Sweet spice

“hey, can you do me like... a huge favor?” he catches dom in the common room, a weekday, his girlfriend no where to be found. or was she the best friend? he could never quite remember. 

“astrid likes you, right? you’re good friends with her?” he was sure. she’s always around him when spencer wants to hang out, which usually leaves him slinking off like a dog with his tail between his legs. there’s also that other girl that hangs around, is more touchy with him, not as nice, but possessive. maybe that’s the girlfriend. 

either way, he needs astrid. 

“can you like... put in a good word for me? or something? so she doesn’t think i’m a total low life and waste of space.” because he wasn’t. he wasn’t and he would stand his ground on that. “you know? for natsuki and steph. i really want to make a good impression on them and all...”

[...]

“my night was ok.” she hums. “but i’m not sleeping over to talk about my night. so you can hurry up and tell me what you did wrong this time.” ahri sighs, torn between two possibilities, because one she liked the style but the other was just more comfortable in general. such tough choices. 

"i didn't fuck her." spencer immediately defends himself. "and i'm not going to." he had absolutely no intention of getting anywhere near intimate with mabel, especially after learning she was stephanie's roommate. "besides, you and i both know that i don't have to anything to ruin things with steph." he's probably already done all he could to make sure it was a tragedy.

rolling his eyes, he heaves a sigh and pushes himself up from his chair. "god, why are you so negative." though his words don't really mean much. she's just being realistic. ever since stephanie showed up on campus, it feels like it's been one mess up after another and each and every time he fumbles, spencer goes running to ahri like a dog with his tail tucked between his legs.

so really, her assumption that he did something wrong isn't too far off the normal base.

"but for your information, i didn't do anything wrong this time." he picks the sweater out of her hand, putting it back in the closet with a, "wear the t-shirt. i just washed it and i know you like sniffing me."

"you know, you should have a little more faith in me. i'm not completely hopeless." most of the time. once satisfied that he can leave her alone in his closet he throws himself on the bed, a little satisfied grin settling on his lips as he clues her in. "stephanie gave me a chance." and then backtracks with, "kinda." because it's a maybe, but it's closer than he's ever gotten or ever thought he would get. "she said she would ask natsuki if she wanted to meet me." which still, blows his mind a little, that he might possibly have the chance to meet his daughter, to attempt to make amends for the trauma and pain he caused. a chance to right his wrongs. and he has no problem sharing this with ahri, one of the few people he's divulged his past mistakes to-- at the suffering of her judgment, but he knows he deserves it.

[...]

stephanie looks towards the door and sniffles, wiping her eyes. she could leave right this second. no one would know any better that she was meant to be in the club. no one would mourn the loss of a new member they were never made aware of. but when she looks back at spencer she knows she’s tired of putting her life on pause because of his decisions and lack of initiative. she wasn’t doing it anymore.

“i’m not going.” she wipes her nose on her shirt sleeve. “i’m not putting my life on pause anymore because of you. i’m staying.”

"yeah... and that too. the while... leaving our family. i’m not proud of it, okay?” because he wasn’t. spencer wasn’t one for regrets. he didn’t regret meeting stephanie and he didn’t regret their child, but he will forever be ashamed of the fact that he walked out, he was one of those people he used to scoff and roll his eyes at. those people who he swore he would never become and now he’s standing right in the exact spot that he never wanted to be. “and i know you won’t believe me, but i wish i never walked out.” and he doesn’t know if he can be any more sincere about it without ripping his whole heart out and presenting it to her. 

because that almost feels like what it’s going to take, what it should take. 

spencer would do it too. 

“stephanie.” he starts, almost in disbelief. “of course i called you.” he was waiting for the first moment alone, the first second he could, waiting all summer. 

“i changed my number. i moved here so... so i changed my number.” though it never really did occur to him she wouldn’t answer a random number. he was too chicken to leave a voicemail. 

“the second i could, i called you because i thought-- i don’t know. i thought maybe we could fix things and then you never picked up so i just assumed... i assume that you never wanted to hear from me-- which i understand.” she had that right. 

but then again, they are sitting in the same room now, almost forced together. so... maybe times have changed a little. 

[...]

“i wanted…..i wanted this club so i could do something for myself. because i love reading and writing…..i might as well drop out of this stupid club.” there goes spencer ruining yet another thing for her….she should have known.

"of course i worried, stephanie.” he worried, he worried so much. it was hard to live under his parents watchful eye that summer, always feeling one wrong move would be his end, but as soon as he hit mokseong, the second he was out on his own, he called her. 

he called her once, then twice and then when he didn’t get an answer the last third time, he signed his fate right there. 

spencer never thought he would see her again, but that doesn’t mean he ever stopped worrying. 

“i did call, you know. i called and you didn’t pick up.” but he’s careful to school his tone, nothing accusatory because he had no grounds to be so. he was the one in the wrong. he would always be the one in the wrong. “i called because...” but could he even say it? 

he has before, once or twice, to only the people he trusted the most, but that was when he wasn’t staring down the very person he broke. could he say it to the person who maybe mattered the most? “because i hurt you. i left when i promised i wouldn’t an--” his voice breaks, but he quickly clears his throat. 

“and i did. is that what you want me to say?” because it didn’t feel good. it stung. it always stung. 

the room is quiet for a few moment, spencer not making a move towards her, even if it was his first instinct. he instead, stands his ground and clutches the book in his hand. 

that wasn’t fair. none of this was fair. he didn’t want her to have to leave and he didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable either, but he’s dedicated so much time to this position he wasn’t about to step down...

[...]

“can i get changed first or it can’t wait?” she asks while also taking her thigh highs off. she might as well get everything off as much as she can anyway, because she feels she’ll need to be comfortable for this conversation. 

"i don't know." he frowns, letting the door swing shut behind her. "i never know with you." sure, maybe last year she could have caused a ruckus, but now that he actually has chips in the game, he's not as keen on that idea. "the problem with that is they won't think my love life sucks because you're here." he's not blind to the connotations they could drum up if they were a bit looser with their friendship.

but it's not like they're doing anything wrong. they were friends and friends vented to each other all of the time. friends were close and they were... close.

he scrunches his nose at the memory. it was one time at the very beginning of the year-- and he didn't have a condom on him anyway so it was all for nothing. "relax. we're not talking anyway." were they ever?

spencer leans against the doorframe as he watches her. she never failed to make herself comfortable in his dorm. questionably so. "besides, i think he's mad at me. i told him costume was weird." then again, he didn't have much room to talk. at least he opted out of the green tights of a more cliche peter pan costume. which brings him to another point.

"i can talk while you change." and just in case, because he has the worst luck in the world, spencer steps inside his bedroom and shuts the door behind him. it would be just his luck that claude would decide to come back right when ahri is nearly naked in his bedroom. best not to take any chances. "i hung out with mabel most of the night. i can suffer a little bit more." not that he would exactly call her costume something to suffer over but-- he digresses.

“spence, it’s me. open up or i’m kicking the door.” she knows on the door while singsonging, like ahri isn’t just threatening to destroy his door if he takes to long to answer. she’s tired, her feet are hurting and her uniform, even if it makes her look super cute, is starting to get uncomfortable. besides she just wants to take off her bra and finally not feel some metal thing crushing her torso. 

with every single ounce of bad luck that rains down on him, spencer will forever be grateful for ahri. which is odd-- to feel thankful for an ex-lover. 

but nevertheless, things were ended on more then good terms and there really are few people he is as close to as her. so much so, she knows each intimate detail about his love life, and... the slips ups it has caused. 

“please don’t kick down my door.” he sighs. he loved ahri. he really did. the look on his face was just... not screaming love at the moment. 

when really, it should. stephanie gave him a sliver of a chance and he should be ecstatic-- and he is. but reality does set in and the fear does start to creep and ahri always knows just what to say. even if spencer doesn’t like how the truth tastes sometimes. “claude already hates me. i don’t need him to come back to the dorm and hate me more.” because finding spencer alone with ahri is not something he needed at the moment. 

especially if he knew ahri and judging by her bag, she would be raiding his closet tonight-- because she was staying the night. it’s how it usually went. 

[...]

“since you packed up and left i had to pick up all of your slack. so i couldn’t further my education. i could barely complete my ged. so thanks for that, spencer.”

“oh.” because, really, he didn’t know what else to say. every single thing that was coming from her was true and it stung. he knew it was true, didn’t have to be there to know. it was obvious. 

and it stings even more because he’s a senior, and she’s a freshman and that’s just wrong. not when they attended the same year all of their younger schooling years and now to have such a vast difference in their place of standing... it didn’t feel right. “i... can’t imagine it must have been hard.” 

which probably wasn’t the thing to say. not to her of all people. 

he’s already walking on eggshells for no reason. spencer was-- has upset her and there was nothing he could do about it. he physically has to take a step back. he’s nervous. 

but he really doesn’t know what to say, so he blurts out the first thing that comes to mind. “i’m sorry.” which was true, more true than he would ever be able to tell her. “i’m so sorry, stephanie. i can’t... what i did was wrong.” so wrong and a day doesn’t go by that he doesn’t regret it. 

he could live without his weekly allowance, but it’s been hard living without ever meeting his child-- accepting the fact that he might never meet them. “but you’re here now? you’re... how have...” he isn’t sure what to say, what to ask, what’s appropriate for this sort of situation. 

is there anything appropriate? 

so he settles for the last thing he should probably say. 

[...]

“it’s has to be some cosmic joke that you’re here of all people. don’t tell me you’re a member of this club,” she says angrily. maybe if she made friends with the president she could figure out a way to get him kicked out of the club. it was worth a shot. maybe the president would be some dumb man that thinks with his dick more than his head.

“stay far, far away from me, spencer jeon.”

he isn’t sure what to say. no one is ever quite prepared to face the person they hurt the most and... boy, does spencer know he hurt her. 

not like he doesn’t regret it, because he does. more than anything, but he had also made peace with the fact that was something he was going to have to live with for the rest of his life. 

because he certainly never expected to see her again... ever. 

however, despite it all, he’s happy she is here-- right? that was one of the things he was feeling. tentative excitement that if she was here then maybe... of course, there was also the outright fear that stephanie was... here. at mokseong. in his club room. his club room. 

“uh... yeah. i am... a member.” it takes a second to find his voice, clearing his throat and clutching his book so hard he’s surprised it doesn’t rip. “i’m actually the president of the club.” for some reason, it doesn’t hold the same kind of excitement and status that is normally does when he says it. 

[...]

she points to him. “if she says no then you pack up your shit and never bother us ever again.”

“i know. i know i could have.” he really had no excuses as to why he didn’t. he could spout all of the weak reasons in the book, fear, regret, a lack of responsibility. none of it would ever be valid enough for what he did. none of it. “and you don’t think i regret what i didn’t do?” because he did. 

he thought every day about them, whenever he had a free bit of time to let himself delve into that. he knew where they were and he had to live with it, and what he had done-- hadn’t done, in this case. 

but the beat of silence before she’s looking at him and telling him that she would ask her. well, he’s a bit happier than he probably should be. 

as well as, “natsuki?” he’s spent so long wondering what she was like, who she took after more, what her name was and now that he has the tiniest of crumbs he couldn’t keep the little smile of wonder from his face. it doesn’t bother spencer in the slightest that it’s not a name he suggested or one they agreed on, doesn’t really deserve that right anymore. he’s just amazed that he’s ben granted at least that-- but then more?

“of course. i wouldn’t ever want to butt in if she didn’t... if she didn’t want to know me.” sure, the thought was heartbreaking, but he was really in no position to ask for more. stephanie was already giving him too much, being too lenient, but he was not about to complain. “i’ll even drop my lit club position. whatever you need. i just-- i want this chance. i’m not going to fuck it up a second time, steph.” he doesn’t promise because at this point, they probably mean nothing to her, but he’ll at least hold himself to it. 

[...]

she finally forces her wrists away from him. “why the fuck should i let you back in now?”

“i didn’t have a choice.” which is a very slippery slope because on every account he did have a choice. he could have told his parents what he really wanted to do and risk getting cut off completely, with nothing to hold themselves up on. but he would have at least had her, her and their baby. 

but he didn’t and the second he got that call he knew the mistake he was making, but there was no way he could breath with his parents hovering over him, watching his every move. 

spencer knows he didn’t fight hard enough and it’s kept him awake more than he’d like to admit. “i wanted to be there through all of the hard parts.” he wanted to. he really did. 

her words are hard, rough and he doesn’t want to hear them. he doesn’t like to be reminded of what he missed out on and how much he let her down, but he knows he deserves to, should hear her because he feels guilty. 

and he’s always looking for ways to atone for that, even if in the end he just ends up feeling more guilty than when he started. 

“you shouldn’t.” he knows he doesn’t deserve to be allowed back in to her life, to even be a fraction of their daughter, but he wants to. more than anything else he’s ever wanted. “but i’m begging you. that phone call-- i haven’t forgiven myself, steph. i regret it every single day. i don’t deserve to be let back in, but i want to be.” 

[...]

natsuki was safe with astrid. for now, that is. “she just turned four a month ago but you wouldn’t even know that. even now you know nothing about her. you made your bed years ago. fucking lie in it.”

“no!” he shoots back, a little louder than intended. “i mean... no, it’s not that.” it wasn’t the full story. of course, he wasn’t too fond of word getting out, but not because he wanted to protect some sort of reputation she thought he had, but more because he didn’t think it was anyone’s business that wasn’t involved. “i don’t care what people think of me.” okay, well maybe a little. 

but not to the point he would be totally ruined if more than a few people happened to know about what he had done, what he wishes he hadn’t done. 

there’s no use in correcting her. she was right. that was exactly what he had done, abandoned her, because he let his parent’s lies crawl into his head. 

“whoa-- hey.” brushing him off, or even shouting at him were things that he fully expected from stephanie, but never for her to put her hands on him. and he’s a little shocked by it, is about to let her know until he catches a stray tear. 

it feels like someone dumped a bucket of ice water on him, his hands catching her wrists and the annoyance and anger melts off his face in a second. he always hated to see her cry. 

“i... good. i don’t want her to have anything of mine.” when he speaks this time, his voice is softer, more sincere instead of being pilled with passive aggressive pettiness. “i don’t deserve to have a part of her, but that’s that i’ve been trying to tell you, stephanie. i don’t deserve it, but i want it.” 

now that she’s back in his life-- albeit, a little maliciously, he doesn’t want to give up the miniscule chance he might have. “and i know. i do know how old she is.” he might not know her birthday or much of anything about her, but he at least knows roughly when she was born, even to keep track of the years. “and as much as i would love to just lie here and take everything you have-- i’m not running this time.... just so you know.” 

[...]

spencer didn’t even have the balls to hurl the accusations in her face. he never once repeated the lies and the slander his parents fed to him. stephanie doesn’t know it all. after the first hints of the memories she had forced herself out. she didn’t need to hear more. it hurt just knowing that he listened.

“i don’t want your fucking money. i never wanted your money. but you never gave me a chance either. it’s only fair to continue the pattern.”

“mabel’s your--” spencer laughs. what else could he do? of course, she was stephanie’s roommate. it makes him wonder what kind of ancestors he has, what kind of curses have been put on his family for him to have such bad luck. 

“look.” he starts, stepping closer to her, not caring if she was probably a second away from sinking her claws into him. (he deserved it in his opinion. anything she ever wanted to dish out, he deserved all of it.) “i didn’t know she was your roommate.” because he didn’t. he honestly didn’t know much about her-- only the limited interactions they’ve had so far. 

and she just looked so excited asking him he didn’t have the heart to say no. even if he pretends it doesn’t hurt when stephanie tells him that mabel has met natsuki, his daughter. he pretends it doesn’t hurt. 

“i-- okay.” he hisses, leaning closer to her. “we’re not going to fight about this here.” not here. in this stupid party “not here.” he didn’t want to fight about this at all. he had no grounds to fight. 

he was the weak one, the one that walked out and listen to every lie his parents told him, every lie that he refuted in the beginning. there was no grounds for a fight about his past mistakes, but he would be damned if he wasn’t going to try and redeem himself-- now that he has something to stand on, somewhere to go. 

[...]

she just didn’t realise how quickly she was going to eat those words, though.

@msuspence

reading was a past time he kept from his childhood. his mother used to sit him down on the back porch of their home-- one of those huge, sprawling estates from the 1800′s, and crack open a muggle book with him, read to him until the sun was sinking past the trees and dinner was ready. 

he’s never quite let go of those memories and they’ve fully shaped his love for reading, to this day even. it’s only natural he make himself the president of the literature club-- well, climb his way to the top... not that it was too hard. 

and he’s excited for this year, had spent the summer curating a rigorous, but engaging list. they’re well into their first selection, george orwell, a classic muggle author. and he’s gotten his notes prepared for discussion today, almost feeling as if there was a bit of sunshine hanging over his head with out how excited he was. 

was. that is the most important word of the whole thought. 

he was excited until he opened the door, early as always, and found someone waiting... already. not just someone, more like a ghost from his past, a face he neve excepted to see here, a face that sends his heart racing in not only fear, but excitement, the visceral reaction he doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to let go of whenever he sees her-- saw her. 

sees, now. as in, seeing... he’s looking right at stephanie, seeing her. and he’s stopped in the doorway, book slipping through his fingers with a loud thud and his mouth is hanging open because...well, it’s all he can do at the moment to just see her. standing there. 

[..]

“yes, i’m red riding hood.” she drank her cauldron drink, needing something to occupy her before she flung insult after insult at him for even daring to find her attractive right now. after all these years.

after bringing some other girl to this event.

“had to make it. you know, since i don’t have a lot of money.”

“no-- well...” spencer had never once lied about his daughter and he’s never once lied about stephanie, but the three years he’s been here, going on four now, he’s never had to bring it up. not to people he’s just met and not to superficial friends. “i don’t know her well. she’s-- her name is mabel and she asked me to be peter pan for her.” which, of course he had said yes. he wasn’t cruel-- despite his past mistakes. 

“so no, i didn’t tell her i have a pixie. i don’t know her that well.” while he completely understands her anger, her pettiness, it gets to him. not enough for him to outright say anything, spencer knows he has no right to do so, but enough. “i don’t think she needs to know.” but that didn’t insinuate he was hiding natsuki. 

he would never. 

if he had the chance to meet her, of course. 

and he sighs, setting down his drink and finally forcing himself to look at her. “now that’s just petty.” the comment, the way she was looking at him. “i mean-- you have every right to be...” he back tracks for a quick second, because she did and she was right. 

a note for @msuclaude

he was procrastinating a little, just a little. the couch was just very comfy 

plus he was tilting his head this way and that trying to figure out just who claude was dressed up as. his own costume was still sitting on his bed in the other room, yet to be even touched since this morning. but that wasn’t important right now. 

he knows he’s seen this get up somewhere, not recently, but it was familiar. 

of course, he couldn’t ask claude. that would just be breaking their unsaid roommate agreement. they didn’t speak to each other, had their own understandable differences that cause that result. and it did make things a little difficult at times, like right now, but he wasn’t going to be that one to cave. 

no, so instead he sighs, forces himself off the couch and snatches the sticky notes off the coffee table. 

yes, they communicated excusivly through sticky notes. ‘we’re out of milk’ and ‘please lock the door when you leave’ are among the most common-- which means they can get along... if sharing milk is anything to go by, they just chose not to. 

it wasn’t that he didn’t want to go to the party. spencer did, he really did, and he had such a nice time with mabel earlier, that he didn’t mind agreeing to pair a costume with her either. 

it’s just, he had this feeling, this dreadful sort of feeling that this was somehow going to come bite him in the backside. he’s seen plenty of questionable costumes and it makes him worry, makes him wonder if he knows what he signed up for. but then again, this was mabel that they were talking about. she was nice, she was sweet, and she no doubt had a crush on him. 

but that was something spencer could let go. she was a freshman, it was fine. she was just excited. he would let it play out and dwindle away. let. it. go. 

the little things, he could do that for, but that costume. well, that he’s not so sure about. 

that costume that he spots her in, down the corridor in the very spot they had agreed to meet, well. he isn’t too sure he can let that go. 

“hey!” he still puts an extra pep in his tone, at first reaching up to pull into a hug, because that was normal, because they were friends, but he hesitates. glances down, and hesitates. “hey.” spencer repeats. and then he forces himself to meet her eye, smile a little odd. “you look... magical.” 

safe, that was safe.