Mush

Happy National Coming Out Day

Whenever zoo’s tried to put lions and tigers in the same enclosures, the tiger would eventually try to groom the lioness and play constantly. The lioness would lose patience and snaps at them

So basically what I’m saying is that you have a regal and refined gf who stands at the edge of a balcony during parties, sipping champagne

More #ExtinctionRebellion art. What is the lengths humanity will go to destroy and protect nature?

HD files and art video on Patreon.com/Yuumei

Father:

Dreams die; feelings are

worth nothing, You cry too much

Never good enough

Grandmother:

Always loved Den more

Grandma’s words are slow poison

Gossip burned bridges

Lauren/Stephanie/Stacey:

They had to get rough,

bruises on my arms and heart

I absorbed it all

—————————————-

DAMMIT…

I had to face all this pain again.. and how it has affected my life.  This is how my self-esteem was drained from me.  My confidence so low.. but I pretended everything was okay, that I was strong enough to take it.  I just let people push me around.  Tell me who I am and who I’m not.  I just used to let people hurt me.  When I was ten, my best friend Lauren kicked me without holding back- threatening me to “spill” some secret that had nothing to do with me.  When I was fourteen, Stephanie dragged me by the hair around school, taking me as hostage after Denise played a silly prank.  For almost all of high school, my friend Stacey would verbally abuse me, punch my arms, and stomp on my feet.  Haha, I sure know how to pick them, right?  Maybe I thought that was the best I could do.. 

I learned at an early age that I was the only one who could protect myself.  At least I’d protect them from my heart.  But protecting myself physically, that was harder.  I absorbed it all like a sponge, taking all the hits.  And would go home, close the door, and cry helplessly.  Because I learned that no one was going to stand up for me.  I’d learn to swallow it, stuff it further down, and laugh it off.  I believed I wasn’t worth protecting.  I thought no one cared enough to do or say anything. 

I didn’t think I was worth it. 

I decided: To be loved, I had to be needed.  I had to be useful to others.  I would be the first to offer a hand.  I would be the one to say “Yes” to almost anything. 

It’s been a while.  I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you. I’m done trying to deal with this on my own. Because whatever I’m trying isn’t working.  It’s just making it worse. 

My hands are open.  I’m trying to hear You but I’m having some trouble. If need be, please turn my heart over and blow off whatever has festered there.  The gunk that has stubbornly clung to it.  I’m done scuffing myself up.  Let’s try it Your way. 

Who am I in Your eyes?  Who do You say I am? I desperately need to know because.. what I’ve known about myself is peeling off.  I feel awkward and vulnerable.  Where do I go from here?  Wish I had a place I could really belong to.  Where I could feel known. Resuscitate me. Breathe into me. Pull me back on my feet. Pull me forward and out of this spiraling tunnel I’ve dug myself in.

——————–  

I long to have someone gaze into my eyes and tell me they love me.  Not that romantic, cheesy stuff.  Rather, someone who searches my eyes and knows me - REALLY knows me- and tells me I’m beautiful.  Someone who’ll sit with me outside and watch the stars.  And we’ll talk about anything. Or not talk at all.  Someone who’ll burst in excitement when they see me and hug me without hesitation. Someone who’ll run with me along the beach, kicking up foam as we pound our feet against the shore.  Someone who’ll join me singing at the top of my lungs.  Someone who can make me laugh so hard I can’t breathe.  

Uh, I swear this isn’t about me wanting a romantic relationship.  I’m totally okay with not having one atm.  But I’d love to meet someone like this^^^^^ 

A few months ago, I had this image of myself striding into the presence of God. We were in this giant white throne room, and He sat in his chair.   I marched up, keeping a great distance from Him. “Here!  I don’t want this anymore!” I rip my heart from my chest and cast it hard to the floor. It makes a nasty, squishing sound as it hits the marble. Some blood splatters the floor but I don’t care. There are deep cuts in it, it’s bruised, and the heartbeat is slow and fading. Glaring up at him, I start yelling at him with rage, pointing. “I’m done.  I’ve had enough.   If this is what it’s like to love then I don’t need this.” I can’t even look down at it. “Take it back.” For a moment there is silence as I try to catch my breath, hot tears stinging my eyes. My hands ball into fists. I meant it.  All it does is cause me pain. It doesn’t feel worth it. Maybe I’m not the one he should be entrusting this to. I’d rather feel nothing than hurt like this. He quickly gets from the chair and approaches my heart. In disbelief, I watch him pick it up with utmost care and hold it close to his own heart. Like it’s something precious to him.   Like it’s something worth protecting. What are you trying to say to me? I don’t understand.

*First thing tho: I highly encourage you guys to try freehand journaling- whatever just comes to mind, write it down without caring about grammar and spelling. *

Father, the waiting is hard.  Almost too hard. What am I even waiting for? I have no idea of Your plans for my life.  I just wish You would be more clear with what You want from me.  I feel like I’ve already given You so much.  So much of me and what I’ve called precious.  Yet You feel so unrelenting…I thought this was a trade- what I gave You cannot be returned and that scares me.  Because I’m scared of slipping and losing who I was.  I will lose who I am.  I will become nothing in my own eyes.  And that terrifies me.