Heated Rivalry characters as real things that happened in the NHL
Ilya Rozanov
Liked bisexual pegging porn on main (Evgeni Malkin, link is very NSFW)
Says "Russian machine never breaks" in an interview when asked about an injury (Alexander Ovechkin; this means that russianmachineneverbreaks.com is the bears/raiders blog. no idea what happens to rmnb when he moves to Ottawa).
Does a celly that's fun enough to make Don Cherry Dan Apple angry (Evgeni Kuznetzov)
Tweets "Just sitting around the house tonight w my dog. Felt like I should be doing something important, but couldn't put my finger on it." when the team he's left off of loses an international competition (Phil Kessel): if Russia doesn't get banned from the Olympics, this is definitely Ilya post-fanmail when Russia loses at the Olympics
Gets someone to design a bunch of emojis of himself and then released it as an app (Evgeni Malkin)
Shane Hollander
Denies he has the mumps while one side of his face is in another zip code. Like Crosby, he's fully vaccinated and just unlucky.
Suffers whatever the fuck this is as a rookie in Montreal
Lovingly ribbed by his teammates who create a twitter account called "Boring Shane Hollander" that tweets things like "It was nice to score two goals last night. To celebrate, I’m going to sort through my recycling and make sure I get the blue bin out for pickup in the morning." (Sean Monahan)
This is not a hockey player, but he gets drunk and heckles the refs at the women's gold medal game at the Olympics, like everyone's second favourite ice dancer, Scott Moir (in this scenario, the men have already finished, obviously).
Other
"I'd have my cock out if I scored four goals. I'd have my cock out, stroking it." aka dick trick: I actually think there's three scenarios here. One happens when Ilya is two months into his rookie season, and he's the Tomáš Hertl, the one who scored four goals. I don't know who the Joe Thornton is in this situation, though. The second scenario is that it happens when Luca Haas joins the cens and Luca is the Hertl and Ilya is the Joe Thornton. The third scenario is that Shane is the Hertl, but I have no idea who to cast as Joe Thornton in that situation. so I guess I'm going with Luca Haas scoring four goals and Ilya coining the dick trick. Although this also relies on Ilya never having scored that many in a game before, which he definitely has, so....idek.
Prospect who eats a worm in the Everglades (Lawson Crouse): Vincent Lemaire. Ilya is the one who dares him to do it.
Talks shit about coaching staff in the back of an uber, which then gets leaked (Ottawa Senators): easily the funniest option is to make it the Ottawa Centaurs pre-ilya. It's why they bring on Weibe.
Bullshit smear article about a Toronto player after he's been traded accusing him of eating a hot dog every day (Phil Kessel): this is Troy Barrett, of course.
Chokes on a mozzarella stick recovering from a broken jaw (Sidney Crosby): despite this being a sidcros special, Shane is definitely not the one. I think it's one of the Centaurs.
Your emotional support fourth liner goes to the All Star Weekend (John Scott): Ryan Price. Let him have nice things.
Admits he ejaculates prematurely on TSN for some reason (Jeff Skinner): Luca Haas. Is this because I always picture Jeff Skinner when I think of Luca Haas? Yes.
Brioux Christmas card: I think it's either the Pikes + Shane or Hollanov + Luca Haas.
Likes a tweet that says "Bi erasure is the dumbest shit in the world and was one of the biggest reasons it took me so fucking long to come out as bisexual" (Garnet Hathaway): Carter Vaughn. He's not bi, he just agrees biphobia is shit.
Publicly tweets a picspam of him and his bestie that is the beginning of the hockey RPF fandom having the largest proportion of locked works on the archive (Tyler Brown): Cliff Marlow/Marleau to Ilya.
Sleepover "bet" for some reason (San Jose Sharks rookies + Tyler Toffoli): Cens rookies and Ilya
Tyler Seguin body issue: I know the obvious is Ilya but may I suggest Scott Hunter? The HR team gets ever closer to it with every promotional image
Strombone twitter (Roberto Luongo): look I'm not sure how to explain his twitter account but it's Wyatt Hayes.
Ones I can't decide but need to be on the list:
Scratched for missing team breakfast (Tyler Seguin)
Edmonton polycule
Endorses an amulet sold by Russell Brand that allegedly protects against wifi (John Tavares)
Buys enormous sculptures of the Alien and Predator from the films, puts them in front of his home, and then names them after his friends (Evgeni Malkin)
Weirdly into plate tectonics (Connor Bedard)
Has written a PhD dissertation on hockey styles and plans to defend it and receive his PhD after his career is over (Alexander Ovechkin)
Special mention because it's a different league: having to play the euphonium during the cup parade because of a lost bet (Amanda Boulier)
