so a guy i briefly had a crush on asked me on a date today. Damn the awkwardness was fierce. i told him straight up, Im not ready for a relationship. Thing is im not stable enough for it, i also dont want to have the same regrets as my last failed relationship. I want to do things right this time. I want to make sure next time i get into a relationship, it is purely because i have feelings and attraction for this person. But also i want to get into a relationship where for once i dont feel aso though it will end. But right now i cant handle it, i want to be by myself, single until i make sense of myself. I have a lot of figuring out to do. I dont even know my own sexuality. i dont even know if i have a real attraction to men. because with my guy ex'es, etc i have this underlying feeling of repulsion. i dont know.

I want to feel something real for someone. I want to be able to sit under the moonlight and the stars , to look to the person next to me i care for and feel it. That thing your supposed to feel. In your heart and stomach. Complete admiration for nature and that person, the combination of the two that just completely emotionally overwhelm you. Last time i was under the stars with a significant other, i didnt feel it. I just faked it. I consciously wanted to cherish a moment that had no emotional value to me whatsoever. A seemingly romantic moment that was completely empty. Simply melancholy. With every cliché romantic moment and event i had with him there was no heart, no soul no emotion. Well at least on my part. Just me pretending that he ever meant anything. So why now when everythings done do i chose to make myself suffer over someone i know wholeheartedly that i felt nothing for? I think the loneliness is getting to me.