Slave of my thoughts, by Hans

30 minutos until my next examen, I feel confident enough to be writing though. It’s been like two weeks since last time I wrote something here. Guess the most important thing right know is that I’m finally over my emotions and feeling... I mean, obviously I still feel but I ain’t crying or spending all my day worrying about that beautiful human being (I’m not saying her name cause don’t know if this will always be my private space). It took me to be talking, crying and whining with three different friends, specially the day she told me “it’d be awkward so let’s keep being just friends”. That day I felt horribly! and three hours laters I had a volleyball match, which was the worst game I have EVER played! But pretty much that was all the suffering because I don’t think about denying the existence of whatever which didn’t go as I planned, but to embrace everything that happens, doesn’t matter if it was amazing or not.

So, where am I right now? I could say I’m in peace with myself. Don’t know how or why but I’m finally letting go everything which I can’t control, and that’s something REALLY HUGE! Because I’ve always tried to plan and/or control everything and that’s been sometimes really frustrating because obviously we all wish to live only the best parts of our life. 

Some minutes ago I was listening six women who were talking about their cancer’s experience after they survived it. Obviously everything they said is worth spreading, but this time I wanna talk about the part of not telling what you feel until it’s too late. As I mentioned, they are survivors, so right after they won their battle their life hasn’t been the same. Now it’s better! Because now they actually live! 

One of their advices was not to hold what you feel. In their context, what they were trying to say was about telling our love ones we love them, doesn’t matter if we feel kinda embarrassed for saying it out loud... and that’s exactly what I wanna write about this time.

I’m the type of person who gets hook up pretty easy with others, specially when somehow I notice them to have a lot in common with me. And I get even more hook up when I have feelings for someone, like I wanna tell her she looks beautiful or that I really like how gorgeous she looks with her hair down all the time. But society has said that it’s really weird or even creepy to tell those things to others. I would love someone telling me compliments like those, I’d actually make my whole day! 

I remember when we used to chat in MSN Messenger, we used to answer back right away! And if someone wasn’t answering back, you just sent them those annoying “nudges” demanding them to answer haha! But now it’s quite different and I really hate it!

Now, unless the person you’re texting with is a really close friend, no one wants to answer right away, specially if they’re talking with their crush. Gosh!! I really can’t tolerate the stupidity behind that logic. “Do not answer immediately so he/she doesn't think you’re desperate”. WHAT THE FUCK!? If I answer you back right away, it’s because I wanna be talking to you and wanna show you how I care about you. I know sometimes we’re just lazy and we take some minutes or hours, but that ain’t the reason all the time,

We all have heard that, or even we’ve said it. But to really love someone unconditionally is not that easy. Perhaps it is easy when we’re talking about family or friends, because that’s when we don’t expect absolutely nothing in return, we just love them by who they are and wish them the best things in life. 

Imma start writing in first person because it’s my story and it’s easier. I just met someone who I can’t help to fall in love with, and obviously as with the people I care and love who are really few haha I wish the best for her and I genuinely believe she deserves to be the happiest person in the planet. Unfortunately I’m well aware that I can’t say I love her unconditionally because I expect something. I expect/wish/crave a reciprocal love from her.

Did you read the post before this one? In which I said I over think everything too much. Well, now I’m thinking about if somehow in the future, fate decides we shouldn’t be together and I end up with someone else, then I’ll have to read this realizing how foolish and innocent I was thinking about her being the one.

Wanna know the weirdest part though? I’ve only known her for about three months now. I know I just wrote something which y’all could think I could’ve known her for years because of the word “Love”, but that’s the type of person who I am. I fall in love pretty quickly when I get to know someone who I like. That doesn’t mean I fall in love with someone new every day haha

Two of many things, which define who I am, are over thinking and not sharing my thoughts. Those things have never been healthy habits, but lately they’re getting really toxic for me. That’s why I finally decided to write everything, or at least, some things in order to have space in my mind for my own sanity. Or maybe I’m just starting this blog as a shout out to being heard.