muckraker

JBIJ’S MONTHLY RANKING ( PG. 1 )

this month’s ranking includes jacob ben israel ii’s favorite establishments based on wedding attire for the puckerman-remington union…paired with commentary.

LINK  -  self appointed flower boy @lincolnonline​​ pulled out all the stops with his outfit to the wedding. dare i say more heads turned his way than to the bride? we LOVE a shit stirrer! 

IVY -  nepotism is treating @ivystjamess well! while i’m not convinced she can pull off the whole pastel thing yet, she sure did look good as she chased julien schuester out of the venue in distress! 

NOAH - noah didn’t stand out in her bridesmaids dress in the slightest, but @puckermanoah certainly proved that she could be the hot sister after changing into a little red ensemble for the reception! one question noah, where’d you get the money for a dress like that?

ELI - not sure if @eli-stjames got the memo that this was a wedding, not a funeral, but one of lima’s ex-grungiest looked absolutely stunning in black this evening. eli undoubtedly shattered the hearts of het men all over that reception!

JOEY - men typically don’t dress well and @dumbofassjoey further proved most men will go with a regular suit and call it a night. however, in comparison to his other, plain, peers, he wore it the best. 

COVER STORY ( PG. 3 )

arguably the best ( or worst ) spot you want to end up on if you ever receive the HONOR of being in the muckraker. this is THE juiciest story jbi jr. could get his hands on and he promises to deliver it with integrity to his devoted readers.

                  NEW WWE VENUE ANNOUNCED: THE LIMA BEAN!

like most people who hail from lima, you’re stuck in that godforsaken mass text finn schuester created in high school. if you were fortunate enough to actually unmute it and check, you were able to see the events leading up to the smackdown of the century between @zoepuckerman and @ljholliday. word on the street is lj is obsessed with zoe, her ex-boyfriend, and her friends. it got so bad lj took sterling duval to visit her sneaky link, THEO BEISTE. additionally, lj was so obsessed, she banned, eli, zoe, and most hot people from the party she threw with sterling. zoe, in a very rationally way, defied that order and attended the party anyhow. within five minutes of walking in the door, she reminded partygoers just who she is by physically handing lj her ass. here in lima, we appreciate a fight, love a good girl fight, and adore zoe puckerman even more when she’s punching weirdos! lj tried to fight back, but, meh. i once again commend zoe for acting in honorable fashion, and condem lj for being a stalker. if anyone has a video of the fight, please email it to [email protected], we’d love to post it! 

MORE HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEARTS SPLIT, JOEY MOVES ON RAPIDLY!

earlier this month, one of few gay couples to make it out of that godforsaken town called it quits! eyes and ears have given little confirmation as to why @angel-alexanderr and @dumbofassjoey went their separate ways. as intriguing as that is, the juiciness of the story doesn’t end there though. apparently joey bounces back just as quick as he throws his ass back, because sources say he’s got himself a little nyc rat. @ziggilbert is a bartender and nyu student. talk about a mysterious hottie! the two were spotted together at callbacks and while we at the muckraker can’t say we’re wishing them the best just yet, we can say that we appreciate their ability to be messy. and to dearest angel, don’t cry too hard, what did you think was going to happen after you and “hoey” hummel-anderson broke up? 

RUMOR MILL ( PG. 5 )

it’s common knowledge the muckraker operates under the assumption that if something is said it MUST be true, but in the rumor mill jbi jr acknowledges the top EIGHT rumors that he’s heard going around in a few concise bullet points. because if he’s heard it, the student body should have to hear it too!

did you hear @phoenixharper​​ saved 7 kids from a burning building this weekend? i heard she started the fire because she’s an arsonist, but that was nice of her!

@meadowsbukowski is reportedly providing cannabutter with the breadstix she’s serving. all you have to do is ask for her number! 

rumor has it @samuelchangx hasn’t released any promotion for his new album because he’s still hung up on some hottie from lima. 

@heidianderson didn’t come home for the wedding, not because she wasn’t invited, but because she’s got a bun in the oven. 

another competitor in callbacks open mic night told us @frannyfeltera steals her jokes.

@rockyremington claims to have some hot new arm candy, but showed up single to the wedding. what’s wrong, rocky? does she go to another school?

sources close to @kadenfabray say he’s been replaced by a clone!

@sterlingduval is finally going to do something with her life by starting up her own company of sex toys that she’s calling daddy issues!​

[Joey and Julien’s dorm room]

JOEY: Hello everyone and welcome back to Fondue for Two: New York Edition! Today we’re here with my friend and classmate Steph Crawford and my roommate Julien Schuester! I really had no idea who to ask as a guest and since Julien is always around and I just came back from practice with Steph, they seemed like good choices. Are you guys excited to be on Fondue for Two?

STEPH: Yeah! [...] What is...Fondue for Two?

JOEY: [looks at the camera for a while before looking back at Steph] Is that a real question?

JULIEN: [whispering to Steph] it's like...his talk show thingy on youtube. He did it with his pet fish all through high school [flashes a smile at the camera and gives a thumbs up].

STEPH: [nodding] No, no! I was just joking! [follows suit, also flashing the camera a thumbs up] So, what next?

JOEY:  Okay, that wasn't funny, sorry to tell you... You should work on your jokes... But moving on. Steph, since you have lived in New York for so long, is it true that there are clones of us living in the subway like that really old movie?

JULIEN: What movie? Sounds awesome! [A beat] Sorry, carry on...

STEPH: Oh, it's okay, seriously! I don't know what movie you're talking about, but I don't think there's clones of us living in the subway. Can't say for sure. Isn't it a fact that everyone has like seven dopplegangers though? Who would you guys say your dopplegangers are?

JOEY: The movie is called Us! I watched it the other day with Angel and it was kind of weird... JOEY: What's a doppleganger? Aren't those a type of jeans? Because I think I own more than seven pairs of jeans.

JULIEN: Ohhhhhhhh that movie! It's kinda scary right? I'm not a big fan of scary movies...but to answer Steph's question...I've been told I look like a young Andrew Garfield. Also my brother and stuff but I don't know if that counts...I'll let the viewers decide.

STEPH: I can definitely see Andrew Garfield! I think it's the hair... [looks at Joey] but If we got him glasses, he'd really be the spitting image of Spider-Man, don't you think?

JOEY: I don't know, I don't think Julien looks like him... But I'll let the audience decide! I'll put on some pictures on the screen. [shows a picture of Garfield the Cat and Julien side by side] JOEY: Next question, if you had to bring a celebrity back from the dead, who would it be?

JULIEN: Okay...wait for it...check this out! [Julien grabs his glasses off his nightstand and puts them on] what do we think?! [A beat] But to answer your next question...easy! Marvin Gaye. I seriously love that guy. He made amazing music.

STEPH: Marvin Gaye, really? That's a good one! I think mine would have to be maybe like...Judy Garland? I love Wizard of Oz! . . . What about you Joey?

JOEY: Julien, you still look nothing like him... JOEY: I have no idea who those people are, but... I'd bring back Mr. Peanut. Just because I love peanut butter and I feel like he used to make the best... JOEY: Okay, next question! Which one of you is more likely to break a leg during dance class?

JULIEN: Another easy q. Definitely me.

STEPH: Am I allowed to say something not super nice on here?

JOEY: Yes, you are.

JULIEN: [looks at Steph in shock] what?! You don't know how to say not nice things you're like the nicest person ever!

JOEY: Julien, shhhh.

STEPH: You're really too sweet, Julien. . .I just wanted to ask! But I don't think it would be Julien! Effort is everything in dance, and there's just...[she thinks] some people in Dance Class who don't care, and won't stretch, and might get hurt because of it! It's really scare and I wish it wasn't the case, but I don't think it would be any of us. . .Julien obviously really cares! Same with you Joey!

JULIEN: Can't believe that's your version of not nice. Shoulda known!

STEPH: [rolls her eyes] I shouldn't have even said that! But I had to defend you...from you!

JULIEN: I still stand by what I said...between the two of us...I'd probably break my leg. You're a much better dancer than I am and stuff! But anyways...Jojo what's next?!

JOEY: I also think Julien would break a leg during the class... But he has gotten better since high school, that's true. I'm still better, but you know... [shrugs his shoulders] Next question, don't you guys think it's weird that you two spent Spring Break together? [looks at the camera, then back at the two of them]

STEPH: Um...[laughs, obviously uncomfortable, but doesn't answer the question.]

JULIEN: [Squinting] why would it be weird? There were a bunch of us! Dylan was there and Steph's sister and some of their other friends! It was cool and stuff.

STEPH: Yeah exactly! There were lots of people at the Beach House! My roommate was there. It wasn't just us! STEPH: I invited you and Angel, even! STEPH: But yeah, what Julien said.

JULIEN: And even if it had been just us, it wouldn't have been weird because we're friends! Everyone and their mom knows I'm accounted for. [Looks at the camera and waves] Hi legs! I love ya!

STEPH: Yep!

JOEY: Well, it was still kind of weird if you ask me... And why didn't you answer first, Steph? JOEY: Plus how do I know that you guys were all there together? I didn't see a group picture or anything! I'm just saying!

JULIEN: Joey, what are you doing, man?

JOEY: I'm just asking questions!

JULIEN: Well...ask better questions! I don't know what you're trying to suggest and stuff but as a friend I don't really appreciate it! JULIEN: You're starting to sound like JBI...

JOEY: Okay, fine! JOEY: [gasp] Take that back!

JULIEN: [Raising hands] No can do, brother!

JOEY: Moving on! You're never coming back to Fondue for Two after that... JOEY: Next question, where do you guys think the Big Apple is?

STEPH: Wait, who's JBI?

JULIEN: Trust me, you don't wanna know. Also...I have no idea about the big apple...why do they call New York that?

JOEY: He was from our school back in Lima! And he was weird... JOEY: I have no idea, because I haven't seen any big apples lately.

STEPH: I think it has something to do with taking the bite out of the city maybe? I don't know, but I don't think it's actually an apple. STEPH: Thanks for changing the topic though, Joey!

JOEY: Who would take a bite out of the city? Sounds gross... JOEY: Yeah, yeah, it's fine, I guess! JOEY: Okay, Julien, next question is for you... Do you think Gil the Fish would have liked Steph?

JULIEN: I think so! Everybody loves Steph!

STEPH: Aw, I wish I could have met him! STEPH: Wait, okay, can I ask the host another question? STEPH: It's important!

JOEY: Yes!

STEPH: If you could receive any gift right now, what would it be?

JOEY: That's a good question! I have no idea though, I like it when people surprise me! JOEY: But if I had to choose, I'd like to meet Dua Lipa... She's awesome.

JULIEN: No way that’s gonna happen...

JOEY: You never know! Shut up Julien! I'm mad at you...

JULIEN: I’m the one who should be mad at you!

STEPH: Guys, guys, don't fight! We should just be nice! We're all friends!

JOEY: Fine, whatever! Time to move on, what do you guys most like about NYADA?

JULIEN: The people! It’s also cool to be at a school where you don’t get a slushie facial for being into art and stuff...

STEPH: Okay don't laugh... STEPH: I really like how the building smells? STEPH: But also Adam's Apples! It's cool to be close to my Dad in that way.

JOEY: What does it smell like?

STEPH: You don't notice the smell?

JULIEN: I know what ya mean! It's comforting! Also shout out to Adam's Apples!

JOEY: Not really... But either way, I'm glad that you guys like Adam's Apples! JOEY: Before we end it off, do you guys want to say anything to the audience?

STEPH: Nope! Just thanks for having me! And Hi to everyone watching!

JULIEN: Hi mom and dad! Miss you guys! That’s all for me I think!

JOEY: Alright! I'll see you guys some other time and thanks everyone for watching! Bye!

JBIJ’S MONTHLY RANKING ( PG. 1 )

this month’s ranking includes jacob ben israel ii’s favorite establishments based on how hot the staff is. . .paired with commentary.

SARDI’S - are you joking? the sardi’s staff is a wet dream for anyone who is attracted to men. with a staff consisting of @michaelchangiii​ and @dallasweston​ it makes the mediocre food and dated atmosphere worth it. sardi’s isn’t worth all the esteem in my opinion, it’s worth going to gawk at the boys.

ACE OF SPADES - admittedly, if girls did it for me, ace of spades would absolutely be number one. @zoepuckerman​ and @eli-stjames​ are fucking hot, but you’ve been living under a rock if you didn’t know that. i highly recommend a trip to ace of spades for a night of fun and good looking staff members. 

SPOTLIGHT DINER- the food is cold, the vocals are hot, and the uniforms are hotter! spotlight diner is definitely a novelty establishment, but if you can overlook that, a staff comprised of @stephcrawford , @dumbofassjoey , @angel-alexanderr , @julienschuester​ , and @thechoirroomaurora​ makes a visit worth it!

HARD ROCK CAFE- while @frankiepucker​ and @tracehummelanderson​ don't typically do it for me, something about this duo working at hard rock, but it’s not as breath taking or hard rocking as prior establishments.

CALLBACKS-  karaoke bars are really not hot, so despite the smoldering good looks of @ottomeeks​, @kadenfabray​ , and @malcolm-rose​ have, there’s only so much they can do for the place.

BREADSTIX- not hot? still working at lima! breadstix is nasty and @camevanss​ , @bentleylynn​ , and @ophiemeeks​ should be ashamed to still work at that place.

COVER STORY ( PG. 3 )

arguably the best ( or worst ) spot you want to end up on if you ever receive the HONOR of being in the muckraker. this is THE juiciest story jbi jr. could get his hands on and he promises to deliver it with integrity to his devoted readers.

                                     THOE CALLS IT QUITS! 

only two percent of high school relationships end in marriage, but i think i speak for all of us lima natives when i say that we were expecting our own prom king and queen @theobeiste​ and @zoepuckerman​ to be among that boring two percent, but it turns out over spring break they called it quits! I personally texted both Theo and Zoe for a quote for this article, but they both declined to answer, so, I’ll share with the public what I know. It seems that Theo’s already been spotted with another blonde. It’s hard to tell if he started hooking up with this hussy prior to the break up, but knowing what all educated people in society know, (Men Aren’t Shit.) It’s likely that Theo did in fact cheat. While it will be sad to see this seemingly perfect pair part ways, I for one am certainly looking forward to  reporting their future romantic endeavors and tearing apart the other women Theo thinks even dare compare to Zoe. Anyhow, I wish Zoe Puckerman a fantastic April and hope she glows moving forward. Theo Beiste? Choke!  I encourage my faithful readers to either send Theo a strongly worded letter, or show up to give him a piece of their minds at Archer House, 2130 Neil Avenue, 107A Columbus, OH 43210. Best of luck!

MAFIA MONEY RUNS OUT: CANDY BROKE & SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR!

this week sources reported to me that @candymotta​ is dead broke! my sources told me that after disappearing to LA for a near two years, candy resurfaced in new york, begging former classmate otto meeks to stay at her apartment. apparently, al motta’s company, “motta’s pianos” was unveiled as a money laundering scheme last weekend. motta is currently in custody, his accounts are frozen, and seeing as candy and her mother have never worked a day in their lives, they’re dirt poor! it will be interesting to see if candy attempts to get a job, but more entertaining than picturing candy earning minimum wage like the rest of us, is imagining how many jobs she’s going to get fired from within 48 hours. next time i see an elmo working and times square, i’ll be sure to take it’s fake head off to check and see if candy motta is beneath it or not. welcome to the workforce candace, you can put me down as a reference on your applications if you want!

RUMOR MILL ( PG. 5 )

it’s common knowledge the muckraker operates under the assumption that if something is said it MUST be true, but in the rumor mill jbi jr acknowledges the top EIGHT rumors that he’s heard going around in a few concise bullet points. because if he’s heard it, the student body should have to hear it too!

osu sources report that @jordancohen, distraught due to his break up, led campus police on a high speed chase after he stole the head to beloved mascot uniform of brutus buckeye!

@logankmccarthy has christ like powers? despite his arrogant attitude, osu sources say that logan has a near supernatural ability to win at beer pong. one student went as far to say that he saw logan turn water into vodka at a party last weekend. 

@dallasweston is reportedly under fire for snorting coke while on air at wnyu-fm last week. surely his parents can pay his way out of trouble?

rumor has it @mayaacrawford​ is long last royalty. one of her neighbors reported that she’s currently in something reminiscent of disney’s princess protection program makes sense why she’s so rich, beautiful, and bossy!

@carterjuly was spotted getting into a fist fight outside of ace of spades, and now has an ugly ass fat lip that makes him look way less fuckable.

sources say that @graham-sd‘s next big project is actually going to be excavating the lost city of atlantis, and turning it into a skate park for his company.

nice girl not so nice? an informant who purchased a drink from the osu starbucks while @sloaneporter was working said she spit in the drink, and charged double because the informant interrupted her in the midst of working her second job at a sex hotline.

@stephcrawford​ unknowingly confided in an informant that she’s haunted by the spirit of jim henson? is she off her rocker, or is that an explanation for her being so nice?

JBIJ’S MONTHLY RANKING ( pg. 1 )

this month’s ranking includes jacob ben israel ii’s favorite candyland dates paired with commentary.

vanessa santos and her alcohol problem - sources say that @santosnessa​ spent her candyland getting wasted in the breadstix bathroom! lima’s resident party girl reportedly rigged the tampon machine to dispense shooters. if it weren’t a little sad how she seems to only get drunk these days, i’d commend her.

narcissism and candy motta - if @candymotta​ opening up her birthday bash / love fest wasn’t a highlight of your night, i have to ask, are your ears working? as iconic as the number was, it does shed light on the reality of miss motta’s very real narcissism problem. regardless, they made a cute couple.

michael chang and otto meeks- yawn yawn yawn, i am tired of these predictable hets! @michaelchangiii​ and @ottomeeks​ attended candyland together, but aside from being painfully straight, they were at least entertaining in the regard that they are entirely ill matched for one another.

lemon lopez-pierce and kaden fabray- normally, @lemonlopez​ is the definition of a snooze fest, but for once she’s done something that’s piqued my interest. sources say miss lopez-pierce and @kadenfabray​ hooked up in the bathroom at dylan’s party and that they secretly went to candyland together. the happy couple is currently trying to keep things on the dl, so my apologies!

chad surrette and being hot-  not really sure what @chadwarbler​ was doing bringing his ex to candyland, but he clawed his way onto this list just because he looked so damn hot while doing it!

COVER STORY ( pg. 3 )

arguably the best ( or worst ) spot you want to end up on if you ever receive the honor of being in the muckraker. this is the juiciest story jbi jr. could get his hands on and he promises to deliver it with integrity to his devoted readers.

                                    LIMA’S MOST ELIGIBLE!

it is a shock to none, that in a town like lima, ohio there is an abundance of singles. from psychotic jocks to pathetic pick me girls, pickings are slim. fortunately, among those sad sacks, there are a few that emerge as worthy of actually dating. in this month of love, i have carefully evaluated each and every single in the lima area and selected one guy and one girl to watch. although @sterlingduval might be seen as damaged goods to some, i find her to be an excellent candidate for a relationship. once you get past the brooding man meat that is rocky remington, i think sterling duval is totally tappable. her hair is gorgeous and she has a sense of adventure that isn’t unrealistic like most other lima losers. for these reasons, gentleman, come get your slice of sterling pie while she’s still hot! for the guys, i’ve selected @samuelchangx​ as lima’s most eligible bachelor. he’s got a voice to die for, and plenty of quirks to keep the relationship interesting. much like sterling, he has incredible hair, and i would be surprised if he’s on the market for much longer. that being said lima, if you can’t snag one of these hot items, i’m sure any of you could head down to 7/11 and get with that cashier dropout. if he’s not quite your speed, i heard that miranda from sheets and things is recently divorced! happy hunting to the singles of lima, don’t choose someone ugly.

RUMOR MILL ( pg. 5 )

it’s common knowledge the muckraker operates under the assumption that if something is said it must be true, but in the rumor mill jbi jr acknowledges the top eight rumors that he’s heard going around in a few concise bullet points. because if he’s heard it, the student body should have to hear it too!

uh oh! a reputable source has contacted the muckraker and reported that @bentleylynn​ and @malcolm-rose​ were missing from candyland because they were locking lips in a supply closet!

mommy dearest on the rise! @renzoadams​ was reportedly not only forced by his mother to do a nightmarish rendition of bump bump bump with the glee club, but also to audition for spring awakening. yikes!

an entire pack of used condoms was found outside of candyland. sources say the culprits are @rockyremington​ and @sterlingduval​ , who were seen leaving together.

this stage aint big enough for the both of you? rumor has it that @mollypearce​ and @ivystjamess​ have both filed lawsuits against bryan ryan for daring to double cast them. lawyer up, asshole!

stalker alert! turns out @dylanhart​ is taking a page out beyonce’s hit movie ‘obsessed’ and poor @camevanss​ doesn’t know how to cut her loose. godspeed! 

giddyup! bryan ryan is reportedly adding in a country number to spring awakening for @thecheeriosaurora​ to sing.

@winnieclarington​ spotted at lima’s very own sex dungeon which apparently exists underneath everyone’s second favorite restaurant, stews. rumor has it she was looking for a dom because the football team is no longer cutting it. good for her!

sources say @davisgools​ is really into method acting! beyond acting like more of a pretentious dick than normal, we advise that molly watch out for that scene!

[JOEY'S ROOM, SAME SET AS BEFORE]

JOEY: Hello everyone and welcome back to Fondue for Two! We're doing a Glee Club edition this month, which means that I will invite the captains of each glee club that actually matter around here... Today we have the captain of the Warblers, also known as my boyfriend, Xan Puckerman! And we have a very good friend of mine, Gigi Stone! She's not captain of the Canaries, but after the so called slushie incident, Aubrey won't talk to me... Either way, are you guys excited to be here?

XAN : Always excited to be in your bedroom, Joseph.

GIGI: Can we keep the flirting to a minimum today, boys? But yeah, I’m excited to be here. You clearly made the best decision by inviting the most talented Canary.

JOEY: Don't worry Gigi, we'll try. Okay, first question is for Xan... Is it true that everyone at Dalton is gay? Or is that a rumor that was created many years ago?

XAN : While I personally believe that everyone is at least a little gay. The number of out and proud homosexuals at Dalton Academy is lower than you might think. So yeah...definitely a rumor. Possibly a little bit of a problematic one while we're at it.(edited)

JOEY: Well... That's interesting to know. But I'm pretty sure that most people will still think that. Gigi, next question is for you! Do you have a date for Candyland? And if you do, who is it?

GIGI: Duh. Of course I do. I’m going with your brother, actually. Trace asked me the other day.

XAN : Love that for you two.

GIGI: He’s so cute, right? I’m excited.

JOEY:  He didn't tell me that! That's cute... Why did you say yes? You know what, that's not important... Since we're talking about Valentine's Day, the next question is for you two: if we weren't all going to Breadstix, what would your perfect Valentine's Day be like? JOEY: Let's stop talking about my brother...

XAN : honestly? i'm not a big holiday person. being born on a holiday kinda ruined all holidays for me i think. but for sake of not looking like an asshole on the internet, i'll say i would be doing something cute with my boyfriend

GIGI: That’s... cute. In a sad sort of way. My perfect Valentine’s Day is being pampered from start to finish. Flowers, jewelry, chocolate. The whole nine yards. GIGI: Trace, if you’re watching this.. Play your cards right and you might be promoted from bench warmer to MVP.

JOEY: 4th of July is a holiday? I thought people just liked to throw fireworks on that day because it's fun, I don't know... But all of those are good answers. Okay, next question, what is the hottest piece of gossip going on at your schools right now? And this is an important one.

XAN : i'm simply not a messy bitch so i have no clue.

JOEY: C'mon, there's gotta be something going on at Dalton!

GIGI: Margot’s dad like literally paid off our coach so she could have a solo at Regionals. Embarrassing, right? Couldn’t be me.

XAN: i will not tolerate Margot slander in my presence. XAN: she's my favorite canary.

JOEY: Wait, did she really do that? Who told you that? I need to know if this is real. Sorry Xanny!

GIGI: It’s literally all anyone can talk about at Crawford? Which is annoying because there’s a lot more interesting things to talk about, but regardless, let’s just say it’s not the first time it’s happened.

JOEY: You heard it here first, people! It won't be a problem though, since you guys lost either way... So sorry about that. But at least the Warblers won! Moving on, who do you guys think will win at Nationals?

XAN : i might be biased. but this is the most competitive warblers year of recent years. i think we could go all the way.

GIGI: Obviously Vocal Adrenaline. No offense to either of you. GIGI: Well, I guess that’ll only happen if they finally kick Giardi off the team.

XAN : i will say...i've heard some rumors about vocal adrenaline's regionals set and i'm a little....terrified for lack of a better word.

GIGI: Say more.

JOEY: Say more right now!

XAN : not to incriminate myself, but i produce rap tracks for this freshman in the warblers. In exchange, he keeps tabs on some of the other show choirs in ohio. let's just say....vocal adrenaline is tributing one of the best vocalists of all time. XAN : expect to cry if you have tickets this weekend.

JOEY: Dua Lipa?

XAN: Not Dua Lipa babes.

GIGI: Interesting. Thanks for the tip, Puckerman.

JOEY: Well, that's kind of scary then... But to answer my own question, I'm sure that the New Directions have a chance too, but we'll see... JOEY: Next question, while we're talking about the show choir world, am I the only one who thinks there's some sexual tension between Julien and Gooby?

XAN : who the hell is gooby?

JOEY: Davis!

XAN: I don't know. That guy gives off heavy asexual vibes to me. Like the definition of soulless automaton. I should know I shared a room with him on the ski trip.

GIGI: (laughs) Davis is the farthest thing from asexual. Soulless? You might be onto something there.

XAN: have you copulated with the enemy???

JOEY: Yeah, have you Gigi? Because that's kind of weird and I can only imagine having sex with Gooby is like sleeping next to a loud breather...

XAN: Or a very unsexy android

JOEY: Or even an emotionless Henry Cavill!

GIGI: Do you two seriously live under a rock? Davis and I have been on and off for the past year and a half or so.

XAN: i don't really pay attention to heterosexual mating patterns...

JOEY: Wait... I thought people from Vocal Adrenaline weren't supposed to sleep with people from other schools... Isn't that why Ivy broke up with Julien?

XAN: i thought Ivy broke up with Julien because he's a cabbage patch kid in a high schooler's body

GIGI: I don’t know why Ivy broke up with Julien, and quite frankly, I don’t care. And to answer your question, they can’t date people from opposing teams during competition season.

JOEY: (chuckles at Xan's comment) Xan, don't be mean! JOEY: Well, yeah, but... Haven't you guys been hooking up for the past year? How does that work?

GIGI: Next question. I didn’t come on here to talk about Davis.

XAN: You heard the lady, stinky.

JOEY: Fine... Who do you think is going to be the most shocking couple at Candyland?

GIGI: Some of these losers actually landing dates is shocking in itself, but I, for one, am interested to see who shows up with the belle of the ball.

XAN: i don’t know about shocking, but I watched Chad texting Bri while we were eating at breastix....and if those two end up back together it would be the LEAST shocking thing in recent history. XAN: actually no...the canaries losing with an all country set would be the least shocking thing in recent history

GIGI: Interesting jab from someone who sang songs from a children’s movie. All I have to say on that front is that the Canaries will never be singing another country song again. You can bet on it.

JOEY: Chad and Bri dated? I had no idea about that... JOEY: But I have to agree with Xan, it was kind of lame... And Trolls isn't a kids' movie! It's a movie for all ages! I love that movie... I'm kind of curious to see who Leo McCarthy is going with, I feel like I haven't seen him in a long time. JOEY: What do you mean about the Canaries though? I thought Aubrey was captain still...

GIGI: And I thought Ivy would never let Julien out of her clutches, but here we are.

XAN: (laughs) not clutches!

JOEY: Okay... Well, that's all the time we have! Before you go, you have to say one nice thing about Gil the Fish... I feel like we haven't been giving him enough attention lately. [points at his fish bowl]

GIGI: I think it’s SO sweet that you bought a fish that looks like Kenna Giardi.

XAN: gil don't listen to her she didn't mean that. you're much sexier than kenna giardi!

JOEY: And that's it! Thank you for being here and for everyone else, don't forget to tune in for Fondue for Two some other time! Bye!

JBIJ’S MONTHLY RANKING ( pg. 1 )

this month’s ranking includes the juiciest drama jacob ben israel ii’s was able to pull from the lima-wide ski trip to devil’s head in wisconsin. the list is comprised of jbij’s top 5 moments  paired with commentary.

boy on boy action! - after a rough start to the new year, @julienschuester can’t seem to catch a break! during the ski trip, sources say one ornery @austinelsons pummeled julien atop a ski slope saturday in the hottest boy fight since austin butt heads with theo! why they were fighting? who cares! all we know is julien is suddenly much harder with those bruises of his! the drama of it all is a quick number one spot.

nessa-curricular activities! - lima’s very own @santosnessa finally turned eighteen this saturday. miss queen of the weekend celebrated with an indoor pool bash worthy of an episode of gossip girl! yours truly was posted up at the door all night, highlights include @maxwellfabray winning never have i ever in a landslide because he’s a boring virgin, @lemonlopez finally doing something noteworthy by having her very own ‘i kissed a girl’ moment, and everyone taking a shot hereby naming sam evans dilf of the century.

truth or dare! - one @rubyzizes was sure to make sure the final night at devil’s head went off with a bang. these lima loser’s elected to skip the “winter wonderland” dance and head to the game room for some classic truth or dare! highlights of this event include: @ivystjamess getting a taste of her own medicine and having a video of her humiliated spread by the host herself across social media! @samuelchangx and @renzoadams adding fuel to the fire by planning a date. and perhaps a new couple alert? @riverwashington and @alexnelson were nowhere to be found, which means they were likely off in some filthy corner copulating! 

tennis on the slopes! - we’re being told that @samuelchangx allegedly “broke” his “arm” on the slopes with @renzoadams...but if you read between the lines, you know that's actually code for sam getting tennis elbow from trying to give renzo a handy to completion

whore behavior! link loses it! -  coming in at number five, @lincolnonline‘s drunken performance of t-swift’s tied together with a smile closes out our list. while his outfit was iconic, and her vocals weren’t half bad for a drunk bitch, it was also like, totally depressing. had he not redefined the term, “sloppy”, maybe he would’ve ranked higher!

COVER STORY ( pg. 3 )

arguably the best ( or worst ) spot you want to end up on if you ever receive the honor of being in the muckraker. this is the juiciest story jbi jr. could get his hands on and he promises to deliver it with integrity to his devoted readers.

                                  NEW YEAR, NEW RESIDENTS!

either you’ve heard about @mollypearce and @milespearce’s sudden move to our humble little cow town of lima, ohio, or you’re a fucking moron! while the pair have stirred up a storm in their short time being here, everyone has seemed to neglect the idea of stopping and asking themselves why? lucky for you lima, i did some digging of my own. as it turns out, the pearce matriarch has gone bankrupt and she can no longer afford to keep her children, or more likely, afford to keep up with their expensive lifestyle! rumor has it she sold the twins to lima’s very own sheets-n-things lurking, showtune humming, drug lord fathering, sandy ryerson! while i adore the spice molly and miles have brought to town, my heart goes out to their new status as part of the ryerson family!

RUMOR MILL ( pg. 5 )

it’s common knowledge the muckraker operates under the assumption that if something is said it must be true, but in the rumor mill jbi jr acknowledges the top eight rumors that he’s heard going around in a few concise bullet points. because if he’s heard it, the student body should have to hear it too!

looks like @sterlingduval falls victim of another hit, quit, and run! sources say her and @tracehummelanderson did the nasty this weekend, which would normally be yawn worthy if someone close to trace didn’t confirm he only did it to make his lifelong crush @candymotta jealous!

in a twist of events @ophiemeeks and @michaelchangiii were seen getting real cozy in his car. sources say they’re definitely banging.

@dylanhart and @camevanss were spotted sneaking away with one another. while dylan’s no stranger to being alone with guys, we’ve heard this time was a little different as she for once took control and pegged cam! one of her many ex pursuits came forth and confirmed.

gentleman prefer blondes? it seems @davisgools has grown tired with pursuing ivy st.james and opted for a friend of hers, @winnieclarington instead, to get his rocks off!

loveable stoner @bobbybukowski is one of few trustworthy dealers in lima. that might change though, seeing as it’s been circulating the gossip circles that he gave @dumbofassjoey laced fish food and killed gil!

turns out @domtinsley can sing? who knew! let’s hope coach tinsley isn’t an avid reader of my blog otherwise, he might be in for a bit of a shock.

after expressing concern about the lifespan of siri aboard the bus, it is alleged that @nicoabrams is actually the robot who escaped at the end of ex machina! good for her!

@spencerporterjr has made it to the list of those banned from the bean! his crime? having sex by the dumpsters. . .ick!

[JOEY'S ROOM, SAME SET AS BEFORE]

JOEY: Hello everyone and welcome back to Fondue for Two! I know it’s been a long time since I’ve posted, but after Gil the Fish ruined my camera, I couldn’t film it… Isn’t that right, Gil? [Zooms in on Gil’s fish bowl with the old camera still inside the bowl] But either way, we’re back and it’s a new year and we’re ready to bring Fondue for Two back, hopefully for good! Today’s guests are no other than Cameron Evans and Winnie Clarington-Smythe! Are you guys excited to be the first guests of Fondue for Two in 2041?

WINNIE: Personally, I'm like so offended you didn't ask me to be on your show prior. Does my makeup like look fine? Do you like have one of those view finders?

CAM: Hey Joe. Thanks for inviting me and happy new year!! Next time you book me for an interview... Can you make sure my partner's a human or at least Gil? Not Satan's twin sister. Thanks.

WINNIE: There's actually like no proof that I came directly from hell. Snopes denied it.

CAM: Is your wax candle face not evidence enough that you've spent time burning in hell?

WINNIE: Isn't it like totes anti-feminist to comment on my face?

JOEY: Oh my God, okay, let's stop right there... Winnie, your makeup looks fine! And it's great to have you both here! Let's just start with the questions, did you guys kiss anyone at midnight? And if you did, who was it? The audience and I want to know.

WINNIE: I didn't like kiss anyone at midnight, but I did have sex. Does that like count?

CAM: Most people kiss during sex unless it's Pretty Woman rules. Anyways. I didn't kiss anyone. Just kissed goodbye to a shitty year.

JOEY: Who did you have sex with? And weren't you at the Country Club at midnight? JOEY: That's okay, maybe you'll have someone to kiss next year! You could have kissed me though.

WINNIE: Totes wouldn't shock me if Cam's into that, but I just like hooked up with Austin. It wasn't like anything important.

CAM: Pass. I'm the one guest you have tonight that doesn't kiss people with boyfriends.

WINNIE: It doesn't count if she like wasn't into you in the first place and that's like such old news Cam-Cam. Don't like tell me you're still so hung up on that.

JOEY: Ew, you had sex with Austin? But anyways, let's move on and you guys need to stop fighting or else I won't air this. And then you won't be famous online like me. Next question, what are you guys looking forward in 2041? Do you think this will be the year that there will be finally an alien invasion?

WINNIE: Please this is gonna give you like the biggest hits. The people love drama, I mean isn't that like why you asked us to be here? Anyways, I think there's already been an alien invasion. The Meeks sisters, specifically. Redheads are like confirmed aliens.

CAM: Are we sure my co-guest isn't an alien? Anyways. I'm looking forward to leaving for college and getting a fresh start. 2041 is a brand new year and soon enough, I'll be in a new city in a new state. Can't wait to start over.

WINNIE: Also, Snopes disputed. I'd like to also say that I'm like supes excited for new foreign exchange students. And the new Prada collection.

JOEY: You're right, people do love drama... But first of all, the Meeks sisters are awesome and they're not aliens. Even if I've heard that gingers have no souls and that's why I really don't trust Julien's mom. And I think if there was already an alien invasion, we would know! JOEY: But you are going to miss Lima, right, Cam? Especially people like, I don't know, me.

WINNIE: Joey, just like confess your feelings for him already.

CAM: Oh. Joey already told me he had a crush on me forever ago. But yeah, sure, man. I'll miss you, I guess.

WINNIE: I like hope Warbler doesn't watch this show. That'd be totes embarassing for you Joey.

JOEY: That was a long time ago! I don't have a crush on you anymore, what? [nervous laugh] Moving on... Winnie, the next question is for you, is it true that you had plastic surgery?

CAM: Is it true she's had plastic surgery? Come on. You should ask how many noses we're on at this point...

WINNIE: I thought we had like already established that. But yes, I had a nonsurgical nose job over the summer and I'm like so not afraid to hide it because not only do I look hotter, but the rest of my face and body are like totes 100% natural and 100% hot.

JOEY: You kind of look like a Barbie now... That's totally a good thing, but don't Barbies set on fire easily? Are you scared that one day you're going to melt because you're made of plastic now?

WINNIE: No, I'm like totes confident in my abilities to stay away from fire.

JOEY: That's good, that's good, fire is dangerous... Anyways, next question is for Cam: who do you think is most likely to get married first after graduation? And also, why are you being so dry to me when I text you?

WINNIE: Why is this a Cam question? My bets are like so on Juliet and Ivan.

CAM: Don't answer my questions. Anyways. I think most people are rooting for Theo and Zoe. I'd also like to see Frankie have her first wedding as soon as possible, so we can have a lit bachelor party. And I'm not being dry to you? We just don't have to hang out every second of every day.

WINNIE: Bite me, Evans. I have no fear of like totes slashing your tires when I leave.

CAM: I'll just turn my windshield wipers on and melt you. Witches can't handle water, right?

JOEY: Well, I think people are rooting for Theo and Zoe too, that would be a nice wedding to go to. But what are you talking about? Yes, we do, you're my best friend! JOEY: Winnie, stop the violence, there's no violence in Fondue for Two! JOEY: Let's move on, can you guys say something nice about each other? Please?

WINNIE: Cam's like mildly attractive when his mouth is shut.

CAM: Gross. Please don't call me attractive.... Um.... Winnie... Uh. She's funny sometimes. Once a year.

WINNIE: I'm funny literally like all the time. Don't lie to yourself.

JOEY: See, that wasn't that hard, right? I think the two of you should hug!

WINNIE: No.

CAM: I'd rather light myself on fire.

WINNIE: I like literally don't know what you have against me. I like helped you out.

JOEY: Yeah, why do the two of you hate each other?

CAM: Joey. This girl is insane. Can we end this?

WINNIE: Insane? That's like such an accusation. I can't help it that you like don't hold the same energy off of the person that literally like cheated on you.

JOEY: Oh, I remember now... Well, moving on, I still have some questions. Winnie, if you had to pick one of your dads, who would you pick?

WINNIE: One of my dads for what? Like, favoritism? Because everyone knows Hunter is my favorite. He's like taught me stuff he learned in military school and I think that like made me a better person. WINNIE: But Sebastian gives me more money so... they're both kinda the same.

CAM: ...A better person? Jesus. How bad were you before?

JOEY: I guess that's fair... Next question is for Cam: is it true that you're totally into Serenity? Because I've seen the way she looks at you.

CAM: I'm not totally into anyone. Serenity and I are just friends. Cut it out.

WINNIE: Who's Serenity?

JOEY: I don't know, she just does my homework sometimes... I think she's in Glee Club, I can't be sure. JOEY: I think this is all the time we have, I feel like if we stay here any longer, you guys are going to kill each other so... Do you guys have anything you would like to say?

WINNIE: Just to like follow my Instagram and that if Cam's body ends up at The View that I like totes didn't do anything.

CAM: Can't kill a demon. Anyways. Thanks for having me. Avoid looking Winnie directly in the eyes or she might steal your soul! Have a good night.

JOEY: Alright... Well, that's all, thank you for watching and I hope to see you next time on Fondue for Two!

                          REVIEW CORNER: INTO THE WOODS

                                 with expert commentary from jacob ben israel ii

my fellow lima residents and devoted readers, in a foolish attempt to enjoy a night of theatre, last week i attended the lima players production of into the woods. naturally, the show was held in the tibideuax theatre, but if you ask me, this production smeared the pristine tibideuax name with a dark mark more prominent than nia’s marriage to dan schuester. this travesty and disgrace was directed by lima local and clear lunatic bryan ryan. if you ask me, the production he put together was just as insulting to the spirit of sondheim as spitting on actual grave. i don’t know where to begin with how terrible this show was. sure, i could start with begging the question of why anyone thought it would be a good idea to put joey hummel-anderson in a leadership position? or i could harrass bryan ryan and ask why he put lima’s most boring girl as a lead in a musical with the most boring second act ever written? i could’ve fallen asleep! but i didn’t. and i’m not going to ask these hard hitting questions either. instead, i will be giving a bulleted list of my brief thoughts and opinions on the show. 

the opening number was nauseating, i want to go to the festival? i want to go home! if you’re going to sing sondheim at least be on time!

not even ivy’s performance during cinderella’s moment with her mother was able to cheer me up after that awful opening. in fact, i missed half of it because i exited the auditorium to brutally upchuck in a lobby trash can. 

i wish i could tell you who those randos were playing little red and the wolf, but why did the wolf have a dick? classless.

every time lemon stepped on stage, i wanted to fall asleep. i know we aren’t supposed to root for the baker and his wife, but i simply was rooting for this grating nobody of a performer playing baker opposite lemon solely because he carried their entire song on his back.

while casting julien as jack was an. . .appropriate choice, him playing a boy against all his peers playing manly men is quite indicative of the type of person he is day to day. ivy seems to think so too.

jazmine evans, while your wig was atrocious, your performance of rapunzel was a highlight in the midst of this flop. 

when i say this production was bad, i mean. . . bad! if an iconic song like a very nice prince bores me half to sleep and one of the two duet partners is pitchy, your show is beyond help.

while i wish i could give a redeeming quality of this musical beyond jaz evans, i would have to say the best part of the show was intermission. not even the end was good. i was awoken from a gorgeous nap by the sounds of sheep around me clapping! unbelievable! 

altogether, into the woods was not it. if there were a hot or not scale for the productions i’ve seen in lima, into the woods would rank dead last! i don’t know how bryan ryan, under nia tibideaux’s management, could produce such a garbage fire of a show! 0/5 stars, ranked deadlast, jbij disapproved, are all synonymous with lima player’s into the woods.

better luck next time i guess, signing off. 

LIMA’S HOTTEST ( pg. 1 )

rankings of limas social hierarchy in theory should reflect the fifteen most popular lima teens . some things that factor into the top fifteen may be sexual prowess, slushier/slushee, and general opinion of you at any given time. while he only lists the top fifteen ( in alphabetical order ) and dead last, jacob ben israel ii’s list is pulled directly from the student body survey and paired with commentary.

@benlynnten​ - the fact that he ended up here is insulting! the simple minded-oaf assaulted me, but you people love a good himbo i guess!

@camevanss​ - again, you guys love a good himbo. i commend cameron for staying in the top 15 even after his shit show of a break up, but. i bet he can only ride the sympathy vote another month before spiraling into irrelevancy.  

@frankiepucker​ - how the hell frankie ended up here, i don’t know, but if i had to guess it has nothing to do with that wet blanket new girlfriend of hers, and more to do with that new side hustle🌿.

@ivystjamess​ - a good cheating scandal is always a bump in publicity! even gone from mckinley, as long as ivy keeps dead weight schuester off her arm, and something that resembles a cheerios skirt on, she’ll stay in the top 15.

@jazziejazxo​ - huh. i guess kinda nerdy girls really do it for some. well congrats to jaz! keep kicking balls and watching anime, people are into it i guess?

@jett-lp​ - is it a surprise jett is on this list? he’s nice, he’s hot, he’s got superior genes. it would’ve been more of a shock to not see him here.

@dumbofassjoey​ - i don’t know how this dumb ass twink continues to maintain relevancy, but now that he’s spoken for, i doubt those bjs he gives out like candy on halloween will keep him at the top. trust me. if anyone knows the hierarchy of gays, it’s me.

@lemonlopez​ - zzzz, oh? were you falling asleep? because same here! someone tell me when boring nice people stop making this list, because when it comes to lemon, i suspect the only reason she’s made this list is because she’s HOT.

@lincolnonline​ - link is the moment. all i can say is he’s one of few who actually deserve to be on this list and i’m so grateful someone interesting finally came to mckinley.

@rockyremington​ - ranking rocky highly isn’t going to get him to fuck you, you literally just have to have a pulse for that. maybe if he was taller than 5'8 i'd see the appeal. next person.

@rubyzizes​ - im amazed nudey is still in the top 15 after that whole scandal last month. i guess a sit in and reinstatement to the cheerios will do that? what doesn’t kill her makes her hotter!

@theobeiste​ - again, is anyone surprised? some people were just born to be popular, and evian dick is one of them. though there’s no denying that cuffing zoe puckerman (again) has secured him a top 15 spot for the remainder of his high school career.

@santosnessa​ - ranking vanessa highly isn’t going to get her to fuck you. she literally won’t bang anyone without an elaborate mayan ritual taking place beforehand. maybe if she’d pick a lane between academics and partying, i’d see the appeal. anyhow, again, next person.

@winnieclarington​ - there is something about that clarington-smythe baby gravy that just spawns legendary kids i guess! winnie is a bitch in a way interesting enough from her brother and i respect a cheerio who keeps everyone on their toes.

@zoepuckerman - zoe needs no introduction, we all know she belongs here and it’s as simple as that! much like theo, i foresee her stay in the top 15 being a long one. nothing but respect for yet another blonde cheerio who manages to be interesting.

DEAD LAST: @serenitygillenkerk​- yikes, just yikes

COVER STORY ( pg. 3 )

arguably the best ( or worst ) spot you want to end up on if you ever receive the honor of being in the muckraker. this is the juiciest story jbi jr. could get his hands on and he promises to deliver it with integrity to his devoted readers.

  GET YOUR POPCORN, PSYCHO PUCKERMAN IS MAKING A RETURN !

as many of you know, mckinley’s own nude erections took the stage two short saturdays ago to compete in an explosion of glitter and poorly covered songs. if you were in the audience, like myself, you may have noticed one @bbpuck missing from the ranks of new directions and all their suck. word on the street is, baby had a total breakdown prior to their performance because @jett-lp, who was formerly ghosting her showed up out of the blue backstage with a dozen red roses and all to wish her good luck. this sent her spiraling! sources say she took the roses and beat jett with them before panicking and missing the set entirely. sadly, this behavior came as a shock to just about no one. i personally love a psycho puckerman moment, and while i certainly have my opinions on the matter, i’d rather keep my mouth shut and not risk facing her fury. what i will say is i hope jett is making a swift recovery from that thorny attack!

JBIJ’S EXCLUSIVE / CUFFING SEASON SPECIAL ( pg. 5 )

it may not be as desirable as a cover placement, but it’s still quite the feat to snag a full length story in the muckraker. once again, it’s not as scandalous as the cover story, but it’s still one jbij felt the need to bring to the public’s attention. since it’s that time of year, jbij has elected to scrap the rumor mill for this edition and catch everyone up to speed with lima’s newest couples.

stacey meets the defensive line! - to kick off cuffing season, one of the most prominent couples that must be brought to the attention of the public is @staceyporter‘s fling with the entire football team.

cheaters sometimes win! - when there’s a couple with looks like these, we have no choice but to congratulate @davisgools and @ivystjamess on their new relationship! even if ivy is a dirty cheater, we hope they enjoy each other while they last and they keep up that energy of sneaking away from sectionals together. 

girls just wanna have fun! - and we’re sure @winnieclarington and @eli-stjames do! have you seen those two go at it at parties? they’re totally into each other, and sources say they made it official over the thanksgiving holiday. nothing like girls loving girls, congrats to this oddly matched pair for being so brave! 

predictability = popularity! - arguably mckinley’s “it” couple, after more than a year long break @zoepuckerman and @theobeiste are back on! predictable, pretty, boring, and heterosexual are some words that might be used to describe this pair, but if they don’t split again before graduation, they’ll be even easier to root for. 

he doesn’t even go here! - we figured @dumbofassjoey would manage to score more than a boyfriend that “doesn’t go here”, like, @angel-alexanderr who? as irrelevant as this new pair is, who sources say sealed the deal lady and the tramp style over breadstix, they get gay points. 

milf meets dilf! - hubba hubba, even though they aren’t teens quinn fabray-puckerman and brock remington deserve an honorable mention this cuffing season for being the hottest near geriatric couple around.

bo-nly fans! - after seemingly disappearing at random, @bodhilopezpierce reappeared with a bang in the lima mass text, insisting he got lost in cyber space! bo takes the meaning of cyber sex to a whole new level as he enters this relationship with cyber space.

WHO’S HOT, WHO’S NOT ( pg. 1 )

typically jbi jr’s monthly rankings in theory should reflect the popularity and hot factor of lima’s youth population. he follows his own point system based on ( allegedly ) public information . some things that often factor into his scores may be sex appeal, social standings, and his general opinion of you at any given time. though this month, after that train wreck of a party, he wanted to list the five biggest party fouls! jacob ben israel ii is open to any and all questions about personal rankings the student body might have. 

ARRESTS WERE SIMPLY MADE: @leo-mccarthy and @vincenthart wind up behind bars after stealing @theobeiste​‘s car!

BIRTHDAY BITCH?!: @austinelsons calls lima’s queen b, @zoepuckerman a bitch in a heated argument at her OWN party!

LEMON LOPEZ-SLUT: @lemonlp was not only spotted macking on a pre-criminal record @leo-mccarthy, but snuck away with the one and only @camevanss!

HUBBA HUBBA: @cheeriograce pulls out all the stops this halloween and as it turns out, she’s ACTUALLY hot. 

WORLD WAR FRAM: @camevanss and @frankiepucker were spotted having their annual halloween showdown!

COVER STORY ( pg. 3 )

arguably the best ( or worst ) spot you want to end up on if you ever receive the honor of being in the muckraker. this is the juiciest story jbi jr. could get his hands on and he promises to deliver it with integrity to his devoted readers.

                                                       NUDEY YIKESZES!                THE RUBY EXPRESS HAS ARRIVED, FREE TO ALL! 

you’d have to live under a rock to be unaware of @rubyzizes sexual exploits! thanks to an anonymous source though, we’ve been given a sneak peek of what just about nobody in lima has been missing. in case anyone misplaced their tickets aboard the ruby express, us at the muckraker have compiled all of the images we’ve been sent for YOUR viewing pleasure. this is either going to tank ruby’s reputation or send her skyrocketing. personally, i’d like to see the former. a whore’s just a whore without a cheerios uniform to mask the scent! ruby may be a notorious slut, but these pictures are something else. some may ask, muckraker, have you no sympathy for this girl? the answer is a simple one, no! everyone’s had their own sexual encounter with nudey yikeszes at one point or another and maybe if she was a little more careful with her snapstash, we wouldn’t be figuratively and literally seeing her in such compromising positions. so go forth lima, enjoy the show! the outcome of this on ruby’s reputation will certainly be one to watch.

JBIJ’S EXCLUSIVE ( pg. 5 )

it may not be as desirable as a cover placement, but it’s still quite the feat to snag a full length story in the muckraker. once again, it’s not as scandalous as the cover story, but it’s still one jbij felt the need to bring to the public’s attention.

                                          JAZ IN A WARBLER SANDWHICH!                       A SOCCER STAR'S JOURNEY TO LOSE HER VIRGINITY

it was unintentionally revealed via president schuester’s flop of a mass text that @jazziejazxo is or was in fact a virgin! considering she used to run in the same circles as austin nelson, that’s surprising, but after that secret slipping in a very public forum, she went wild at the puckerman-st.james party! according to our sources after a night of heavy partying, jaz was seen scampering away with @nicowarbler and @eriksterlingduval to one of those juicy and forbidden upstairs bedrooms. while we don’t have details on just how that experience went over for jaz, we can only imagine it was subpar. even if nico and eric managed to put their braincells together, it’d still be a shock that those two were able to give her a timely and fulfilling first time! warbler incompetence aside, props to jaz for bagging those private school boys and attempting to secure her future coin. even though we at the muckraker have a speculation it was probably a mess, we would love that confirmation from jaz to give to the public!

RUMOR MILL ( pg. 7 )

it’s common knowledge the muckraker operates under the assumption that if something is said it must be true, but in the rumor mill jbi jr acknowledges the top four rumors that he’s heard going around in a few concise bullet points. because if he’s heard it, the student body should have to hear it too!

- grand theft otto?! rumor has it car thief @leo-mccarthy also stole @ottomeeks‘ virginity in a game of seven minutes in heaven. who knew he could even last that long!

- virgin pure @fauna-fabray allegedly mounted @benlynnten in the st.james hot tub where they did the nasty!

- @dumbofassjoey tried calling the cops at the party to which @ljholliday tackled him in response so the party could live on!

- @serenitygillenkerk and @bodhilopezpierce were seen flirting at the halloween party. lima’s newest power couple? 

WHO’S HOT, WHO’S NOT ( pg. 1 )

jbi jr’s monthly rankings in theory should reflect the popularity and hot factor of this year’s homecoming dates. he follows his own point system based on ( allegedly ) public information . some things that factor into his scores may be sex appeal of the couple, social standings as individuals, and his general opinion of you at any given time. jacob ben israel ii is open to any and all questions about personal rankings the student body might have.

Ashley Graham & Her Husband +48 ( @rubyzizes and @camevanss )

Dancing Queens +48 ( @dumbofassjoey and @zporter )

Teen Lesbians +45 ( @frankiepucker and @ljholliday )

Dumb & Dumber +40 ( @ivystjamess and @julienschuester )

Princess & The Frog +36 ( @bbpuck​ and @tophermccarthy​ )

Ryan & Sharpay Evans +36 ( @steviebeckett​ and @darcyclarington​ )

Kourtney Kardashian & Scott Disick +33 ( @zoepuckerman​ and @austinelsons​ )

Sid & Nancy +33 ( @theobeiste​ and @winniekarofsky​ )

Heterosexual Bed Death +33 ( @lemonlp​ and @tracehummelanderson​ )

Dumbledore & Beard +29 ( @eli-stjames​ and @eric-harcourt​ )

Lady & The Tramp +29 ( @drewmccarthys and @auroraowen )

Victorian Ghosts +28 ( @leo-mccarthy and @finnschuesters )

Mommy’s Little Rejects +27 ( @benlynnten and @poppydelmonico )

COVER STORY ( pg. 3 )

arguably the best ( or worst ) spot you want to end up on if you ever receive the honor of being in the muckraker. this is the juiciest story jbi jr. could get his hands on and he promises to deliver it with integrity to his devoted readers.

                                              NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY!                                         CAM EVANS’ SLUT STREAK REVEALED.

mckinley was left quaking at the news of @eli-stjames and @camevanss splitting up. with the everchanging cesspit of relationships at wmhs, eli and cam were a nice change of pace with their wholesome consistency. alas, all good things must come to an end. before our collective grieving period could even end, an anonymous source came forward with the truth about their breakup. the source states, “cam’s been fucking zoe for like, the entire summer. that’s why him and eli called it quits.” you heard it here first titans, cam evans cheated on long term girlfriend, eli st.james, with her bff @zoepuckerman. talk about a blonde bombshell! here at the muckraker, my informants and i are not only surprised, but deeply saddened by this revelation. from my understanding, eli and zoe were only acting friendly in hopes of the story not breaking, but now that it’s cover page material, i suspect the claws will be out. seeing as cam can officially be labelled a manwhore, i would guess it’s only a matter of time before tips start filing in about other hookups he had during his relationship with eli. guess it really always is the nice ones.

JBIJ’S EXCLUSIVE ( pg. 5 )

it may not be as desirable as a cover placement, but it’s still quite the feat to snag a full length story in the muckraker. once again, it’s not as scandalous as the cover story, but it’s still one jbij felt the need to bring to the public’s attention.

                                         STUCK IN THE MIDDLE WITH YOU!                  LIMA’S LOVEABLE LUNKHEAD CAUGHT IN LOVE TRIANGLE.

we all saw the chemistry between @dumbofassjoey and @lincolnonline when link made his appearance on fondue for two, so how the hell did joey end up at homecoming with @zporter? reports say that after fondue for two, joey asked link to attend the dance with him in the grand gesture of song. several members of new directions have confirmed that link wasn’t impressed with joey’s rendition of let me love you (understandably) and rejected him in the middle of rehearsal. joey then proceeded to ask zane to the dance with him as a back up. why he said yes is beyond me, but i guess washed up jocks are willing to get with any cheerio these days. we all saw joey and zane at the dance, link included. sources tell me that link is now extremely jealous and prepared to stop at nothing to take down this new pairing. hopefully link doesn’t take a page out of tonya harding’s book, the last thing zane needs is another leg injury.

RUMOR MILL ( pg. 7 )

it’s common knowledge the muckraker operates under the assumption that if something is said it must be true, but in the rumor mill jbi jr acknowledges the top four rumors that he’s heard going around in a few concise bullet points. because if he’s heard it, the student body should have to hear it too!

- @poppydelmonico is known to be terri del monico’s daughter, but rumor has it, her father is actually will schuester. those hideous curls tell us all we need to know.

- @steviebeckett and @ivystjamess were both missing come the end of the homecoming. sources say they made a quick escape in order to go hook up.

- after a riveting performance at homecoming, @julienschuester, @lemonlp, and @darcyclarington are rumored to be a throuple.

- @winniekarofsky and @austinelsons were said to have hooked up under the bleachers, rumor has it this might not have been the first time.

[Again, Joey’s room – the same setting as usual, but instead of having two guests over, Joey only has Frankie Puckerman sitting across from him] 

JOEY: Hello everyone and welcome back to Fondue for Two! Before we start, I just wanted to thank everyone who voted for me for Homecoming Prince, I did deserve that crown. We’re here today with one of the most powerful lesbian in McKinley, Frankie Puckerman! There were supposed to be two guests today, but I’m guessing she got lost on her way here, so we’re just starting. I’m not sure if she’ll even show up… So, Frankie, are you excited for finally being on Fondue for Two?

FRANKIE: Yeah, sups stoked, Big Joe. I think it's gonna be your most entertaining show yet. Can't say I'm sad about being alone though... this shit feels comfy cozy with just us right now.

JOEY: Well, I'm glad to hear that! I think it would still probably be for the best if we had another guest, but I can always ask Gil some questions. Okay, first question, who do you think was the best dressed at Sadie's? Besides me, obviously.

[The door opens-- a man's voice can be heard telling non other than LJ to have fun! LJ stares from Joey to Frankie for a moment before taking her seat. She avoids looking at Frankie and shifts uncomfortably in her seat.] 

 LJ: sorry i'm late and shit.

FRANKIE: Best dressed? Bro you know I don't pay atten - wait, what? LJ's the second guest?

JOEY: Nice of you to show up, LJ, I thought I told you to be here on time! And yes, LJ's my second guest... I needed two lesbians, okay? LJ, do you have anything to say about who was the best dressed at Sadie's?

LJ: um, i don't fuckin know, dude. i thought fran--francisco looked good. he's that foreign exchange student.

JOEY: Is he the one who passed out in the bathroom? Because I saw him lying on the floor but I didn't help because I thought he was asleep. Moving on, now that you're here, I guess I can ask some questions the fans sent. Is it true that you both left Sadie's earlier to go buy scissors?

LJ: sure, tworty.

FRANKIE: Yep, just really wanted to do some arts and crafts under the big stupid lights.

JOEY: Cool! Let me just scroll on my phone for more questions, there's a lot about scissors. Maybe you guys should start a crafts club or something! Right, here we go... Frankie, why did you kiss LJ? Wait, you two kissed?!

LJ: dude, are you a fucking moron? why would you ask that?

FRANKIE: No, it's fine. No biggie. There was spiked punch and I had a shit ton, Joe. That's it.

JOEY: I wasn't the one who asked, I didn't even see you guys kissing! But okay, I guess that's a fair answer. I mean, we've all kissed someone when we were drunk, right? Okay, moving on... Who are the hottest girls in school? And you have to be honest!

LJ: you still willingly chose to ask that one though, dude. but right. we were just drunk and shit. LJ: anyhow hottest girls in school. . . i can get behind some mild objectification, do they have to be gay?

JOEY: No, it can be any girl!

FRANKIE: Easy. Wren, Ruby, and Rory.

LJ: i would probably say eli st.james. LJ: vega is hot too though. even if she's recently become a fuckin' traitor with that cheerios bullshit.

FRANKIE: Cheerios are hot as shit bro c'mon. Traitor or not.

LJ: ...  LJ: not really my type.  LJ: i guess ruby's pretty though.

JOEY: Okay... Interesting choices, but we all know that I'm the hottest Cheerio! Moving on, LJ, is it true that you live in the forest because you're secretly an elf?

LJ: no?  LJ: you've been to my house, bitch.

JOEY: Liar! You said that was your house, doesn't mean you live there! Anyway, Frankie, is it true that you've been a theater nerd all along, but you've been hiding it all this time?

FRANKIE: I almost violently ignored my mom blasting broken Broadway songs through my childhood so that's going to be a hard pass. You confused me into auditioning, remember? I look like a theater nerd because of you. Both of you, actually.

LJ: you lost a bet fair and square, franks-- ie.

JOEY: Oh yeah... You guys are being weird, is everything okay? Is Gil's presence too much for you? Because I get that.

FRANKIE: Yeah, totally starstruck over here.

LJ: because of your fish? no.

JOEY: That's mean, but fine... So, if it's not about Gil, then why are you acting so weird, LJ? And don't worry Frankie, you can totally get an autograph.

FRANKIE: We should just spend the rest of the time watching Gil give different things autographs, probably. That's what the viewers want, I'm sure.

LJ: im not acting weird. your show is fuckin weird. but i agree. give the fish his starring role.

FRANKIE: His show isn't weird, LJ.

JOEY: Maybe some other time, but Frankie's right, my show isn't weird! It's awesome! Moving on... who's the best person you've kissed, Frankie? And you can't say LJ because she's here.

FRANKIE: I dunno some chick at Crawford or something. I don't ask for names most of the time. FRANKIE: LJ's turn.

LJ: huh. i don't think i can fairly answer this question if i'm being real with you both.

JOEY: Why not? Just give us a name!

LJ: because i've lived like a million fuckin places  and im not about to be the douche that's like 'oh you don't know them'

JOEY: I guess that's fair enough... I'm going to be honest here, this Fondue for Two is being really weird. Even Gil thinks so! Do you guys have something you would like to say to each other?

FRANKIE: Nah I'm good. We done here? I doubt LJ has some shit to say right now.

LJ: hold on what the fuck do you mean by that dude?

FRANKIE: Oh I thought it was pretty clear? You seem super busy lately. Just running off sometimes. Figured it was almost time for your next activity, yeah?

LJ: dude...

FRANKIE: Are we done, Joey?

JOEY: What? Oh, sorry... I mean, I guess so? I was going to ask if you two had fun, but it doesn't seem like it? Did you?

LJ: definitely don't think i'd try this shit out again. sorry.  LJ: can i head out?

FRANKIE: Yeah I'm out too. Thanks for having me, J. Maybe think about just doing one person from now on.

JOEY: Okay... Well, thanks for watching everyone! Make sure to tune in next week for more Fondue for Two! Maybe next time it'll be less intense than this!

[The same old Joey’s room, same as before – Joey sitting across from Stevie and Rory, while Gil the Fish is on his bowl in between them]

JOEY: Welcome back to Fondue for Two! Since last week we had Ivy and Lincoln here with us and they’re playing Danny and Rizzo in Grease, I thought that it would probably for the best if I invited the people who are playing Sandy and Rizzo on the nights that no one cares about! In other words, I finally got Danny as I deserve, but this isn’t about me! I have here with me, Rory Owen and Stevie Beckett! How do you feel about being here?

STEVIE: Since when do people not care about closing night?

RORY: I think all days are equally important, but thanks for inviting me on here Joey. I kinda thought this was only reserved for people you liked.

JOEY: No one cares about closing night, Stevie. And it was hard for me to invite the two of you over, but it's fine, I'll just have to burn those chairs. First question is for Rory: care to explain what happened to the Schuemobile?

RORY: No comment. Any relation to me destroying the Schuemobile is simply just rumors. And I’m definitely not saying this because this video could be incriminating.

JOEY: Okay, that's fair enough! I still think you did it though, so I'll keep my eye out on you just in case. Next question is for Stevie: out of the gay boys in our school, who's the second hottest? I'm already first, so.

STEVIE: I'm definitely first hottest, so... you? Congrats.

JOEY: Stop lying in front of Gil the Fish, that's rude. Anyway, what are you guys most excited about the musical?

RORY: Being able to play a part that I actually deserve. Don’t get me wrong, I’m absolutely thrilled to play Jan but... we all know who had the best Danny audition and it wasn’t Julien or Ivy.

STEVIE: Getting to knock the socks off of the audience with my rendition of 'Hopelessly Devoted to You' on B nights. And getting to piss off any backwoods townie homophobes by telling an enchanting gay love story on stage. Even if it does mean I have to kiss you, Joey.

JOEY: You're right, the best Danny audition was mine, I'm glad that we could agree on that! And Stevie, the thought of kissing you makes my skin crawl, but I'm willing to do it because I really want to play Danny. Okay, next up, we have a little game. Fuck, marry, kill: Theo, Kaden and Cam. And don't worry, the internet is a safe place.

STEVIE: They're all straight, right? Snooze, I'll let Rory take this one.

RORY: Well, I’ve already fucked two of the three so I guess I’ll fuck Cam since I haven’t yet, marry Theo, and kill Kaden. Pretty refreshing lineup in my opinion.

JOEY: Stevie, it's supposed to be a game! You have to answer! Wait, Rory you slept with Theo? Can you whisper in my ear if the Evian water bottle rumors are true?

RORY: Evian water bottle rumors? What?

STEVIE: Oh, well if that's true I know my line up.

STEVIE: Unless I'm missing something.

JOEY: Stevie, just answer the question! Rory, we'll talk after the video is over. [looks at the camera for a while and then back to Stevie]

STEVIE: I'm invoking my fifth amendment right, and would like to instead use this time to encourage everyone to vote for me for Homecoming King.

RORY: I thought you weren’t on the ballot?

STEVIE: Please tell me my sister's curse is not passing on to me.

JOEY: You have a sister?

JOEY: Right, I'm getting distracted, the Evian water bottle thing threw me off. Moving on, Stevie, why do you dress like my dad?

RORY: Joey, he has a literal twin.

STEVIE: If you're referring to your fabulous if a tad washed up father Kurt, I'll just say it's an honor to be compared to him.

JOEY: I don't mean him, I mean my dad Blaine. You're telling me if I pulled out one of his bowties right now, what are the odds that you already own it?

STEVIE: It's rare of me to rock a bowtie, but considering I'm pretty sure your dads could have me fired in an instant for whatever I say on here, I'll just say pass on the fashion inquisition, thanks.

JOEY: I guess that's fair enough, just don't go steal clothes from my dad or he'll be really mad. Rory, I heard a rumor that you're taking Drew McCarthy to Sadie's! Is this because he reminds you of a lost puppy? Because that's what I think.

RORY: No? I mean, he’s a bit like a lost puppy but that’s not why we’re going together.

JOEY: Then why are you going together?

RORY: Because we’re friends.

JOEY: So, you don't want to jump in his pants?

RORY: Why would I want to do that?

JOEY: I don't know, I was just wondering. You're very defensive about all of this. Anyway, Stevie, who are you taking to Sadie's?

STEVIE: I'll be escorted by the illustrious Darcy Clarington-Smythe whose financial backing combined with my fashion sense will make her the best dressed girl there, even if she's not a McKinley student.

JOEY: That's kind of lame. I thought you at least would go with a hot guy, but at least Darcy's pretty cool! Right, another question for the two of you: predictions on what's going to happen at Sadie's? Drama, hook-ups, tell me all.

RORY: I don’t really know? People are probably going to just get drunk and fuck like usual.

STEVIE: This is McKinley, if we don't have some form of rigged election or prank during court announcements, I'll feel cheated out of the full experience, honestly. I'll probably be crowned Queen instead of King as a cheap joke, someone will put bath salts in the punch, and someone'll get Carrie'd. Those are my guesses.

JOEY: Right, right... Stevie, you're not getting crowned Queen, you're not popular enough. Besides, I'm a Cheerio, if anyone were to be crowned Queen, it would be me.

STEVIE: I am also a Cheerio.

JOEY: Liar!

JOEY: Anyway, it's time to wrap this up, I took most of my cold medicine an hour ago and now I have the urge to stand in a corner for three hours. Time for Gil's final thoughts. [Zoom in on Gil the Fish as he swims around] Rory, he said something really offensive, I'm not going to translate that.

RORY: He can speak??

STEVIE: Okay, well, Vote Stevie! And come see Grease on B-cast nights! At least that's one thing we can all agree on.

JOEY: Of course he can, he's a fish! And obviously vote for Joey, this is my show and if you guys don't vote for me, I'll be really sad. Did you guys have fun?

RORY: It wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever done. So, kinda fun I guess.

STEVIE: Never imagined I could have such a great time exposing my personal life for all of Lima to see.

JOEY: Awesome! Don't forget to join us next week for more Fondue for Two!