My comfort diary

i keep telling myself, it'll be okay. life is unfair sometimes. but why does unfair always seem to know my name?

why is it that every time i want something, i'm the one expected to let go first? why do i have to earn a place in people's lives by making sure there's enough room for them in mine?

how am i supposed to show up for everyone when i haven't shown up for myself in so long? i keep saying, "later." i'll cry later. i'll be angry later. i'll let myself fall apart later, but later keeps moving.

so where am i supposed to leave all these feelings that no one ever asks about? where does my anger go after i've swallowed it? where does my sadness go after i've smiled through it? where does the part of me that needed someone go?

because i am so full of everyone's disappointments, everyone's expectations, everyone's hurt, i can't tell which pain is mine anymore.

maybe that's the cruelest part. i've spent so much of my life making room for everyone else, that i became homeless inside myself.

Not knowing or not finding is sometimes the best finding because it stops people from constantly chasing answers and expectations that may never be fulfilled. That chase often leads to stress, anxiety, overthinking, and disappointment.

Humans were never meant to know everything or make meaning out of every single scenario or circumstance. Even psychologically, humans naturally seek certainty because the brain is built to look for patterns, predict outcomes, and create meaning from situations and uncertainty?it creates discomfort because our brains often perceive the unknown as something that needs to be solved, even when there is literally nothing to solve.

The more information a person takes in, the more their brain has to process. And with social media and how easily accessible information and communication have become, there is an overload of information being thrown at us constantly. Our brains are constantly consuming, comparing, analysing, and storing information at a speed that we never really adapted for.

This can be seen in relationships as well. Sometimes a partner replies late or acts differently for a day and instead of accepting uncertainty, people start searching for explanations like “Did I do something wrong?”, “Are they losing feelings?”, “Are they talking to someone else?”. Hours of overanalysing texts, stalking their social media or trying to find hidden meanings often creates more anxiety than the situation itself.

The same happens at work or in our academic lives. Someone receives a short message from their boss saying, “We need to talk tomorrow,” and suddenly the brain creates ten different scenarios. Or someone spends hours trying to make the ‘perfect’ decision because they believe more research or more information will finally make them certain. Instead of helping, the search itself becomes exhausting.

An individual can only take so much before cognitive overload starts to happen, where too much information makes decision-making harder rather than easier. Instead of creating some sort of clarity, excessive searching can create analysis paralysis, where a person becomes stuck thinking instead of understanding.

Sometimes trying to delve too deep into things that do not need to be understood creates more confusion than clarity. We keep searching because we think finding something will make us feel better but it usually provides only temporary relief before the brain searches for the next unanswered question.

I don’t usually write about movies or series, but We are all trying here has been on my mind a lot lately. It is genuinely one of the most beautiful series I have watched and I absolutely adored how it managed to bring so much joy and comfort into such a chaotic world while also teaching such important lessons about life.

The series teaches you that no matter what happens, you should always continue being strong and continue finding happiness. Success may not come in a day, a month, or even a year, but real strength lies in being patient, continuing to move forward and spreading comfort and joy to those around you

One of my favourite parts was definitely the relationship between the main lead and his brother. No matter how difficult life became, they always loved, cared for, protected and stayed by each others side. Their bond felt so real and showed that family isn’t about perfect circumstances but about always being there for one another.

I also loved how the series showed that real friendship does not come from money or status but from sticking together through everything. The relationships in this series were also written beautifully because it showed that real love is not when the spark never fades, but when you remain patient with each other’s mistakes, grow stronger together and never forget why you fell in love with that person in the first place.

What amazed me the most is how this series constantly reminds us that love exists everywhere, not only through romance, but through family, friendship, and the people who continue choosing us every day. Every character had such different personalities, yet they all came together so perfectly.

There’s something oddly comforting about feeling sleepy around someone you love. Like you could be completely awake and active a few minutes before, but the second you’re next to them, talking, lying on their shoulder, hearing their voice, looking at them, your body suddenly relaxes. And there’s actual science behind that feeling.

Researchers have found that being physically close to someone you deeply trust can reduce stress levels and improve sleep quality. A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that couples who slept closer together at the start of the night often felt more emotionally secure and less stressed overall.

A lot of this has to do with oxytocin, also known as the “love hormone.” It’s released during physical affection like cuddling, hugging, holding hands, or even just something as simple as touch. Oxytocin helps lower cortisol, which is the body’s main stress hormone, making you feel calmer and safer. And honestly, sleep is impossible without feeling safe first.

Your body doesn’t fully relax if your mind still feels alert or emotionally guarded. That’s why anxiety can keep people awake for hours, while comfort can make someone fall asleep almost instantly. So when you’re around a person you truly love, your nervous system responds to that sense of security. Your breathing slows down, your muscles relax, and your brain stops being in “survival mode.” In a way, your body finally feels like it can rest.

That’s probably why people get sleepy during late-night calls with someone they love. Or why resting on the right person’s shoulder feels different from resting anywhere else. It’s not always about being tired, sometimes it’s just emotional safety.

Of course, not everyone sleeps better beside another person. Some people need space, silence, or complete isolation to sleep properly, and that’s completely normal too. But for many people, feeling sleepy around someone they love isn’t random at all.

It’s comfort. It’s trust. It’s your body realizing it doesn’t have to stay so alert anymore.

And maybe that’s one of the quietest forms of love, when someone’s presence makes your entire nervous system soften without even trying.

for more give the following research a read-

Someone is sitting in front of you, clearly hurt, maybe even shaking a little while trying to explain themselves. and your first instinct is to go “okay but you did this, this, and this to me.” That’s not communication, that’s deflection.

It might even look like this sometimes- your partner tells you that they felt ignored the whole day, and you immediately bring up how they didn’t reply fast enough last week

your friend opens up about feeling left out, and you counter with “well you cancel plans too”

someone says “that hurt me,” and instead of hearing it, you build your own case

What you’re doing here psychologically, is protecting your ego. Whenever we feel blamed or criticized, our brain reads it as a threat. So instead of processing the other person’s pain, we switch into defense mode, self-preservation over connection. It’s called defensiveness, and it shuts down empathy almost instantly.

But here’s the problem: two hurt people talking over each other doesn’t really resolve anything. Things just escalate. When someone is already emotionally activated, they need validation first, not comparison. If you stack your hurt on top of theirs in that moment, it doesn’t feel like honesty but feels like dismissal. Somewhat like their pain has to compete to be taken seriously.

There’s a time to talk about your feelings too. absolutely, but the timing is everything. If someone comes to you in a vulnerable position and you respond by redirecting the focus to yourself, what they probably hear is: “your feelings aren’t important unless mine are addressed first.” And that? That is inconsiderate.

Listening doesn’t mean you’re wrong, it just means you’re choosing to understand before defense. And honestly? It’s not that hard to pause your feelings for a second.

You don’t really lose anything by letting someone finish. You don’t become smaller by choosing to understand first. If you care about them, you’ll let their feelings exist without turning it into a debate.

placing myself in your spot,

softening, adjusting,

i dont hurt your thought.

i treat you how you deserve, with love,

with respect,

yet you pull me everytime,

with no remorse, no regret.

but it’s difficult, to not be seen,

not be understood,

tearing me apart, piece by piece,

making me feel like im no good.



i love like if i give enough, you might finally choose me,

but you only hold what i offer, not me fully.

does anybody truly even care?

does anyone truly even love?

or am i just kept around because i give more than i should, yet its never really enough.

they all leave eventually, thread by thread,

taking parts of me that can never be sown back,

but no, i never regret.

pulling me apart, until i am bare,

and still i have so much love left in me,

just now in despair.

no one ever stayed, no one ever could

What does it mean to think?

To think means to be able to analyse,

To make meaning of what is in front of us.

To control your emotions in any situation,

To be aware of right from wrong.

It is our values, our beliefs, thoughts and memories.

It is the ability to accept and move forward.

It is the quiet pause before we react,

The moment we question, reflect, and understand.

It is not just knowing, but feeling deeply and choosing wisely.

It is learning from what has been, while shaping what could be.

To think is to grow through every experience,

gave you the softest parts of me, like they were safe in your hands.

You were the one who said, “you deserve to be loved the way you love.” So I believed you.

I believed you, when you promised you wouldn’t leave after I told you, how everyone eventually does.

I was there, in the late night calls, in the tears you couldn’t stop, in the silence when no one else chose you. I was there. every single time.

But the night I needed you most, you chose someone else. And suddenly I was petty, too much, too wrong.

Funny how someone can promise to stay, while quietly learning how to walk away.

I still cry for you. I still love you. I still know that if you called, my heart would run to you before my mind could stop it.

But what about the night mine broke in your absence?

people don’t really talk about what it does to a child when their parent has an explosive temper.

when you grow up around anger that can come out anytime, you’re constantly on edge. you start noticing everything, the tone of their voice, the way they walk into the room, the sound of things being put down a little too hard. you’re basically always trying to predict if something is about to go wrong.

this puts a child in constant fight or flight mode. the brain learns that peace is temporary and that something can blow up any moment.

so the child adapts. some kids become extremely careful with their words because they’re scared of triggering something while some become people pleasers, trying to keep everyone calm all the time.

and because when your brain grows up in that kind of environment, it stays wired that way. you become hyper aware of people’s moods. you overthink small changes in tone. conflict feels way more threatening than it actually is.

a slightly raised voice, someone sounding irritated, a tense conversation, and suddenly your body reacts like you’re back in that stage again.

a lot of adults who grew up with explosive parents struggle with things like feeling responsible for other people’s emotions, being scared of confrontation, over explaining themselves so they don’t get misunderstood, walking on eggshells in relationships or just shutting down emotionally to protect themselves

something i think a lot of women do in relationships is think a lot before saying anything to their partner.

before telling him something, she’s already replayed the whole situation in her head, looking at every side of the story, thinking about how it might sound, how it could be misunderstood, and what reaction it might cause.

not because she wants to hide things. most women actually want to be completely transparent.

but a man’s temper can sit very heavily on a woman’s mind. even the thought that one small thing she says might create chaos can make her overthink everything. suddenly something small feels big enough to disturb her entire peace.

so she ends up choosing her words very carefully, thinking ten steps ahead before saying anything. for a lot of men, a conversation is just a conversation.

i remember the ad so clearly, three girls eating whatever they wanted, laughing, saying it’s fine, we can always “throw it out later”. it sounded like freedom. like a secret.

as the “chubby” girl who was bullied at school and at home, it didn’t feel wrong. it felt smart. i could eat and still be thin.

it started once or twice a week. then after meals. then after every bite. bulimia doesn’t feel like self-destruction at first, it feels like control. psychology calls it a cycle: binge, guilt, purge, relief. and that relief wires you in deeper every time.

the results were “too good.” i got thinner. people called me pretty. i was finally looked at differently.

until i wasn’t. i was too skinny. dizzy. faint. obsessed with losing just a few more kilos. i exercised for hours, but nothing compared to the number on the scale after emptying myself out.

when i finally admitted i was bulimic, my parents were worried. disappointed. scared. so were my friends.

recovery has meant starting from scratch. letting food stay. facing the fear. rebuilding a body i spent years punishing.

i’m not fully over it yet.

trauma bonding is so romanticised that we don’t even realise when we’re drowning in it.

it’s not just “we’ve been through so much together.” it’s when pain becomes the glue. psychology literally explains this through intermittent reinforcement, the same principle used in addiction research. when affection and hurt come in cycles, your brain releases dopamine during the “good” phases and cortisol during the bad. that unpredictability wires you in deeper. you don’t fall in love with the person but you get attached to the relief.

when inconsistency feels familiar, chaos feels like chemistry. your nervous system confuses intensity with intimacy.

and the toll? chronic stress, lowered self-worth, emotional dependency, distorted perception of what love should feel like. over time, your body stays in fight-or-flight even in silence. you start craving the highs just to survive the lows.

trusting the wrong people and treating them with the kindness they never deserved. it was foolish of me to not see their patterns, i was an idiot in love. not only romantically, but also platonically.

friends? fake

bestfriends? fake

lovers? not real

they dont see how their words haunt me at night, how their silence wakes me up in a fright.

i try not to react, to just put up an act.

it doesnt phase me, nor it should,

i’m exhausted. not physically or emotionally. the kind of tired that sits in your chest and refuses to leave.

i keep running from the girl i used to be. the reckless one. the free one. the one who thought the world was hers. the one who lived for small pleasures and temporary highs, mistaking them for love.

she ruined things.

not because she was cruel, but because she was desperate to be chosen. all she ever wanted was love. and when she couldn’t find it, she went looking for it in the wrong places, at any cost.

now i’m trying to be better. softer. wiser. building a new version of myself piece by piece. but the past keeps chasing me. old mistakes don’t stay buried.

they follow me.

they sabotage the person i’m becoming. and the worst part? disappointing the people i love now, trying so hard to change and still feeling like i’m never enough.

will i ever be free or am i forever paying for the girl who just wanted to feel loved? i don’t hate her. she was just broken. but i’m tired of carrying her wounds.