~ semi active ~ softie

When Mark Lee was young, he’d kneel at the church and pray. At first, he prayed to be a knight, before praying to be a magician. When Harry Potter came out, he prayed to become a wizard. But when he learnt the brutal truth of reality, he prayed for the same thing he now prays for every day; he wants to be successful. He wants to achieve every possible life goal he can have; and first, that means acquiring opportunities. 

His whole life was planned out at age ten. From going to Neo-City University (aka the school that is notorious for producing some of the most successful businessmen of today) to getting married by 30 years old to becoming a CEO by 35, he determined from a young age that his success would be measured by milestones. He desired to be the golden boy in everyone’s minds; always remembered for his skill and his success. Unfortunately, that means his life has been filled of casualties; friends forgotten by his busy schedule, social life ignored for that extra hour of work to achieve perfection, family neglected by his endless projects, and his own health being put second to success. And with his milestone of marriage, you were next. 

It was study break. Exams were in a month and all you wanted to do in the library was build an impenetrable fortress out of books, set up Netflix, and never leave your little cocoon. Sadly, life must go on and the world keeps turning so you can’t press a pause on time – especially when mid-term exams are around the corner. 

But you can’t be lying about the ulterior motive for staying in this particular spot in the library for the last week. There so happens to be a cute boy sitting across from this very seat, planted at the window, for the last month or so. In fact, you swear you’ve seen him every time you’ve been in the library; the same boy surrounded by skyscrapers of books. 

“You should just ask him out,” Your best friend Nayeon said. “Next time you go, I’ll give you a coffee - on the house. Offer it to him next time. You can’t talk to him if all you do is stare.” 

The cardboard cup holder was the only thing protecting you from burning your hand, especially as you struggled to stand. You praise Nayeon’s guts; you could never actually do this without her support. As you approached, you felt your heart beating out of your chest. If one of your friends in the nursing department went to run tests on you, you’re certain that they will treat you for cardiac arrest on the spot. 

Your beating heart seems to echo throughout the library. He must’ve heard you approach as his head shot up to look at you even before you stood in front of him. “Um, hi…” You croaked out, now quickly scurrying to be at a non-awkward distance. You’ve had anxiety prior to school presentations before, but you’ve never been more uncertain of your own voice as you are now. “Um, my friend works in the café and gave me an extra coffee.” You awkwardly and robotically stuck your arm out, reaching forward. For him, all he saw was the cup right in front of his face; with the scent of the beverage filling his senses and waking him up some more; the rest of the world blurred behind it. “Do you want it?”

He chuckled. “Uh, sure. Thanks.” He put it down on the table, not taking a sip quite yet. Instead, he immediately went back to the words on his page. The following silence flipped a switch in you; you hoped you’d at least get his name.

“I think it’s an espresso or something. She didn’t really clarify. I promise it’s not poisoned, and I’m not sure of your name so it’s my name on the cup so its definitely not poisoned,” You couldn’t stop the words exiting your mouth – it all felt stumbled out of you, as if it’s been trapped for ages and it finally has the chance to be free. His presence seemed to remove any filter you may have had. It felt like an hour before he finally stopped you, but in reality it was only a couple seconds.

When his voice finally interrupted your unfiltered train of thoughts, you caught him smiling; his eyes squinted, his teeth showing – and a gorgeous giggle leaving his lips. It was right then you realized something about this boy will change your life. “I’m Mark. And I swear its fine.” He even took a sip to prove it, “See?” But a momentary shock interrupted him. “Did you stalk me?” 

You blabbered in protest, trying to explain how you in fact have only seen him in the library. Of course, you tried to hide the intrigue you had for him. “No, I’m kidding!” He started laughing at your defensiveness. “This is my exact order. Did you get it from…I forgot their name but the barista in the café…I think her name starts is like Jayeong? Jayeon? Mayeon?” 

“Nayeon?” You asked. 

He hummed in approval, letting you suspect your best friend planned for your awkwardness to go haywire. “Yeah, I kind of go to the café on routine at this point. She’s always the one who takes my order.” You sighed in relief, before stuffing your free hand in your pocket and basking in the silence. You wanted to talk more, but you just didn’t know how to nor if he wanted to. Rocking on your feet, you glanced around; trying to find another conversation point. 

The time? No, too basic. 

The librarian who seems to hear every whisper but not when people are obviously doing something gross in the back? No, too suggestive. 

How nice his coat is? Hmm, that could wo-

“Would you like to sit down, …?” He trailed off, motioning for you to say your name. You felt your face go beet red; embarrassment flooding you as you realized he was talking to someone he didn’t know the name of. 

“Y/N.” 

“Nice to meet you, Y/N.” Something about the way he said your name felt like a melody to your ears. “Would you like to sit with me? I…I can make some space.” He already shuffled – more like scrambled – to clear up the books around him. “

You smiled gratefully as you placed your bag next to the chair in front of him; the same chair he motioned to. “I’d love to, Mark.” 

“How the fuck did you know his order?” You exclaimed, crashing into the café just before its opening after your all-night study session with Mark (this access to the cafe comes from the benefits of your best friend being assistant manager). 

Nayeon smirked to herself, patting her hands on her apron. “He comes here every morning, nine in the morning and five in the afternoon.” She recited as if off memory. “When you explained to me where he sat, I knew it was him. I see him there all the time.” She turned around, following through with her routine of stocking up the café. “He’s kinda weird, you know? Like his whole routine is planned by the minute. I swear he’s never been late to pick up his coffee.” She seemed to rack her brain for more related memories. “Hell, one time he came early and he left at the exact same time he normally leaves – like he couldn’t even savor his meal, he just breathed it in.” 

“I think it’s a bit sweet.” You smiled, remembering the boy’s soft smile and sparkling eyes that now have a strong hold on your heart. “Why didn’t you tell me his name?” 

The matchmaker winked. “Wanted to make sure you liked him enough to start a conversation on your own.” 

And boy, did you like him? You saw him through rose-colored glasses; romanticizing his every breath and even had a daydream where he just glanced in your direction. But these glasses made you oblivious.

From Mark Lee (library boi): Want to study again tonight?

Life seemed to feel like a cutesy montage that every romantic comedy fails to capture the beauty of a blooming romance. For one, the butterflies in your stomach becomes ever-present, finding a new home in your heart. It felt like a puzzle piece finally coming together. 

And Mark was ambitious. The words he speaks remind you of all that you can do; reminds you of the greatness you can achieve. He reminds you of a golden boy; impossible to hate and so easy to love. He reminds you of the golden person on top of trophies, and how he achieves everything he sets his mind to. He reminds you that nothing is impossible. His dreams of graduating with top scores in one of the hardest degree paths in NCU inspired you to push further. Maybe that’s why all your dates require textbooks or a fueling caffeine, except for a select few at the cinema. 

“When will we finally meet the boy that swept Y/N off their feet?” Tzuyu cooed at girls’ night at the local pub. “She hasn’t left the library in weeks. What happened to weekly girls’ night?” 

Nayeon chuckled, knowing the boy in question. “It’s now monthly!” She added to the argument, wanting to add onto the exasperation of the missing presence of their friend. 

“He was actually supposed to come tonight.” You stated, a smile ever-present on your face. Anyone could see your glowing reflection. “Tzuyu told me to invite him.” You explained to the rest of the girls who showed disappointment at the idea of a potential male presence during the first complete girls’ night in a month. “But he had an extra credit project due tomorrow, and then he also has an internship interview tomorrow afternoon, and yeah – a ton more. He’s just busy.” 

The girls gave each other a look, which at the time, you thought was a look of appreciation. But now, you know better. Now, you knew it was a look of concern – especially after Nayeon told them of the routine life he lives that he never strays from. How could he add a girl into the mix? 

Regardless of your friends’ concerns, Mark officially asked you to be his girlfriend five months after the first night in the library – he said it would’ve been earlier if it weren’t for his business pitch. Now, it’s your first anniversary. 

“Good morning, beautiful.” He smiled, shuffling over in the twin mattress you two barely fit in. Mark wanted to live close to campus so the two of you applied to live in the same university housing. While this was great for the commute, it didn’t leave much space for when you wanted to do sleepovers. Nevertheless everything he touched felt golden to you, so this bed was one for kings and queens as long as he was by your side. “Happy anniversary.” He pressed a delicate kiss on your nose; a flutter of his chapped lips (lacking sleep and water) on the tip of your nose, before pressing another kiss to your lips. 

You grinned; “Happy anniversary.” You pressed another chaste kiss to his lips. As he went over you, now planking as you wrapped your arms around his neck; he grins and bites his lips before leaning down. However, before his lips could even graze yours; his alarm went off. 

“Fuck,” He groaned. “I have a meeting with my advisor in 30.” 

Disappointment filled you. Your heart dropped heavy. “What time will you end?” 

His eyes rolled upwards as if mentally checking the list in his mind. “I can be free for dinner?”. Within the year of dating, you were used to this. Mark was always busy. There were days last year where you may never see him; the only conversation between you two were nightly texts and bi-hourly check-ins. But it’s normal, right? He’s in a competitive degree, you tried to reason to your friends. Your friends didn’t understand, you’d say – reasoning that all your friends in relationships had partners in the same degree. 

“We can still have our anniversary dinner?” You offered, the two of you having used Mark’s connections with a legacy student to get into a fancy dining area nearby the university. “Our reservation is at 9.” 

“Aish,” He said to no one in particular. “I’m worried something might become delayed.” 

You pouted, knowing that he has said that he can’t resist your pleading look. “Please. It’s our anniversary.” The two of you haven’t been on too many dates off the university campus or too far out; even as much as you wanted to take weekend trips to a nearby town called Exodus. 

He let out a smile; one so charming that you felt your heart thrill at the sight. You bit your lip to try and compress your smile. “Only for you.” He sighed, before chuckling and pressing his lips against yours once more. “But I got to get going now or else that dinner won’t happen.” 

For that brief second of his lips on yours, you felt golden once more. With that kiss that he ensured ended with a loud smack, he got up and threw on a set of sweatpants and a hoodie. You couldn’t help but stare; you were used to watching him leave, but you loved seeing his ambition as he talked about the day ahead of him. The sweatpants outfit on him when he’s in this state can vary; from feeling like a tux to full on lab gear. “I’m going to be meeting my advisor who’s going to be giving me feedback on my thesis, and then I’ll see a legacy family to try and get funding and then…” In all honesty, sometimes the words he speaks sound like complete gibberish to you or become so garbled together that you can’t even comprehend your plans. But you loved to see him happy, even if it meant never seeing him while the sun was up. 

It was a date night. Mark promised you he had cleared his schedule, making time only for you and just you. His exact words were ‘screw them’ and ‘I just want to spend time with my baby’. In completely honesty, you haven’t seen him for the last month. You’d message him in the morning, asking him when he was free, and he promised he was. Well, he’d be. Until five minutes before you left wherever you were to meet him. 

You only would see him walking past him in the halls, to which he hardly notices your presence. 

How tragic it is that the person you swore you loved more than anything walks past you like another stranger. 

The plan was to go for a dinner; somewhere not too fancy, but fancy enough to make you feel comfortable to get dressed up. But minutes before you grabbed your card to get on the bus back to the city (rather than the usual dining you’d eat in the college town), you heard the noise that used to bring you so much joy. Mark’s ringtone. It was a short tune of him singing; something you begged him to make once you found out he could sing. 

Usually, your heart soars hearing the noise. But since your second anniversary, the notification made you feel anxiety for what you’re going to hear. 

And unfortunately, your anxieties reigned true. Your plans were cancelled. 

You couldn’t stop staring at your phone. The disappointment bubbled through your stomach as the printed words seemed to jump off the screen; screaming at you, taunting you, haunting you. 

From loverboy: happy anniversary!!! x

 From loverboy: oh shit, dude, my love – I’m so sorry I can’t come tonight

From loverboy: I think I got the funding, I just have to talk to the head of the club

From loverboy: I’m so sorry. Raincheck? 

In all honesty, you were grateful that your boyfriend wasn’t in charge of the weather – or else there’d be storms every day. Especially for the last year. These same very words yelling at you through the screen have been repeating itself like Mark’s strict coffee routine every day for what felt like an eternity. 

But you didn’t want to be alone tonight, nor did you have to. Luckily, the plans were to go to the club with you. So, you texted your friends. 

To: Nayeon, Tzuyu, Jihyo, Momo, Mina, Jeongyeon, Dahyun, Chaeyong, Sana: ONCE club tonight? 

Within minutes, they all responded. 

From Jihyo: Pre-drinks at ours! 

You were grateful that most of them graduated last year. Five of the nine of them live outside in their own place, close to the clubs rather than the college city you live in. You met them on your very first day at university; five of them being your tour guides and peer mentors while the four were your fellow tour visitors. You were blessed you all became closer; from Nayeon’s free coffee to Jihyo’s free advice. 

But you didn’t expect that the minute you get to theirs that you’d be getting a lecture. 

“If he loved you and really appreciated you, he’d prioritize you first.” Momo argued, upset at seeing one of her close friends constantly being ditched at last minute. “Has he ever put you above his work?” 

You tried to defend him; you really did. But all you could think of was your second anniversary, but the most he did was leave earlier so he could come home earlier. “I don’t think he loves you as much as you love him.” Jeongyeon sighed sadly. 

“I did warn you he was stuck on routines.” Nayeon whispered under her breath, earning a strong slap from Jihyo. 

Mina approached you, placing her hand against your back; soothing her gently. “He might love you as much as you love him, but you deserve the love you give. And you give so much.” She started braiding your hair. “And love is free. You don’t expect anything from love except mutual love and respect. You shouldn’t feel worried he’d cancel, or leave you, or that you’ll go days without talking. You shouldn’t be giving more than you deserve.” 

Chaeyoung spoke up, “And the moment you accept receiving less is the moment you start seeing yourself as less.” 

“Do an experiment.” Nayeon followed, before devising her plan. You promised her you’ll do it later, but tonight – you’ll go out and have drinks and have fun. And little did you know, Mark didn’t text you once; not to check if you got home safe (like you do even when he comes home from the library). The only text you got in the morning was a message from your friends, reminding you to take an advil to cure your hangover.  

Summer is just around the corner. You cannot lie behind fake smiles and short texts anymore. This summer, you wanted to spend time with people you love; before the shittiness of final year hits you. And when you even think of Mark, you now think of all the times he didn’t show and all the love you truly deserved. 

You were always there for him. The moment he called, you came running; even if he just needed you to pick up a cup of coffee after time slipped through his fingers for the millionth time. You ran an experiment the last week in which you found that you were always the one to sent the sweet texts, to start the fluffy exchanges while he only sent messages to express his busy schedule and if he needed anything. 

So, the other day, you asked if you could come by to his dorm. He spent the last month enthusing about how his course mates asked him to live with them. You knew his life was currently in boxes; the thousands of files he had built up over the year in an orderly file while his photos and personal objects were thrown in randomly. In fact, you even brought your extra packing tape; the remnants of your packing supplies to move in with Tzuyu off campus. 

After maybe twenty messages to him – begging to come over, he finally made time for you. Your final walk to his room broke your heart with every step; the sound of your sneakers echoing off the walls. Part of you will miss the study dates, waking up together, and honestly – how on time you were while dating him. You would miss his charm and his laugh, the way he smiled when he got the answer right, and his eyes lighting up as he spoke about his passions. You didn’t want to lose the butterflies you felt when you fell even more in love with Mark as his voice picked up a pitch and he basically rapped out his passions. 

But as you fell more in love, Mark fell more distant. Because he thought he had you forever. He thought you were his stepping stone to marriage, to achieving the perfect line he dreamed of, to obtaining that marker of success. 

You knocked the special knock; a knock you don’t think you’d ever want to remember again. Mark immediately opened the door, and as soon as he saw your face; he started enthusing over his summer internship. It was with a heavy heart you stopped him. 

“Mark,” You almost croaked out. You were even more unsure of your voice than the day you first met him. “You know I love you.” 

His jaw dropped. He knew what was going to happen. But he didn’t cry. 

While you were almost in tears, “But we can’t work.” 

Mark felt his heart break. Instead of planning for another future where he’d be married with someone else, he only thought of you. He didn’t get many rejections throughout life but whenever he did, he thought of what step he could take to meet his end goal. But when he met you, he swore you were the one  - but you did not want to be a piece of his plan that was riddled with the fine print of being put second to everything else. You didn’t want a relationship with terms and conditions. 

He fell in love with you. More than he could admit. And he took you granted. 

So you left. With all your stuff packed into suitcases and tears staining your cheeks, Mark stood alone. And he’s standing in the room; feeling emptier and more lost than he ever had, even with the funding he hoped for and the internship he dreamed of. And needless to say, the golden boy was golden no more. 

Ambition is always praised; it’s what keeps people going when they have a hard time standing, it’s what makes the world a better place. In fact, ambition was even considered a characteristic ideal for a partner. Hell, it’s one of the things you loved the most about him. Simultaneously, those blinded by ambition will only see the path they laid out for them – refusing to take side roads or even slow down to discover hidden gems on their way.

And Mark Lee – he knew he wanted success and opportunities, and he was so blinded by the destination he planned. Nothing in his life had changed that perspective, nothing in his life had made his stray from his planned path.  

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synopsis: Because of the rivalry between yours and Taeil’s family, you are forbidden from seeing him. But don’t they say that love is sweeter when it is forbidden? 

author @127-mile

genre(s): angst, fluff, forbidden love

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synopsis: His love was spring, but your world - full of legacies to fulfill and obligations to follow - was an eternal winter. 

author @mxrcayong

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author @mxrcayong

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synopsis: Mark Lee grew up with strong ambition. He had his whole life planned out at age 10. However, his cookie-cutter of a plan cut out more than he expected.  

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