things I shouldn’t say @mydeepdarktroublingthoughts - Tumblr Blog

He’s mad at me for not opening up about my feelings. My happiness, anger, love, likes, dislikes, vulnerabilities.

If only he knew what I was shielding him from: my sexual abuse, my self harm, my starvation, binge eating, weight gain and loss and gain and loss, and again my gain. the way I still get tempted to stuff my mouth with everything bad for me and chew and chew and chew until my cheeks burn raw and I proceed to spit up chunks onto napkins.

but most importantly the very scary thought that I don’t want him. That I imagine myself going back in time, time and time again and re-aligning the stars so that we wouldn’t have met. So that I wouldn’t burden him with my emotionally checked out self. So that he could have a chance at true love.

#thingsidneversay #my fiance #weregettingmarried #tminus8months #hedeservesbetterthanme #anorexia #chewandspit #ednos

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I run my fingers over the very first scar I gave my self. On my left arm, running horizontally, about five inches before the crease of my inner elbow. It’s small. A clean, straight forward slice. As if a surgeon ran his scalpel over a perfectly porcelain field of cells.

I distinctly remember the river of cerise trickling down my elbow and onto the shower tiles below, the water guiding it past my toes and into the drain.

That was my very first cut, it wasn’t planned. But it was the foundation of my self destruction. All the other scars faded, from my hips, my thighs, my shoulder blades and my inner arms. But this one remains, as porcelain as the field it started on, welded between my tanned skin, reminding me of what I had been.

#thingsidneversay #itsbeenmorethan5years #everydayimtemptedtorelapse #toredothatcut #tofeelthatrelease

He flashes before my eyes. White hazmat suit, mask looming over his mouth, goggles shielding his vision of the massacre. He leans in towards me as if inspecting the damage, the pieces left behind of a storm clouding my judgement. I almost wish it’s me, I almost wish it’s true. I almost wish it was that easy. That he’s picking up the pieces I left behind and putting them together to form a believable, pitiable story. But it’s not me, it can’t be me. It’s never that easy.

His caption reads “about to clean up a suicide on the train tracks”.

#darkerthoughts #myfirstthought #thingsidneversay #atleastnotoutloud

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