i hope you're happy

aries: eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs

taurus: here's an on fire garbage can... could be a nursery

gemini: "you have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair," you know, how you talk to a child

cancer: marijuana is legal in 18 or 19 states. it's insane. don't whoo if you're white. it's always been legal for us, come on sir

leo: i know you told me, but i have had a very long day, i am very small, and i have no money, so you can imagine the stress im under

virgo: "oh we have to go!! we have to go see bill!" and without looking up at her my dad goes, "why? it's not like he's gonna remember you."

libra: so my dad pulled up to the drive thru window and ordered a black coffee. the one thing no kid can every enjoy

scorpio: anyone who's seen my dick and met my parents needs to die

sagittarius: bill clinton turns, looks at my mom and says, "hey ellen!" cause he never forgets a bitch ever

capricorn: we bought a house that was built in the 20s but it was flipped in 2014, which means it's haunted but it has a lovely kitchen backsplash

aquarius: we were at lion king on broadway and there was a five year old behind us going, "look it's pumbaa! look its timon!" and my dad turned around and said, "are you going to talk the entire time?"