly. You couldn’t find it in you to feel shy because nobody was looking at you anyway. Everybody was too busy dancing, or too drunk. Hyunjin had probably realised his mistake and long left. You hope he’d fucking left. You didn’t want to see him again tonight. In the centre of the circle, Jeonghan was bent over you, pressing kisses to your body. Your arms rest on his biceps, as he kissed your neck, “You’re so beautiful when you laugh. I wish you were happier like this more often”

Oh, the irony. If only he knew you’d never been this sad in your life before. Knowing Hyunjin was here, so close yet so far. He was here, but he wasn’t here with you. What was the point…of anything? Weeks and months of moving on. Everything was useless. Hyunjin had to be there, everytime, haunting you like a demon, following in your shadows for the rest of your life. 

“Y/N…” Jeonghan asked, head buried in your neck, realising you were standing still, deadweight, “What’s wrong?”

You’d gone on a date, you had a friend you casually made out with, you were in the best art studio in your country. You were so unhappy. What was the point?

It was like there a string on his chest, tying him to you, bringing you together even when you couldn’t be. Even when he didn’t want to be.

“Nothing” You swallowed, tears shooting up to your eyes, “Can you just kiss me and not ask me anything?”

He frowned, and it was hard to hear him over the loud music, “No…Y/N. Tell me if you’re okay. Do you want some air? Water?”

“I just want you to kiss me and not ask why”

So, almost reluctantly, he did. He leaned in, pressing his mouth to yours and you hoped it’d distract you. You wanted to get lost in it, and you brought your palms up to his face, to his hair, running through it. You’d never kissed him for so long, or with so much emotion. It had always been so casual, for fun, no strings, nothing. 

For just a second, you opened your eyes. You wish you hadn’t.

Over Jeonghan’s shoulder, there was a direct line of sight to Hyunjin.

He was still standing by the river, staring out into the darkness, one hand shoved in his pocket, the other lifting a beer bottle to his lips. He was still here. Right where you’d left him.

Why wouldn’t he leave? There was a path straight to him, people parted like the red sea, the taut string of fate between you working harder than ever.

You squeezed your eyes shut, focusing on kissing the boy who actually cared for you, but when your eyes flickered open again, Hyunjin was watching you.

It should have been obvious, but you were still surprised…to see him stare. Your heart hurt so much you thought you’d collapse. He didn’t want you in his life anymore. He’d made it plenty clear. 

Then why did he look so fucking sad watching you kiss another man?

The party was raging, you were dying. Each press to Jeonghan’s lips made you sick. He kept spinning you around, and you were getting dizzy. Every few seconds, your eyes would fall on Hyunjin. Everything but him was blurred. Your insides hurt, and he was looking at you and you were looking at him but you were dancing with another man. Was this how it felt like to be dying? Jeonghan was giggling about something, and he leaned in to whisper something in your ear. You didn’t hear it, because Hyunjin had turned away from you now, like all of this was beneath him. As if being here was the greatest inconvenience of his life.  

He was walking away. He’d probably had enough of your dancing. 

He’d had enough of you.

“Y/N…hello?” Jeonghan snapped a finger in front of your face.

“I’m going to be sick” You mumbled.

His eyes widened, “What? Did you drink too much?”

“No. I just…I need some air” You stepped back from him. 

“Should I come with you?”

“I’m fine” You shook your head, looking around, “You should dance with Sohee…till I’m back. ”

Before he could protest or respond, you walked away, towards the river. Kairi was nowhere to be found, at her own birthday party. It was all his fault. You had to go find her. What if she had a fight with Chan and needed you?

The alcohol had gotten to your head. You shouldn’t have chugged that beer, and that tequila and that last shot of vodka. Slowly, but steadily you made your way towards the dock. Her birthday cake was rotting in the car. Was it so hard to ask for just one good night?

He had to ruin that too, just like he’d ruined the idea of love for you. You could never love anybody, ever again, not in this same way. 

You walked until you caught up to him. Thankfully, there was nobody else here. Everybody was either in the cabins, or dancing. Hyunjin was pacing back and forth, on his fucking phone as if he was too good for this place. The question left your mouth before you could rethink it, “What does Chan want?”

He looked up at you, eyes drifting over your figure briefly, voice small, “What?” 

“It’s been an hour. She’s not back yet” You stated, as if it was obvious, “In case you didn’t know, she turned twenty-four today, and this entire party is for her. So why is he here, Hyunjin?” You stepped closer to him.

He clicked his phone off, the number he never shared with you, and put it in his pocket, “Um… I don’t know if it’s my discretion to tell you”

You stared at him. You were so past begging to be included in his life. You nodded, a scoff escaping, “Yeah, sorry I asked. I don’t know what I was thinking”

Turning towards the dock, you only made it about five steps away from Hyunjin when he called out, “Wait—I didn’t mean it like that”

You turned to face him, and there was fire in your eyes, there was fire in your veins, “Then what did you mean, Hyunjin?”

Something flashed through his eyes when you said his name, like he also couldn’t believe he was talking to you. “Um. Do you… remember what I told you at the Château?” He asked. The familiarity of those memories flooded through you, like a tsunami. You remembered every single word, you remember each breath he took, each touch. You remember every ridge and curve in his hand, as he held yours. You remembered how many times he pressed his lips to yours, and how loud he’d moaned when you touched him.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” 

Hyunjin tilt his head, “About… how they’ve been together for two years now? About how Chan had planned to ask Kairi to marry him…on her birthday?”

Your eyes narrowed as the realisation sank into you, “You’re kidding me. Is that what he’s doing right now? He’s literally going to ruin her—”

Hyunjin stepped forward, “No, he’s not doing that! But he just needed to talk to her about it. He’s just here to make things right with her” He explained, emphasising each word.

“Why?”

Hyunjin seemed confused, “Why, what?”

“Why now? He couldn’t have picked another day?” You sounded so harsh, but you didn’t care. Yeah, maybe you were pissed that Chan was willing to go to all this fucking effort for the girl he loved. But nobody would ever make any effort for you. You were pissed that Kairi was the one good thing you had left, but now Hyunjin’s life was ripping her away from you too.

He didn’t seem fazed though, and he seemed just as confused as you, “I don’t know, Y/N! I tried to talk him out of it. That it wasn’t a good idea”

You scoffed, crossing your arms, “Well you clearly didn’t do a good job, because he’s here right now anyway”

“What do you want me to do? I tried my best!”

“Well, you should have tried harder, Hyunjin!”

He let out a deep breath, running a hand over his face, “Why are you fighting me?”

You took a step back, “Right. I forgot I’m not allowed to be near you”

His eyes narrowed, “Excuse me?”

“Never mind. I’m going to go see if she’s okay or if she needs me”

He frowned, stepping in front of you, “You can’t just interrupt them. What if they’re having a moment?”

You squeezed your eyes shut. This was a fucking disaster, “He better not be proposing”

Hyunjin’s voice dropped, “Why? Wouldn’t you be happy for them?”

“Don’t put words in my mouth, Hyunjin. I would be happy. Obviously I’d be fucking happy. But Kairi loves him too much. She told me everything that happened. She would just get hurt again when he chooses the company over her.”

Hyunjin was quiet, eyes flickering over yours, voice dropping, “Is… that what you think I did?”

Your voice had lost its energy too, and you stared at him, “I’m not talking about—”

“Because that’s not what I did, Y/N”

You looked up at him, but you were shaking, “This is about her, not me”

He didn’t say anything. For a few seconds, you were both just staring at each other.

He sighed and chose to speak first, “Chan would never hurt her. Their decision to break up was mutual”

Unlike how things happened with you. “Yeah. I understand”

“It’s not just you. I’m worried about Chan too” He ran a hand through his hair. This was not the time to create a scene in public, so you curbed your anger, shoving it deep inside. He cared about Chan, and you cared about Kairi. That’s the only reason you were still here, and still talking to him. It was the only fucking reason you’d talk to him tonight. 

“I can’t believe it’s her birthday and she’s not even here” You mumbled, “All of this was for nothing then. I hope she’s not upset or crying somewhere in a corner”

For the first time this night, Hyunijn looked a tad guilty, brows furrowing, “Do you want to go check on them…?”

You hugged yourself tighter, the wind was picking up quickly, “I thought you just said we can’t interrupt them”

“We won’t”

Your eyebrows shot up.

“Isn’t there another place we can see the docks from…without interrupting them? To see how they’re doing…”

You ran a mental image of the campgrounds in your head, “Yeah, there is…”

And so, Hyunjin followed you. 

There was a clearing in the forest, a thick cover of trees that looked right out onto the docks. You’d seen it back when you came to scope out of the place with Kairi. You were taking him there. You focused on the sound of your footsteps, and on the party you were leaving behind. 

“So…what changed? Why did he pick today?” You surprised yourself by speaking first. 

Hyunjin seemed surprised too, and he glanced at you, “Um…I don’t really know. We were working on a few songs last night…and it’s like Chan had some great epiphany”

“Oh”

There were people swimming in the Han river, some of them were skinny dipping too, and Hyunjin averted his eyes as you passed them. It was so strange to be here, and talk to him, like everything was okay. His tall frame so close to you again, and he took longer strides than you but right now he was slowing down to keep up. You made sure there was enough distance between the two of you so your arms wouldn’t accidently brush. It was funny. Months ago, you used to pray for this to happen, to be alone with him, to have a reason to talk to him, and to accidently touch him. 

You tried to look for Chan and Kairi against the landscape, but they were too far so all you had was to settle for Hyunjin’s momentary glances on you. “You’re good at these” He suddenly said.

“Sorry?” You looked at him.

He looked around, making a noncommittal gesture, “Birthday parties. You planned everything, right?”

“I guess. It wasn’t all me” 

“You…always outdo yourself”

You looked up at him, from the corner of your eye, “I had help. I didn’t organise it on my own”

“I know…but I’ve seen how passionate you are about these things. The food…the music…it’s all very you”

You swallowed, wondering why he was deciding to be civil all of a sudden, or maybe he’d been civil all along and you were the one creating a fucking scene, “Thank you…”

“It reminds me of the beach party, for Felix’s birthday. That one…was so good too”

“Well, at least if things don’t work out with my art, maybe I can become a party planner” You mumbled.

Hyunjin laughed. He actually laughed. It was between a giggle and a chuckle and you looked up at him in surprise. He covered his mouth with his hand, eyes wide, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to agree with you. Things will obviously work out. You’re a great artist”

You couldn’t handle seeing him like this. Eyes crinkled, a real smile. Was he not miserable without you? You looked back at your feet, arms crossed over your chest, “Yup”

“So…is he your boyfriend?”

You looked up, “Sorry?”

Hyunjin seemed nonchalant as he asked, “Nate. The boy you were dancing with” His eyebrows were knitted together, as if he actually even cared if that was your boyfriend or not. 

“We’re here” You told him, choosing not to answer, pointing to a clearing in the trees, “You can see the dock right through there”

Hyunjin stepped ahead, forest leaves crunching under his feet as he did so. There was a pile of rocks and big boulders overlooking the river. Your view was being blocked by them, and you couldn’t see anything from here. 

“I’m just gonna climb up and check if we can see anything from there” He told you, and before you could tell him it was a bad idea, Hyunjin jumped up, easily climbing onto a boulder. It looked so easy for him.

You stood at the bottom, trying to warm yourself. You should have brought a coverup because the wind here was so strong, and you were half-naked. From where Hyunjin stood, he must have a clear view of the entire campground, a good vantage point…for spying on people, like you were now. He could see over the bushes, and you couldn’t, so you asked him, “Can you see them?”

Hyunjin responded, eyes in the distant, “Yeah I can”

“And…? Does she look upset? Are they fighting?”

Hyunjin was silent. You couldn’t see anything from down here, and you were frustrated. “Hyunjin…?” You whisper-yelled.

“Come up. You can see for yourself” He suggested, very unhelpful.

“I’m not wearing shoes. I can’t climb up rocks”

“I’ll help you” He said, turning to face you.

You looked up at him, and his hand was extended out to you. Did you really want his help? But you wanted to see for yourself. You didn’t trust him in the moment. So, you gave in, “Okay”

You grabbed his hand, only for the support, but a bolt of lightning travelled through you, through your entire body. You felt on fire, hair on the back of your neck standing up. Your heart skipped beats, and all you were doing was touching Hyunjin’s hand. It was so warm. His palm was baby-soft, like he’d been taking good care of himself, of his skin.

You tried not to let the shivers affect you. He bent down and mumbled, “Keep your foot here, and I’ll help with the rest okay?”

You climbed up onto a ledge, with sharp rocks jutting out, “If you drop me…”

“I won’t”

“Here goes nothing” You mumbled, keeping your foot on the ledge for balance, hoping you didn’t fall and embarrass yourself. Hyunjin pulled you up, tugging at your arm. You stood head-on, face inches from his. On this tiny boulder, there was barely any space for the two of you. Hyunjin clearly hadn’t calculated for that when he asked you to join him. Because now, you were pressed to each other, and his hand was on your bare waist, gripping you tightly so you won’t fall. Fuck, you’d really put yourself in this situation willingly.

“Shit. I’m so sorry” He realised, leaving his hold on you once you’d found your balance.

You were breathing heavy. Your eyes searched his, and his gaze was so familiar. Half-lidded eyes, dark hair falling into his forehead, lips pink...and plush up close. He was so beautiful, and his body was warm. 

His eyes fell to your body, noting the goosebumps on your chest, “You’re shivering”

“I’m fine”

“Take my sweater”

“Hyunjin…”

He didn’t let you finish and took off his dark woolen sweater. Inside, he was in a simple long-sleeved t-shirt that hugged him tightly. It was almost too small on him, and you could see the shape of his body through it. He handed you the warm sweater, and it was soft to the touch. You slipped it on over your bikini, and it smelled like him too.

He nodded, jutting his head towards the dock, “Um. There they are” 

You turned, trying to balance on the little space you had to stand, peering through the trees.

“Can you see them?” Hyunjin asked, maintaining a sliver of distance between you, as he tried to look over your shoulder. You could see them. Kairi and Chan sat at the edge of the dock, legs hanging off into the water. They weren’t touching, but they were sitting close together. They were talking about something, passionately, because you could hear hints of their voices all the way here.

“What…are they doing? They’re just…talking”

“Yeah” Hyunjin said, a puff of cold air leaving his mouth, “I guess they had a lot to catch up on”

Your heart clenched. You knew how much she loved him. “She missed him a lot…” You admitted.

Hyunjin glanced at you, and then back at them, “Yeah? He did too…he’s been in a lot of talks with the company”

“About what?”

His expression changed at your curiosity, “It’s not important, Y/N”

You frowned, even more curious now, “Tell me, Hyunjin”

He sighed, “It was… just about ensuring her security, in case they got back together, and even if they didn’t. Tracking down and suing the people that sent her the threats”

A flicker of hope lit up in you, for them, “Wasn’t that the only reason they weren’t together? Because of Kairi’s safety?”

Hyunjin looked at you, empty, downcast eyes, “No, when I came back to the city, they’d been having a lot of…arguments, and fights. I would hear Chan on the phone with her till the morning hours, just…arguing, about anything and everything. They weren’t even angry at each other, they were just frustrated because…he could barely give her time. It sucked, kind of felt like I’m a kid listening to my parents fall apart, you know? Watching their relationship fail right in front of me. The nights they stayed up arguing, Chan would show up to practice the next morning unmotivated and unfocused. It was affecting his work a lot. He was barely able to be creative”

You watched the side of his face, as he told you the tale of how this line of work had pulled Chan and Kairi apart. “So…what’s going to change now? Won’t they just go back to fighting?”

Hyunjin shrugged, “I don’t know. Things will never change. But I’m not gonna be the one to take away his hope”

“You really think that…?”

He looked at you, gaze piercing yours, “What?”

“That things are always going to be bad, that they won’t get better?”

“I don’t think that. I know it”

Your heart dropped, offended at the negativity he possessed, “Would it kill you to be a little more positive?”

He swallowed, looking right at you, “Me being positive is not gonna bring them back together”

Now he’d given up on his own best friend’s relationship too, what chance did you stand? You glanced back at Kairi and Chan, breath hitching in your throat at the sight. His hand was on her face now, caressing her, and he had inched closer. They looked…ethereal against the river and the moon.

“It just might” You mumbled. Chan was whispering something to her now, nose brushing against hers. It was so intimate, you suddenly felt like a voyeur.

Hyunjin inhaled, realising it at the same time as you, “We…shouldn’t watch this”

“We… shouldn’t have watched any of it” 

You turned, and Hyunjin had already jumped back onto the sandy terrain, and you wished you were as athletic as him. He made it look so easy. He was holding his hands out to you, “I got you”

You stared at him, and the way his hands were ready to catch you. He was wearing the same jewellery he always did, the same rings as the night he kissed you for the first time, and told you that you shouldn’t be worried because he wasn’t going anywhere. That all felt far too fabricated a lie now. Were any of those things he said true?

“I can get down on my own” You said, rejecting his offer to hold you, to touch you again.

“Are you sure?” He frowned, hands dropping to his side.

“Yup” You weren’t going to ask him for help again, so carefully, you stepped down, one foot on the ledge, trying to balance your weight out.

Hyunjin was watching carefully, and maybe it was good, because you fucking slipped.  Bare feet and rock climbing was not a good mix. One second, the rock was firm underneath you, the other it was gone. A yelp escaped you, but in half a second Hyunjin had stepped forward, catching you in his grip. He had you pressed you to the rocks, grip strong around your body, “Fuck. Are you okay?”

You couldn’t even find it in you to be embarrassed, staring up at him. There was no space between your bodies, and the moonlight fell right on him and his stupidly perfect face. You tried to catch your breath, but he was crushing you to the rocks. You couldn’t even breathe. Your hair fell in front of your face, and Hyunjin’s gaze flickered over it, as if he was itching to fix it. His hands dug into the fabric of the knit sweater, fingers poking in the holes, and his other hand…lay dangerously close to your ass, resting just at the end of your bikini.

So you still could feel like this again, like you would explode from human touch. You hadn’t felt this alive in the longest time, each nerve ending firing at full capacity. This is what attraction felt like, not what you had with your date in the bar, not what you felt when you kissed your friend. Your eyes searched his, for any remorse or guilt for what he’d done to you. You found none. 

"Please let go of me”

“What?”

“Let go of me, Hyunjin”

He dropped his hands from you immediately, hurt flashing through his eyes, and a part of you was happy he could still display that emotion. He’d been fauxing his emotions the entire night so well, he’d pushed them all aside, and you hated that. Why couldn’t he admit he missed you? He stepped back, apologetic, “I’m sorry. I just…wanted to make sure you were okay”

“I’m fine” You side-stepped him, walking back to the campgrounds through the trees. Hyunjin was quiet, and he followed you, a few steps behind. You knew because you could hear his breaths, and his footsteps against the crunching leaves.

After some minutes, he spoke, “Y/N…”

“I don’t want to talk to you” You were walking away from him, as fast as you could, hoping to put some distance between you.

“Y/N…you’re bleeding”

You stopped, “What?”

He stood a few steps behind, watching you, “Your leg. I think you…you cut yourself on the rock. The…branches”

You had far too much pride in the moment to even check if he was right. “It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t hurt” You mumbled, and began walking back towards the party again.

“It could get infected”

“Can you just stop talking, please? I can take care of myself”

“I’m sure you can. I’m just worried about you”

“Why are you even here?” You turned, walking back to him so you could be closer. Each step against the grass did hurt now. You must have cut yourself really bad, because the dirt was burning your wound, but you weren’t going to show your weakness, not right now. You were so far from the rest of the party, otherwise anybody would have been able to hear you arguing. You were thankful everybody else was distracted and having an actual good time, unlike you.

He frowned, “What do you mean?”

“I mean, why the fuck are you here? I didn’t invite you to this party. I want you to leave”

His eyes narrowed, “I’m not leaving Chan alone”

You let out a frustrated sigh, “He’s with Kairi, and they seem to be doing great without you!”

“You’re hurt…” He spoke, calm as fucking ever. Why couldn’t he just express himself, like he used to? Why was he wearing a shield? 

“As if that matters to you. The damage is done. I knew it wasn’t a good idea” You were talking about the cut on your leg, but of course you fucking weren’t.

He squeezed his eyes shut, “Just please let me take a look at it. I don’t want you to get hurt”

“It’s too late for that, Hyunjin”

He reached out, grabbing your arm with more force than you expected, to pull you closer, “Y/N. Stop fighting me. I’m not letting you go without making sure you’re all right”

The authority in his voice shocked you. You’d never heard Hyunjin so determined before, so aggressive. His eyes were narrowed, and his grip on your arm was strong but not tight enough to hurt you. You swallowed, wanting to suddenly cry because you were in so much pain and he was the reason for it all, “Fine”

His grip relaxed on you, and he let out a breath as if it was hurting him too. He looked around, eyes landing on the glass house hidden between the trees, “Can you walk till there?”

“Yeah”

You only felt a little shameful, walking over to the cabin, and you hope nobody was fucking in there or anything. Hyunjin pushed open the door, stepping inside, rummaging through the drawers and cabinets.

“Everything’s empty” He mumbled, a frustrated look in his eyes.

You leaned against the doorway, arms crossed, “Yeah. It’s a vacation rental, so there’s not gonna be any personal belongings. Maybe you could check in the bedroom”

He sighed, walking through the open doorway into the bedroom. The house was so…modern, and fancy, with large glass windows that faced the river. You could imagine how nice it’d be to spend the night here. There was an open four-claw white bathtub, and clearly this room was designed for sex. Why else would there be a tub in here? Hyunjin seemed impatient as he opened every cupboard, pulling open the drawers with gold knobs.

“Found anything?” 

He shook his head, “No…just condoms”

“Oh…”

“And a bottle of…lube” He chuckled, turning to look at you, arms crossed as he leaned against the dresser, “Yeah. nice planning. There’s no first aid kits, anywhere?”

“I don’t know” You sighed, “I wasn’t exactly planning on climbing up rocks”

Hyunjin ran a hand through his hair, “Right. Can you sit down?”

The bedsheets were nicely made, you didn’t want to ruin it but you were in pain now. You sat at the edge of it, hands in your lap. You had on Hyunjin’s sweater on top, but under that…you were still just in your bikini, legs bare. He knelt down on the floor, lifting your leg up in his hands. A wave of deja vu overwhelmed you. This position… reminded you of Felix’s birthday party. Almost the exact same thing had happened, when San had broken a beer bottle and Hyunjin had been worried about you. You stayed quiet, letting him probe around. The cut was near your Achilles heel, which explained why it hurt so much. Tenderly, he touched the skin around it, “Does this hurt?”

You nodded, biting your lip, “Yeah. It hurts.”

He sighed, looking up at you, intense gaze, “It’s…not that deep a cut, but…you shouldn’t go in the river or anything. It could get infected”

“So I’ll be fine? We’re done here?”

He let go of your leg so you could put it down, “Yeah”

Clearing his throat, he got up to walk to the door.

You stared after him, “You’re leaving?”

“There’s a store a few miles from here. I’ll get you a bandaid”

“What? You’re gonna drive all the way for that. That’s stupid. It’s…an hour away”

“Then it’s a good thing I’m not asking for your permission, is it?” He mumbled, pushing the door to walk back outside the house.

“Hyunjin” You groaned, getting up to follow him, “Wait! What are you doing?”

He threw his hands up, voice high, “I don’t know. What the hell do you want me to do?”

As if this was your fault, “Well, maybe don’t come to a party you’re not invited to. That would be a great start”

His voice shot up higher, “I’m sorry I fucked up, okay? I came here for Chan. I had no fucking idea you’d be here! I didn’t even know you knew Kairi, so how could I have guessed you’d be at her birthday party, Y/N?”

You swallowed, knowing he was right, frustrated tears rising up, “So you wouldn’t have come…if you knew I was here? I was right?”

He sighed, each word said so powerfully it cut through you, “Yes. It would have changed everything! I obviously would have preferred to stay home rather than watch you make out with your new boyfriend right in front of me!”

Your eyes widened, and it seemed like he instantly regret what he said.

He squeezed his eyes shut, “I’m sorry. I didn’t…mean to yell”

Hurried footsteps distracted you, and you turned to see Kairi walking up to you, confused gaze, “Hey. Why are you all the way here?”

“Kairi. Are you okay?” You asked, immediately embracing her, “I was looking for you earlier”

She nodded, “I am. I am. I just I got to talking with Chan, and we didn’t realise how much time had passed. I’m so sorry, oh my god. Does everybody hate me for abandoning my own party?”

You shook your head, pulling back to look at her, and you were happy to see that there were no tears, “No, no, they’re all having a good time. That doesn’t matter anyway, are you okay right now? Do you feel…okay?”

She nodded, “I am. Chan and me…we talked about a lot of shit. I’ll tell you everything”

“Where is he?” Hyunjin asked.

Kairi’s eyes widened at him, “Hwang fucking Hyunjin! What did I do to deserve the honor of you showing up to my party?”

He smiled at her, and it’s like his mood had changed instantly around her, “Happy birthday, Kairi”

She jumped into his arms, tackling him in a hug, “I missed you dumbass” He hugged her back, warmly, burying his head in her shoulder, “I missed you too, Kairi”

She pushed his hair out of his face, hands resting on his cheekbones, “You look fucking hot, Jinnie. It’s been a while”

His eyes sparkled at her, cheeks flushing, “I hope you’ve been taking care of yourself too”

Why couldn’t you be the one to get a reunion so warm?  It was your fault for being bitter anyway, and for trying to start a fight with Hyunjin. You don’t even know what you were trying to do.

“I see you two have been reunited” Chan laughed, walking over to you. He glanced at you, a sheepish smile on his face, “I’m sorry about earlier, Y/N…”

“It’s okay…” You told him, “I get it. You really needed to see her”

He nodded, looking around the grounds, “So did I completely ruin the party?”

“No” Kairi shook her head, “I think most of them are too drunk to even notice I’m gone. Although…Y/N might be a little sad” She pouted at you, “You planned everything. I’m sorry it didn’t go accordingly”

You felt conscious, feeling all their eyes on you, “No, I only did it for you. If you’re happy…that’s enough for me”

Chan nodded, glancing at his wristwatch, “Fuck. It’s getting really late. We have a flight in the morning. Should we drop you guys home?”

They had a flight? To where? You shook your head to answer him, “No, that’s okay. I’m…going with Jeonghan”

Kairi giggled at his mention, “Your boy was passed the fuck out a few minutes ago. I think he drank too much. Eric said they’re gonna drive back in the morning, when they’re all sobered up. Do you wanna wait till then?”

It was almost three am, and you don’t think you could wait till dawn, “Oh…no I’ll just take a taxi home. I have class at eleven”

“A taxi from here to the city? Of course not. That’s not safe” She frowned. You forced a smile at Kairi, “Um. I’ll just take it in the morning then”

“That’s a terrible idea” Hyunjin mumbled.

“Just come with us?” Chan offered, and his voice was so sweet it was hard to say no, but they’d all known each other for years, and you’d feel too awkward riding with them, “I’m just…gonna go check with Nate, if that’s cool” 

Chan nodded, casually, “Ah. We’ll be in the parking lot. Look for the black car”

You nodded, “Got it. Thanks Chan”

You glanced at Hyunjin, and he was already looking at you, arms crossed in front of his chest. He averted his gaze as soon as you caught him. 

Back at the bonfire, Jeonghan was sitting in a beach chair, talking to a group of strangers. They must be locals who had rented some cabins. His face lit up when he saw you walk to him, “Where’d you get that sweater? Is there a mall here I don’t know about?”

“It’s just my friends” You told him, not in the mood to joke, bending down to be level at him, “Kairi said you passed out. Are you okay?”

He nodded, smiling, “I’m fine, Y/N. I just found out that these people went to the same high school as me, in LA. Isn’t that crazy?”

You glanced over, at some locals who were sat in a circle. The set-up seemed cozy, there was cider and hotdogs that lay between them, “Oh wow. It’s a small world” You told him, “Um, I came here to ask…Kairi was headed home, and she asked if I wanna come with. But I said I’ll stay with you, make sure you’re okay and everything”

Jeonghan’s lips tugged up into a smile, “Y/N. I’m more than okay. You seem tired, on the other hand. Maybe you should let Kairi take you home? I think I’ll chat here with them for an hour or so”

You nodded, biting your lip, “Are you sure? I don’t want to leave you here alone”

He rolled his eyes, “Are you trying to make me fall in love with you?”

You swallowed, “I’m just being a good friend, Nate”

He leaned ahead, pinching your cheek, “I know and so am I. Please, just get some sleep. You seem exhausted”

You sighed, dread filling you. This meant you’d have to ride with Hyunjin. “All right. I’ll…see you in class on Monday then?”

You got up, to leave but he tugged at your arm, voice dropping, “The boy from earlier. Was that…the guy we saw in the elevator…at Pegasus?”

You looked around, but nobody was listening, so you nodded, “Yeah. That was him”

Understanding settled in his features, “He was…looking at you the entire time he was here. When we were dancing…drinking. He...didn’t look away from you for a second”

“You saw that?”

“Mmh. Is that…the same guy you wanted to…Eternal Sunshine out of your mind?”

You smiled, the movie reference catching you off guard, “Yeah, but um, don’t tell anyone, please”

He grinned, imitating a zip over his mouth, “My lips are sealed”

»»————-

There was a black car in the parking lot. You found your shoes, and your jeans, abandoned by the check-in area at the campground, slipped them on and walked over to the car. The three of them stood there, and the trunk was open. Chan sat in the back, leg pulled up, sipping beer and Kairi was snuggled up to him. It was chilly out here. Hyunjin…stood across them, hands on his waist and they were laughing about something. He seemed so carefree when you weren’t there. His eyes were crinkled, and his laughter echoed in the open night. 

His sweater on you was warm, and you felt shy and awkward as you made your way to them, “Hey”

Kairi’s eyes lit up, “Y/N! Nate isn’t coming?”

“He…said he wanted to stay a bit”

“Perfect. We were waiting for you, so we could cut the cake” Chan smiled.

“What?” You laughed, noticing the little bento cake sat neatly in the back of the trunk, “Here? Just...the four of us?”

“Mmh” Kairi nodded, “My favorite people ever. It’s perfect”

Your heart warmed, and nothing had gone to plan, but it wasn’t up to you, “Sure... Why not?”

She jumped up, standing next to you on the concrete as Chan opened the box carefully. He dug into his pockets for a lighter, and lit the candles. It was…definitely not the way you’d envisioned tonight, but this was about Kairi, and in a way…this was perfect. 

Under the moonlight, in the empty parking lot, the glow of the candles was bright. Kairi leaned in, closing her eyes to make a wish, and then blew hard on the candles. Chan laughed loudly, singing a bad rendition of Happy Birthday, and you smiled at the sight. 

It was strange how they found solace in each other, in an abandoned lot miles away from the nearest city. The celebration was small, much smaller than you’d planned…but it still felt complete. You hugged Kairi, arms tight around her, and she hugged Hyunjin after you. You wonder if your scent lingered on him, through her. He said something to make her laugh, and she teased him by smearing frosting on his cheek. Hyunjin gasped, dramatically, dipping his finger right into the cake. 

“No, no, no!” Kairi laughed, hiding behind Chan. Chan rolled his eyes, “Jinnie. You’re not putting cake on her” 

Hyunjin rolled his eyes, laughing, “Relax…” Although clearly he’d been planning to do just that. Instead of putting it on her face, he licked his finger, tongue swirling around it. 

Kairi got on her toes, pulling Chan in for a hug. You still don’t know what they talked about that made them so happy again, but you would have to be patient and she would tell you everything. For a few seconds, they just held each other, indulging in and enjoying each other’s embrace Your gaze drifted to Hyunjin. There was a small smile on his face, and shamelessly he watched them. You remember how much he loved Chan and Kairi. They were…the world to him. So… he must be the happiest right now. 

Your own smile fell though, the longer you looked at Hyunjin. He must be cold, but he’d given you his sweater…it wasn’t much but it was everything right now. He made you crave him always, even when you were supposed to be so angry at him. The adoration in his eyes, the softness in his gaze…it used to be yours. He used to look at you like that, and you still didn’t understand what changed.

What happened to make him change towards you so drastically? Why didn’t he want you anymore? After the way you’d acted tonight, showing your immature, petty and vengeful side, he probably wouldn’t want to even…associate with you anymore. A wave of sadness hit you. Had your anger ruined any chance you had with him tonight? 

But…why wouldn’t you be angry at him? You had every right. Or maybe…he’d just think of you as the bitchy ex-girlfriend for the rest of his life. You were an anecdote to tell his future lovers, a girl to mention in passing, someone he had a fling with one summer. To you, he was the entire world…but he’d never reciprocate the feeling. You’d ruined everything, because of your sadness. Tears shot up to your eyes, and you looked away. 

You wish you never met Hyunjin. Your own thought killed you.

“Come on. We should get going, if we hope to make it to Seoul by dawn” Chan said, pulling away, hoarse voice. 

“You’re not driving are you?” Kairi asked him, “There’s a lot I wanna talk to you about”

“She means she wants to get drunk with you in the backseat” Hyunjin laughed.

“Same difference” Kairi shrugged, and then turned to you, “You don’t mind riding shotgun, right? Hyunjin’s a good driver”

How did you end up in this situation anyway? You'd already told Kairi that you had no problem with Hyunjin. You'd already caused so much trouble tonight.

“Yeah. I don’t mind” You mumbled. Chan closed the trunk, after making sure the cake was secure, and you walked to the front. You didn’t even know they had their own cars. You’d always assumed their managers drove for them, but their company probably had no idea they were even here. 

Huh. Hyunjin broke the rules for Chan. Just not for you.

You settled into the passenger seat, and Hyunjin sat next to you. 

“Jinnie, you’re gonna have to adjust the seat for yourself” Chan told him, as he and Kairi settled comfortably in the backseat.

“Ah. The sins of being tall” Kairi joked. In the rear view mirror, you saw them immediately snuggle together, and Chan wrapped an arm around her, like they couldn’t bear to be apart. Must be nice. You were jittery, and anxious again, having Hyunjin in such close proximity to you. You rest your hand on the console, trying to not look at his side profile, trying to not think of how you were in his sweater over your wet swimsuit.

Chan moved ahead, hand landing on the back of your seat, “So, Y/N. Tell me more. Now that you’re finally here, I’d love to hear about you”

You bit your lip, “I’m sure you already know everything there is to know about me…”

A warm sensation made you jump, and you realised Hyunjin had accidentally placed his hand on top of yours, on the console between you. 

“Sorry” He apologised, pulling his hand back.

“Um. It’s fine” You put your hands in your lap. You’d forgotten how warm and comforting his hand was. You wanted to hold it again, for the rest of the ride. Glancing in the rearview, Chan was saying something to Kairi, her face held in his big hands as he looked at her with so much love in his eyes. Perhaps this is why their car had blacked out windows.

“So…how long will it take us to get home, Jinnie?” He asked.

Hyunjin glanced at the GPS, that was above the console, “Says about three hours”

“Fuck. I’m definitely gonna fall asleep” Kairi laughed, and Chan nodded, “Me too”

Hyunjin reached into the glove compartment, taking out a pair of thin silver-rimmed glasses. He put them on, and you’d never seen him wear these before so these must be anti-glare, for the drive. Regardless…he looked suddenly ten times hotter than before, and you looked away. You would blame the alcohol for how attracted you felt to him in this moment.

“What are you waiting for, Jinnie?” Kairi asked him.

“Um. Car won’t start until everyone has their seatbelts in”

He glanced at you, and before you could even think, he had leaned over to your side, pulling your belt out of the hook. Your breath stopped as his face hovered over yours but his gaze was focused on the strap as he pulled it towards him. He clicked it in place for you, crossing the strap over your chest, and waist, then he asked you, voice low and hoarse, “That comfortable?”

Just for a second, he looked up at you, eyes meeting yours. His strong scent infiltrated you. You had no words to say. He was so close, and you just nodded, hoping that would be enough.

“We’re good now” He spoke, leaning back into his own seat, and started the car. There was absolutely no fucking need for him to be doing that for you. You knew how to put a seatbelt on, but now you wished he was always there to do it for you. 

Your chest was pounding embarrassingly loud. You think everybody could hear it. You glanced at him, and his hands rested on the wheel, and he looked so fucking attractive. The thin glasses rested on his nose, and he licked his lips, turning around, one hand on the wheel, other on the back of your seat so he could reverse the car out of its parking lot. God, you wish you never met him but you wanted to jump over the console into his lap, and kiss him for the rest of your life. 

Hyunjin cleared his throat, and looked at you before turning to face the road again. His gaze dropped to your body for a second, to his sweater hugging you tightly. You weren’t talking to each other, but… your gaze mirrored his, you’re sure. You stared at his face illuminated in the moonlight, darkened look in his eyes. So, he couldn't love you, but you still had an effect on him, and it made you feel proud. Anybody in the world would be able to tell what you wanted to do to each other. Even right now, when you hated him more than anything. Even when he’d broken your heart and made no attempt to patch it back up. 

You both said nothing, as he focused on the road, pulling out of the campgrounds to catch the highway. The silence was enough. You’d been in this car for just a few minutes, and you were already dying, air thick with tension. 

There were three long hours to Seoul, on a dark highway through the woods, with only the moonlight to guide you, and Hyunjin was inches from you. 

You had no idea how you’d make it there, without completely ruining each other.

»»————-

masterlist ⇒

oh you’ve never needed him like you do right now

you nod your head and tuck your fingers under your hems and tug your pajama pants off

he bites down on his lip as he glances at your chest. “do you mind taking that off too?” his fingers play with the hem of your shirt. “i’d love to see those.”

those

as in

your tits?

you realize he hasn’t seen them yet

you eagerly unbutton the shirt and open the shirt up, exposing your bare torso underneath

he stares at your chest, seemingly surprised that you weren’t wearing anything underneath it

“damn,” he whispers as he crawls to you, wedging himself in between your thighs and placing his hands against the mattress on each side of your waist

he glances down at your breasts and then back up at you, asking for permission with his eyes

you nod your head eagerly

he shakes his head. “say it. i need to hear you say it. tell me you want me to touch you.”

he’s so fucking

annoying

“touch me already, dammit.”

he chuckles, his breath grazing your bare skin and hardening your nipples in the process

you look so damn pathetic.

he brings his thumb up up to his mouth, flicking his tongue up the pad of his thumb to wet it and slowly brings it to your breast

he cups your breast with the rest of his hand as he brings his thumb to your erect nipple, eyes glued to your chest as if he’s forgotten you have eyes

you quietly moan at the sensation, chest already dramatically rising and falling as your breath becomes heavy

he nods his head in mockery as his face closes in on your other nipple, lips wrapping around it

you roll your head back, hanging it backwards as jungkook lathers your breasts in kisses and your nipples in his saliva

“fuck. can’t believe i’ve finally seen them,” he mumbles under his breath as he continues to give your attention-seeking breasts some attention

finally?

he’s always talking about how long he’s wanted you but isn’t it just one of his tricks?

you bet he says that to all his.. ‘little girlfriends’

“finally?” you echo as you pick your head back up to look at him

he makes eye contact with you whilst still having his mouth glued to your nipple

he smirks against your skin before he lets go of your breast with a loud POP

“how many more hints do i have to drop before you realize i’ve wanted to do this ever since i first met you?”

wha

WHAT

is going on

“…you’re just saying that,” you mumble

he chuckles, “if that’s what you want to believe, be my guest. but i have no reason to lie to you, pretty.”

you fight the urge to roll your eyes and look unbothered but you’re betrayed when there’s pressure against your sex that makes you quietly gasp

you look down and jungkook is pressing his thigh into you, and it already allows you to feel how wet you are by how sticky your underwear feels

he kisses up to your neck and makes his way to your mouth, leaving a soft open-mouthed kiss to your open mouth

you keep eye contact with him

and he just … looks. so. damn.

smug.

“you’re so pretty,” he says as he rolls off of you

he pushes you back and makes sure your head lies on your pillows.

and he takes his time as he settles in between your legs, hands curled around your thighs to keep you secure

he uses one hand to push your panties to the side. “ah. you’re pretty too,” he says as he comes face to face with your pussy before helping you out of your panties and leaving them hanging around one of your ankles

he uses his strength to push your thighs back slightly and keeps his hands securely on the back of your thighs to make sure you won’t move as his mouth closes in on your sex

he licks a stripe up your slit, collecting your arousal directly onto his tongue

“fuck,” he grunts at the taste of you, tongue circling your swollen clit

“jungkook,” you moan quietly, your hands squeezing the sheets around your body

he nods and says, “best thing i’ve ever tasted.” he wraps his lips around your clit, sucking on it gently

you know he’s just saying that but damn does it shoot your arousal through the roof

it makes your legs jerk and your hips buck

which makes his apply more pressure to your thighs, pushing them further back

“stay still.”

ah fuck

his deep voice

and the commanding tone

he runs his tongue from your clit down to your hole, poking your clit with his nose as he pushes his tongue into your whilst shaking his head slightly so his nose keeps stimulating your clit

this feels otherworldly

your hands reach for his hair and you tug on it, wanting him even closer

he moves his mouth back up to your clit, assaulting it with his tongue continuously as he brings one hand to your sex

he slowly rubs his fingers up and down your folds whilst his mouth continues to give your attention-seeking clit attention

he keeps rubbing in between your folds before pushing two of his fingers in

“hm,” he hums, “already squeezing my fingers.”

“jungkook. i’m gonna–”

“not yet.” he removes his mouth from your clit and starts pumping his fingers into you

you know you won’t orgasm without clit stimulation and he does too

JERK.

“thought you came here to give me an orgasm?” you manage to say in between heavy breaths and soft moans as your eyes stay glued to his fingers and how they disappear into your pussy

“yes, but if it’s our last time, i wanna watch you break under me for a bit longer.” he curls his fingers inside of you, immediately attacking your g-spot

your hips jerk and you mewl under him

“do… do you really think this will be the last time?”

WHY WOULD YOU ASK THAT

WHY WOULD YOU DO THATTTTT

he peeks up into your eyes, a small smirk growing on his disgustingly pretty lips

“ah. so it’s happened, has it?” he says in satisfaction as he pumps his fingers into you at a faster pace

you grunt, “what?”

“oh just that,” he halts his movements and looks into your eyes. “you’ve fallen for me.”

…

he watches your reaction

but you’re just shocked

what did that little shit just say?

he doesn’t bother to look at your reaction any longer when he closes in on your pussy again, getting back to curling his fingers inside of you at an insanity-inducing pace

just as you’re about to scold him

something in your stomach snaps

and you’re just in time to watch yourself

squirt

all over him

he keeps going though, he didn’t even seem to be caught off guard

your head falls back as your body is set ablaze with pleasure

you moan loudly as he keeps going and the longer he goes, the more you squirt

“what the fuck are you doing?” he says, “open your eyes and look at me.”

this damn stupid junior

you open your eyes, immediately met with his black ones as he stares you down

“atta girl. keep your eyes on me. that’s it, pretty.”

ugh fuck

FUCK

he closes in on your clit and assaults it with his tongue again, eyes still glued to yours to make sure you keep eye contact with him

tears already start pricking in your eyes at the amount of pleasure you’re feeling

“i’m gonna cum,” you whimper, clenching around his fingers

he nods and says, “cum on my face and fingers, baby.”

ah shit

he knows what to say

every

single

time

your orgasm is approaching you at rapid speed

the sounds your wet pussy is making fills up the room

your pathetic cries and moans

his lips smacking against your skin

you’re so fucking glad you accepted

it all sends you straight over the edge

and you’re cumming on his face and fingers

his fingers keep fucking you as you ride out your high, legs repeatedly jerking

your pathetic cries of overstimulation mean nothing to jungkook

he keeps eating you like he hasn’t had a meal in months

after several moments, he pulls away and leaves one last kiss on your pussy before he sits up straight

you’re trying to catch your breath

eyes shifting to him

he sits up on his knees in between your spread thighs, face, neck and chest completely drenched

you stare at him as he wipes his chin with the back of his hand

your eyes trail to the bulge in his pants

damn

you want to fuck him

real bad

STOP IT!!!

and from all the things he could’ve done

he crawls over to you, hovering over you and gently pressing a kiss to your lips

???

he kisses you so

sensually

yet innocently

then he rolls off of you

“i hate to be that guest but could i take a shower?” he chuckles as he gets off the bed, tugging on his wet shirt

you blink at him a bit flabbergasted. “uh.. sure. taehyung has some clothes in that drawer over there but..”

he turns over his shoulder to glance at you, waiting for you to finish talking. “but?”

you slowly sit up, closing your legs. “aren’t you gonna fuck me?”

he stares at you for a moment before fully turning his body to face you. “do you want me to?”

you bite your lip and cross your arms, shrugging your shoulders.

clearly you do

“what happened to it being our last time?” he says with so much mockery in his tone and a shit eating grin on his lips

UGH

“forget i said anything,” you mumble as you start buttoning up your shirt again

he chuckles quietly. “listen,” he takes his wet shirt off. “i’d love to fuck the absolute shit out of you right now.”

you tilt your head to the side. “but?” you question

“but i don’t have any protection on me.” he turns to the drawer you pointed at and takes out some fresh clothes belonging to tae

?

he came here

to give you an orgasm

without bringing a condom?

so he wasn’t planning

on getting his dick wet

and he was serious

about just

finishing what he couldn’t yesterday?

….

you blink at his broad back for a few moments

“where’s the bathroom?” he snaps you out of your thoughts

you nod towards the door in your room

he heads in there and closes the door behind him

you lie there for a few moments, still coming down from that insane orgasm you just experienced

the water hitting the tiles reaches your ears and your leg start bouncing up and down in anxiety

should you just?

no.

you shouldn’t.

you said it was the last time.

so why the fuck

are you walking to the bathroom right now?

stop

STOP WALKING

you are so fucking stupid.

you slowly open the door and walk in, the blurry figure of jungkook through the glass of the shower immediately catching your eye

he’s standing under the shower head with his back turned to you

fuck

Fuck

oh that’s cool

how your remaining clothes are suddenly scattered all over the bathroom floor

and how you’re opening that shower door

good. you’re doing great

DUMBASS

you literally already showered today

you damn horndog.

the click of the shower door opening makes jungkook look over his shoulder at you

you close it behind you without breaking eye contact and stare up at him

his eyes slowly drag down your naked body, gaze draping over you like you’re being showered in lava

by the time his eyes meet yours again, you’ve started dragging your own eyes down his figure

his rock hard dick that’s screaming for attention

you glance at him for a moment longer before closing the gap between you two

he tilts his head to the side. “are you finally accepting defeat?” he asks

you lick your lips. “defeat would be telling you it was the last time when we clearly both know it won’t be.”

WHY WOULD U SAY THAT!!

he crosses his arms over his chest. “so, exactly what you just did?”

“you almost got me, i’ll admit that,” you reach for his dick and wrap your fingers around his hard shaft. “but i can’t have you thinking i’m falling for you when all i want is your body.”

his eyes shoot down to his dick in your hand, lips parted as his breath gets slightly heavier

you gently squeeze and watch him slightly jerk his hips forwards

“so, what are you saying exactly?” he heavily breathes out

“i’m saying i want you to fuck me until you realize that you’re the one that’s wrapped around my finger,” you say as you push him back towards the tiles, his back colliding with the wall

your hand slowly starts jerking him off, squeezing just right. “not the other way around.”

“i already accepted your challenge and you went on to complain about me being poison to you. if anything, you’ve already admitted defeat,” he says, slowly and steady as he tries to keep himself from moaning

damn.

well

he’s not wrong

“are you just gonna keep mouthing off or are you gonna do something?” you ask, dodging his remark as you slowly place his shaft in between your closed thighs, pressed up right against your pussy

his dick is sandwiched in the crease between your sex and thighs

he grunts as your clench your thighs together, looking up at him as he shuts his eyes

he says, “you’re confusing me. one day you want me to fuck you and then the next you don’t want me near you.”

he’s right

but you’ve made your decision

you now know that you most definitely are wrapped around his finger

and you won’t stop until he’s wrapped around yours

you finally say, “i wasn’t sure how to deal with the fact that i liked getting fucked by my junior. is that what you want to hear?”

he glances down at you for a moment

he licks his lips, playing with his liprings as he intently stares you down

then, he places his hands on your bare waist before pressing your back into the cold tiles, dick still sandwiched between your thighs

he grips your hips and starts thrusting, fucking the crease you’ve created for him

his dick glides over your wet folds so effortlessly, making soft moans escape your lips

he continues to do so, the side of his head falling onto your shoulder and lips pressed into the crook of your neck

he occasionally smacks your ass, quietly praising you for how good you feel and how beautiful you are

you clench your thighs, tightening the small hole you’ve created for him and he grunts as his hips stutter in their rhythm

“fuck,” he whispers as his thrusts speed up, precision and power all making your body feel so damn hot

you move your hands up to his shoulders, digging your nails into his skin

“i’m glad you realized that ‘last time’ thing was bullshit cause i have no idea how i was ever gonna act like i can get enough of you.” his breath tickles your neck

fuck

fuck fuck

he needs to stop saying shit like that to you

cause it makes you feel special

and if he makes you feel special

it’s grounds for jealousy to form between you two

and that cant happen

because why do you already fight the urge to roll your eyes whenever anyone else’s name comes out of his mouth

“fuck, i’m gonna cum.”

you squeeze his shoulders. “cum all over me, jungkook. mark your territory,” you whisper into his ear. and then, you add, “make me your slut.”

what

the

hell

is wrong

WITH YOU?

WHY ARE YOU JUST RUNNING YOUR MOUTH

a cocky chuckle leaves his lips. “you already are, pretty.”

what

did he

just say?

and before you know it, he’s pulled out of your makeshift hole

his hands have quickly turned you around, pressing your front into the tiles

face, hands, chest all pressed into the cold tiles, keeping you from moving around

and that’s when you feel warm liquid being shot all over your ass

you quietly gasp as it hits your skin, your face turning over your shoulder to glance at him

“fuck,” he moans as he milks himself of every last drop

then he stops, trying to catch his breath

you stay put, his cum on your ass

your face, breasts and hands pressed into the tiles

fuck

after he’s caught his breath, he gently washes your defiled skin

he takes it upon himself to squirt some of your body wash onto his palm and clean you up

you turn to face him and his eyes are glued to your face as his hands roam your body, lathering you in soap

but

his touch

isn’t… sexual

he’s just… washing you

this feels

strangely domestic

and you don’t know how to feel about it

the rest of the shower is rather quiet

and you both step out, drying your bodies

you sit on your bed in your bathrobe as jungkook gets dressed

“are you leaving?” you ask as he reaches for his dirty clothes and fishes out his keys

he slowly turns to you. “i should.”

you blink at him for a few seconds before nodding. “okay.”

why are you so disappointed?

get over yourself

big chance this is gonna happen again.

and again.

and again.

he turns to head out the door but then he stops.

he turns back to you and walks up to you, stopping right before where you’re seated on your bed

you look up at him and he stares down at you

he places his finger under your chin and tilts your head to look at your face better

he suddenly hunches over and presses his soft lips to yours, fingers still gently gripping your chin

the kiss doesn’t last long as he’s already pulling away, an unreadable expression on his face

“what was that for?” you quietly ask

he parts his lips to seemingly say something but he decides against it

he lets go of your chin as he takes a few steps back, still looking at you

“just felt like it.” he shrugs his shoulders before turning around and disappearing into the hallway

fuck

oh shit

no no no

he shouldn’t have done that and you shouldn’t have liked it

it isn’t long until you hear the click of the front door opening and closing

aaaand he’s gone.

you rub your eyes and sigh

you hate how good he makes you feel

you really do

you yawn loudly before reaching for your phone

and your heart drops straight into your ass

3 hour old notifications???

from: yoongi

‘Hey, did you get home okay?’

from: yoongi

‘What did you do today? I hope you still got something out of your day despite the long train ride’

shit

fuck

FUCK

what now

cause yeah.

literally what the fuck have you done?

to be continued

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you get a text

from: tae tae

‘What you up to?’

from: you

‘nothing. watching tv alone’

from: tae tae

‘I’m bored. Can I come over’

from: you

‘sure’

you sit up straight in your bed and rub your eyes

hmm

tae doesn’t live that far so

he’ll be here soon

you make your couch a bit cozier with blankets and place some snacks on your table

after some time passes

your doorbell rings

you make your way to the front door and swing it open

“you need some more friends, taehyung,” you say as you put some of your shoes away to leave space for his

“i agree, he should.”

?

you look up

from your kneeling position

to make eye contact

with the devil himself

he stares you down from up there with hooded eyes

“where’s taehyung?”

he shrugs his shoulders. “i took his phone to text you. i know you would ignore me if i tried to dm you.”

he’s unbelievable

“why are you here?” you ask as you rise to your feet

he tilts his head to the side. “i still owe you.”

you frown

what does this damn junior want?

he needs!! to leave!! you alone!!

“and what exactly do you owe me?”

“an orgasm.”

the air knocks right out of your lungs

you shake your head. “i already told you. it was the last time.”

“i know but technically, you didn’t finish.”

UGH

you hate him.

you hate him.

you sigh quietly. “that’s okay. i don’t mind.”

“i do.”

for fucks sakeeeee

“you gonna let me make you cum? one last time?”

he closes the distance between you two, staring down at you with a neutral expression on his face

he’s not trying to convince you

it just seems like he actually takes this ‘favor’ seriously

“jungkook,” you sigh

“i swear i won’t bother you anymore.”

ugh

and now you’re reminded of everything tae told you

you wrap your fingers around his forearm and gently tug him further into your apartment

you quietly close the door. “you’re not bothering me, jungkook.”

he just stares at you, letting you speak

“but weren’t you supposed to hang with isabella today?”

a smirk creeps on his lips. “keeping tabs on my life?”

you scoff, “you wish. i just overheard you two talking.”

he hums as he kicks his shoes off and walks further into your apartment

DAMN JUNIOR

“so. you prepared this for me?” he nods towards the cozy couch and snacks on the table, picking one can of pringles up

“i prepared it for taehyung.” you snatch the pringles can out of his hands

he chuckles. “well, you put in all this effort. it’d be a shame if it went to waste.” he turns to face you fully

you look up at him and cross your arms

his eyes drop down your pajamas, taking note of your cute pajama set and fuzzy socks.

he quietly mumbles, “cute,” with a small smile.

your cheeks heat up and you turn away from him, heading towards the couch

“well, i guess you’re right but only because i don’t want my efforts to go to waste.” you plop down and sit down with your legs criss cross apple sauce

he takes his sweater off, revealing his plain black shirt as he goes to sit down next to you

you reach for the remote and start going through the available movies

he sinks comfortably into your couch, draping one arm behind your head on the backrest of the couch

you ask him if he’s seen some of these and he tells you that he’s actually not a big movie fan and prefers shows

preferably mystery and/or thriller

you nod your head, agreeing with what he’s saying

so you both agree on watching sherlock

and you have a lot of fun

watching it with him

:(

2 hours into the marathon

you glance over at jungkook

and

:(

he’s dozing off :(

you don’t know why

but it makes you feel some type of way

like

did he use the excuse of having sex to come here? just to hang out with you?

:(

ah

you just

start feeling guilty

you move closer to him and shake his arm

he quickly blinks and awakes, looking around. “oh, i’m sorry. didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

you shake your head. “it’s okay.”

he slowly sits up and stretches his arms. “so have you thought about it?”

you frown as you glance at him, pausing the show with one hand on the remote. “what?”

“letting me make you cum.”

….

you ask, “you’re serious about that?”

he nods his head like you just asked him about the weather and he knows the answers

“you don’t have to do that. if you wanted to get your dick wet, you should’ve let isabella come over. why come to me?”

at this, he frowns. like he’s genuinely confused

“because we didn’t get to finish last time. why are you bringing up isabella?” his frown almost stings you

you try to appear nonchalant and casual. “because it seems like she’s down for whatever. or not?”

he chuckles but there’s no humor behind it. “are you jealous?”

“now, why the fuck would i be jealous, jungkook?” you rise to your feet and gather the empty cartons and cans of snacks and drinks

“i don’t know, pretty. you just sound kinda jealous.”

you hear the smugness in his voice even when you’re all the way in the kitchen, throwing out the plastic and cartons

“don’t call me that,” you mumble as you start folding one of the blankets

he gets up and closes the gap between you, pressing his chest into your back

“what? you don’t like being called pretty?” he jokes, pestering you as he stays glued to your body with each move you make

he adds, “you definitely loved it when you were getting fucked, though.”

UGHHHH

can he just

GET LOST!!!!

the longer he’s here

the more your resolve crumbles

the longer you’re in his proximity

the more you want to take him up on his offer

you want to help him

you do

like tae said

but

is it worth it when it makes everything worse for you?

you can’t fucking stop thinking about him

and your body heats up whenever he’s near

you turn to face him. “you,” you start, “you’re not good for me.”

his expression falters. “what do you mean?”

you shrug your shoulders. “you’re like poison, jungkook. i don’t know what’s going on.”

he stares at you dumbfounded. “i’m so confused.”

“ugh!” you throw the blanket on your couch. “i spend one– ONE night with you in a tent, next thing i know, i’m having sex with you in the back of someone else’s car and letting you fuck me in a dirty tent while our friends are asleep.”

you swallow thickly before you mumble under your breath, “a guy like you should wear a warning.”

he silently stares at you for a moment before he crosses his arms over his chest. “well, i do. you’re the one that started coming onto me after tae warned you.”

you almost choke on air cause he’s right. “that has nothing to do with this.”

your body is starting to heat up

his serious expression…

hes so fucking hot wow

he steps even closer to you. “it has everything to do with it. just admit that you wanted me and stop acting like i did something underhanded so that i could fuck you. you know damn well you wanted me to fuck you as bad as i wanted to fuck you.”

a lump starts forming in your throat

he has you all figured out

but he’s not finished. “so quit acting like the bigger person.”

fuck

fuck fuckfuck

fuck you want him

you want him so bad

he adds, “you keep pouting at me like that and i’ll have no choice but to kiss you.”

fuck

the words leave your mouth without you even realizing. “then kiss me already.”

fuck

why did YOU

SAY THAT

he wastes no time lunging at you, cupping your face as he kisses you with so much fervor it sets your body ablaze

you let him walk you back to the couch before he sits down and pulls you onto his lap

you don’t hesitate for a second when you climb onto his lap

kissing him with equal amounts of fervor

tongues forcing their way into each others mouths

the not-so-innocent grinding

soft moaning

heavy breathing

fuck, you want him

you need him

his hands grip your hips, fingers draping over the swell of your ass

the more you grind your hips into him, the harsher his grip on your hips

until he starts spanking you

making you moan into his mouth

fuck he’s making it so hard for you to be the better person

is one last time really that bad?

but.. will it really be the last time if you don’t put a stop to it now?

you know if you accept, you’ll always just fall straight into his trap

and ‘a last time’ will never really be a last time

declining right now would help him in the long run, you could build that bond with jungkook that tae was talking about

so what will it be

toxic frenemies with benefits (ACCEPT)

or

healthy friendship and no more lying to tae (DECLINE)

to be continued

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