I just saw the absolutely most disgusting cheesecake ever conceived of being advertised as a “European nobility” recipe and the worst part is people actually believed it just because it used honey instead of sugar. Friends. You can use honey instead of sugar in any recipe you want, but the health benefits will be the same in any cooked item because prolonged heat destroys the antimicrobial properties of the honey. It’s just sugar at that point. It’s not a fancy European secret. AND, the cheesecake was baked too long and at too high a temperature, dairy curdled, eggs scrambled, top dry and brown. Maybe you could feed it to royalty if you were looking to get your head chopped off. I was so incensed at the complete mockery of cheesecake that I decided to share my recipe. It may include some ingredients that weren’t available when the guillotine was popular, but the methods will result in a creamy, smooth, delicious, *actual* cheesecake that you could safely offer to the most brutal rulers of any century.
1-2 cups crushed cookies or nuts (like 2-3 handfuls)
3 eight ounce packages cream cheese, room temp (24 oz)
1-3 tsp vanilla extract (5-15 ml)
1 cup heavy whipping cream (240 ml)
Set out the 3 blocks of cream cheese 1-4 hours ahead of time to soften to room temperature, especially if you don’t have an electric mixer.
When you’re ready to start, preheat the oven to 300 degrees Fahrenheit (149 C). If your oven runs hot, set it to 275-290F.
If you have a 9 in springform pan, wrap the outside of it with heavy tinfoil to make it waterproof. Several times. So much foil. (Can also use any 9 inch pan and wrap it anyway, the insulation will keep the sides nice and creamy.) Put parchment paper in the bottom of the pan.
If you’re making a crust do that in the pan. 1-2 cups crushed cookie or whatever and 2-3 Tb butter, pressed into the bottom of the pan. Bake 10-15 minutes to make it set.
Remove the crust to cool, and put a pan filled halfway with water on the bottom rack of the oven. This will be your water bath and it is crucial if you live in a dry climate.
Use an electric mixer thing to beat (not whip) the 3 blocks cream cheese and 1 cup sugar. Keep going until it is smooth, about 2-3 minutes. Scrape down at least once during this, and once after. If you are mixing by hand, this will take a while. Have patience. I promise it will be worth it.
Add the 3 eggs one at time, mixing on low and scraping down after each one. The eggs are fragile and you’ll ruin the texture if you don’t do this slowly, which is why the rest of the batter has to be smooth before you add them. (If mixing by hand, you probably aren’t capable of over-mixing unless you’re like, Goku or something.)
Add the 1-3 tsp vanilla and keep mixing on low until it’s all blended in. You can measure with your heart but don’t be like the cake poll. Let your brain be part of this too.
Add the 1 cup cream and mix on low until it is completely and utterly blended. ON LOW. Do not whip the cream. You will ruin the eggs we just spent 15 years on.
Pour the cheesecake batter into the springform (or otherwise) pan and put the pan over the water bath in the oven (or in it if you only have one shelf).
Bake for like 60 minutes until the top is not glossy and it jigglies not liquidies. IT SHOULD NOT BE BROWN. DO NOT LISTEN TO THE CRAZY INTERNET PEOPLE. It doesn’t even need to be golden. If it’s not liquid, it’s done.
When the time is up, do NOT take the cheesecake out of the oven. Just turn the oven off and let the cheesecake cool inside for 60 minutes. Then move the cheesecake to a cooling rack on the counter and let cool until it’s at room temperature (at least an hour). Then move the cheesecake to continue to cool in the refrigerator for like 8 hours. So overnight. Yay.
In 87 weeks, you can finally. Finally eat it. Top with fruit or caramel or anything you like. Feed it to visiting royalty. Hoard it for yourself. I don’t care, just never, NEVER let the weirdy psuedohealth influencers tell you it has to be curdled and burnt to be good for you. It is DESSERT, and it has plenty of protein and necessary fats and sugars that are part of a well-rounded diet. There is enough needless suffering in the world. Do not add another scrambled egg “cheesecake” to the list.
Crockpot variation: tinfoil coil in the bottom of crockpot, wrap 4 oz jars in tinfoil, cook on high 1.5 hours (starting with off crockpot and lukewarm water bath). Cool 1 hr on counter, 8 hours in fridge. Will make like 8-10 jars
Lemon variation: add zest of 1 lemon to 1 cup sugar and pulse in food processor before adding to cream cheese. Add some zest to the crust too if you want. Juice the zested lemon and add it through a sieve at same time as cream. This one will be lighter than the original recipe, if you prefer less density.
origamiaround
ellievsbear
romaincrisis
jacobvanloon
blakekathryn
