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The first weekend of May, TT and Hun and Rock came down so T could build us a set of steps for the pool. It cost $205 and it took him like two hours to build and he did not need my help at all. It was amazing, he made it look so easy, they are so comfortable to climb up, I love them. His talent is actually incredible, he literally made it look so easy, like I could do it.
While he was working, Rock and I went to the Amish market with my mom and I got ribs which are so good I have had them probably twice since lmao. We went to Boscovs and bought stuff for her cruise and she bought me the shirt I picked out, so pretty and bright blue, I love it.
After that we stopped at the dollar store to get stuff to clean Nana's grave and then we went to the cemetery to see her. We cleaned it and gave the headstone some kisses before coming back to my house.
We ate our stuff from the Amish market for a little bit and then Rock got a text from Milissa to ask to drive her car home because she drank at the party she went to.
It was such a fun day.
Today I went to the weed store and I had a nice convo with the guy at the counter. Then I went to the cigarette store and when I walked in they went, "Hi Ashli!" and they gave me two of my screen packages for free and it was so nice. I loved how I felt like a regular at both of the places and felt like I belonged.
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I gave up RP and have kept that sacrifice. I have also abstained from ice cream, video games, and soda as of March 27. However, on that day, I bought a cat stuffed animal from Acme because I felt a special connection to it... which is a shitty excuse.
I love God but I don't want to love God just for the things He's done for me. But my selfish nature forces me to focus on those things that benefit me. If I had a true lover I would be selfish about them, I would mostly be interested in how they make me feel and the way they treat others would be important but secondary.
It's the sin in me... I'm a sinful person anyway. So, attempting to be thoughtful, it's natural for me to want to be cautious of listing the ways in which God is only good to me. As if that's what validates his existence. But that's not what makes God who he is and why he's this extremely lovable being.
God is love, of course he is lovable. I just want to be personal with him, I want to have personality traits I can internalize and be like: oh yes, Jesus, he is too funny. My Jesus, oh he is too sweet.
ᘞ ✭ 𝄞 ₊ ˚ ⊹ ༺ ♱ ༻ ‧ ₊˚ ♪ ✭ ᘞ
𖧷 I pray to God that he helps me learn to love him in a deep way. I pray for him to teach me to love him more than I worry about my own standing in his graces.
𖧷 I want to see him as a person, a soul, a personality, a friend, I want to get there...
𖧷 "I've read the Bible cover to cover 11 times and I get the sense of a God who just genuinely loves people. And I just don't see that elsewhere. Because as an all powerful being he could have chosen to not love but he chose love as his key characteristics. Other gods and deities don't have that. It just amazes me that God the father, Jesus have chosen qualities like humility, mercy, forgiveness, love."
𖧷 The answers people give are typically very simple, and that's not how my mind works. And I will not lie to myself or God about this topic. It's impossible. Of course because he knows my heart, it's a commandment, in my worst moments he never left, he gave me a beautiful life, he helps me live life with depression, he saved my life in an accident, he cured me, he is the creator of all beautiful things... they're all fantastic reasons and most of them apply to me. But I need deeper. deeper. Something that lights it up.
I love my Jesus, I love him so much. I feel like that lamb sometimes, when I run to him and know that it'll be okay. I think maybe I have this resentment the sinful part of me hangs on to about.... how bad I feel mentally all the time. That clawing feeling of wanting to rip out of my skin because inside is too loud. It's daily, its near constant. I don't know what it is. It's not something I hold against Jesus, but it's a concept I hold on to. I don't know how to say it without feeling or sounding horrible.
"How do you fall in love with a person? You communicate with them a lot. You talk about fears and dreams, ambitions, hurts, traumas, even the day to day stuff. You learn about each other over time. You go through life and experience how they act and react to different situations, when and how they help you, if they help you, how they encourage you and support you and how you support them through life. True love takes time and is a commitment. Not a feeling. In biblical times love was an action word, a commitment a discipline and that, over time, develops feelings."
I really dislike when I let myself feel like doing something wrong and then it puts me in bad standing with him and then I'm worthless. It's this whole thing. I need to stop worrying about how he thinks about me and focus more on how I can show more of my love for him.
A person can work to love God more by actively cultivating a relationship with Him through consistent prayer, studying Scripture, and practicing gratitude for His grace. Obey his commands, love others as a reflection of God, meditate on his passion and go to church. I think I can also take more time to just talk off script. When I say my prayers and repeat words I say every night, I still focus my mind on goals and prayers and ideas, like it's not just nonsense words on my end. I think and connect with him and mary and think about the words I'm saying and think about the mysteries of the rosary I am on and the thing I am praying for.
The more we obey God, the more we’ll experience Him. My biggest thing I need to work on right now is the evil thoughts I have about others: both the momentary thoughts of hate and then the harboring hate against people I don't like. I was told by monsignor to send those people off with a prayer and I have been forgetting that. I also have a video I can be watching when I am ready to work on my resentment towards others.
It's lent right now and instead of playing video games I am here doing this and that's great!!!
Okay so this Lent has been something I have been working towards doing well every day. The last two Fridays I have eaten meat. I ate chicken noodle soup when I was sick and today I ate beef and brocoli lunch that you put in the microwave. I have also failed to mail out any more letters to prisoners. I have, however, made all of the cards for kids and have mailed half of them so far. I have not played a video game or ate ice cream or drank soda, I have not missed the Eucharist, I donated to the shelter near me, I haven't done any fun shopping. I have not RPed at all.
When I come home I want to play video games, especially Sims 4, but I do not. I have even been able to spend some time reading the bible when I need something to do- instead of video games or rping.
I also had gotten sick with a uti during this time during lent, so I was left with less things to distract myself with or to comfort myself by rping in that way. It's been something I am trying to learn from, for sure. I haven't noticed much yet other than how much I am able to distract myself from with video games and rp. It's not easy for me to be left with my own thoughts for so long, but I am thankful for this time. I am happy to be reading the bible.
The uti was hard, I got angry for the pain and having to miss work because I was sick for multiple days before I realized what was wrong and I got my diagnosis. I even cut myself during a panic attack related to money and mom not paying her bills. It's been a lot. I don' know, I am just supposed to thank God for these opportunities and I believe that I am slowly learning to internalize that. The pain is so scary though, when it happens, when my stomach hurts like that.... wow.
It's not easy having this extra time not playing video games. You know they say it would be good and productive to have free time from your vices but what if I am unable to do anything productive with the time instead? Have I not earned some time to relax and rest and let my mind not be thinking after working all day? What if I play someone reading the gospel while I play? Everything in small doses and moderation is usually ok. Depending on the thing.
I pray and ask God for the courage and willingness to write more letters to prisoners. I wrote two that need to be repackaged because I ripped them up for whatever reason when I was having stomach pains and looking for something in my purse.
I also pray for the courage to have more patience and fruits of the holy spirit because today was no good. No good.
Today I looked back through my other blog and I used to be so much better at writing in this thing. Also, I used to not be religious at ALLLL. I have come so far! For the last two years I have been coming back to and practicing my Catholic faith like my eternal soul depends on it. I love not centering my relationship in my life. I love being a free person who has a better handle on their emotions and their mind. I don't even think about or worry about.
I need to be able to write more memories on here and things that matter to me or just being able to rant so I can go back and read it. I used to post photos and gifs and text banners on all my posts and I would write about how my day was, and much more. It was so cute to see and it was obvious that I was really feeling called to keep A blog for myself.
I'm just getting over having a uti and I was so sick, I haven't had one in ages and it was horrible. I need to lock in and start doing good things for myself and others. Lent is now and I have been holding up my promises and fasting well.
-the book of job when i searched it up a youtuber JUST began a study on it like yesterday. i wanted to reread this book of the bible to help me feel better about the state of the world
-i went to confession on march 7th so i could ask monsignor about help with the state of the world
Monsignor told me that I needed to build a wall around my heart because the problems of the world are not my concern. He told me the story of Mother Theresa being asked about retiring from running her shelter, she was asked if she was worried about what would happen with all her work. She said she wasn't worried about it because it was His concern now. The reporter didn't understand and asked her to clarify and she pointed up and said it was all up to God now.
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was so excited that I got a reply from one of my prison penpals (my baddies) on corrlinks but she had to add me so I could accept her so she can accept me, accepting her, and then hopefully send me a message lmao
I went to confession today because I m**tur**ted and I want to go to church on Ash Wednesday and get the Eucharist. I had a nice conversation with Father Steve and he spoke to me about my lust and how I give in to it.
I confessed not avoiding things that make me sin like reading and social media and he said it was good that I knew this. He pointed out that our mind involves pulling weeds but we have to plant more flowers in the mean time to lessen the space for weeds to come back. It's not just about getting rid of your vices, but filling your heart with happy things that serve the Lord.
Father reminded me that when we ask for something in Jesus' name, we will get it. So pray in Jesus' name that the spirit of lust will leave me, and the desire will leave me. It's not only about not sinning, it's about not wanting to sin.
Father pointed out that yesterday we heard Jesus talk about taking off one of your members instead of taking your whole body in to hell, he said that it isn't about self-mutilation, it's about completely changing your heart on these things because they should disgust you. You need to completely separate yourself from them, it is not a simple matter so you need to take it very seriously, it is life and death for real.
she dies and says an 'angel being' came up to her and said 'you get it now don't you? do you get it?'
'this sadness, like, you thought that it was going to kill you, so it did but this sadness never had any power over you, like, you kept telling yourself this is so bad that I'm going to die, so that's what happened, you let your sadness kill you.'
'but don't you know now that sadness cant hurt you? it cant really touch you, everything is continuous and we keep learning our lessons and keep trying.'
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