a vent

I am doomed to be sad.

It’s the end of April. I’ve applied to 45 jobs already. 1 interview so 1 potential offer. But still no job. Even if I get the job, I’m away from all friends. Have to start over. No medical school for him. Long distance for another year at least. Feel like I did all this graduate school for nothing. Changed my passions around again. Feel worthless. Feel scared. Wanna hide.

I am stronger than I ever have been before. Stronger, happier, and most importantly, more sure of myself. We've reached the one-year milestone, and looking back, our relationship has transformed since day zero in so many ways. Neither he nor I have been immune to our own personal transformation, and together, our sense of partnership has only grown in strength. Yet, our connection still feels as young and fresh as it did the day I first met him. The obstacles that presented in the past year are no longer of issue - I have moved past any and all fear that once consumed me. Assuredly, frightening memories of pain continue to haunt me as most memories of that nature do, but I am confident that with time, they will no longer affect me. (Although I still do fantasize about what I would say or do if I ever met her in person) I'm with someone who gives me the confidence and the ease of mind to fully be myself and let go. I'm so damn lucky and I'm well aware of that. Cheers to a T-10 medical school acceptance for him and a wonderful job offer nearby for me, all in the near future.

Today I won. I am strong. And I have no need to fear.

I’m okay. She can’t hurt me. She can’t touch me. She’s not in his heart. I don’t need to obsess. I don’t need to fear. I’m okay. I am strong. Everything is okay.