Ugh. I thought this is what I wanted a year ago, but I realized that wasn't true when I couldn't do it to you after unhooking our calendars. Because I care about you too much, even if it felt unsafe having you have access to my calendar. Even if my therapist has encouraged me to block you on everything. I don't want you gone, I just want it to not hurt so much every time I see your screen name/s or face. Or tear me to shreds every time you send a * hug * etc.
I couldn't figure out a way to feel safe opening up to you again, based on our history. Then, when I did figure it out (because when my mom pulled her shit, all I wanted was to talk to you, be held and comforted by you, and then I'd get angry at myself for those feelings) I knew you wouldn't want to hear it, and you definitely wouldn't want to ever make that choice, especially just to be able to be my friend. And I didn't want to be the one bringing it up. Especially when it felt like you didn't even want to hear what I had to say when we were partners-- why would you want to hear any of it now? And I was afraid it'd piss you off so much, you'd block me on everything. But I purposefully left the door open for a real conversation back in October, then again at Thanksgiving before dealing with a house full of norovirus. I just... I really thought we were finally to a point where we could eventually talk about how to be able to have a better relationship since it's obviously been very strained over the last couple of years.
But I guess since you went ahead and pulled the plug without a conversation (again) I don't really have anything left to lose when I say if you want to be a real part of my life in any capacity, you need to pursue and dedicate to seeking sobriety. Your alcohol abuse affects every relationship you have, every part of your life. It destroyed any chance we had at being happy together. It was so hard to sit back and watch your other partners enable it because it benefitted them, even when it endangered your life after your surgery. But I knew I couldn't bring it up without you either flying off the handle at me, shutting down/switching on me, or just dumping me on the spot. Sure, I could have been braver, but literally as soon as you started drinking again, your personality took that same turn for the worst I'd observed in the past.
Anyway, it's obvious that you don't want to have anything to do with me. I'm sorry I've put off saying "I'd like to have you in my life, but only if you're committed to being sober; but I also don't even know how to trust you to stay sober unless I'm around you all the time; but also everything in me wants to talk to you, believe the things you say, trust you; but I need some sort of apology and commitment to change; and I don't know what to even do or say about any of that." I've read enough about alcohol induced psychosis being a huge issue with Wellbutrin-- on top of how it messes up neurodivergent brain chemistry for months from even light to moderate use-- to not trust even occasional drinking, especially after experiencing the shitty end of that so many times.
It's true that I've only looked at your Tumblr twice in the last 2 years. And none of your other socials, besides accidentally seeing you bubbling about your new partner within a day of you officially dumping me. Because it hurts. So I've been a shitty friend. But I've been trying these last months to get to where I can again. To talk to you as normally as I can. But when you're always asking how I'm doing or saying you hope I'm doing well-- and I'm not, but I know you don't want to hear it. My life has been fucking misery dealing with all of the issues long covid has raised for me, including a deep and lingering depression from the brain damage, coupled with the depression of watching my life and health waste away and losing most of the rest of my close relationships. I've been trying psych med combo after psych med combo to try to help, with very little affects unless it's a negative reaction. Until a couple of weeks ago, I was overmedicated for 6 months so that I didn't care about anything at all-- no big emotions, no crying over random shit, nothing. The replacement for that secondary medicine caused a severe negative reaction and I almost had to be hospitalized last week on top of handling norovirus, pink eye, and lice since Thanksgiving. And now my body is recovering for a couple of weeks until we try another med.
You need to do whatever you need to do for your own mental health. I think it'd benefit greatly from sobriety, but that's your choice to make. If this is how you want it, that's fine. Maybe in a few years, you'll feel differently and be able to look me up. I want you to be happy and healthy. And I'd prefer to be a part of that. I miss you so much (I've tried everything not to, but it still hasn't gone away.) And I still feel when you reach out-- even that stupid drunk message about a gift you wanted to get me, when I woke up on the couch and went upstairs to bed that Friday, I felt like you were in my room waiting for me and couldn't shake it. At the end of May?? It was all-encompassing for days and days, then I gave in and looked at your Tumblr a couple of weeks later and saw your post. (If you'd asked me to meet for coffee, I would have.) And there's been many other times, of course. Hell, I even felt when you blocked first my IG, then my FB. I knew what had happened before I even checked. (Which all makes me feel a bit crazy, but whatever.)
You know where to find me if you want to, I guess. I hope life treats you well in the meantime. I don't want to argue about any of the things I said, I just want you to consider my input for a while and figure out if you want to bother even talking to me, because I really don't want to talk to you unless you've been sober for at least a few months first and really have made a commitment to stay sober. I love you, I miss you, but I can't let you keep hurting me, and I can't trust you while you are actively engaging in alcoholism.
