Who Even Knows Whats Going On!?

Once again, because I accidentally deleted my post, and now I have to rewrite it from memory alone.

If you don't sympathize with dear Illumi, then you probably shouldn't read this because this is about to be me being soft, sad, and protective as fuck over my babie Illu.

So... these are headcanons that have been building up since I started Hunter x Hunter 14 years ago, back when I was 9 and I had the biggest crush on Illumi and Hisoka (yes, they creeped me out, but I still had a big phat crush).

I've been watching HxH reactions the past two months and I don't understand how people feel so bad for Killua and Alluka for what they went through but don't realize the other children went through the same, and how Illumi probably went through worse to turn out like he is. I refuse to believe Illumi was born as a perfect, obedient, murder doll.

So what I believe in:

• Illumi was heir for, at least, 10 years until Killua was born and Zeno and Silva saw more Zoldyck in a newborn baby than in sweet Illumi, who had too much Meteor City slums in his blood. I refuse to believe that Killua was chosen as heir solely on "potential" alone, what kind of potential does a baby have? Illumi was too dark for Zeno's taste.

• Dear Illumi was an only child for five years until Milluki was born. He had no one to comfort him, no brothers to rely on. He was basically a test child for Zeno and Silva, Kikyo probably didn't have much say on Illumi's upbringing. He was tortured, beaten, and punished until all was left was a perfect submissive and obedient murder doll.

• How many childish things were denied to him? Were his soft toys taken from him when he was dropped in Heaven's Arena and Milluki was born? Did he come back to a bedroom that was as alien as the new toddler in the house? Did he miss his plushies and his baby blanket? Did he come to a room that suddenly was bigger than him? Was all the softness taken from Illumi, and instead given heaviness in return? Was he smacked for crying? Did Silva break every bone in his little fingers when he tried to hold hands after he turned six?

• Did the butlers ever try to help Illumi like they did Killua? Did they turn a blind eye to the quiet child with the big black eyes? Was Tsubone's dislike for Kikyo-sama so great that it extended to lonely, sweet Ilumi who resembled his mother with his dark hair and dark eyes? Did she see so much Meteor Slums in him that she decided he wasn't worth more than trash? Did she ignore him when sweet Illumi's lip trembled and his eyes shone like onyx with unshed tears because it was better for him to "cry it out", or did she go to Silva to inform him, until all the tears were beaten out of Illumi again and again until he learnt to jam needles into the back of his head so he couldn't feel anything anymore?

• Ten years old Illumi who would play with five years old Milluki, who would look at him warmly and would make Illumi's lips twitch into what he no longer remembered was a smile. Illumi who snuck candies and snacks that weren't even poisoned to Millu after his training, who would get him soft toys, and games to play with, until Silva decided Illumi was too soft and spoiling Milluki too much and made him take over Milluki's torture training. Milluki who loved his "kind aniki" even after he stopped bringing him treats, even when he would whip him because Illumi came back bruised like a plum the first time he ever refused to do something. Illumi who later on gave Killua chocobos, and brought dolls and makeup for Kalluto who had a penchant for girls things, because no one had ever thought of bending the rules for Illumi even if they all did for his brothers.

• Did he go through training none of the other children went through? Was he forced through "seduction training" at the tender age of thirteen? Small, delicate Illumi with bite marks on his small neck and rope burn on his wrists, did Silva think it was too much after Illumi was so averse to touch and his eyes were so blank they seemed to swallow all the light? Did Kikyo say no more, not the other children, Illumi is the only one I will give to you to break? Did they ever notice the way Illumi's mind would wander, leaving behind a corpse? Illumi, so eager-to-please and wanting so bad to be loved by a father that didn't like him, that he would ask for seconds when he slapped him, that would press his forehead to the ground in forgiveness when he killed one of his special tutors before they even touched him?

• Illumi who is half out of his mind with fear all the time because which punishment will it be this time? What did his brothers do now, that Illumi has to take the blame for? What transgression did Illumi make this time? What will Kikyo take offense at now that the only thing that will calm her is raking her talons through her eldest's skin? Illumi takes job after job after job, because he loves his family so much but Kukuroo mountain is the setting to almost all his nightmares. Illumi who is so terrified because he takes punishment for mistakes he didn't even commit that he does not allow space for imperfection in his brothers because he doesn't want them to be punished too.

• Illumi, age fourteen, not even blinking as he was told he was no longer heir, Killua age four grabbing at his mother's skirt as his aniki bowed at his father's feet apologizing for not being good enough. Illumi understood the decision, he was not special, he could tell, no one had ever bothered with him as a child, the butlers never bent the rules for him like they did for Killua, his parents were not lenient with him like they were with Killua, and grandfather Zeno did not spoil. Illumi wasn't even jealous, he understood he was not special, he had been a weird, stupid, and ugly child, he wouldn't have looked at himself either. So he takes care and loves Killua over anything else because that's what he was told to do. That was his new purpose.

• He's fifteen and at a job when he meets Hisoka Morow. Illumi doesn't know it yet, but the man with golden eyes is the only one that will go back for him always, even when he doesn't ask, even when he doesn't want him to, Illumi can't have friends but he wishes for Hisoka, wishes he could have him.

• Sweet Illumi at age eighteen breaks under Hisoka in a way he has never done before, breaks in a way so vulnerable, so soft, he cries through it, and god, Illumi has never felt this loved before.

• Illumi is twenty two and coming back to the mansion on Kukuroo mountain after a job when he's informed Killua ran away. It's not fair, Illumi thinks. It's not fair because now it's Illumi who's being punished for his selfish little brother. Milluki is angry, Killua stabbed him, and didn't even think of the consequences of his actions, Killua never does. Killua never saw how bruised and bleeding Illumi came back every time any of them broke a rule.

• Illumi brings Killua back but Gon comes back for Killua, and Killua comes back for Alluka.

• Illumi is twenty three finishing a job with Kalluto when their youngest informs him he's not going back with him. Illumi feels rage and betrayal, another selfish little brother. Another one he doesn't fight because Illumi isn't skilled enough not to kill him. Kalluto leaves and Illumi is terrified, because he failed to bring back another of his mother's sons, and the punishment won't be pretty, slaps will not suffice this time.

• Illumi never thought leaving was an option, and it's not fair, because no one ever came back for him, or Milluki, or Kalluto, but at least their youngest was smart enough to leave and join the Ryodan, who would never let anyone come for their youngest spider. Illumi who came back time and time again to this awful house because he loved his family and wanted to keep everyone together. None of his brothers had loved Illumi enough to notice he was as afraid and lonely as all of them.

• Illumi is twenty four when he leaves the horrible mansion on Kukuroo Mountain to live with Hisoka Morow, who loves him. His mother cries, his father doesn't care, Zeno is happy as long as Kikyo is upset, and Milluki... Milluki is internally grateful the clown dared to take the eldest Zoldyck away.

And one of my favorite headcanons:

• Hisoka Morow, Glam Gas city born, a nobody magician with a taste for violence and blood, met Illumi Zoldyck at nineteen years old and knew he had to keep the fifteen year old murder doll. He knew at first glance there was no one more beautiful, and no one worth more than dear, sweet Illumi. Hisoka would keep his sweetheart even if he had to fight all the Zoldycks and their butlers, he would even kill them all, if Illumi didn't love them. It took Hisoka almost a decade to take him away from the dreadful house with eyes on the walls and torture chambers, but they both found a love so great it made all the suffering worth it.

So these were my headcanons that were only reinforced by okayantigone on AO3. Her fanfics are masterpieces, and I wish they got way more attention that they have. I recommend my absolute favorites HisoIllu stories: children running through, asbestos in the walls, the home that awaits you, and yesterday's cherry pits. Three of those are Illumi centric and one is Hisoka centrict.

Hope you like my post ♡

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