NON RESPICIENS RETRO

Switched to chibi style bec this is more manageable for me while I juggle my dissertation and comms! Which @sssammich totally agreed on! :) This chap was comm’d by Sam btw! Thanks to her we get to see chap 5 much much earlier than my sched could’ve allowed! 🥳 thanks for the support sam! 🥰

It’s supercorp baby Lyra imitating her mommy Lena in serious business mode, Andrea taking the brunt of it! :))

BEATRICE + loose strands of hair

I’ve only watched Warrior nun once this weekend, but I went back to rewatch this scene in particular and, there is just SO SO much to unpack from the suitcase this scene dropped on my lap 

1. Ava being like daamn she’s translating straight from french that’s hot (ava is someone who has effectively so far, missed on her entire life, missed on the most basic stuff walking, sensory tactile daily input, socialization outside of abuse. So she’s truly getting to know and see and experience everything for the first time, she is hungry for living and knowing and finding out. So in this sense ofc it makes absolute sense that she’d be attracted to Beatrice who is pretty much a walking library, she’s attracted to her on an instinctual level from moment one, she’s just not rationalized yet that she is, but the magnetism is there) 

2. Ava repeating the word lesbich, because ofc her golden retriever brain would be like hey I know a whole new world and in a foreign language how cool is that?!! While also being painfully unaware that that word carries so much weight and pain for Beatrice and must be likely cringing internally to have the object of her affection just throwing the word around like it’s nothing 

3. Ava’s ‘yeah she did!’. Once again reaching only an initial level of analysis and being excited because the nun in the story is a bada$s who just won’t put up with abuse, cause in her eyes that must be literally so cool therefore violence and retribution is righteous. 

4. And then being crestfallen when she’s notices Beatrice strong reaction to the whole story, then she’s capable of grasping a deeper level of understanding of everything that’s behind. It’s not just retribution, it’s hatred and fear and abject pain. She gets a glimpse of the other side of the coin, what the nun in the story/Beatrice deals with. A blinding rage, and overwhelming pain. It’s not justice driving the sword, it’s trauma. Her facial expression switched in seconds as does her approach to the rest of the story. 

5. Now she’s able to see a connection between the warrior nun in this journal and Bea, she knows it is something primal but still can’t put her finger exactly on what, yet she can feel that an immense pain is the thread that weaves both the story and Bea’s visceral response to it.

6. Bea’s realization that she’s isn’t the only one, she’s not the only gay warrior sister. Up to this point I’m sure she must have felt isolated even inside her religious community, which became her family. They know who she is, but they don’t know her completely. But there was someone just like her, through time, even at the distance she’s not alone,  and she can also reach that feeling of being fully herself and at peace (I’ll forever wonder how Bea related to Shanon and Mary about this specific point). 

7. Bea being pissed at Ava’s obliviousness. Ava being so close to the central theme of the story but still failing to connect they last final dots, which would save Bea an enormous amount of time working to an admission or confession of her love (which we actually didn’t get, only after Ava was gone. Not even when Ava kissed her, not even when Ava took the leap and actually said I love you. Bea just wasn’t going to be able to take those steps on time), if Ava could just realize by herself what Bea is feeling for her… But she doesn’t and then Bea snaps because rly ava?! C'mon work with us here. 

8. Bea’s gut wrenching admission that she became an academic overachiever to compensate for being gay. Now this is actually personal to me and I’m sure to most of the queer community, we’ve been there. Bea at some point literally felt she had no value as a person, only through discipline and excellence in everything she does :’(  she probably still feels that way, up until meeting Ava.

9. Bea dead a$s saying: 'What (who) you love, what (who) should make you happy only brings you pain’… while looking directly at ava…. Ava, sweaty, darling, honey baby, adoptive child of literal divine light, god’s chosen champion… my sister in Christ. Bea is pouring out her bleeding heart, looking straight into your eyes, admitting that even tho she loves you and you make her happy, you bring her pain. And in so many ways, as a christian believer/nun who’s been told her whole life that being gay means your are doomed and automatically going to super hell, as a young queer woman who has gone to the almost ultimate stage of self denial of herself and her sexuality by becoming a nun, as a sister warrior entrusted with the safety of the halo bearer, as Ava’s very first and actual close friend, as a gay mess who’s trying so hard to keep her feelings on check because her relationship to Ava involves literally the world’s salvation and she has no idea if Ava is exclusively straigh/or remotely queer. I cannot even with this specific exchange pls. This pained me on a molecular level because I was transported to my crush on a girl I met at bible camp when I was a prepubescent. (Yes I was at one point and against my will, an uncool christian nerd I’m no stranger to christianity and its multicomplex traumatic interseccion with queerness). And I still to this day wonder what became of Irene my Bible camp crush

10. Ava (despite not reaching the full understanding of the situation that Bea would like her to have) is emotionally smart, so whatever it is that’s bothering Bea so much, she’ll offer to listen to her, and if she isn’t ready to do so, she can wait; but in the meantime she’ll make damn sure to let Bea know that Beatrice isn’t just 'barely acceptable’, nor 'simply enough’. She is seen, she is full, whole and beautiful.