Welcome to My Place of Thoughts

there will be a rainbow after their storm

i was told today “you handle deaths well, and talk with the families at such a personal level and let them feel heard” at first it was a compliment, but then i asked myself “why is that” is it because the last several months (more recently) i had to talk with families about their loved one who’s not going to make it, or how i’ve gotten so good at the death navigator (if you don’t know what that is, feel thankful), or how I explain to the families what’s going on. i don’t know the answer. the only answer that comes to my mind is “numbness, trauma, and doing this way too damn much” as i left work today I was “prepared” that the next day i work i’ll have a certain patient because that day the family decided to take that person off life support. cool, let’s add another person to my list and another family to console while i’m internally breaking down instead each time. it doesn’t just “get easier” we get numb. we all will need serious therapy when this is all over.

being a covid icu nurse isn’t easy. today i did cpr on a patient and felt his ribs crack beneath my hands, my coworkers and i got the patient back, until he coded again a few hours later and we lost him. then walking into another patient’s room acting like everything is just fine… it starts to get to ya